Will I ever stop questioning myself?

[Simply Joslyn]

No probably not, you see I really haven't been on here lately, and one of the main reasons why is that I wanted to do some soul searching, really thinking about who I am and who I want to be. And I'm going to be purely honest here, I considered speaking of all this on the crossdressers thread, and I mean absolutely no offense here, I simply see them as more joyous per say, they're all about compliments and niceness, on the other hand down here everyone seems so serious but also caring, and I understand that we've all been through alot but at the end of the night they all are able to take of the clothes and be absolutely fine with they're body and who they are as a male. The things I feel are farther away than what I feel, I don't necessarily hate my body, but I feel off with it. I don't like the reservations of being male, I don't want to be the heavy lifter, the sex craved maniac, I want to be able to feel beautiful without others hating me for it. I still find myself watching women wishing I could walk freely and undisturbed as one.
I ask myself even if my parents are ok with this now if it won't be the opposite when I have to wear womens clothes in whatever I do. I ask myself if I can handle the relationship aspect of it, I'm not gay, but when I see myself as a woman I begin to understand that I could be with a guy, although not so sexually. I believe myself to be asexual in fact, it doesn't matter to me what the outside shell is its the beautiful being inside that I want, even when it comes to women I don't see them as something purely sexually, I simply want a nice relationship.
I also question why I want all this, why do our minds have to be off from our bodies, why do I see the world like this, and whats the point in all of it. And most of all I question what my life would be like, when I wake up I'm depressed and angry because I don't have answers and I wish I could have been born female so I wouldn't have to have these big questions. I'm having trouble deciding to see a therapist because I'm not even sure of myself and what if this isn't something I can do, what do I tell my parents now, and will these thoughts ever stop if I don't do it.
You've all been so helpful so far and I'm simply looking for any responses I can get, even if its a simple:slap:. I just want someone to talk to and understand me as I understand them, so any of you that can tell me how you worked it all out or how your life is or anything I'm willing and really want to listen. I just need someone to talk to and help me figure out who I am. And I just want to thankyou all for your patient and understanding.
Simply,
Jos

[sandra-leigh]

When I started seeing my gender therapist, I didn't know what I was and I didn't know what I wanted to do. It is absolutely completely fine to go to a therapist and say, "I'm amazingly confused and I don't even know what I want!". You know how it is said that teaching is the best way to learn the material? Well, just so, telling someone what it is you are confused about is a great way to focus your thoughts and examine your feelings.

There has been a number of points over the years that had been nagging at me, worrying at me, matters that I hadn't been able to rid myself of, but by speaking aloud about them I was able to "let go" of them, free to move on.

[stacycoral]

Joslyn, girl i understand about wanting to be born a girl, and for some of us, taking off the clothes doesn't feel good, i love my family so i can only be me at times. I want you to know if you ever need someone to listen, i would be happy to, being young and pretty i wish i could have had this site to vist, in my younger years, I still dream of being a real girl, but know it is not in the cards for me, You take care of you, Hugs.

[April Lyn]

First of all it is very natural to have questions about all of this, I know I do, I have way more questions than I think ill ever be able to answer in one life time, But as Socrates says "the unexamined life is not worth living" and god knows we examine our lives every second of the day. Sometimes I get scared to death of it all too. I’m extremely shy and introverted, most likely due to being TS I think, and I sometimes wonder if I have the guts to transition and face the world, and other times I feel like Wonder Woman and want to tackle the world head on.
The hardest part for me has been that there is no burning bush, or absolute answer to any of it, I have just had to allow myself to feel the way I do, and finally not be afraid to admit it to myself, that is where I made the most progress, in admitting it to myself, then I was free to be myself. I would highly recommend a therapist too, finding someone whom you can trust and who can help you along the path has done me a world of good. The questions likely won’t ever stop, but you will become more comfortable in answering them as time goes by.

Most importantly, know that everything you are feeling is perfectly natural and shared by most of the people here, so you’re in a safe place with people who understand you for sure. Please feel free to PM m any time you like.

