Is It Fair To Ask?

[TeresaL]

My wife is starting on the third of five total weeks of summer break from her job at a local school. Since I'm retired and home alone during the day, I have become accustomed to many hours of expression time. We are currently in an agreed DODT but seemingly and hopefully progressing. She is willing to learn now, and graciously accepted a few mild but educational papers from here and other CD sites.

While discussing plans pertaining to her break, I've agreed not to dress or express while she is in the house -- an agreement meant to help her through, because she doesn't want to see it. While she doesn't want to give permission, she knows it can't be stopped, and she is aware that I am dressing after she leaves for work in the morning.

While on vacation though, she stays at home 24/7 and is always within near proximity of me. Consequently, she takes me on all her vehicle trips for errands, visitation, and other sundry reasons. Maybe it's not intentional, but I feel smothered, as if she is clinging to me.

Is it fair for me to ask on occasion for a few (3 or 4) hours alone time?

[Confetti]

Can you go for a walk or jog? Library? I wish she could dress you up one day have fun with the bigger picture because, that will be what retirement feels like when she is home more too. Personal space is important too much on the one hand is a bad sign.And yes way too much is suffocating. She must want space too?

[Babette]

Base on the information provided, here is what I see. Thanks to retirement, you are free to express your desires throughout most of the year. You wife only has a five-week break from her job. That seemingly narrows your free time down to 47 weeks. That's still a lot of time for you.

Maybe she just really enjoys your company for a change without the job tensions. By your own admission, she is "willing to learn now...". That's far better than an opposing attitude. I think you should make the most of your time spent together. Show her that her needs are just as important as your's.

My 2 cents worth,

Babette

[Stephenie S]

I have to agree with Babette, here.

Gee whiz, sweetie. Give her a break. You know her views on this. She has been quite clear.

"I know you crossdress, just don't do it around me or talk about it around me."

She sounds pretty accepting to me. Do you realize how many guys on this forum would kill (Not literally. Bad choice of words) for a wife who is that accepting????

I see two issues. The crossdressing thing and the smothering thing. Yes, it's fair to ask for some alone time. You don't HAVE to go on every errand. But to ask her for time to crossdress means you have to bring up the subject. She doesn't want to hear it. Don't bring it up. Wait until she's back at work. We want SOME time with our men, you know. Not ALL the time. Just some time. And if her time with you is when she's on vacation, that's a very small gift. Give it to her.

And give it to her with a smile in your heart, not with resentment. We can tell the difference, you know.

Stephie

[Melissa Rose]

Tough it out and give your wife her 5 weeks. You have the other 47 weeks of the year. A relationship requires compromise and giving her 5 weeks is not asking too much. You are focusing on what you have lost and not on what you have. If it is really torture, get a hotel room for a day so you can dress. Don't make her leave the house or purposely go do something without you so you can dress. IMHO, that would feel like you are rejecting her or pushing her away, and also sends a message as to what is more important to you. While 5 weeks may feel like a long time, it is not the end of the world as we know it.

[SherriePall]

While I agree with the others, I offer this suggestion. Maybe, when she plans her next day out with you, you can ask, "Do you need me to go along today?" That way you are not violating your DADT policy, yet giving her a chance to realize that, perhaps, you do need some time to yourself. If she still wants you to tag along, so be it. Enjoy her company and don't grouse about it.

[kimdl93]

I think its entirely fair to ask, but I don't know how your particular DADT arrangement works. It seems that its an open secret that you're dressing when she's away from the house and she's open to learning more about CDing. So perhaps you can find an opportunity to talk some more and see if there's some way to help alleviate some of her reservations about seeing you en femme. After all, someday she'll be retired too. Wouldn't it be much better if the two of you could spend time together without hiding this part of yourself.

[Wildaboutheels]

Sounds to me, like she MIGHT be trying to "break you" from your bad habit.

I don't care that she works. And only has 5 weeks with you out of 52. Your post implies that she is literally demanding 24/7 for 5 straight weeks. FIVE weeks??? I seriously doubt anyone here has spent even ONE week 24/7 with another person unless it was on vacation and even then, there were probably periods of time alone. And it doesn't matter how much we love or worship someone. DOES NOT matter what you will do with your "me time". Everyone, I know needs some ALONE time for whatever it is they like to do.

