Negotiating with your SOs?

[Wildaboutheels]

Sorry if the N word offends some but that IS what it is isn't it?

My SO doesn't care one way or the other about my CDing as long as she gets enough time with her toys. And I feed her. Having a SO with 4 legs has it's pluses.

The rest of you folks. Rules and boundaries are obviously very important. How many of you put "agreements" down in WRITING? Or do most of you simply have verbal agreements? Do any of you have any type of agreement to "renegotiate" every 6 months or yearly or some other time frame?

I realize adults are not teenagers but many moons ago when I had teenagers, I found that putting "important stuff" down on paper [and having them sign it knowing exactly what was unacceptable] made life a whole lot simpler and eliminated almost all "argumentative" discussions. Of course I was the adult then so was "responsible" to a great extent for their behavior.

I have found that many adults too, can also forget past discussions and what was/wasn't said or talked about.

Just to be clear here, I am ONLY talking about SOs, and not family, friends or business associates.

[kimdl93]

we dont have any written, formal arrangements, but we do talk, often. And I try to stay tuned to her frequency so that she feels I'm paying attention to her needs, interests and issues if there are any. Fortunately, she's known since before we were engaged, so although I've changed, its been a matter of degree.

[Karren H]

Our rules are unwritten and simple... I don't talk about it... Show her... Bring it up... She doesn't want to know...... . And in return she doesn't divorce me and take all our money.... and the kids....

[sissystephanie]

My late wife knew that I was a CD before we married and accepted me "as is!" We did not put things down on paper because we had no need to do that! Our 2 children never knew that I was a CD until after my wife passed away. They knew then because I told them. They both accepted that, but do not want to see me dressed! That is fine with me!

[Rebeccarabbit]

We have an alternative Contract. We adjusted our wedding vowels to suit our lifestyle..........we do talk and discuss often passionately our mutual needs

[Lorileah]

nothing was ever written (which may have been a mistake legally on some things) either time. We had agreements that were verbal or implied.

(and that was mean what you wrote about toys...I went in a whoooooole new direction)\

[darla_g]

that is the only way I think a relationship works

[Babeba]

Crystal and I have good communication, and we have never written things down because for the grand part we are on the same page. I trust that if her needs change she will let me know. She trusts that if my needs change I will discuss it with her. It is important for us to keep in the spirit of co-operation, rather than lawyering it out between us, but I can see times when the clarification could be helpful.

[Kate Simmons]

Seems to me that if a couple has a true partnership and mutual respect for one another, there is no need of anything written down or any type of "contract".:)

[Laura912]

Would writing things down help those who get lost up in the pink fog and push the boundaries too much? For some, there seems to be a selective memory recall of what is and is not acceptable, at least based on the posts we see.

[Eryn]

Mimi and I talk things over. We decide which way we're going together. If another path suggests itself we talk about that. To us, that is the way a marriage partnership should be.

I suppose that others might need more concrete expressions of their boundaries, but to me the idea of "negotiation" involves two parties who are each vying for an advantage over the other. That's the sort of thing for which you need lawyers, not something that partners do.

[debbeelee1]

My SO is extremely supportive of my crossdressing (No honey, I don't need another bra!). We keep each other very, very happy!

[RADER]

Who can write or read: My wife knew about my dressing from our 3 RD date. For a long
time I did not dress much, Work, and just every day life held it down to maybe 1 evening
or Sunday a month. Now that I am retired, we have a lot of dressing time.
One fact I can not change, I do not have any way a lady like shape. Just to big, shoulders,
hands, legs, feet, (size 14 WWW in mens) you see what I am going through. She says I can do
what ever I want; Just do not embarrass her an any way. So I under dress as much as possible,
Wear a baby doll Nightie, Panties 24/7 A bra as much as possible, and fem jeans most of the time.
She is very OK with what I do, and so am I. I love her a whole Bunch.
Rader

[Kaz]

The only 'contract' I have is the wedding vows we took which was the standard fair of old... no legally binding one. I see my SO (wife, if we are still allowed to use the term) as an equal partner in all we do and have never thought of 'contracts' - for me it is about relationships and respecting each other's needs and wants. We have both let each other down at times and we have both created amazing joy... that is life. The old marriage vow 'for better or worse' is a good one! She is my best friend in the universe... and sometimes my worst nightmare! But I love her and that is is it.

