Some Relevant Questions

[Veronica27]

When a wife or girlfriend first finds out that her man is a crossdresser, there are usually some immediate questions that stem from the inaccurate stereotypes surrounding crossdressing. Is he gay? Is he on a path to transitioning to womanhood? These are then followed by some more obvious questions of immediate concern, depending upon the situation, such as: Why wasn't I told about this before? How long has this been going on? Have you been wearing my things? Do you do this to get turned on sexually?

However, after the initial shock has passed, and she is settling in to her own level of acceptance, approval, disinterest or however she wants to deal with this knowledge, some very deep questions will begin to follow as she tries to understand this phenomenon. In no particular order, some of these are as follows:

1. If you do not wish to be a woman, and as you say you derive no serious sexual pleasure from this, why do you want to wear women's clothing? They are just clothes, and as they are tailored to fit women, they can't be as comfortable as your male clothes. Also, is it worth all the time and effort involved given the discomfort, and possible embarrassment should you be caught by relatives, friends, neighbours or co-workers?

2. Why do you feel you have to go out dressed this way, given the risks involved, when I have not objected to you dressing around the house whenever you wish?

3. Why do you feel you have to use breast forms? Many women are relatively flat chested, and artificially padding yourself like this seems kinky. Also it makes me feel wierd and uncomfortable seeing you like that. Am I not woman enough for you?

4. Why do you and your friends associate yourselves with the gay movement, by insisting on using LGBT as your rallying call, when you tell me that you are not gay? Are you not sending a message to everyone that you actually are gay? Are you living a lie?

5. You appear to be getting more and more involved in this as the months go by. For example you do it more often and for longer periods. You spend more money on clothing, makeup, shoes and so on. You even go to the hair and nail salons. You are taking more and more risks. If it is simply that you like to wear the clothes, why is all of this necessary? Have you not been totally truthful about not having a desire to transition, or live full time?

If your SO presented you with these questions, how would you answer, realizing that she might not accept or be comfortable with some of the usual cliches about the whole issue such as "I'm just being me" or "I just find it so relaxing" or "I was born this way"?

Have you encountered any other thought provoking questions from a loved one?

Veronica

[Krististeph]

When a wife or girlfriend first finds out

...questions...

1. If you do not wish to be a woman, and as you say you derive no serious sexual pleasure from this, why do you want to wear women's clothing? They are just clothes, and as they are tailored to fit women, they can't be as comfortable as your male clothes. Also, is it worth all the time and effort involved given the discomfort, and possible embarrassment should you be caught by relatives, friends, neighbours or co-workers?

A: the very fact that the clothes feel and fit different is enough.
A: Yes it is worth it, else it would not be done.

2. Why do you feel you have to go out dressed this way, given the risks involved, when I have not objected to you dressing around the house whenever you wish?

A: Thanks for your support inside the home, but... perhaps consider the phrase 'barefoot and pregnant', as a negative analogy against going out. That said, I should try to keep your feelings in mind.

3. Why do you feel you have to use breast forms? Many women are relatively flat chested, and artificially padding yourself like this seems kinky. Also it makes me feel wierd and uncomfortable seeing you like that. Am I not woman enough for you?

This is not about you, but about me, and the dysphoria i have. easily 90% of CDs are heterosexual. So much so- we not only like to see female forms- we want to be just like them!

4. Why do you and your friends associate yourselves with the gay movement, by insisting on using LGBT as your rallying call, when you tell me that you are not gay? Are you not sending a message to everyone that you actually are gay? Are you living a lie?

Not gay. You are thinking of terms or 'either, or', when there is much more than that. CDs like womens stuff because we feel it fits us better, we are attracted to feminity, not to masculinity.

5. You appear to be getting more and more involved in this as the months go by. For example you do it more often and for longer periods. You spend more money on clothing, makeup, shoes and so on. You even go to the hair and nail salons. You are taking more and more risks. If it is simply that you like to wear the clothes, why is all of this necessary? Have you not been totally truthful about not having a desire to transition, or live full time?

Excuse me? If i do other things besides just dressing, obviously it is not a case of 'simply wanting to wear the clothes'.

[sissystephanie]

My dear late wife knew that I was a CD before we married, because I had told her! She accepted me "as is!"