-April

[Rachel Renee]

Joslyn, I can completely understand how you are feeling right now. I, too, have been on a roller coaster, one minute feeling strong and confident and the next minute on the verge of tears, wondering what's wrong with me. It's a scary prospect feeling uncertain yet being consumed by thoughts of gender all waking moments of the day, wondering how to get through the rest of my life like this. It can also be emotionally exhausting. A therapist will help you think through all of this. Some things we can't handle all on our own, especially something this heavy. You might be surprised how good it feels to talk it out with an experienced guide that can help you peel back some of the trickier layers. But as April said, you need to allow yourself to feel what you feel and be who you are. Most times we are our own biggest impediment to progress but once we get out of our own way, that's when greater discoveries are made, clarity is gained, and things start to move forward.

[Pamela Kay]

I feel most of the same things you do Joslyn. I waited until I thought I was going to have a breakdown if I didn't talk to someone and started counselling for the first time in my life. I went in the hope that I would find out I was wrong and that it was something else that had caused my stress and depression all my life. But counselling only confirmed what I knew to be true in my heart. I'm a woman inside no matter what I am on the outside and I can't hide it or push it down and deny it any longer.

That was 8 months ago, now I've been on HRT for 5 months, have gone off of the anti-depressants I had been on for years, and am happy with who I am for the first time in my life. The other side is that my marriage of 25+ years is ending, I'm selling my dream home, and even though they have a great transgender policy I'm turning my worklife upside down. Even with all of this I know in my heart I am on the right track to the happiness that has eluded me all my life.

I still question myself regularly, is this really worth it all? The answer from my heart is always yes. The changes in my mind and body that have happened and continue to happen are freeing me to be myself. I'm not just existing to please everyone else and make them happy anymore.

I'm finally free to be me and to be happy with myself.

[sandra-leigh]

I still question myself regularly, is this really worth it all?

That's a question many many of us ask ourselves over and over again, as we contemplate the consequences towards our family, our relationships, our friends, our work, our social standing, our health. "Am I doing the right thing considering my overall situation?" haunts us, and the answer is never simple, and unpleasant things do usually happen in consequence.

[whowhatwhen]

I'll echo the thoughts on seeing a therapist who has experience with gender issues, IMO it's very important to find someone to confide in that you trust.
Just being able to talk aloud to someone I can trust about my thoughts and feelings has been a great relief and I wish I had started sooner.

I still have lots of confusing thoughts and periods of sadness related to it, but it's not as common or stressful now that I have an outlet.
I also keep a sort of log/diary which I write all related thoughts in which helps to release the negative energy required to keep it bottled up inside.

One of the best pieces advice I've received is that it's not a race, self discovery need not be rushed.
:)

[MC-lite]

I don't think I have to tell you that crossdressing and transitioning are two different animals. The reason that so many of us are so serious is that transitioning is serious business. It involves horomomes and medications which, if used incorrectly, can result in serious injury or death. Sometimes, newer people say things that strike a nerve, and we react as if we were slighted. If and when I do it, I certainly don't mean any harm by it; it's just that My life hasn't been joyous and light. My life has been filled with darkness and suffering, most of which I kept inside of me as I trudged through each day, waiting for death.

And I'm no different than a lot of Trans-people out there. Some of us have tried suicide. Some have succeeded. Many of us have emotional and psychological issues that will take a lifetime of therapy to overcome. Some may never overcome their issues. Some will never be happy, even after SRS.

So now you're probably wondering why I said all of that in my post. It's because in knowing all that, only a sane person would question themselves. Only a person with a good head on their shoulders would stop and say "Hey! Is this really Me?" "Is this what I really am?"

I spent almost 30 years as an engineer. My entire career was a treatise in thinking things through. Do research. Collect data. Look at the facts. Look within, but don't do too much introspection without a guide. (A therapist will do)

And -DON'T- pull the trigger on something like this unless you're -absolutely- positive that it's what you -need- to do.

For what it's worth...

