The Walls Of Denial

[Julie]

Denial is what got most of us through life and enabled us to function as 'normal' males. I never had any choice. I grew up in a conservative family where being a man was the most important thing for a boy to become. As the oldest boy in a family of four girls and two boys and a primary name carrier, I was subjected to constant pressure to be a man. My father could never have handled or accepted anything less. I could never admit to him how I felt inside so I became a master of denial.

I don't think there has been a day in my life that I haven't at least once wished I was female. I've spent countless hours imagining countless scenarios where something would happen to me that would make me a girl. In almost all I wouldn't have been responsible for that, it just would have happened or someone forced it on me. But being responsible for changing myself into a girl wasn't something I could not do. I knew it would hurt and disappoint too many people I loved.

Most of my life I never knew anybody like me, no CDs, no TGs and no TSs. I read about them but never talked or corresponded with one, let alone meet them face to face. So I stayed in my own little world. I did, however, very successfully live in the male world. I got married, had kids, raised them well, was successful in business and achieved many of the goals that made my father proud.

I'm not sure, but it seems not too long after his death I began to explore the TG world. Prior to his death I was a member of Tri-Ess and attended meetings and events but this was at most a once a month thing. Now something inside me was trying to get out and my curiosity drove me to explore deeper.

The Internet was my promary tool. On it I found an endless supply of information. I soaked it up like a sponge. I found this site as well as many others like it. I became involved. I corresponded with others like me. I met others like me. I even found a TG friend that lived only a few minutes away. Going out dressed became a weekly thing.

But when I look back what affected me the most was breaking down the walls of denial and facing who I really am. The first damage to those walls occurred when I found the COGAITI test. I took the test and answered every question as honestly as I could. When I got the results I was categorized as 'probable transsexual'. I'll never forget that moment. I was in my basement on my laptop. I would go there to be alone so I could read about things TG related without the family knowing. When I saw 'probable transsexual' I began to cry. I knew this test wasn't proof positive. But seeing the result caused me to stop the denial, even if only for a moment, and face what I've known all along.

My daughter came downstairs looking for me and asked me why I was crying. I couldn't tell her it was because I knew if I was ever to be truly happy inside I'd have to turn her world upside down and possible hurt her deeply. I thought of my family and the effect this would have on them and I felt even more pain. I couldn't do this to them. I decided their happiness was more important than my own. I rebuilt the wall of denial and decided that test meant nothing. I was a crossdresser and nothing more and as a crossdresser I could continue to protect my family from knowing and still function perfectly as a male, no problem.

Later, when she couldn't handle my going out dressed any more, my wife insisted I needed help. She thought therapy would make this go away. I knew better. So to keep the peace I entered into therapy with a gender professional. Immediately she brought up transitioning. I said 'No way!' But it came up again and again. The first time I went dressed she asked me if I was Jim or Julie. Once again the walls of denial took another blow. This was more serious than the first. I started to cry again. I knew what my answer meant. I answered 'Julie'. When I told my wife this she told me she thought I'd be happier as a woman. More damage to the walls.

Since then I have rebuilt those walls but they aren't as strong as they once were. I had previously been able to shut off those feelings and function successfully as a male but I now find that more and more difficult to do. With divorce and the estrangement of my son there seems less and less of a reason to keep these walls of denial in place. And living alone allows me to dress however I want and this weakens my ability to deny who I am.

But there's still work and there's no way I could ever transition there and remain alive. Construction is a haven of macho attitude where might makes right. And retirement is no longer a possibility due to the divorce settlement. Finding another job would be a bad decision as the value in my present retirement program would be severely reduced.

My therapist told me with all the factors that exist in my life, transitioning will be very difficult and I should be prepared for a tough road ahead. She wasn't trying to discourage me, only let me know what to expect. I think she felt strongly I was a good candidate for transitioning.

Still I feel this persistent force telling me to stay just as I am. I could still see the time when my son will open up to me again. My kids will most likely get married and have kids of their own. I know my kids loved their grandpa. I should give my grandkids the same opportunity. But I just don't feel like a grandpa. I can't fill the role like my dad did so well. If I think of being a grandma I see myself doing that so much better. I'd feel more comfortable. But would I be accepted? From the reactions I've seen thus far, I doubt it.

So I contemplate trying to rebuild those walls of denial and going back to where I was before. I'll have moments where I imagine taking up weightlifting and building myself up to be a big strong guy. I imagine letting the body hair grow back. I imagine stopping coloring my hair and letting the grey grow back. Then I think of that closet and dresser full of clothes. I think of never going out dressed again. I think of leaving behind all the friends who have come to know Julie, who enjoy Julie's company, who love Julie.

So that leaves me in eternal limbo. But I look at it like this; I got this far in life so why not just finish it as I started? I can't be all that bad, can it?

Now I have to get some bricks and mortar and get those walls repaired.

[Vivian Best]

Julie, Very touching and you write so well! Have you thought exploring that talent you have?