1. I wear feminine clothes because I like the fit, feel, and look of them. As far as I am concerned there is no other reason.
2. My late wife liked me to go out as Stephanie, because she knew it was part of me!
3. Since I have natural 40 B's I have never worn breast forms. With my bra I am big enough!
4. I have never associated myself with the Gay movement in any way. I am a man, and proud of it!
5. Yes, I have spent a lot of money on feminine clothes, probably more than I should have spent. But I have never had any desire to transtion of live full time as a woman. I worked full time for the almost 50 years we had together before cancer took her. I wore feminine clothes when I had the time to do so, and she knew that I was her man no matter what I had on!!

[Lorileah]

1. If you do not wish to be a woman, and as you say you derive no serious sexual pleasure from this, why do you want to wear women's clothing? Now there is an interesting question. The actual answer for me "I don't really know I just like them" because truthfully sometimes I wonder why I spend so much time getting ready.


They are just clothes, and as they are tailored to fit women, they can't be as comfortable as your male clothes. Also, is it worth all the time and effort involved given the discomfort, and possible embarrassment should you be caught by relatives, friends, neighbours or co-workers? there is a logical error here. No one asks women why they wear clothes tailored for men (the waist would be smaller and the rear area of slacks would be cut different, the shirt too big in the shoulders and too tight in the bust...yet many women prefer this). For me they are not uncomfortable (if they are they are too small or large). I like how I look and others do too. At my point in life if my neighbors care, then they should stay home. Most my relatives know and my friends are my friends no matter what I have on (now if I were naked...that may be another matter)


2. Why do you feel you have to go out dressed this way, given the risks involved, when I have not objected to you dressing around the house whenever you wish? because I like to get out of the house? I am not ashamed of who I am? I like being noticed? I need to get something to eat sometimes? Why don't you come along? We will get a pizza or a meal at a local intimate (thus not busy and probably dimly lit) restaurant. You can have the beef and I will have the chicken. We can have some wine and talk like we used to. Maybe a little flirting. We will share a dessert. We can go dancing or for a walk. (NB my wife never went out with me but my GF and I went out. Not as frequently as we should have because I was afraid she would be embarrassed with me, which she never was but in my mind she would be. Now she's gone and I feel really stupid for not making her and my life more fun)


3. Why do you feel you have to use breast forms? Many women are relatively flat chested, and artificially padding yourself like this seems kinky. Hold frame here...so women who use push up bras and padded bras are "kinky"? It enhances the look.
Also it makes me feel wierd and uncomfortable seeing you like that. I really don't have a good answer for that. I don't want you to feel weird. Can we work on that so you may feel more comfortable?
Am I not woman enough for you? OK this is one I really never understand. When we dress we are not replacing our SO, that would be narcissistic and creepy. We are expressing something. We are not trying to replace or change our SO's


4. Why do you and your friends associate yourselves with the gay movement, by insisting on using LGBT as your rallying call, when you tell me that you are not gay? Because we should first of all support the LGBT community to gain equal rights. Everyone should have equal rights and if everyone did then the LGBT community would be...the community. But the reason is that when we needed support the L&G community took us under their wing. We didn't help much because their fight for equality was not important to a man who could be a man anytime and fit in. We let that ball drop. And yet still many in the L&G community support us. They are the one's asking these questions.
Are you not sending a message to everyone that you actually are gay? If we are doing it right; NO. We are sending the message taht everyone deserves to be who they are and not be judged by the color of their skin, their look, their sex. Only we should not be judged for appearances either. Women did the same thing 40 years ago. The black community did 40-50 years ago. When we marched with the women no one asked if we were women, When we marched with the blacks, we were not black. So why is supporting gays making us gay? The gender expression is different than our sexual preference.
Are you living a lie? Not any more, I am showing you who I am. It was a lie before trying to fit into a stereotypic box.


5. You appear to be getting more and more involved in this as the months go by. For example you do it more often and for longer periods. You spend more money on clothing, makeup, shoes and so on. You even go to the hair and nail salons. You are taking more and more risks. If it is simply that you like to wear the clothes, why is all of this necessary? Because we like variety. No one has one set of clothes or just one look anymore. I want to see how I look in different outfits and settings. It is no different than a GG. How did the song go? "Oh she may get weary, young girls they get weary, wearing the same old shabby dress"

Have you not been totally truthful about not having a desire to transition, or live full time? I have been totally truthful to you, I don't want surgery. I have what I have and I like what I have. People who dress as chipmunks don't want to become chipmunks. If I wasn't being truthful then this conversation would have taken a turn long ago. I am who I am. I like what I like and I LOVE you. I love you more than you realize (I added that because I am terrible at expressing love in daily life and if you are too..there ya go). I love being your partner, your lover, your best friend. I just have this..this thing inside me that I want desperately to express.

