Trans friend attempted to kill herself in my home last night... I need advice.

[KristinSkye]

Long story short because I have to get ready for work:

Four weeks ago I took into my house a recently homeless MtF transgirl whom I had become decent friends with in an understanding that she should stay nearly rent free so long as she was actively trying to better herself as well as find a place to move in to by July.

She, self admittedly, has severe depression, anxiety, as well as suspected onset of schizophrenia (her mother was schizophrenic). Anyway when I first met her she had been off of HRT for about 4 weeks because she could not afford it. She went 6-7 weeks w/o hormones and up until 2 weeks ago seemed to be making an effort to be more responsible and improve.

She recently started to regress and last night I came home to her passed out on my couch and trying to OD and thereby kill herself on a combination of alcohol, ambien and marijuana. Needless I say I looked over her and took every precaution to make sure she was OK and didn't need to go to the hospital before I allowed myself to go to bed around 1AM.

This is her second suicide attempt in a few years (the first one resulted in a trip to the ER)... I spoke to her a few minutes this morning and tried to figure out what the hell she was thinking and tried to make her realize that life is worth living but she admitted to me that she has no motivation to do anything or improve her life.

I hate to sound selfish here but her actions have been negatively affecting my life since she moved in which I've been able to manage being the strong person I am but this was just too much.

I'm completely lost as to what I need to do. She needs to get out of my house before she continues to drag me down but at the same time I want to continue to help her...

I just do not know what to do.

[Lisa Gerrie]

Google "community mental health" for your area. Tell them you are dealing with somebody who is suicidal, and they'll tell you what help is available.

[KristinSkye]

@Anne Thank you, I think I found a place. For today I'm going to have to leave their information with this person in hopes that she calls them.

[Lisa Gerrie]

You could also call a local suicide hotline yourself -- anonymously and with no obligation to get involved -- and see what they suggest. They will be eager to help.

[_Kira_]

mmmm..
It's hard to advise.. because I'm not you..I don't know our relationships.. and It's logical that suicide and nervous person can drag down anybody who lives near.
So all depends on you..and what you exactly need..to help your friend or to give chance to yourself for normal life(because as I understand she brings you a lot peoblems).
So it' s only your choice.. nobody have ready "reciept" for your situ.
I can give just one advice.
You need just one sheet of paper. Divide it on two parts.
And enumerate positive and negative sides of each case.
I hope it 'll help.

[KristinSkye]

Thank you all for the help. This just couldn't have come at a worse time as I'm making my final transition at work starting Monday and I have my own issues and problems that I need to devote my time and energy to. Basically I need to save myself and I'm simply not in the position to save anyone else at the moment..

I gave her the information of the local place and asked that she call them but she refused saying that if they found out she tried to kill herself they would make her stay there and she would miss work and lose her job. I will suggest an anonymous suicide hotline instead.

[ronda]

Hi Kristin this is a diffacult spot to be in but i want to tell you that if she realy wanted to die she would be dead you would not be able to stop it most people are just trying to get some form of help or pity you must take care of you first you can not help someone when you can not help youself. this is where intervention comes into play if she will not go get help bring the help to her make it happen she will get mad at you but down the road she will thank you good luck Hugs Ronda

[kimdl93]

Ann's advice is the best you can do. This person needs professional help and support. You've done a good deed by giving her a place to live...for a while. Now, the act of kindness is to help her find that professional support and give her a nudge if neded to overcome her own inertia. Just sitting is depressing in and of itself. Don't facilitate the inertia.

[Inna]

Hi Kristin, first of all, you show immense compassion and that is awesome especially being trans your self! Your strength in resolve builds and gives hope. What do you feel strictly within your heart, without listening to the jargon of our relentless and often useless intellect?
You are doing an immense thing, and perhaps need someone around to be able to help them and see it through. Often the things we do for others are way more spiritually building then things we do for ourselves!!!!! She may need you, you may be her last hope, and this being a huge burden, it remains a beautiful burden to carry.

[Stephanie Michelle]

Kristin,

I might be wrong but I believe that if you know someone that is or had tried to commit suicide, you need to report that to the authorities, or you an get in legal trouble. Just something to look into. You are in a tough situation. Do what you know is best for you. She will do it weather you help her or not.