Vivian:rose2:

[Tracy Lynn]

I like the way you can put how you feel into words, I have a hard time doing that.

[Darlene.]

Don't abandon your responsibilities, but don't overdose on duty.
Don't live life recklessly without thought and feeling for your family.

Be true to yourself. Don't commit when you're not ready.

Fall in love - it's the greatest thing on earth.
But take care and remember, after the fall must come the rise.

Go on that trip. Don't postpone it.

Say those words. Don't let the moment pass.
Do what you must even at society's scorn.

[Kim E]

Hi Julie ~
Thank you so much for being so honest and for relating your personal struggles as you have done here. I understand completely all you have said. Its surprising how much of what you related, mirrors my life experiences.

Since the young age of maybe 6, I knew I was different than other boys. My father must have noticed because he was preoccupied with making me a real boy. Then puberty hit and everything went down hill. Then I had strong emotional feelings and body changes that led to more confusion about my gender identity.

But it was at about age 20 or 21, that I first confronted my real enemies. They were right inside me and they were denial and guilt. I fought them nearly my whole life. They led to bad decisions and foolish mistakes, as well as suicidal thoughts. They would never leave and couldn't be forced away no matter what I did.

To survive, I had to become this male person, I had to do it for family, friends and everyone else. I couldn't be who I truly was. Always living my life for someone else and by there rules.
So, denial again, I took a job as a police officer. I would prove to myself and everyone else that I was this macho male. Pull someone out of a burning car, drop the pistol belt and walk up to the barricaded armed nut case to deliver his Big Mac, jump in a river to help rescue some guy, wrestle with a crack addict who had a knife; I did it all. Dangerous - you bet, death wish - probably. I had just reached the point where I quit caring wether I lived or died. Why?, because my denial and guilt of whom the person I truly was, consumed me.

After a bad divorce, where my ex outed me to family, friends, neighbors and co-workers, I ended up leaving my job after 20 years and moving far away to start over. Strapped with debts I had to work another 5 years in the same retirement system and attempt to get back on my feet, before finally retiring.

Since, I have lived alone and have accepted this person I have been my whole life, the denial and guilt are gone. Now, finally, I live my life as best I can, as this person I truly am and in peace.

So yes, Julie, I understand completely how you feel. At this difficult time in your life, I will support which ever decision you make, completely. I wish you well.

Hugs ~ Kim

[mand]

Hi Julie ~
Thank you so much for being so honest and for relating your personal struggles as you have done here. I understand completely all you have said. Its surprising how much of what you related, mirrors my life experiences.

Since the young age of maybe 6, I knew I was different than other boys. My father must have noticed because he was preoccupied with making me a real boy. Then puberty hit and everything went down hill. Then I had strong emotional feelings and body changes that led to more confusion about my gender identity.

But it was at about age 20 or 21, that I first confronted my real enemies. They were right inside me and they were denial and guilt. I fought them nearly my whole life. They led to bad decisions and foolish mistakes, as well as suicidal thoughts. They would never leave and couldn't be forced away no matter what I did.

To survive, I had to become this male person, I had to do it for family, friends and everyone else. I couldn't be who I truly was. Always living my life for someone else and by there rules.
So, denial again, I took a job as a police officer. I would prove to myself and everyone else that I was this macho male. Pull someone out of a burning car, drop the pistol belt and walk up to the barricaded armed nut case to deliver his Big Mac, jump in a river to help rescue some guy, wrestle with a crack addict who had a knife; I did it all. Dangerous - you bet, death wish - probably. I had just reached the point where I quit caring wether I lived or died. Why?, because my denial and guilt of whom the person I truly was, consumed me.

After a bad divorce, where my ex outed me to family, friends, neighbors and co-workers, I ended up leaving my job after 20 years and moving far away to start over. Strapped with debts I had to work another 5 years in the same retirement system and attempt to get back on my feet, before finally retiring.

Since, I have lived alone and have accepted this person I have been my whole life, the denial and guilt are gone. Now, finally, I live my life as best I can, as this person I truly am and in peace.

So yes, Julie, I understand completely how you feel. At this difficult time in your life, I will support which ever decision you make, completely. I wish you well.

Hugs ~ Kim




Hello Kim :) I won't say anything to that love but you know what I'm thinking ;)

It's just the part about living alone were we differ, but how things are going we may not differ for too much longer.


lots of love mand xxx:)

[Ericka]

You made me cry, we all agree, we are all so much alike, worry about our children our friends family, etc...but you know what? when I go to bed at night and close my eyes.........is very dark, 'cause Ericka isn't there, it gets lonely.







Love Ericka

[Vaerise]

I couldnt have put what you gone through in words, I cannot say for certainty that I fully understand what you went through, because I was not actually there to experience what you had to go through. But you have done so much not for urself but for your family, if thats not noble I dont know what is. I can only pray that you will be able to find inner peace and that one day your family can accept you for who you really are.

Take cares

[MandyTS]

I actually believe dinial can at some cases be a good thing, it makes us think again and again about these things we are doing.

