Is she selfish or am I

[wifeOfHer]

So when I met my boyfriend, and he told me this horrible secret he had, I thought so what. I really don't care he crossdresses. I encouraged it. Helped get clothing, makeup, shoes.

She doesn't dress that often - but what has happened is full dress now - its not just some clothes - its a full transformation including personality.

I have come to find, I don't like her very much - if we met on the street - we wouldn't be friends - I think she is dramatic and irritating. This in no way is my husband, my friend, its a total different person. So over the past little bit, I have come to dread the dressing.

I don't mind the dressing per say - I just don't want to hang out or spend time with this person whom I don't particularly like.

Now the selfish - the post started out different - but I have something I like to do which is not easy as a family. We are getting freed up with summer vacation for a short period of time. Almost immediately I get the request for extra dressing time. I get it, but it seems she always had needs what about my needs - I don't want to spend the weekend locked in the house playing dress up with some overly dramatic person that gets on my nerves. I want to go do my thing which we haven't been able to have time for in over a year.

I am feeling like a doormat these days - its like I am constantly putting everything off for everyone elses 'needs' and I am getting tired. The problem is - I am upset and if I address it right now, today, its going to come off way worse than I intend which miss dramatic will go into a full blown sulk and guilt trip me with things about how she will stop dressing and totally miss my point.

I'd like to say - please dress all week but I am going off to do my own thing no hard feelings.

Thanks for listening.

[Mimi]

Can you phrase it in a way that sounds like you are doing her a favor? Maybe something about her being kind of bored by your activity, so you won't make her come along and you'll be happy to go by yourself. And by the way, please enjoy the time to dress as much as you'd like! If she isn't the type that needs you by her side every moment, and you don't mind doing things by yourself, this should work. You might also include something about making sure you still have a day or two of the vacation to spend together so she won't feel like you are just trying to avoid her. If you've had a chance to get away and do something for yourself, then it won't even matter if the together time is with her or the male half of your spouse.

[Lisa Gerrie]

Your post expresses your feelings very thoughtfully and clearly. Somewhere on your screen is a Print button. Use it, and hand the result to your SO, as is. It's perfect.

[stacycoral]

No i would say you are not, but to have a complete change doesn't sound good, just you change what you look like don't mean you have b ecome b----h, you have the right yo tell her she need to getn her act together,anyway that is how i see it, hope everything get better, take care of you, hugs

[Barbara Ella]

You are not being unreasonable at all. Your concerns about the personality of the woman he becomes are well expressed, and she should be made aware of this change, and the impact it will have on your willingness to endure the dressing. As for vacation, that is time away from the routine. Simply tell her you need your personal vacation time and to enjoy the alone time, and leave to recharge your batteries. I don't know if this includes children, but if it does, you can leave them with yo9ur husband, and he can deal with it. It seems like he gets a great deal of alone time already.

Barbara

[STACY B]

Hell No !! I tell ya what to do ? If SHE is being a little bitch ,, An wants to put on a Vally Girl Act ,,, When SHE dresses just tell HER ,,, Ohhhhh ya want some more dress time ,,HUH,, Thats great ,,Cuz I have dinner reservations tonite at ( Insert LOCAL ,,, Place ) An you only have 30-45 min to get ready . So hurry yo a$$ up ! See if that takes the wind out of her sails ,,,If not tell her ya mamma ,,An daddy will be pissed if were late .

[kimdl93]

For starters, I would suggest talking to your SO about the personality change exhibited when she's en femme.
Just be frank that it's not feminine...and rather irritating. Perhaps suggest that she become a softer, gentler and more considerate extension of her male self. Second, you certainly should explain that you feel your needs and interests are being disregarded. Remember, express this as "I feel that my interests or needs are not being met....or something along those lines. And ask how your SO might take your feelings into account.

[wifeOfHer]

Yes. Children. Its rare we have alone time without the children as most families experience. So the time is precious - it seems though most of the time where we do get that time, its the opportunity to dress. I do understand that too but the moment we find out we have some time and BAM - I need some dressing time comes up.

That is part of it - I get no alone time - ever. And when I do, its rare - because if the kids are here I am here. So this little bit of time comes up and its about dressing - which is not fun for me, its 100% for him to enjoy. I guess that is why I am referring to it as selfish - I know its hard to find opportunities, basically the only time dressing is simple is if the kids are out of the house for a period of time - but that too is my only break and filling my only breaks with dressing was just a disappointment this time.