:Miki.

[Bree-asaurus]

To keep it short:

Yes, the doubt will go away eventually. It takes time though.

What helps you figure out who you are and if transition is right for you is being yourself (assuming that is a female) more and more often. The more you are able to be yourself, the more you will dread having to go back and pretend to be someone your not. Eventually it will get to a point where you just can't go back anymore... you will open your eyes, realize who you are and will finally know what you need to do.

Just keep exploring. It's a horrible time, constantly doubting yourself, sometimes feeling like you know what you have to do and then other times thinking you can just keep on surviving doing what you've been doing for years. I am so glad I'm not in that phase of my life. But keep your head up, it will sort itself out and it will get better.

EDIT:

And try to stop thinking about "why me?" With current medicine and science, we just don't have proof why. There is evidence to suggest that it is because the hormones didn't kick in at the right time during pregnancy, but you know what? It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter why, it doesn't matter how. You are given what you've got and there's nothing you can do to change it. What matters is who you are and what you can do to make your life the best it can be.

[Bree-asaurus]

When I started seeing my gender therapist, I didn't know what I was and I didn't know what I wanted to do. It is absolutely completely fine to go to a therapist and say, "I'm amazingly confused and I don't even know what I want!". You know how it is said that teaching is the best way to learn the material? Well, just so, telling someone what it is you are confused about is a great way to focus your thoughts and examine your feelings.

There has been a number of points over the years that had been nagging at me, worrying at me, matters that I hadn't been able to rid myself of, but by speaking aloud about them I was able to "let go" of them, free to move on.

This is EXACTLY what therapists are for. You go in there, spew out all the crazy thoughts going through your head, be honest and go from there. The therapist is just there to help you put things together yourself. If you see a therapist and they pretty quickly start telling you things about yourself that you aren't sure of, find a new therapist.

I spent six months or so with my therapist going back and forth, trying to figure things out. I even went in there one day and said "I'm not transsexual." I didn't see him for a month or two and came back out of the blue and told him "yeah.... I'm a transsexual..." When I finally figured out who I was, I told him point blank who I was. I asked him a couple months after that "You never diagnosed me as transsexual, I just told you I was... do you think I'm transsexual?" And he told me that yes, he did think I was, but it's not his job to diagnose me... he had to let me figure it out for myself.

[sandra-leigh]

And try to stop thinking about "why me?" With current medicine and science, we just don't have proof why. There is evidence to suggest that it is because the hormones didn't kick in at the right time during pregnancy, but you know what? It doesn't matter.

There has also been an argument advanced that each cell might (at least under proper conditions) have the possibility of suppressing the X gene or the Y gene, that Y is not strictly dominant such as would be required for a completely uniform genetic "male" or "female". And that those groups of X-activated (female-like) cells can cluster as cells multiply, possibly forming female-type biological activity in places including in the brain. This hypothesis does not depend upon "hormone wash" (which could also be a factor): it just depends upon Y not always being dominant.

Studies do show at least 7 brain centers with evidence that gender can be independently determined for each of the centers.

The most consistent explanation for my body history is that I have a mix of gender areas in my brain.

[Simply Joslyn]

I absolutely understand what your all saying, cross dressers have there world and we have ours, I just worry alot that I'm thought of as simply a confused cder down here, and I am someone who needs others inputs, so it saddens me when I'm passed by by others.
And the why me is the inquisitive side of me, I'm always looking for the answers, some how some day I know every question will have an answer, so I like to understand others so maybe one day I can be one of the people that answers the questions. As for pulling the trigger, well I've done alot of thinking in my 20 years, mainly because I have insomnia and am not to talkative for the reason that I'm more interested in learning than missing what could be important all around me, essentially I know whats in my mind, I want to know whats in everyone else's, but I've come to the realization that this is something that I want to do, I've spent all my years depressed, unfocused, anxious, and with insomnia, and its driven me literally to the brink, I do think of suicide, but I suppose I'm unique in the fact that I can see no good reason to, sure the pain and thoughts would stop, but I have a family that would be distraught, and I've always said to myself what about tomorrow, if I'm not here I can't make the changes I've always wanted to, and I suppose the most important reason is I'm terrified of death, I'm agnostic so I have no idea what happens on the other side, and if thats simply the end, fade to blackness, then there is nothing but bad to come of it, so please don't worry for me, I've had alot worse times in my past and I got through ok and it would be a shame to waste it all like that. Even past all that I know if I'm really going to go through this I need someone to talk to, soon after seeing all your comments I made contact with a local therapist and am working out the details now. Thank you all for your input and I'd love to hear more