I never really had dinial, but rather was the one to try and put it out of my mind. I knew ay 8 years old I was a girl and like Julie I wished someone would come and force me to be a girl. I lived my life knowing that someday I would be a girl and that time would come when it was ready, the time is now.

We all have walls in our life, those walls for me died about 8 months ago. They were not walls of dinial but walls of fear, and fear can be stronger than dinial.

Julie, have you ever throught about a book? I am writing one.

Mandy

[Elizabeth]

Hi Julie,

So are you saying that your entire life is to be for the benifit of others? You have decided not to live your life for yourself, but for the expectations of others? What others feel is more important than what you feel? When does Julie get to live for what Julie wants?

Because our lives are so similar in so many ways, I am just going to be as frank as possible. You can not rebuild the walls. I know you may try to convince yourself you can, but you will only be able to do it for a limited time. Certainly you know that it's way too late to put the genie back in the bottle.

Even if you could, you would hate yourself. That self-hatred and depression that we all feel when we try to repress what we are can be all too consuming, until it finally robs of us our desire to live at all. You have already given up a lot, just to be who you are. You are entitled to be who you are!!!!!
It is not selfish. That is just training by those who want you to do what they want you to do.

You can not change what others think, say or do and it is wasted effort to try. No matter what you do, you can not force your son to accept you. Not even with a lie. And that is what it would be. A lie. Do you really want a relationship with anyone where it's based on a lie? Where you pretend you are not Julie? Do you really beleive that it could be meaningful enough to make you feel batter about lying about who and what you are?

Come on here, you can not go backwards no matter how scary and uncertain the future may feel for you. It will not feel safe and secure. I gave up my marriage, my retirement, my health, my job, two of my children, my brother who used to be my dear friend and business partner for years.

I have now been in women's clothes for over a year. I remarried a wonderful woman who totally loves and accepts me for who and what I am. Two of my children chose to stay with me, my 14 and 18 year old sons and they also know and accept who I am. Our relationships are real, and not based on lies. I am going to start college in January and realize another one of my dreams by becoming a Physicist.

All this after I took 35 vicodins in an attempt to kill myself because I thought I also could not go forward and knew I could not go backwards. I would like to suggest you read Dr. Phillip McGraw's "Self Matters". It is all about stopping living for others expectations, and starting to live for yourself. To go from living a life without passion and devoid of joy, to living a life that is congruent with your true identity.

http://crossdressers-forum.com/forums/viewtopic.php?p=40651&highlight=#40651

This is a thread that I wrote about denial on another forum that was inspired by you. You had given me some advice about my own denial. It starts out with that quote from you. You are going to have a difficult time convincing me you do not already know and understand the real truth about denial, but if you do, heed your own advice.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[RachelDenise]

Your post is emotionally touching. It's very easy for any of us to give you advice because we don't have the constraints that your life has placed upon you. I think it would be simplistic to say just go ahead and damn the consequences, but one of the things that makes you Julie is the caring and concern for others in your life. This doesn't make you seek your goal but levels the perspective of it all. You want to have the continued relationships in your life after your transition. I don't think that is wrong. But you are going to have to take a chance if you are to go post-op and believe that those in your life will accept and understand your decision. Not an easy task when you have to rely on others rather than yourself.

[Darlene.]

Julie...I support what Elizabeth and Beauty wrote 100% I think your actions may be driven by fear. Perhaps you should check this out.

[VickySTG]

Very touching story Julie. I had to learn how to be a male to. Like you my family is important to me. I am the luckiest tranny on the earth or at least I feel so. My wife explored this thing with me. I told my kids at the age of 12 13. I told my parents at the age or 36/7 not sure but that is 10 years ago. Mom first, she in turn told me about my birth and how I was underdeveloped and could not urinate properly. The Dr. had to do a procedure so I cold urinate properly. Ding ding red flag. I know this has something to do with who I am. I told my Dad he asked if this is was a phase I was going through. I said I am 36/7 years old do you really think it's a phase?? He asked are you sure about this? I said yes. He set me free when he said oh well looks like I got 2 for the price of one.

I live full time not as a male. All who don't know me see me as female. All who know me know Vicky. I will never live the lie again it was a living death. I hated my self I hated the Creator/God (as my religion is Christian based). Matthew 19:12 was an epiphany in my life, it's a whole new world for me. I have learned some things about Christianity that I now call myself a hieratic or free thinking Christian.

I will never put a block back on the wall never not one. I will never build a wall because that will be the wall of a tomb.

FYI the photo was before hormones.

Vicky

[VickySTG]

Hi Julie ~
Thank you so much for being so honest and for relating your personal struggles as you have done here. I understand completely all you have said. Its surprising how much of what you related, mirrors my life experiences.

Since the young age of maybe 6, I knew I was different than other boys. My father must have noticed because he was preoccupied with making me a real boy. Then puberty hit and everything went down hill. Then I had strong emotional feelings and body changes that led to more confusion about my gender identity.