I know its hard to find the time, I try to be supportive but I don't want my only time off with constant dressing and the woman he becomes.

[wifeOfHer]

And yes, I have discussed the personality change - not the part that I seem to dislike the woman - just that with the total transformation, my husband is completely gone. I could deal - if I liked the woman - then it would be like a friend - but instead its sort of become an evening being stuck with this prissy woman I don't particularly like. I know that sounds horrible - because it is my husband who is my best friend and I love very much - its hard to explain that its simply not the same person. It surprises me each and every time. A few weeks back in the last dressing session - when she came out, I groaned inside - oh no, not her - as if you see someone you dislike at the mall and they are headed your way and you just want to duck so they don't talk to you.

Its hard to explain to her that the dressing doesn't bother me - it actually doesn't - I just don't want to hang out with the woman - be nice if she went and hung out with friends somewhere instead.

She's very touchy about the dressing - she dresses then feel guilty for dressing - anything I say often is taken personally and incorrectly - I can be verbally honest which is brutal sometimes so I walk on eggshells on how to approach it.

I guess I am going to see how much dressing its going to be before I make it too big of a deal - its just when it came up that more dressing time was required since we have a little time - I just felt so ripped off.

[Kate Simmons]

Too bad she seems to be so selfish my friend. Marriage is supposed to be an equal partnership with one caring for the needs of the other. Looks like you've done more than your share of that. If your own needs are not being met, however, you may need to re-assess the relationship.

[Silentpartner GG SO]

WifeOfHer you really need to speak to your husband - its not good for you to bottle this up and just "walk on eggshells" so as not to upset him/her. He's an adult, a husband and a father and maybe needs to grow a pair and stop getting so touchy and sulky when you talk to him about the things that bother you.

It might be worth suggesting that you divide the free time you have 50/50 so you both get time doing what you want to do. It's all too easy to "roll over and give in" just to keep the peace but that's just going to eventually eat you up inside and make you bitter and angry. Everyone needs some 'down' time to keep us going.

Try writing down what you want to say, so it doesnt all come out wrong if you start getting upset, tell him you need to speak to him and ask him not to interrupt until you've said what you need to say. Hopefully if you can get across how you feel and how his personality change is so alien and unwelcome, he may try to deal with it.

[wifeOfHer]

@Kate,
I don't disagree. The dressing is one selfish thing of many. I am posting here because the dressing is a touchy one that makes it difficult to discuss openly in other areas as you can image. I was just disappointed that we gained this time which is rare and the first thing is 'need more dressing time'.

I am re-assessing a few things. I am pulling far more than my half of the load of the household these days.

I just felt like G.R.O.A.N and needed to get it off my chest somewhere open minded.

[kimdl93]

One last thing. It's cathartic to vent ones frustrations and this forum is a good place. You'll be certain of sympathy and support for your frustrations. But I would strongly advise against taking a harsh and argumentative tone when discussing your concerns with your SO. The two of you can work out the problems but it will take maturity and self control as you delve into sensitive issues. Don't let the conversation decay into an argument.

[Kate Simmons]

I totally understand Hon. I learned the hard way what my wife was going through. I finally saw the light. When you get your 10 posts and you want to talk or vent PM me anyrime. Even if it doesn't solve anything having a listening ear of someone who cares helps to get the feelings out because kept inside they will fester.Take care.:)

[Foxglove]

Hi, Wife! I don't think you're being selfish at all. As a TG person myself, I can understand what your husband's going through. It's not selfish in itself to want to be who you are. It's extremely frustrating when you can't.

That said, it is quite possible for an unselfish act to become selfish when it's taken too far, and it certainly sounds to me like that's what's happening here. There are two people in a relationship, and when one of them is feeling like a "doormat", then it's a very serious situation. I'd agree with the advice you got to let your husband have a look at what you're saying here. He's got to see your point of view. You're being very understanding, he's not. So he's got to take a look at things. If he can't, it doesn't augur well for your relationship. There's absolutely no reason why you shouldn't think about your feelings and needs, especially when they're being so blatantly ignored. That isn't selfishness. It's just a normal human need.