Certainly the world is not going to come to an end, if you just simply "opt out" of one of her errands?

Is it?

Or are you worried that she will "accuse you" of __________.

Expecting some Alone time from anyone is not a crime IMO.

It would be great to see HER post and get her take on this but I am guessing the chances of that are slim and none?

[Alice B]

I understand your situation. My wife has always accepted mt needing to dress and while she was away at work I could dress at home all I wanted and at times while she was home, but upstairs. I can even dress and go out ince in a while when she was going to bed early. But now she is startig to retire, is at home most days (works from home office) and always has things for me to do. My dressing time is droping far more than I like and I find this is stressing me. I don't know if it will work for you, but I'm going to have the talk again to resetablish new working rules.

[2B Natasha]

Sounds to me, like she MIGHT be trying to "break you" from your bad habit.

I don't care that she works. And only has 5 weeks with you out of 52. Your post implies that she is literally demanding 24/7 for 5 straight weeks. FIVE weeks??? I seriously doubt anyone here has spent even ONE week 24/7 with another person unless it was on vacation and even then, there were probably periods of time alone. And it doesn't matter how much we love or worship someone. DOES NOT matter what you will do with your "me time". Everyone, I know needs some ALONE time for whatever it is they like to do.

Certainly the world is not going to come to an end, if you just simply "opt out" of one of her errands?

Is it?

Or are you worried that she will "accuse you" of __________.

Expecting some Alone time from anyone is not a crime IMO.

It would be great to see HER post and get her take on this but I am guessing the chances of that are slim and none?

I could not disagree more with this statement.

Me and my SO spend almost every minute together when we are not working. And I work for a school district so I have the same vacation as she does. Heck. We will drive to the drug store together to get a ream of paper and that only takes 10 minutes. I would want it any other way.

Suck it up. Spend time with her. Tell her you love her 10 times a day. Find the small opportunities ti talk to her about cross dressing and go from there.

Cheers

[rufus rabbit]

Maybe you should talk to her, and let her know its ok that you get time on your own, and that for a healthy relationship its best that we all get some quality time alone, however if she has 5 weeks off and if she's working most of the year, it could be possible that she wants to spend time with you, and doesn't even realise that she's smothering you. I wouldn't go for the aggressive tacit as she is not likely to respond well. If she's doing it on purpose to make you stop then you need to be able to explain that's not going to work. x

[Leslie Langford]

Teresa, I, too, am troubled by the phrasing in your post:

"...Consequently, she takes me on all her vehicle trips for errands, visitation, and other sundry reasons. Maybe it's not intentional, but I feel smothered, as if she is clinging to me..."

Is this because your wife truly wants your company and is making up for the limited time for togetherness when she is working, or is she monopolizing your availability as a way of controlling your free time and consequently, your opportunities to crossdress? This is a huge elephant in the room which needs to be addressed sooner rather than later, as before long, she, too, will be retiring and around you 24/7. How is that going to work for you, given your current concerns with only 5 weeks annually of "togetherness" to deal with?

I'm in a similar situation to yours, and my wife will be retiring next June. I am wrestling with the same issue, and am still not sure how it is going to play out in the end. I really don't want to be put into a "Sophie's Choice" type of situation where she will try to make me choose between her and "Leslie".

Yes, my wife has needs of her own, and yes, I want to respect her boundaries and comfort zone (or lack thereof) with my crossdressing. But at the same time, I am also a firm believer in the old adage that your right to swing your arm ends where my nose begins (so to speak) - in other words, whose needs trump whose?.

My solution over the last few months to pave the way towards this goal has been to be quite open about the extent to which I crossdress, when I go out as "Leslie", what female clothing I have purchased lately, and when I am going for a makeover or mani/pedi etc. In short, total transparency regarding my crossdressing activities, except for actually having her see me in girl mode - or pictures of same - which she is not ready for yet (or ever?).

I've also found that talking so openly about my crossdressing has taken much of the mystery surrounding it away from my wife and therefore gradually making it seem more "normal" - at least within the context of our own marriage. I've been pushing this envelope slowly but gently over the last several months, and so far - except for the occasional grumbling - she has gone along with every advance in that direction.