But it was at about age 20 or 21, that I first confronted my real enemies. They were right inside me and they were denial and guilt. I fought them nearly my whole life. They led to bad decisions and foolish mistakes, as well as suicidal thoughts. They would never leave and couldn't be forced away no matter what I did.

To survive, I had to become this male person, I had to do it for family, friends and everyone else. I couldn't be who I truly was. Always living my life for someone else and by there rules.
So, denial again, I took a job as a police officer. I would prove to myself and everyone else that I was this macho male. Pull someone out of a burning car, drop the pistol belt and walk up to the barricaded armed nut case to deliver his Big Mac, jump in a river to help rescue some guy, wrestle with a crack addict who had a knife; I did it all. Dangerous - you bet, death wish - probably. I had just reached the point where I quit caring wether I lived or died. Why?, because my denial and guilt of whom the person I truly was, consumed me.

After a bad divorce, where my ex outed me to family, friends, neighbors and co-workers, I ended up leaving my job after 20 years and moving far away to start over. Strapped with debts I had to work another 5 years in the same retirement system and attempt to get back on my feet, before finally retiring.

Since, I have lived alone and have accepted this person I have been my whole life, the denial and guilt are gone. Now, finally, I live my life as best I can, as this person I truly am and in peace.

So yes, Julie, I understand completely how you feel. At this difficult time in your life, I will support which ever decision you make, completely. I wish you well.

Hugs ~ Kim


Our lives are like mirrors. We learn how to trun on the macho male and most of the time do it 2 fold. Friends and family saw me as this great macho man on the sea. I would push the limits of depth to free dive to spear a fish or lobster 70 to 90 feet one way on a breath. Go down to face a shark coming up at me and hit it with a conch shell, as that is all I had in my hand. I have faced shark and barracuda on many occasions
Hand crank a 175 hp outboard cold start. Just to name a few.

Vicky

[Maria D]

I think, to an extent, we've all been in a simliar mindset as this. There is no easy answer, perhaps no answer at all that does what we want: to make everyone happy.

Stay male, keep everyone else happy, live in self-inflicted pain and reach your death-bed regretting not following your heart, but knowing you kept others happy.

Come out, be who you want to be, be happy, and risk losing those whose love you hold dear. Are we afraid of hurting the people we love, or are we afraid of losing them and their love? Either way, it'll hurt, but you live your life without the pain of hiding yourself.

Doesn't seem fair does it? Whatever you choose, someone gets hurt, just because of an accident of birth. It was never asked for, never wanted, just given, and can't be taken away.

I don't think advice helps really, both paths take great strength to walk, and both are laced with broken glass; only each individual can decide which path is best for them, or even whether or when to change paths.

If you can repress who you are Julie, then that is your path, and I wish you luck and best wishes. I thought long and hard before deciding that I had no desire to regret my whole life when I looked back at the end. It's not that I don't love my family and friends, just that living pretending to be who they expected me to be seemed so unfair. I'd never ask them to, and in fairness they never asked me to, I just assumed on their behalf. There was a TV show that had a character who agreed with everything said to him, just to appear 'nice'. I felt like that: my own thoughts, opinions and self buried beneath a layer designed to appear 'nice' to people. I couldn't even admit to liking a 'chick-flick' movie, I HAD to hate it when asked, I was a man, right? 'So... who am I?' I thought.
Ultimately I decided to transition, and am on the road now. I'm coming out to various people in my life, with mixed results.

I think coming out and transitioning is seen as selfish compared to not, and perhaps it is. Is it wrong though? And if someone asks you to not transition (as I was asked), aren't they being selfish too?

Anyway, I'm rambling now. I hope, whatever you all choose, you find a way to be happy, because there's nothing worse than not being happy. Except falling off a cliff onto a spike.

Take care
Maria

[Julie]

Maria,

Beautifully stated! That's exactly how I feel, the trying to please everyone scenario, being nice, thinking of myself last or not at all. I can guarantee I'd hear cries of 'how selfish!' if I announced to the world I was going to transition. I followed my therapist's advice and told those closest to me and it blew up in my face. And yes, I was told I was selfish by them. And I immediately thought to myself, 'Aren't you being selfish wanting me to be someone I'm not?' but I kept it to myself knowing that would escalate into something that could never be resolved. They don't want to accept me for who I am and I can't change who I am.

But in a way I see their side of things. I have put up this front all my life. I have fooled them into believing I'm this macho guy (their words, not mine). I've decieved them all these years. I pretended to be a man, husband, father. And now I'm tired of pretending and want to live as a woman?

They can't know the overwhelming pressure I felt to conform to a life my physical gender demanded. They can't know how impossible it would have been for a five year old to walk up to your parents and say 'I am a girl, not a boy'. They can't know the embarassment and humiliation one feels at being outed. They can't know the fear of being discovered. And they can't possibly know what it's like to try to conform to societal rules that are in direct contrast to what you feel inside.