[Bree-asaurus]

That's awesome Joslyn. Seeing what others are going through can help you put things in perspective, but it is really all up to you to figure out who you are. A good therapist can help a great deal. I hope the one you got in contact with is one of the good ones and I wish you luck :)

[brenne]

Hi Joslyn & girls - I am glad to see you putting some thought and soul-searching about this whole thing.

Personally, I started CD for certain reasons, then my feelings about me and what I want change, and I wonder too about things - especially after reading "She's Not There" (Jennifer Finley Boylan) about Jennifer's trangender path & all.

Sounds like it's all part of the exploration process - "know thyself" and whatnot.

Thanks for reading this - hope it all works out for you.

BrendaB.

(looking forward to getting a more presentable avatar...)

[KellyJameson]

Joslyn you have the potential to be a gifted writer or possibly some other artistic expression and what ever happens related with gender I hope you are able to develop your gifts because they are greater than you realize.

It is difficult to live in this world because the desire to survive brings out the worst but sometimes the best in people.

Our ambitions threaten to turn us into monsters of every variety so a person such as yourself with your profound sensitivity and gentleness would be repulsed and disgusted by the world you are forced to live in and seeking escape from this ugliness is only natural when your spirit is such that you can not be like others.

Everywhere we turn people are trying to feel important and powerful at the expense of someone else. Parents having a bad day come home and beat or yell at innocent children who find smaller children to yell and beat on so the bully finds a victim and the victim becomes a bully by finding a victim.

Living in this sewer is difficult for those who want to swim in clean waters and the conclusions or expectations placed on people because of their biological sex brutalize
both men and women, we are literaly living in a constant state of warfare between men and women that is always being fought but this only hides the real war and that is the war each person fights within themselves but against others.

Everyone is trapped in their own mind looking for an escape, some turn toward addiction others toward hedonism and still others toward humanism but the common denominator is a running away from themselves and the "reality" they find themselves living.

When you discover how to have a relationship with yourself that is not dependant on anything external you will move toward freedom and when you are free all truths will be made known to you but there must be a bare minimum to support life before we can contemplate life and our place in it and for some this is prevented by the body they reside in so they become like the walking dead always waiting for life to start.

The prisons we build in our own minds to give ourselves the illusion of safety are what keep us ignorant of knowing truth so finding the courage to let go of illusion is the only way to discover truth.

I think you have gifts that will make it possible for you to do this if you keep your mind open to always learning.

It may not be your body you are "off with" but what people expect of you because of the body you reside in. Can you meet those social expectations comfortably in the body you reside in and still remain or become you?

Do not allow others to place expectations on you that harm your own sense of having value, do not use others through deception or be used by anothers deception but move toward self actualization and this is done partly by questioning yourself and questioning others. Place truth as your highest value and you will be led to the truth.

We are not broken, we are evolving.

[max]

but at the end of the night they all are able to take of the clothes and be absolutely fine with they're body and who they are as a male.

There are plenty of crossdressers who also have differing levels of gender issues.

[Simply Joslyn]

There are plenty of crossdressers who also have differing levels of gender issues.
But are they not comfortable as men, otherwise would they not be transgender? I see transgender as all those that have gender issues, and transexual more as those who wish to be the opposite sex and usually take steps to do so, but I may be incorrect in my assumption, and if this is true you have my apologies. I mean no offense to anyone, I simply don't always have the words to fully convey my mind.