Best wishes, Annabelle

[wifeOfHer]

@Annabelle,

Yes, being oneself isn't selfish - and I agree. That is where I get angry with myself - because that is all she is trying to do and its hard to find the time - which I do really understand. That is why I was asking maybe I am being selfish by feeling like I did when I heard, I need time to dress while the kids are gone.

Well, I don't. She does. Maybe that is what I can express in a polite way. Its cool - dress - but I don't need more time to dress, I need time to do my things for a bit and I don't mind going at it alone. However, She doesn't like to dress alone - its kind of like since I helped out at first now its an 'us' thing - its not - its a her thing - doesn't benefit me - its 100% pure supportive partnership on my side - I married knowing dressing would be part of it - I am fine with it - doesn't mean I want to participate each and every time - she can dress on her own - that maybe is what I need to get across. Please, go dress, enjoy, go out, do whatever you want but I have my own things to do for a bit - things that my husband may not entirely enjoy doing with me either - but I am ok with that.

I feel better. I appreciate the responses so much. I will have to address miss prissy gently and see where I can get.

[Karren H]

Your not selfish at all.... And your in control of your relationship.... imho. So tell him how it is and what you like and don't like. And he starts whining...... Threaten to out him to everyone he knows! Lol. Your in the drivers seat the way I see it....

[Silentpartner GG SO]

from this last post it sounds as though you have it more sorted in your own mind what you need to say/do. Sometimes just airing your feelings to a third party (in this case the forum) can make one see more clearly. I hope you can get some resolution to this - you sound like a very caring and compromising wife - I hope your SO will see this and sort himself out too.

[Foxglove]

However, She doesn't like to dress alone - its kind of like since I helped out at first now its an 'us' thing - its not - its a her thing - doesn't benefit me - its 100% pure supportive partnership on my side - I married knowing dressing would be part of it - I am fine with it - doesn't mean I want to participate each and every time - she can dress on her own - that maybe is what I need to get across.


This baffles me. I don't see why she can't dress on her own at least part of the time. One thing about some of us at least: when those we love are willing to see us dressed--and there are loved ones who don't want to see it at all--then it makes us feel really accepted. However, there's absolutely no reason that I can see that a CDer would need the wife's presence all the time. There's lots of members on this forum who would love to have a wife as accepting as you. No, I think your husband is being unreasonable there. You have a life, you have needs, you have things to do. The fact that you're accepting of her dressing is marvellous. You do have the right to think about yourself.

[kimdl93]

Your not selfish at all.... And your in control of your relationship.... imho. So tell him how it is and what you like and don't like. And he starts whining...... Threaten to out him to everyone he knows! Lol. Your in the drivers seat the way I see it....

Again, you can take an aggressive approache and threaten and coerce. It may feel good in some way to impose your will, but my concern is that in the short term, anger will overule good judgement, harsh and venal things will be said, and your relationship damaged. Instead, why not approach this maturely, talk through your problems in a calm and non-accusatory manner, and seek a mutally agreeable solution.

[Annaliese2010]

No, I don't think you're selfish at All. Anything but! You've been accommodating, supportive, encouraging and my geuss is fun, adventurous, edgy and amazing. You sound like the kind of girl whose every CD's or transgendered's dream. Here's the thing though. If your husband is an individual who by his physical (brain based) constitution, feels a deep psychological disconnect with his maleness, to the point where it causes him to feel constant inner conflict and psychological distress, then unfortunately it's gnna be an ongoing problem for you. Because my understanding is that for these individuals are so very identified with the female aspect of their personality the only way to feel normal & content is when they fully & completey allow their female self to surface & express. Unfortunately, the particular personality of his feminine persona happens to be one that irritates & bores you. You can't help that though. If she had a different personality maybe you'd get along.

But if he's not so extremely inner conflicted wrt his gender identification, and it's just something he indulges in for his own pleasure, then I'd say he is Extremely selfish to rob you of the opportunity to have a fun relaxing exciting vacation with HIM, his male self. Sounds like you're a sweet giving person and deserve having something good to look forward to, like time with Him on a nice summer vacation. You have needs. They should be met. If his fem thing isn't driven by some deep seated psychological need then he should know this, appreciate you for the wonderful woman you are and treat you lovingly. To do anything else is selfish in the extreme, IMHO. Wish you the very best, hope it gets resolved honey.