[Jorja]

This is a sad turn of events that I have found myself in a few times. I take in Trans youth that have been kicked out of thier homes because of thier situations with gender dysphoria and gender identity. In my opinion the best thing you can do is get this person help. If that means making a police report, then do it. They are not going to stop. They will continue until they are successful, no matter how much they plead that they will not do it again. They may despise you now but in the long run they will thank you.

[Chickhe]

This is going to sound harsh, but... people who get handouts almost never get better. They have to hit rock bottom to realize that they must change. What you need to do is stop giving and start asking her for something. You want her to feel she is valuable, so get her to contribute something. Get her involved in something she enjoyed in the past. If she can't pay you rent, can she contribute in some other way that saves you money? Is there some way she can help you with your transition?

[suzy1]

From what you have told us about your friend she is seriously ill with depression. [Stating the obvious] Your kindness is misplaced here I would have thought.

Think of yourself. You are not likely to help this person but she could drag you down with her.
Sometimes you have to walk away from a situation. This is one of them!!!

[Bree-asaurus]

From what you have told us about your friend she is seriously ill with depression. [Stating the obvious] Your kindness is misplaced here I would have thought.

Think of yourself. You are not likely to help this person but she could drag you down with her.
Sometimes you have to walk away from a situation. This is one of them!!!

I don't have any advice on how to get OUT of this situation, but I agree with Suzy that you need to.

I've been in similar situations a couple times because I'll put myself out there trying to help somebody else and they just dragged me down with them. I've learned from this and don't let myself get into those kinds of situations, but I don't really know how to help you get out of your current situation...

[Raynefall]

First off I would just like to clear something up. The Alcohol and the Ambien were the only two things that she was overdosing on. It is impossible to OD from Marijuana or even from combining Marijuana with other substances. Just a little info if you didn't already know. ^_^

Secondly I agree that you need to be out of the situation. I know from personal experience how much it effects a person to have someone around that is depressed and suicidal. It does seem like the best thing to do is to get her evaluated at a hospital. Talk with her about it and see how she feels. If she won't go willingly then the next step is to call the police and have her committed to a psych evaluation at the hospital. Maybe record her saying that she doesn't want to live anymore for further proof. Because if she isn't getting the help she needs than you might one day return home to find her dead and that will scar you for life.

[Bree-asaurus]

I know from personal experience how much it effects a person to have someone around that is depressed and suicidal.

I sometimes think it's not such a great idea to continue making friends that are transsexual. I have tons of transsexual friends and I have gotten VERY close to many of them. A few of them have attempted suicide, one of them more than once. It's extremely hard to love and care about someone and see them struggle like that. You do your best to be there for them, but it just destroys a little part of you every time something like this happens. A friend of mine who recently moved out of state to be with family because of a suicide attempt just attempted suicide again... and there's nothing I can do but watch her go down... it's heartbreaking. It's especially hard because you're dealing with the same issues they are killing themselves over. You think you can help them because if you can do it, surely you can impart some wisdom and some strength to get them through their hard times... and then they hit rock bottom again. I struggle enough with my issues... and I've come close to suicide a couple of times. I do my best to be there for my friends, but sometimes it can get entirely too overwhelming and you end up with more than you can handle because you are trying to be there for someone else.

Sorry... I think I started rambling halfway through that, but I'm getting all emotional and stuff... just going to end with this...

Help people when you can, but don't kill yourself in the process.

EDIT:

And please don't take my first sentence the wrong way. It's just, when you're struggling to breath yourself, it's good to be around people who have their s**t together. I would never leave my friends behind, but now I'm far more careful deciding who I let myself get attached to.

[MC-lite]

@KristinSkye: You need to get Her in the hands of mental health professionals -IMMEDIATELY-
Your compassion for her may do her more harm than good. Not to mention the fact that She could turn on you and hurt you.
If She's been taking Ambien, it's a very sinister drug. Very difficult to kick.

[Noemi]

Kristin,

You did a good thing by helping someone, truly a higher thought. You will not be dragged down.
I would get her to AA make sure she goes everyday, gets a sponsor and does 90 meeting in 90 days.

