Told my Mum

[Emily Barton]

So a while ago in this thread (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?175731-Progress-with-my-SO&highlight=) I mentioned that, amongst other things, I was thinking about telling my mum about my crossdressing.

Well, quite a lot has happened since then but to cut a longish story short, I told her about 5 or 6 days ago. For a while I'd had a letter written in Word which I kept reading through every few days, making a few changes and also trying to make sure I didn't have any doubts about sending it. Finally, when mine and my SO's exams finished I gave it one last read through and, unable to think of any good reason not to, I e-mailed it that night.

What's followed has been a series of e-mails back and forth, and for the most part I'm happy to say that my mum has been nothing but supportive. She says she feels overwhelmed and stunned by the news, and she also said she was hurt that I hadn't felt able to tell her sooner. I've done my best to explain my hesitance several times, that now is the first time I've really felt comfortable enough about myself to tell anyone, and I think (hope) she understands. She's had questions (How long has this been going on? How will this effect your relationship? Why tell me now?) and I've done my best to answer them as fully and as honestly as I can.

We've decided not to tell my dad or brother just yet as we're unsure how they would react. My mum has also requested that I take all my clothes out of hiding, so they'll actually be hanging up in my wardrobe at home when I leave uni (!!). My SO is from a foreign country and so our explanation of the clothes will be to say that they were hers, and we're looking after them because she was unable to fit them all in suitcases to take home with her on a plane. If anyone were to look at all closely they would see that they're not her style and also a couple of sizes too large (14 as opposed to 10/12), but I seriously doubt either my dad or brother would take any notice of that. I feel bad about putting her in a position where she has to lie to my dad, but I left it up to her whether we told him or not and she's currently unsure of how he would react.

As I'm writing this I'm still at university, but all my stuff is packed up and ready for me going home tomorrow. In my mum's most recent e-mail I've learned that she feels really out of her depth with this and is very worried about how this will affect our family life, so I have assured her that things will go on as normally as they can and will do my best to uphold that. I'm hoping that after a few days of me being at home and doing all the normal things that I do (darts with my brother, watching TV etc) she'll start to realise that this doesn't have to be a huge upheaval for any of us. We also have to work out logistics with washing/ironing the clothes without arousing suspicion, but I'm sure we'll figure it out.

I suspect the two of us will have a sit down at the first opportunity after I'm settled in back at home, which I'm nerovus about, but it should be good for the both of us. I really hope I've done the right thing by telling her, but only time will tell. At least now my clothes don't have to keep getting creased all folded up in a suitcase!

[Traci Elizabeth]

If your CD is not simply a short-term fetish, then I think you did the right thing especially if you plan on CD out in the open . But hiding it from your Dad may backfire on you.

[kimdl93]

i am so glad that you took the time to thoughtfully explain yourself to your mum, and that she responded in such a supportive and understanding manner.

[Jolene Robertson]

I'm glad your Mum understands at least you have a support system started. The rest will work it's way out I'm sure. Wishing you all the best.

[reb.femme]

H Emily,

First of all, congratulations if I may, on telling your mum. Big and bold move.

Mine would have been mortified had I ever told her. She bleached the toilet round after my son had used it. His cardinal sin? To confess that he was gay. He went from most popular grandson to public enemy number one in a moment.

I never forgave her, nor have I forgiven her for that. She is no longer on this Earth, but the feeling is still the same for me.

On a lighter note, I must confess to a smile whilst reading your recollection of the constant reading and finalising of your letter. :devil:
I did exactly the same before confessing to my wife, so I felt your anxiety. I think version three hundred and fifty was probably the one submitted. I swear it took longer than my Land Law thesis.

Hope it all turns out well with the family, you've already had a better start than I would have got from mine.

Rebecca x

[NathalieX66]

Congratulations, yay!
I think that's a stage I'm moving to next. I't pretty obvious to my parents because my hair his shoulder leghth, and I had my beard removed by laser and electrolysis, and I',m miuhc thinner because I run so much.

I am guy, I am girl...it is me.........That's the way it is.

Lasrt night ,I had a 45 minute discussion over the phone with a childhood friend, who is so accepting of this side of me, that I was in tears.

[Emily Barton]

Thanks for the kind words everyone. I'll keep you updated on how it progresses once I'm home.

reb.femme, I'm sorry to hear about your own situation and inability to confide in your parents. I'm lucky because I knew I could be fairly sure that my mum would be as understanding as she could based on experience. She's a very caring person, and whilst I feel somewhat guilty dumping this on her I know that I can count on her to work through this as best she can.

[Shannon C.]