[Lynn Marie]

The problem is - I am upset and if I address it right now, today, its going to come off way worse than I intend which miss dramatic will go into a full blown sulk and guilt trip me with things about how she will stop dressing and totally miss my point.

I'd like to say - please dress all week but I am going off to do my own thing no hard feelings.

Thanks for listening.

The sulking and guilt trip bothered me as soon as I read it. It's the actions of a child trying to get his, or her, way. You're a mother, you know this. You need a man at home and not another kid. If the man wants to dress up on his own time without all the drama, then okay. Otherwise he needs to grow up and bite the bullet like the rest of us who have sacrificed our pleasures to raise our children.

[Karren H]

Again, you can take an aggressive approache and threaten and coerce. It may feel good in some way to impose your will, but my concern is that in the short term, anger will overule good judgement, harsh and venal things will be said, and your relationship damaged. Instead, why not approach this maturely, talk through your problems in a calm and non-accusatory manner, and seek a mutally agreeable solution.

True. Mutually agreeable is better but I'd make sure he knew what she has and what the repercussions of not coming to a "mutually agreeable" solution could be! Its the golden rule... She who has the gold makes the rules. Lol.

[StarrOfDelite]

The thing I find puzzling about your relationship is that you are describing the situation as if you are dealing with two different people. A lot of transgenders have different persona when they are dressed as a a woman than when they are dressed as a man, but it seems to me that the basic underlying good person/bad person thingy remains pretty much the same. I find it hard to believe that your husband isn't a selfish, narcissistic male when he's not crossdressing. You said that you feel like a doormat because his femme alter ego is pushing you around, are you sure that he doesn't push you around to get his own way when he's in male mode and you accept that because it's what good wives do?

[Lorileah]

Selfish would be if you said "Hey, that's the end of this, buck up and be a man. My way or the highway dude." You didn't do that.

My personality changes when I dress too, it changes to what I really am. I just hope you are seeing that with your hubby. I get nicer (OK all you out there quit rolling your eyes, I am nice). I would say the majority here do that. Becoming a spoiled rotten teenager is not good. Maybe he is playing a part he thinks should happen? Does he watch RuPaul? Those queens are not nice and they are not the "norm" for our community. They are really spoiled over the top bitch*s.

Family and family time ALWAYS comes first. When he married you he made that commitment. He should honor it. You allow time for "her". But she needs to allow time for you. (maybe you need a sign that says "Save the drama for yo mama" or "no drama queens" you can flash when she gets that way.) I think you should tell her you don't like her personality. Let her know that you would not be friends with her. That she is boorish or spoiled or whatever and you find that kind of attitude off-putting. There is a fine line between "I love you " and "I love you but..."

You have made efforts to be accommodating. That is a two way street. It is all about compromise. Not saying there cannot be a little "girl" time during (or before or after) vacation. It is just that vacation means you both get to relax and have fun. (which is why I don't get camping at all, why would you take a week to sleep on the ground and eat dehydrated foods and...oh sorry, it is just I am a princess and my idea of roughing it is a hotel without concierge service.)

Good luck,

[Kaz]

I have always found that a constructive, collaborative approach that looks for win-wins works best in all aspects of life and work. The minute you dictate terms, you have lost him, and vice versa... the only road is the middle path. He needs to attend to you in a way that works for you and vice versa... It isn't rocket science! What will stop it happening is a lack of will on either side, but that will be determined by personal/individual desires/objectives?

I, for example, do not wish to cause upset/injury/etc to my partner nor my children.. But I know that I will, because that is the way the world works (whether I CD or do not). Some things will emerge that will cause problems... So what do I do as a reasonable person in a loving, engaging relationship? I put them first while trying to pursue my needs. I stress.. I put them FIRST, while trying to pursue my needs.

[wifeOfHer]

I find it hard to believe that your husband isn't a selfish, narcissistic male when he's not crossdressing.

Oh no, I stated I have over the last year allowed him in other areas as well - I am frustrated with a few more things right this moment than just the dressing - its just when this one came up this morning, it was the straw the broke the camels back.

I stated I feel currently I am doing more than my fair share in this household and I have reached my breaking point. Throw the 'oh great, now he wants to dress during our short time off' on top and I came here today to get it off my chest.

It helped seeing it in writing. I am going to talk to him\her and say - hey dress but count me out on this one.