So they only see their brother, son, father, friend who they have known all these years as a typical guy suddenly say, 'I want to live the rest of my life as a woman. I can't live like this anymore.' It's a huge shock because no one saw it coming. Not from me. I never gave them a hint.

And then there's the, 'You're a great looking guy. Why would you want to ruin that?' Or the, 'Why can't you just accept what God gave you? Do you think he wants you to change that?'

They are working hard to get me to stay the same and I can't blame them. We are visual creatures and when something we've known for so long changes so drastically when there's no life or death situation (at least that's how they see it) is sheer insanity. Sure, they're being selfish. I'm upsetting their world. They aren't used to that. I've always been the person they wanted me to be and now I want to change that? Yes, they are going to fight that. And I suppose if I didn't know what this life is like and the hell you have to live every day I'd probably be taking the same stance as them.

But I truly believe if I was able to get them to know, to actually feel, the life I've had to lead and all the pain and suffering I've endured, mostly for them, they would back me all the way. The problem is they would have to listen with an open mind and from what I've seen they aren't ready to do that yet.

[DonnaT]

So I contemplate trying to rebuild those walls of denial and going back to where I was before. . . .Now I have to get some bricks and mortar and get those walls repaired.

You can rebuild the walls, but they can't ever hold what's already gone passed them. The only place you will be back to is being depressed because you can't show your true self.

What's done is done. Move on and find enjoyment in your future.

[Chloe new transition]

Dear sweet Julie,

I can not even imagine the pain this is causing you, I have never had children, and never really conformed to societies needs to any great extent. Well, what do you expect being raised by a single Mum who is a left over hippie!

All I can say is....


to thine own self be true.

I wish you all the very best with your journey hon.

[VickySTG]

I think, to an extent, we've all been in a simliar mindset as this. There is no easy answer, perhaps no answer at all that does what we want: to make everyone happy.

Stay male, keep everyone else happy, live in self-inflicted pain and reach your death-bed regretting not following your heart, but knowing you kept others happy.

Come out, be who you want to be, be happy, and risk losing those whose love you hold dear. Are we afraid of hurting the people we love, or are we afraid of losing them and their love? Either way, it'll hurt, but you live your life without the pain of hiding yourself.

Doesn't seem fair does it? Whatever you choose, someone gets hurt, just because of an accident of birth. It was never asked for, never wanted, just given, and can't be taken away.

An accident never. It is as it is meant to be. The Creator appoints and mankind is disappointed. Just because we do not understand it does not mean it is not mean't to be.
Let me throw you my lifesaver.
Matthew 19:12 (King James Version)
12 For there are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother's womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it.
Gnostic Gospel of Thomas
22 Jesus saw some babies nursing. He said to his disciples, "These nursing babies are like those who enter the kingdom."

They said to him, "Then shall we enter the kingdom as babies?"

Jesus said to them, "When you make the two into one, and when you make the inner like the outer and the outer like the inner, and the upper like the lower, and when you make male and female into a single one, so that the male will not be male nor the female be female, when you make eyes in place of an eye, a hand in place of a hand, a foot in place of a foot, an image in place of an image, then you will enter [the kingdom]."



I don't think advice helps really, both paths take great strength to walk, and both are laced with broken glass; only each individual can decide which path is best for them, or even whether or when to change paths.

If you can repress who you are Julie, then that is your path, and I wish you luck and best wishes. I thought long and hard before deciding that I had no desire to regret my whole life when I looked back at the end. It's not that I don't love my family and friends, just that living pretending to be who they expected me to be seemed so unfair. I'd never ask them to, and in fairness they never asked me to, I just assumed on their behalf. There was a TV show that had a character who agreed with everything said to him, just to appear 'nice'. I felt like that: my own thoughts, opinions and self buried beneath a layer designed to appear 'nice' to people. I couldn't even admit to liking a 'chick-flick' movie, I HAD to hate it when asked, I was a man, right? 'So... who am I?' I thought.
Ultimately I decided to transition, and am on the road now. I'm coming out to various people in my life, with mixed results.

I think coming out and transitioning is seen as selfish compared to not, and perhaps it is. Is it wrong though? And if someone asks you to not transition (as I was asked), aren't they being selfish too?

Anyway, I'm rambling now. I hope, whatever you all choose, you find a way to be happy, because there's nothing worse than not being happy. Except falling off a cliff onto a spike.

Take care
Maria

[Maria D]

Hi Vicky,
In place of 'accident', try 'random chance'. I used accident because it is probably fair to say that there is a fairly standard model of what a human should be. That is not being negative to those that don't fit that pattern, it's just simple fact. Having twelve fingers, for instance, is not 'correct' to that pattern, but it doesn't have to be wrong.
Though I should in theory have been within that standard human 'model', I wasn't. Since it wasn't deliberate on any human's part, I used 'accident' to describe it.

As regards religion, I quote Marilyn Manson, who paraphrased Aleister Crowley:
'I never really hated one true God, but the God of the people, I hated.'