Mind you, I have also become especially attentive to her own needs at the same time (if there's one thing that I have learned from this forum, that would be it ;)), and this "pay it forward approach" has paid the expected dividends.

Still, it's not a slam dunk yet as to how this will all play out once my wife is retired, so I am taking it one step at a time. That said, it would certainly be useful to compare notes with you or others in similar situations as to what their experiences were in that regard...

[TeresaL]

Thanks for all the suggistions.
I agree. It's not wise, prudent, or practical to make an obsession over this, and I am blessed to have a good amount of time to myself when she goes back. Pushing and pressuring will only make it worse, and I have done a lot of it lately trying to "educate" her. Three weeks will fly.

EDIT: I meant to say that I will not be dressing for the next few weeks that she is home.

[Kate Simmons]

That is a question only you can answer in view of your relationship Hon. Perhaps it's a test by her to see how steadfast her Husband is in the face of CDing.:)

[Babeba]

I can see needing space in general for you time, but I think you may want to suck it up on the dressing for the next couple of weeks. I would talk about it with your wife in terms of life balance, without thinking of dressing - there is other stuff you ate probably putting aside, right? Why not have her do your stuff other than dressing with you?

[Barbara Ella]

For the remaining time she is home, why dont you two sit down and specifically plan some together things for several days a week. This will make her feel more included in your life, as this is what I feel she is attempting to do by dragging you. Your interest will be very helpful. Ask her if there are any things she might like to do alone. If none, live with it, but mention that you might like to do something to do alone.

Show an increased interest in doing some planned things, and maybe the spur of the moment things will decrease.

But above all, give her this short time together. Plan ahead for the long term when she is retired. Best to plant the seeds early.

Barbara

[BRANDYJ]

Make time spent with your wife a priority. You will survive until you are alone again. No, I would not ask in your DADT situation. Ask and make her feel she is not a priority over your dressing and you may end up with worse then DADT. Spend time appreciating her.

[Teri Ray]

Sounds like you have a great life. Your wife knowing that you dress, and knowing that despite the fact that she chooses not to see or participate, is still a good thing. I am sure many others here would love to have that relationship. Your wife's attitude is similar to mine. My recommendation is enjoy the time you and your wife have together and don't push her for more than she is willing to accept. I bet she will eventually surprise you. Best wishes

[Cheryl T]

Enjoy your time with her. After all she's more important than anything else, right?
Think of all the people who have their time together cut short in some way and would give anything for another few moments with that loved one.

I used to be very selfish this way. I would tell my spouse that I hated shopping and she would go off herself. That gave me 30 mins, maybe an hour or two to dress. I relished that time. Then all this became too much for me and I told her everything. Luckily she's fully accepting and I can dress anytime I wish. A few times we've been out and done things like a nice dinner and then I would ask what she wanted to do. She was tired and wanted to go home but felt bad she was cutting my Me time short. I told her not to worry as I could dress anytime thanks to her.
Now we are always together, go shopping and everywhere, always together. I will never have that "I should have spent more time with her" regret should something happen to take her (or me from her) away.
Don't waste your love...

[stacycoral]

Base on the information provided, here is what I see. Thanks to retirement, you are free to express your desires throughout most of the year. You wife only has a five-week break from her job. That seemingly narrows your free time down to 47 weeks. That's still a lot of time for you.

Maybe she just really enjoys your company for a change without the job tensions. By your own admission, she is "willing to learn now...". That's far better than an opposing attitude. I think you should make the most of your time spent together. Show her that her needs are just as important as your's.

My 2 cents worth,

Babette
I would have to agree with Babette, you only get a little time together in the year, so enjoy being with her, and who knows maybe someday in the near future you two girls can go on a outting together, Hugs.

[Tina B.]

She only gets 5 weeks a year with you? Wow, what school system does she work for, everyone I know in that kind of work has weekends off, Christmas Vacations off, Spring Break.
I love my wife, I've always loved my wife, but 5 weeks, 24/7, no thank you, we are not jointed at the hip. During week three, I would find a reason to stay home, and if she pushed it, I would tell her, I need a couple hours, to take care of a personal item, and if that is not explanation enough, Would have to say, because you won't let me be myself, and I can't not be me for that long!
Tina B.


Love is two minds, that find commonalty with each other, not one mind that finds two bodies to share!