[BRANDYJ]

Hello WifeofHer, First welcome to our great support site! I hope we can offer some support and suggestions that help you sort out your feelings.

I totally get where you are coming from. First, some years back, I had a friend that like me, was a CD. Sadly he died about 5-6 years ago. We were friends not only while we crossdressed, but in many non-crossdressed settings. His wife was fine with him dressing, and we had spent several evenings with his wife while we both got dressed. But you reminded me of the way I felt about him. As a woman, "she" was not a fun [person to be around. Reminded both his wife and I of a prissy blue-nosed old lady! He was also a very selfish person and acted like a child if he did not get his way. Frankly, I did not like the way he treated his wife due to his selfishness. His otherwise great personality totally changed. When he was in male mode he was a fun and funny guy to be around. So I understand how your husband might also change into someone you don't like.

My thoughts in no particular order: I love to play golf and go fishing, my SO does not. So she has no problem when I do either one. She enjoys her alone time to do what she wants. So I suggest you simply tell your husband that you don't enjoy his long dress up time and you want to go do your thing when he dresses. He is being very selfish to NOT understand and agree to dress alone or find CD groups or friends he can do his thing with. You are not being unreasonable at all! You should not let him be so demanding or mad simply because you do not enjoy being around him dressed. Let that be known! Don't be a doormat.
I wish you the very best in dealing with him/her.

[kendra_gurl]

Whatever the two of you work out as to the amount of time hubby gets to dress while the kids are away I suggest you work on changing HER attitude while dressed. When she does or says something you dislike ask her why she said that or is acting that way.

Don't be afraid of having the typical cat fight with a gf when hubby is being your gf instead of your hubby. You might start out by saying that to him " when your dressed your supposed to be my gf and I don't like having a B@#$H for a gf so chill out or get out"

[Kaz]

It sounds to me like he is in the 'pink fog' - he is so attracted to it that this is where he wants to be... he may well be, but he may be going through a phase. I always get troubled by words like 'allow'... they are very control orientated. My wife is her own person and I would never wish to limit her self-expression and personal development. Why should I feel like 'allowing' her (and by definition, 'dis-allowing' her to do things?) To me that is about male control - something that I have worked against all my life... But it appears it works the other way too? Interesting...

I just wish for a world where we can all be who we want to be and actually support everyone else in that aspiration...

[Michelle.M]

I'd like to say - please dress all week but I am going off to do my own thing no hard feelings.


So say that! That'll be a good way to get this thing off dead center, and it'll all be on her to choose the course of her future as well as the present.

[Cheryl T]

Sounds like she is selfish.
Granted I can understand it to a degree as I spent years clutching every free moment to dress and stealing that time that I could be doing something about the house or with my lovely wife. Truth is that from my vantage she is being overly selfish, particularly if you are not given equal time for things you would like to do "sans children". We all need some "ME" time and it should not be hers exclusively.

Best suggestion I can offer is to take some time alone together (without the dressing) and sit and talk quietly and honestly about the whole thing. But do it somewhere neutral, not at home.

[busker]

So when I met my boyfriend, and he told me this horrible secret he had, I thought so what. I really don't care he crossdresses. I encouraged it. Helped get clothing, makeup, shoes.

She doesn't dress that often - but what has happened is full dress now - its not just some clothes - its a full transformation including personality.

I have come to find, I don't like her very much - if we met on the street - we wouldn't be friends - I think she is dramatic and irritating. This in no way is my husband, my friend, its a total different person. So over the past little bit, I have come to dread the dressing.

I don't mind the dressing per say - I just don't want to hang out or spend time with this person whom I don't particularly like.

Now the selfish - the post started out different - but I have something I like to do which is not easy as a family. We are getting freed up with summer vacation for a short period of time. Almost immediately I get the request for extra dressing time. I get it, but it seems she always had needs what about my needs - I don't want to spend the weekend locked in the house playing dress up with some overly dramatic person that gets on my nerves. I want to go do my thing which we haven't been able to have time for in over a year.

I am feeling like a doormat these days - its like I am constantly putting everything off for everyone elses 'needs' and I am getting tired. The problem is - I am upset and if I address it right now, today, its going to come off way worse than I intend which miss dramatic will go into a full blown sulk and guilt trip me with things about how she will stop dressing and totally miss my point.

I'd like to say - please dress all week but I am going off to do my own thing no hard feelings.