This girl(Noemi) has been through the mill. I have helped allot of folks and been down, way down, myself with a suicide attempt as well, I hate to admit, unsuccessful mind you(sorry stupidly funny to me).

Sometimes AA can cover a wide range of problems. What I know from being sober for the last 11 years is that I was running from my trans gender self, that's why I was out to destroy myself with drugs and booze. My point is the drugs and pills etc are a symptom of another serious situation. Maybe if she can get sober she will have a can have a look at what is really the matter, and will be able to be productive, like hold a job, and help you.

I know this is a tall order. Tell her to do the 90 and 90 or get out. Meetings are available and one dollar, even free. AA saved my tushy, it is a spiritual revolution.
Similar to what goes on here, with us helping each other. Higher thoughts lift us all up.

Good luck, and you are an Angel. And if she has to go she has to go, I am not there, all situations/personalities are different.

♥♥♥
Noemi

[Babeba]

Kristin,

I am so sorry that your friend is in the situation she is. I would say that she really needs help - having a job is great and all, but so is being alive. I know which one of the two I would pick for her.

I don't know what hospitals cost in the states, I hear it is prohibitive for some people (IMO, you shouldn't need to think about money in an emergency situation... But anyway) but in retrospect - the hospital would probably be the best option if it were to happen again. The doctors would be able to assess what help she really needs.

[TerryTerri]

I might seem kind of cold hearted. But, needing help and wanting help are 2 different stories. You can not help someone that does not want help and if someone genuinely wants help, it will not be very conditional, it will be more like a desperate grasping. I do not know the whole story as I'm sure it has too many complexities. However, given what has been shared, in my opinion and based upon my experience with others, she doesn't really want help and that means you are actually doing more harm than good. You are enabling her to continue to exist in an unrealistic situation with unrealistic expectations. As hard as it may seem. I think the most loving thing you can do for her is to tell her to find somewhere else to be. That may (or may not) force her to seek the help that MAY get her to figure out to be better. But, as long as you put up with her, why should she change? You are allowing her to continue feeling sorry for herself and live in a wo is me attitude. The girl need to get in gear and do something for herself (even though I'd bet good money she has an excuse why every alternative you can come up with will be wrong, or not work, or create more problems than they solve, etc. )
I just wanna add, been there, done that, Detach and let her save herself, it in reality is the only way. Once you offer a hand of support and help and that support and help is used to continue an unsustainable situation and not work toward actual solutions, it is at that point that enabling starts. If they don't want to help themselves, leave them to their own consequences, it is the best chance they really have.
Good Luck!

[Bree-asaurus]

I might seem kind of cold hearted. But, needing help and wanting help are 2 different stories. You can not help someone that does not want help and if someone genuinely wants help, it will not be very conditional, it will be more like a desperate grasping. I do not know the whole story as I'm sure it has too many complexities. However, given what has been shared, in my opinion and based upon my experience with others, she doesn't really want help and that means you are actually doing more harm than good. You are enabling her to continue to exist in an unrealistic situation with unrealistic expectations. As hard as it may seem. I think the most loving thing you can do for her is to tell her to find somewhere else to be. That may (or may not) force her to seek the help that MAY get her to figure out to be better. But, as long as you put up with her, why should she change? You are allowing her to continue feeling sorry for herself and live in a wo is me attitude. The girl need to get in gear and do something for herself (even though I'd bet good money she has an excuse why every alternative you can come up with will be wrong, or not work, or create more problems than they solve, etc. )
I just wanna add, been there, done that, Detach and let her save herself, it in reality is the only way. Once you offer a hand of support and help and that support and help is used to continue an unsustainable situation and not work toward actual solutions, it is at that point that enabling starts. If they don't want to help themselves, leave them to their own consequences, it is the best chance they really have.
Good Luck!

Not cold hearted at all... just honest.

[AudreyTN]

Long story short because I have to get ready for work:

Four weeks ago I took into my house a recently homeless MtF transgirl whom I had become decent friends with in an understanding that she should stay nearly rent free so long as she was actively trying to better herself as well as find a place to move in to by July.