[TeresaL]

Five weeks is all she gets for the summer. There are more time-offs of course.

Good advice all. I'm hunkered down and waiting it out. Teresa will be waiting, and the sensation will be hightened when the time to dress finally comes around.

[Babeba]

Teresa,

I think it was about a month ago that your wife (who has known for 15 years) was very upset about you shaving your goatee but started to take some (beginning) steps towards starting to accept. She seems to have made a bit of progress in terms of being able to tolerate knowing you dress, but seemed very insecure about what it would lead to for you.

I have to tell you, sometimes acceptance is a long process and you have got to keep your eye on the prize (you both being happy and okay with the level of dressing). If you asked for dressing time now, your wife would probably interpret it as you spiralling out of control. I am not saying it would be true, but it would make her a little Freaked about the whole thing and probably set things back a bit. Just something to think about. Think of this as a chance to prove you are not negatively affected by the urge to dress.

[suchacutie]

It seems to me that this could be a win/win situation, but you have to take the initiative. I do hope that you are happy to spend time with your wife. After all, she is your wife. If you aren't happy about time with her, then maybe there are other issues?

Assuming you are happy being with her...BE with her. Make it completely clear that you are delighted to have her as your wife!!!

and have fun!

[sandra-leigh]

The last vacation my wife and I had together, we travelled, and we went everywhere together (except the bathroom). We were traveling with someone my wife doesn't want to let know about my dressing (specific to that person, not a general issue) and we had to try to keep that person amused, so we were always doing activities my wife came up with. My wife wasn't asking me about activity preferences, just picking something and off we went.

Well, by the end of three weeks, I was stir-crazy. Too much time together, no balance for doing my things. So on the last full day when she said for me to get ready for us to go out (without even telling me what she had in mind), I said I wasn't going with her, that I was going shopping by myself. She was Not Entirely Pleased, and "well if that's the way you feel, then you go right ahead" (or similar sentiments.) I needed the break, and we were somewhere I can't just go back to "anytime", so, Yes, off I went. And enjoyed myself.

When we rejoined for dinner, my wife had calmed down completely, and had had a good day with the other person, and had realized that actually she had needed the break from me too.

[anonymousinmaryland]

Be thankful for the attention.

[ronda]

Hi Teresa I think give your wife the time she wants with you my wife and i had a dadt for nine years i retired and dressed everyday then last May she went on disabilty and was home 24/7 if she went some where i toke her we were together 24/7 i would give anything to have that back i miss her dearly you never know how much time you have with each other get every second that you can with her. Hugs Ronda

[Annaliese2010]

Yes, I think it's certainly Fair to ask! For 2 weeks you've abstained and there's 3 whole weeks to go before her vacation ends. Well...in my opinion you've been very accommodating to her thus far and quite frankly it seems reasonable to me that she grant you a few hrs of alone time every few days for the rest of her vacation. By 'alone time' I take it you mean where you can express your feminine self, which includes how you dress yourself of course, in a private space in your house out of sight from her since she objects to hanging out with Teresa. Seems like you love your wife simply by your attitude. It would be great if she conceeds to your needs and gives you her permission. I hope she does, Teresa. Good luck. You have a very respecting attitude towards your wife. That's wonderful of you!

[TeresaL]

Teresa,

I think it was about a month ago that your wife (who has known for 15 years) was very upset about you shaving your goatee but started to take some (beginning) steps towards starting to accept. She seems to have made a bit of progress in terms of being able to tolerate knowing you dress, but seemed very insecure about what it would lead to for you.

I have to tell you, sometimes acceptance is a long process and you have got to keep your eye on the prize (you both being happy and okay with the level of dressing).

Yes, things have worked out quite well since the days of me worrying about the beard issue. Continued open talking has helped. We are in a good DADT relationship, with some boundaries set, which I do not want to break. She is willing to give warning, and not come home to surprise or catch me. Those things are important to me, and shows me that she is willing to give to the best of her ability, considering the strong evangelical background she was brought up in. Even that is changing, as we both are coming to agree that there is some element of brainwashing from that environment. But that is another subject. In all things, I am happy to be in the position that we have very recently found ourselves in. Here's hoping it will last, and be prosperous, or whatever Spock used to say. LOL