Thanks for listening.

You haven't said whether your husband is headed towards being transexual but the constant need seems to indicate something going on besides the dressing. since your presence is required for the sessions, I am wondering if there is some erotic thing going on, exhibitionism or ? that REQUIRES you to participate. It sounds overboard for a CDer. There are lots of DADT relationships, some supportive ones, but I can't recall anyone mentioning they MUST participate with their CDer hubby.
Personally, I think you need to tell him in no uncertain terms that he is free to dress, you are taking a break and he can like it or not. One idea expressed was a 50-50 split of the vacation times, and I thought that as well, until I read all of your posts. Now ,I think it is your time to have a total diversion from "HER". Some people are selfish by nature and it gets worse in some situations, like a bad guy who gets worse when he puts on his prison guard uniform. There is no way he will see your life from your point of view because his mind is incapable of doing that, so you just have to stand your ground, say it is how it is, explain if you can, and be done with it.
best wishes

[Kathy4ever]

It is a shame that your husband acts like that. It seems you have compromised a lot in the relationship. You have gotten a lot of good suggestions and telling him he is free to do his thing but you are doing your ownnthing seems appropriate response. You don't seem selfish at all to me. Good Luck!!!

[Mythic]

You are with this person because you love them right? You love "That" person. Don't feel guilty about being irritated by this "other" person they become. And if he has such a personality switch only from some cloths that it causes someone who loves him to be completly annoyed by it then I believe he has a serious issue. Most likely this other personality, if it's so radically different from his own, is just a facade he put's up for himself. We can all feel more feminine or like a woman if we dress up, but when it comes down to it we are the same person with not the most extreme change in my opinion. I believe when you confront him you need to establish that you have needs, and desires, and maybe he needs to get over himself an think about others. You don't mind the cloths part of his dressing? that's wonderful. But from how it sounds he doesn't cherish that. Good luck.

[daarleane]

For my two cents worth, if he was to dress like a lady, then act like one. All ladies know how to become gracious, teenagers are self centered. She needs to 'grow up". You have a right to enjoy your life, she needs to learn how to share it, graciously. if she wants to act like a spoiled teenager, then send her to her room without her cellphone.

[Joanna41]

Your post expresses your feelings very thoughtfully and clearly. Somewhere on your screen is a Print button. Use it, and hand the result to your SO, as is. It's perfect.

This sounds like a great idea to me!

Joanna

[Sophia Claire]

So when I met my boyfriend, and he told me this horrible secret he had, I thought so what. I really don't care he crossdresses. I encouraged it. Helped get clothing, makeup, shoes.

She doesn't dress that often - but what has happened is full dress now - its not just some clothes - its a full transformation including personality.
O
I have come to find, I don't like her very much - if we met on the street - we wouldn't be friends - I think she is dramatic and irritating. This in no way is my husband, my friend, its a total different person. So over the past little bit, I have come to dread the dressing.

I don't mind the dressing per say - I just don't want to hang out or spend time with this person whom I don't particularly like.

Now the selfish - the post started out different - but I have something I like to do which is not easy as a family. We are getting freed up with summer vacation for a short period of time. Almost immediately I get the request for extra dressing time. I get it, but it seems she always had needs what about my needs - I don't want to spend the weekend locked in the house playing dress up with some overly dramatic person that gets on my nerves. I want to go do my thing which we haven't been able to have time for in over a year.

I am feeling like a doormat these days - its like I am constantly putting everything off for everyone elses 'needs' and I am getting tired. The problem is - I am upset and if I address it right now, today, its going to come off way worse than I intend which miss dramatic will go into a full blown sulk and guilt trip me with things about how she will stop dressing and totally miss my point.

I'd like to say - please dress all week but I am going off to do my own thing no hard feelings.

Thanks for listening.

Well, I certainly understand your dilemma. It's tricky. My advice would be to talk to her about her attitude and personality. I find that it's very common for crossdressers to overcompensate some aspects of our femininity. I don't know if this is the problem, but it may be worth having a frank discussion about this.

It is absolutely NOT selfish to want him to do things that you want to do, considering you hang out with him when he's en femme. Relationships are about give and take. You need to vioce your concerns to him. Trust me, if you love him our value your relationship, then it's worth having a fight over. If it's not, then you have more serious problems to deal with.