I am the person you fell in love with, the person who you married. Inside I am that person. The outside is window dressing. It makes me happy and it makes me calm. It is what I like to look like. If I wore cowboy boots and spurs, it doesn't mean I am going off to Montana and roping cattle. Inside I am the same person but now I can express that person more. I can be more "me" and you may find that the "me" you see is the same "me' you saw before but just more outgoing, loving, friendly.

[Alice B]

I'll take a crack at your questions, as if answering my wife, which has been done and allowed us to reach a working solution. Even then there are times that additional talk takes place and adjustments are made.

1. Like many when I first started dressing there was a sexual desire and action was taken to releive it. But now it is no longer the reason. I simply enjoy dressing, the feeling and look I see of myself when dressed. I dohave a strong female side that I did not discover until late in life and I enjoy exploring it.

2. I want to show the female side of my personality, to myself and those that I feels safe revealing myself to. At home for myself and if you (my wife) can accept it, but stay apart of me when dressed I'm OK with it.

3. I truly enjoy the look, but more importantly the feel of my forms and bra. It's not about you or other females, flat chested ot big chested. You are woman enough for me, but wearing them does honestly feel good to me and makes me feel like a woman strictly for myself. I may not pass, but that is not the issue. I feel incomplete without them and in no way intend to dishoner you.

4. I do not associate with the gay movement, but I do accept gay male and female people as no different than myself. I have no gay desires or tendencys, other than dressing as a female. I go to gay bars because they accept or tolerate my desire to dress and be seen in public. Gay bars or safer because I won't be exposed, even if someone comes in that I know from my normal life. They will say nothing because they often do not wish to expose themselfs. I'm not living a lie and I make it clear to anyone that asks thast I am just a cross dresser. Nothing more.

5. MY horizons are expanding, but only with careful and calculated risks. As I define my female side I learn who I am and what looks best on me. Thus I shop for clothing that I feels allows me to present in an appropiate manner and look. Having my nails done is a treat and allows me to select colors that fit my mood. Plus, having a mani and pedi at my age is better and safer for me than trying to do it myself. While my horizons do expand it is only to give myself a clearing picture and feeling of expressing my female side. I have and never will have a desire to transition or live as a female. My male world is still the dominate side of my life, who I am and I enjoy it very much. To be able to espress both side of my personality is special to me and no reflection as to who you are, or what you mean to me.

[Kate Simmons]

All of those questions and more.The answers, however, did not satisfy my wife, so she left.I was, therefore, left to my own devises.

[outhiking]

Regarding #3, when I dress, I seek to feel as femine as possible and nothing to me is more immediately femine than breasts.

[UNDERDRESSER]

Do you do this to get turned on sexually?

I used to, still do sometimes, though these days, see the comment below on comfort.

1. If you do not wish to be a woman, and as you say you derive no serious sexual pleasure from this, why do you want to wear women's clothing? They are just clothes, and as they are tailored to fit women, they can't be as comfortable as your male clothes.

I beg to differ, male underwear in particular is nasty stuff compared to the average panty. Not everything fits, but the ones i usually wear are way nicer than the typical mens brief. This is less of a problem in Europe, as "mens slip" is a common item, particularly in Germany, and is essentially indistinguishable from the panties I normally wear. In NA, the mens style has a higher waist cut, and bikini panties just look better to my eyes when i look in the mirror. This is mostly a personal preference.



If your SO presented you with these questions, how would you answer, realizing that she might not accept or be comfortable with some of the usual cliches about the whole issue such as "I'm just being me" or "I just find it so relaxing" or "I was born this way"?

These are the only questions that apply to me. As to why, I think, in my case, it's something that I got "imprinted" with at an early age.

[Jenniferathome]

When a wife or girlfriend first finds out that her man is a crossdresser, there are usually some immediate questions that stem from the inaccurate stereotypes surrounding crossdressing.

I do not believe this basic premise is accurate. Wives and girlfriends, seemingly overwhelmingly, don't even know what crossdressing is. Other than knowing the word, it's like looking into a black hole for most. We owe our SOs so much more explanation and tolerance to the idea of crossdressing that we should be glad to get a question like,"Are you gay?" I am astonished by some that consider the question to be "unfair."

As to your other questions, I do not see the average SO asking these. I believe women want to know WHY we crossdress and are as stunned as we that we can't explain it. after the why, they want even more to know there is nothin else being hidden.