Emily, Im so glad that your mom has been understanding through this and wants to support you. When I told my mom she had questions just as yours did. She was not like yours and felt that she could not hide anything from my dad. I was ok with that because I didn't want to cause any problems with their relationship. In the end both my parents are supportive and love me just the same as before. I struggled with telling my brother about myself for months before I got the courage to do it. He surprised me because in the past he was a very narrow minded person that would not have understood or accepted me, but after telling him his response was I don't care you're my brother and that will never chnage. I feel much better knowing that I have my family to support me with whatever I do.

I hope that your mom continues to support you and who you are and that in time maybe your brother and dad will get to meet Emily. Take it slow and let things develop naturally. Good luck!!

Shannon

[Cynthia Anne]

By your letter it's easy to see you're sincere! I think you did the right thing in telling your mom! Just move slowly and let mother stay comfortable and things should be fine! Best wishes!

[DonnaT]

Congratulations on telling you mom and her acceptance.

My mom has been accepting also.

[anonymousinmaryland]

Thank you for sharing a POSITIVE story. Glad for you.

[Annaliese2010]

I admire the your right minded perspective and the sensitivity with which you're handling all this. I'm sure your mum will deal with it in a most favorable way with res[ect to how & when to inform the rest of your family. Maybe it'll take some time, perhaps weeks or months or maybe even after you've returned to uni at the start of the next school year before she determines it is 'the right moment' to have a family meeting to discuss this with your dad & brother. Seems like she is very definitely supportive & loving so you might as just leave it to her better judgment. As they say "Mother knows best". You're quite an amazing person, seems to me. Best of luck, Emily and kind regards. -Annaliese

[Bras4Edie]

Wow, this struck a chord. All the best to you and your son!

[Emily Barton]

I admire the your right minded perspective and the sensitivity with which you're handling all this. I'm sure your mum will deal with it in a most favorable way with res[ect to how & when to inform the rest of your family. Maybe it'll take some time, perhaps weeks or months or maybe even after you've returned to uni at the start of the next school year before she determines it is 'the right moment' to have a family meeting to discuss this with your dad & brother. Seems like she is very definitely supportive & loving so you might as just leave it to her better judgment. As they say "Mother knows best". You're quite an amazing person, seems to me. Best of luck, Emily and kind regards. -Annaliese

Wow, thank you for your reassurance and kind words - I don't know quite what to say!

A small update from me: I arrived home yesterday and have been doing my best to act normally and I believe I have been succeeding. However, with my dad and brother around constantly I haven't had a chance to talk things out with my mum yet and I can see that it's getting to her. There are some other things weighing on her mind currently too, one of them being to do with my SO's parents, which really can't be helping. I managed to get her alone today just for a minute to ask if she was okay, and she responded "not really". I said I was sorry and asked if there was anything I could do, but she just told me that it wasn't my fault and we just need to find some time to talk.

Despite this I can't help but feel responsible for putting her under so much stress and I wish there were something I could do to help. My femme clothes are all still currently packed away and untouched and I think I will refrain from dressing at least until we manage to talk. It's a shame though because seeing my mum like this is really getting to me and dressing is something I would normally do to help myself feel better!

Here's hoping my next update can be something more upbeat...

[Annaliese2010]

Thank you Emily. I'm sorry both you and you're mum are experiencing such stress. Just know that you did the right thing (IMO) by informing her, and especially at so young an age. You seem to be such a sweet sensitive person, loving to your family, and they to you.

You are attending university, advancing yourself and securing your future. That's much more important at this point in your life. For it will equip you with the ways and means of becoming a self-supporting, autonomous individual after you graduate. You'll have achieved something that lasts a lifetime: a credential that will open doors of opportunity and afford you a greater degree of personal freedom, responsibility and life enhancement. That alone is something all parents are proud to see.

Your mum is from a different generation so it's no surprise how she is going through some stress. It's to be expected. Your parents are naturally out of touch with changes that have occured in social attitudes and a general tolerance that has evolved with respect to the accpetance of diverse, alternative lifestyles, as much as this is the case for your generation. They were brought up in a different time and naturally cling to what was considered normal and acceptable back then.

But it's obvious that you love your parents and they seem to be wonderful people in their own right. That's what's important. It may take awhile, maybe even a long while for them to come around and adjust their long held beliefs and assumptions regarding gender. It may be a slow process for them to learn about and appreciate the science and reality of one who is at birth transgendered. Your patience and emotional equilibrium may be upset for a time but a family like yours seems to be the kind where there is an essential love & caring in place. A bond that connects you each to all. If this bond is strong it will overcome the difficulties you and your mum are now facing and those that may have to be worked through in the months (and maybe years) ahead.

It may be hard on you for awhile but you seem to be the kind of girl who possesses an inner strength which will allow you both the patience to see your family through the upcoming period of adjustment and to stand proud and unwavering, true to yourself and your right to be who you are, going forward with a positive attitude and in full expectation of a happy life in the long years that lie ahead.