The catholic church considers any transgenderism as morally wrong, just as is homosexuality, and believes that 'if you tolerate this behavior you do them a disservice, by allowing them to believe that what they do is acceptable'.
The church bases its doctrine on the bible, and apparently ignores the bits it doesn't like, such as your quotes, of which I'm aware.
I don't blame God for this, I blame people doing things in His name.

I appreciate that you quote from the King James bible, but my feelings towards that church are no different.

Perhaps from God's point of view I am as I should be, and perhaps one day I will meet him and finally understand why I had to be this way, and then maybe the pain will make sense too; but until then, I tend to think that, if God picked me for this, it was only because someone had to be to make up the numbers, and doesn't make me special.

And if I'm honest, yes, I AM disappointed, bitterly. Whether by accident or not, people get hurt, just because I am this way. It just isn't fair, but then life never is, is it? :)


Julie, yes that makes perfect sense, we do get very good at fooling people don't we? It's not like they can easily guess, and given how little it's known about, it's not something people would easily think of.
I think you hit something though. You mention that they don't have empathy, which they could never have. There's many things in life that we see other people feel, and for very many things we haven't been in a similar situation. (At work today a girl's car had been stolen, for instance.) What people usually feel in those situations is sympathy and maybe compassion, since you don't need to understand to care.

That doesn't seem to be felt for trangendered people much, and I wonder why?

Take care
Maria
xxx

[Maria D]

By the way Vicky, your post was nice, and I feel I answered a little shortly. Sorry if I did, and thanks, your post did make me smile. If only most so called Christians lived the life Jesus taught.

Take care
Maria
xxx

[Julie]

If we bring God into this I am fond of this quote: "God don't make junk!" Mother nature makes mistakes, God doesn't. We are this way for a reason. For me one of those reasons was so I could learn to accept others who are different from me. That's a lesson I've learned well and those who I would have previously shunned have become friends.

I like to believe we are here to learn that which we don't know, kind of like going to school. The challenges we give ourselves before we come here are designed to put us in a situation that will teach us these lessons and become better individuals.

We are probably some of the strongest people on this earth. We have endured a lifetime of suffering no different than the handicapped or other challenged individuals. What makes us so much stronger is we have to do this alone, until we find others like us. For some that never happens. Can you imagine someone with cerebal palsy having to live life without any support, all alone? That's our life. That's what makes us so strong.

Now, imagine this world living life by our rules. It would be paradise... for everyone! Yes, in a strange way, we are very blessed and most special.

[SammyGirl]

:crying: Not only so very touchy, but certainly hit home deep inside my heart. I am exactly in the same situation and have been a very painful road for me as well. I did not ask to be this way! I keep telling myself and my 13 years long, wife. I don’t see a future for Sammy, sadly I see how we all grow and developed once we are ready to take that such huge step ahead of us. In my case, making that step means loosing all I have :crying: I had spoke with my wife several times, but everytime, it fails, to her I am a disgusting monster :crying: I know what you all will say, and that is, if that is the way she feels then that is the answer to my question. I know I would never be accepted and since I had built this strong wall to mask who I really am, and acted as the macho man that I needed to be to not let any signs of Sammy out to others, made it just so much harder. I know if I take the next step, it will have to be all on my own thereafter, ALONE FOREVER! It is so sad seen what happens to the most of us, we have to wait a life time to finally be ourselves, it is not until 30 or 40 years later when we have to make a decision about our lives. More so than not, we are old, tired, frustrated, unhappy with the way our lives developed, depressed beyond believe, alone (family-less), heart broken for years, and perhaps for many of us, it is too late for hormones expected response, not to mention the explaining and the way we looked at our age, masculine features, deep voice in front of a psychologist while seeking their professional help, makes me wonder if they think what the heck am I thinking about trying to be the female I was born to be at this age. I can see myself, in a remote isolated, dark area all by myself, perhaps happy being the girl I know I am, but all by myself. Lost everything I once had or did not have. It is terrifying just the thought of it, what a price we all have to pay to be able to be us. So sadly I've had seen many sister that have to recur to prostitution to earn a living :crying: just because society can't not accept us the way we are, so if we or some of us looks are ridiculous, what does looks have to do with anything, wish they all knew what we all go through and wish they all could just live their life and let everyone else live theirs. Sorry, I gotta go; my heart is bleeding and got to hide from reality.

My best wishes to all and God bless you all

Sammy

[Katrina]

Julie, to quote Pink Floyd: "Tear down the wall!". While I don't have children or a wife (anymore) to lose, I think you would be doing yourself a huge disservice by not accepting Julie as part of your being. I know that for me at this point, there is no way I would even consider marrying a woman that didn't truly accept my CDing because I know I cannot give it up or I will be very unhappy.