And to build on a potentially trollish post earlier... if she says NO... tough. If I want to I will and so will she. That is called mutual respect for individual needs. As long as we don't damage each other and/or others... we are cool. She doesn't like my CDing but accepts that it is part of me. So she doesn't want to experience any aspect of it and when she does (e.g. bra in the tumble dryer), I get reminded... quite rightly! Now are these rules? I don't think so, they are negotiated boundaries I guess... sometimes when she finds something I kind of like it as it reminds her that this is part of me. She gets over it pretty quickly. I just respect her needs and wants whilst being assertive about mine and vice versa - we accommodate each other I guess... it is about mutual respect and dare I say it 'love'... not the mad passionate stuff, just the plain old - I don't want to be with anyone else... I thought she was amazing when I met her and I still do... and I have met many other women since!

[BobbieBrooks]

Seems to me that if a couple has a true partnership and mutual respect for one another, there is no need of anything written down or any type of "contract".:)

VERY WELL SAID KATE!!! Add in communication with each other and its a perfect life.

[PretzelGirl]

She is my best friend in the universe...

This is the way I view a marriage. Ww don't need written agreements. But I do think each marriage has natural boundaries. They may go unspoken, but we do things for our partners and these things just naturally evolve.

[ReineD]

I think that negotiations and boundaries are useful while each partner is on a different page, to ease the process of getting on the same page. In other words, a wife needs time to catch up to her husband, or he needs to get out of the pink fog (for example if he wants to have his hair done while dressed at the same salon that she and all their female friends go to). This is an exaggeration, but you get my drift.

But eventually, hopefully they will both agree on the frequency and degree of "outedness", given their other life priorities. If they don't, I can't imagine any boundary system that will please them both in the long term. Here are examples:

He wants to have sex fully dressed with forms, makeup, heels, etc, and this turns her off. Maybe eventually they can settle on just a short, satin negligee.

He wants to go out dressed in their neighborhood and she doesn't want to deal with the fallout. Maybe eventually they can settle on going out in the next town over (alone or together) where they will not risk running into people they know.

He wants to dress 5 nights per week and she thinks that one night is enough. Maybe they can compromise on three nights.

If he feels that she is doing her best to overcome her dislike of the CDing, and she feels that he is doing his best to be considerate of her feelings, they will both come to terms with the compromises.

But if they cannot mutually and genuinely compromise on any of it, then in my opinion the quality of their marriage will be affected. One of them will always feel cheated.

Personally, my SO and I agree on the degree of outedness. At the same time, it is one of HER priorities to achieve a balance and enjoy herself and himself in both modes. So we're always happy with the frequency.

[Cheryl T]

We have agreements on certain things, but nothing is in writing.
It doesn't have to be if you have a good and honest relationship. Putting something on paper doesn't make it any more real in this case. It's not like buying a house or something.
It's real because you say it is and that's what counts.

[Tina B.]

It's never been considered a big enough deal in our house to go to the bother of writing anything down. We don't have enough rules to make it worth wasting the paper. We both agree, with me being in the closet, and keeping it from family and friends, and that's pretty much the only rule we have!
Tina B.

[linda allen]

Seems to me that if a couple has a true partnership and mutual respect for one another, there is no need of anything written down or any type of "contract".:)

That is my feeling also.

[Marlana]

I have the same contract as Karen.

[SallyS]

My wife's too busy looking after me and the kids to worry about what I'm wearing:D

My CD'ing side was well known to her long before we got married. Back then she was a lot more 'involved' in it. Today she just lets me get on with it, without it being anything other than 'normal' behaviour from me:)

I think once all the kids are older we may do things together, just us two 'girls' again.

[Beverley Sims]

I can't write legibly so all negotiating is by word of mouth.
I say it! She does it and the same works in reverse, even more so I think.:)

[Jocelyn Quivers]

No written agreements, just simple respect and common sense, the same rules that go for our marriage.

[sometimes_miss]

Having a SO with 4 legs has it's pluses.
(This written with tongue in cheek)Hey, Wild, when you throw away her papers after she's used them, do you have to renegotiate all over again?

[jillleanne]

Sorry, we have no rules/negotiations ever. We accept each other as is for good and bad. If that ever changed, it would not be because of me. I will not accept any negotiations ever. Why would I want to? Makes being happy really easy.