She, self admittedly, has severe depression, anxiety, as well as suspected onset of schizophrenia (her mother was schizophrenic). Anyway when I first met her she had been off of HRT for about 4 weeks because she could not afford it. She went 6-7 weeks w/o hormones and up until 2 weeks ago seemed to be making an effort to be more responsible and improve.

She recently started to regress and last night I came home to her passed out on my couch and trying to OD and thereby kill herself on a combination of alcohol, ambien and marijuana. Needless I say I looked over her and took every precaution to make sure she was OK and didn't need to go to the hospital before I allowed myself to go to bed around 1AM.

This is her second suicide attempt in a few years (the first one resulted in a trip to the ER)... I spoke to her a few minutes this morning and tried to figure out what the hell she was thinking and tried to make her realize that life is worth living but she admitted to me that she has no motivation to do anything or improve her life.

I hate to sound selfish here but her actions have been negatively affecting my life since she moved in which I've been able to manage being the strong person I am but this was just too much.

I'm completely lost as to what I need to do. She needs to get out of my house before she continues to drag me down but at the same time I want to continue to help her...

I just do not know what to do.

I think the best thing that could be done for her is to get her to a mental institution so she can begin to get back on her feet under her own power. Outside of contacting a family member of hers, there's just not much else you can really do, and like you said you have your own problems and issues, and the negativity is not what you need or want. Getting her committed is not something I would feel good about, but considering the lack of alternatives, I'm not sure what else you can really do.

You have such a big heart though, I commend your hospitality and compassion. I would appreciate having a person like you in my life to care about and hope I meet someone someday that has the qualities you display.

[Raynefall]

I sometimes think it's not such a great idea to continue making friends that are transsexual. I have tons of transsexual friends and I have gotten VERY close to many of them. A few of them have attempted suicide, one of them more than once. It's extremely hard to love and care about someone and see them struggle like that. You do your best to be there for them, but it just destroys a little part of you every time something like this happens. A friend of mine who recently moved out of state to be with family because of a suicide attempt just attempted suicide again... and there's nothing I can do but watch her go down... it's heartbreaking. It's especially hard because you're dealing with the same issues they are killing themselves over. You think you can help them because if you can do it, surely you can impart some wisdom and some strength to get them through their hard times... and then they hit rock bottom again. I struggle enough with my issues... and I've come close to suicide a couple of times. I do my best to be there for my friends, but sometimes it can get entirely too overwhelming and you end up with more than you can handle because you are trying to be there for someone else.

Sorry... I think I started rambling halfway through that, but I'm getting all emotional and stuff... just going to end with this...

Help people when you can, but don't kill yourself in the process.

EDIT:

And please don't take my first sentence the wrong way. It's just, when you're struggling to breath yourself, it's good to be around people who have their s**t together. I would never leave my friends behind, but now I'm far more careful deciding who I let myself get attached to.

Honestly I think you said it perfectly there. I know the effects of it because I was always the one trying to help people while I steadily sank deeper myself. I don't care as long as the other person is kept afloat. I am still that way to this day. Others emotions take priority over my own. But if I ever reached a point with someone like the OP is describing then I would have to admit my own defeat and get them into a safe situation. Because even if they are mad at me afterwards or during... I know it was in their best interests and may indeed help.

[Thera Home]

Dearest Kristin
Thank You for helping a sister in need. You are a wonderful soul,its unfortunate the most wont take on the bruden(or added cross)onto themselves. Youre in my prayers for strength and wisdom. May your blessings be countless.

Thera

[emmicd]

Dear Kristin,

I pray for you and your friend in this difficult situation. It is hard to know how to help someone who is desperate and so down they seek suicide as the way out. I will provide a link for a well known organization that can help you and your friend.

http://samaritanshope.org/

I know what it is like to grieve. I lost my mom and dad both to suicide. My mom, 22 years ago and my dad 3 years ago. I still think what I could have done to make things different but it is and was beyond my control. I have had suicidal thoughts and my transgender situation sometimes contributes to those feelings but i must be strong as I have a 13 year old son who is autistic. What I am trying to say is the best you can do is to try to get your friend the help she needs through medical facility or outreach. Please stay strong and help your friend as best as you can. I will pray for you both.

emmi