As for the "selfish" comment, I think that non-gender dysphoric people cannot even begin to comprehend the magnitude of having your true gender not equal your physical gender. In their eyes, you have a "choice" to do it or not and if it hurts them, your choice is selfish. I see it more like I'm being denied my very being and by them not accepting/shunning/complaining that I'm selfish, they are telling me that I cannot be. I'm just starting to take my first steps out the door of my house recently and I like it and it feels right - I'm about 1/10000000th as nervous as I thought I would be. I was more nervous on my wedding day when I married my ex. I think I'm finally coming to terms with my being.

As for the "thats how God created you" comment, well, I have a few opinions on it. First, God created us with the desire to be something which we are not - he/she created the gender dysphoria that we feel. Now I don't understand the reason why - was I Adolph Hitler in my last life and I'm being punished, or was I some saint and this is a gift of empathy/understanding for both genders? Some days I feel the former, some the latter. I think I have spent most of my life feeling that I was being punished until very recently (conincidentally when I found this forum), that I began to feel the latter. Having an accepting (mostly) GF also helped.

I have regrets. I'm 31 now and I'm very sad that I missed my younger years when I could have made changes in my life that would have led me to be accepted more as a woman (no male puberty). That makes me very very very sad. I also think that when my life is over, will I regret that I didn't live as a woman - probably. Will I feel like my life was a waste - probably. That makes me very sad. I love my GF and I want her to be happy too, but at what cost? I'm at a crossroads (much like I think you are) where I can push further and risk really hurting her or slow down/stop and risk being miserable the rest of my life. Maybe me wanting to be non-miserable is selfish - I could see that.

When I built my wall when I first met my ex-wife, I surpressed my CDing desire thinking that now that I have a GF, maybe it will go away. It did for several years, then it resurfaced and I started to be more and more unhappy. I got very depressed by the shame. After we divorced, I felt a new surge of life in me that I hadn't felt in a long time. Soon after, I met my GF. I'm much happier now, but I'm still sad that my body does not match my mind. Unfortunately for me, I don't think I'm truly a woman so transitioning for me would be a mistake. The best I could hope for is someone who presents as female but still maintains my male genetalia. That would make my love life very difficult to say the least especially since I'm not attracted to men and my GF is not attracted to women. That also makes me very sad.

[Julie]

Sammy, I went through a lot of the same feelings you expressed. "Look at me! I've lived a lifetime a a man and developed as a man. I'll never be able to be the woman I should have been. I'm too masculine!" And you're right. If you don't transition at an early age you will always wonder when the next turned head or ugly comment will come. You will never be able to look like a natural woman.

If that's all you want, then forget transitioning. You're in it for the wrong reason. But if you want to end the inner turmoil that has been eating away at you for all your life, you might want to reconsider your expectations. We are not supposed to look entirely female. God didn't make us that way. We are supposed to do the best with what we have. Where we will excel is when we hold our heads high and live our lives in a way that fits our personna. That's courage. That's what sets apart from the masses.

[Maria D]

I have no problem with God. Ha, I pray to Him, I believe in Him, love Him and I suspect he may even care for me. But I DO have a problem with the Christian churches. They tell people what is right and wrong, how to life their lives and how to get into heaven, based on very flimsy human interpretations of religious texts. They claim that in certain matters, they can't be wrong, since God is directing them. Well 'I' claim that's a load of rubbish.
Yes, you say 'God created us this way, He can't be wrong, right?'
They glibly say 'Yes, he did create you this way, but only so you can do the RIGHT thing by NOT doing it. THAT'S how you'll go to heaven.'
And remember, you can't argue, since they can't be wrong.

Yet I look at the past of, say, the catholic church, at all the mistakes it has made, the atrocities commited, the murders sactioned, the wars backed for human gain, the politics, the things sold by popes to rip people off (like papal indulgences), all the 'human' touches God clearly didn't 'authorise', all the things the church has said sorry for, and I think 'The church, in my opinion, by its past actions, has lost its right to dictate what is morally right and wrong.' I find myself wondering how God feels about all the bad things done in his name. Does the church really have the right to decide, over and above God, who goes to heaven? (They claim so, since Jesus gave Peter the metaphorical keys to heaven.)
Well, that's my rant!

Sammy, I really do feel for you, it's a horrible situation. Please don't feel that this will definitely mean a life alone though. I know it always feels like that, I felt that for many years when I was single. I always thought 'why would anyone want someone defective like me?' Then I met someone who did want me, and who slowly convinced me that I'm not defective, just different.
I'm not trying to convince you either way, it's your life to live, but please remember, neither path has to be totally black, and whatever you DO do, you never know what's going to happen next. Sometimes good things happen.

Take care
Maria
xxx

[Adele 2005]

To quote Julie:

"Where we will excel is when we hold our heads high and live our lives in a way that fits our personna. That's courage. That's what sets apart from the masses."

Yes, that takes more courage than most people will ever have to muster, but it's also difficult to accept when what you yearn to be is just an ordinary part of the other 50% of the worlds population, not someone set apart from the masses. Where does that confidence and drive to step out from the crowd come from? Is it desparation? I don't know!

[Autumnlust]

Julie, you have no idea how much i can relate to you!!! --- in all of your posts

[Julie]

Yes, that takes more courage than most people will ever have to muster, but it's also difficult to accept when what you yearn to be is just an ordinary part of the other 50% of the worlds population, not someone set apart from the masses. Where does that confidence and drive to step out from the crowd come from? Is it desparation? I don't know!

But Adele most of us don't have the physical traits that will allow us to be that which we yearn. Testosterone ruined that. So if we decide to transition we will almost assuredly run into situations where we are clocked and thus treated poorly. That's when we need to hold our head high and muster up all the courage we have.

But there's no doubt we are some of the strongest people on this earth. I was out dressed on Sunday and was talking to a pretty macho guy who rooms with a gay friend of mine. I was describing to him what our life was like. He's pretty accepting but doesn't understand why a straight guy would ever dress. I did my best to explain it to him then I said, "If I could take this out of me and put it in you (I used my hand like I was taking my heart out and putting it in his chest) you wouldn't last a day." He looked at me for a moment absorbing what I told him then said, "You're right. I couldn't handle it." Now here's a big strong macho guy. I thought he'd be macho and say no problen but maybe since he knows me both ways and I've told him some of what I have to live with before he realized how tough it would be to live this life.

Now all we have to do is get the rest of the world to see what he did.

[Elizabeth]

Julie,

A crossdresser on another forum wrote he would rather be in a war in a firefight, like he had been in many times, in Vietnam, than to go out in public crossdressed. The thought of it frightened him that much. I also remember spending years dreaming about what it would be like to be out while dressed.

It does take a lot of courage and self assuredness to go out dressed as the opposite sex on the 364 days are year that are not Halloween. I know that until I started going out dressed, it seemed like it would be impossible. Now I can not imagine going out in boy clothes again.

Yes, while it is tough going through life with this gift, we also get the rewards of this gift. For me, going out means letting go of all the unwritten rules of society, and truly living for myself. This feeling of liberation is unbeleivable. Most people will never experience it, because they will never have a compelling reason to.

I heard Helen Boyd say, in a piece I read on the internet, that of all the problems that crossdressers and transsexuals have "coming out", she never heard one say they regretted it. And I would take from Dr. Phil for a second here and say(even though he did not write it) "Those who are given much, much is expected". I feel that applies to all of us with this wonderfully painful gift.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[KittyMuffin]

Hi Liz

I am still trying to work up to my "emergence". Heck, I am still scared to dress up on Halloween, even though I conceivably could do so around the house w/o reprocussions. Part of the problem is living at home. My mom knows and is ok with it, but she doesn't want dad to know. But I have made a committment to myself that once I finish college and can afford to move out, I will complete the transition. I know I'm still young, but I am old enough to know that some things mustn't be rushed, or it's a disaster.

[MarieTS]

Dear Julie: So many times I've read your posts and wondered why you never flipped the switch and completely transitioned. It was always clear to me that you should have. But the reasons why you haven't were made abundantly clear on this thread. That reason is because like a true woman, you thought more about the welfare of others than about your own personal well-being. God bless you; and God bless all our sisters who posted on this thread. We all share a common conflict of competing demands versus internal neccessities.

[SammyGirl]

I am back after quite some time, since last. I feel so touched for all of your comments and words of encouragement. December 01, 2005 was my wife's and mine's 15 years anniversary, we celebrated for three evenings since how could you just celebrate 15 years of marriage in one evening, right? Anyhow, the third evening was by far a celebration; it was the beginning of the end of our lives being together. :crying: I am so very heart broken as I know she is as well, I am so very tired of hurting her heart and feelings over and over again, :crying: even thought she can't accept me as whom I am, she by far has being the most wonderful person in my entire life. The third evening which actually, ended the following morning her on one side of the bed, and I on the other, yes it ended bad, we ended fighting that morning again, of course it was over "Sammy", and I decided to tell her that I could not longer continue hurting her anymore, I asked her to please, accept whom I am and all of my defects and fouls or otherwise, even thought I know that I would regret it for the rest of my life, I wanted it us to go on our own ways for her own sake and happiness, as it is and has been so very hard, unfair, selfish, and painful to see her hurt over and over again, can't stand to see her sad anymore. It was indeed so very painful, heartbreaking moment, I was crying to actually said what I said that morning. Oh my God! What kind of a human being am I? This was the present or gift that I was giving to her after 15 years of the best years of her life! 15 years no one more day! :crying: I feel like I do not deserve to be alive, but it could not be stopped that morning. It is not all done and final yet, we are still in the same house and talking just the necessary. I know she is very hurt, as I know my heart is in many little pieces. I do not want to loose this wonderful woman but seems like the beginning of the end is now here! I do not wish this situation to anybody. I am now more in pain then before, and do not know what to do at this point. Wish I knew if I should go back to her and be who she wants me to be or let it ride and wait to see what happens.:confused:


Sammy

[VickySTG]

If only most so called Christians lived the life Jesus taught.

Take care
Maria
xxx
Now that is the nail on the head.