Joslyn you have the potential to be a gifted writer or possibly some other artistic expression and what ever happens related with gender I hope you are able to develop your gifts because they are greater than you realize.

It is difficult to live in this world because the desire to survive brings out the worst but sometimes the best in people.

Our ambitions threaten to turn us into monsters of every variety so a person such as yourself with your profound sensitivity and gentleness would be repulsed and disgusted by the world you are forced to live in and seeking escape from this ugliness is only natural when your spirit is such that you can not be like others.

Everywhere we turn people are trying to feel important and powerful at the expense of someone else. Parents having a bad day come home and beat or yell at innocent children who find smaller children to yell and beat on so the bully finds a victim and the victim becomes a bully by finding a victim.

Living in this sewer is difficult for those who want to swim in clean waters and the conclusions or expectations placed on people because of their biological sex brutalize
both men and women, we are literaly living in a constant state of warfare between men and women that is always being fought but this only hides the real war and that is the war each person fights within themselves but against others.

Everyone is trapped in their own mind looking for an escape, some turn toward addiction others toward hedonism and still others toward humanism but the common denominator is a running away from themselves and the "reality" they find themselves living.

When you discover how to have a relationship with yourself that is not dependant on anything external you will move toward freedom and when you are free all truths will be made known to you but there must be a bare minimum to support life before we can contemplate life and our place in it and for some this is prevented by the body they reside in so they become like the walking dead always waiting for life to start.

The prisons we build in our own minds to give ourselves the illusion of safety are what keep us ignorant of knowing truth so finding the courage to let go of illusion is the only way to discover truth.

I think you have gifts that will make it possible for you to do this if you keep your mind open to always learning.

It may not be your body you are "off with" but what people expect of you because of the body you reside in. Can you meet those social expectations comfortably in the body you reside in and still remain or become you?

Do not allow others to place expectations on you that harm your own sense of having value, do not use others through deception or be used by anothers deception but move toward self actualization and this is done partly by questioning yourself and questioning others. Place truth as your highest value and you will be led to the truth.

We are not broken, we are evolving.
This post is one of the things I was really looking for and it gave me pause to think so for that Kelly I thank you. I'm not sure exactly how to respond to you yet, but I feel your right about the fact I don't feel off with my body, my body essentially doesn't bother me, its the restrictions, the clothing, the female spirit, that I cannot use that ultimately bothers me. Do I think I could continue to live as a male, most likely, will I be happy, I doubt it. Do I need this to live no, but do I want it to live life more completely and freely yes. Its like many things in life, do we need shelter to live, not really, but do we want it to live peacefully and more comfortably, yes. Do we need vehicles to live, no, but can with they're help can we not grow and expand across the world, absolutely. I think you see my point there. All I can really say is we all need to be happy, and whether or not this will be what allows me to be happy will be something I'll have to figure out, with a therapist atleast.

[AmandaM]

But are they not comfortable as men, otherwise would they not be transgender? I see transgender as all those that have gender issues, and transexual more as those who wish to be the opposite sex and usually take steps to do so, but I may be incorrect in my assumption, and if this is true you have my apologies. I mean no offense to anyone, I simply don't always have the words to fully convey my mind.


Don't worry about it. There are CDers, TS's, and those inbetween, like me, who have traits of both or who haven't figured it out yet.

[Aprilrain]

Don't worry about it. There are CDers, TS's, and those inbetween, like me, who have traits of both or who haven't figured it out yet.

If one can pull off "not worrying about it" then one is not at the place where one MUST do something about their transsexualism.
I know nothing of what motivates the CDer

[Anna M]

There are plenty of crossdressers who also have differing levels of gender issues.

This seems right to me; I suspect some people who label themselves as CD'ers are trans people who use CD to cope with their gender issues. Either because of denial, or because they are not in a place (socially, financially, or due to mental health) where they can begin the sometimes-grueling process of transition. I'm still not 100% sure whether I will transition - although the answer inches closer to "yes" every day - but I am reaching a point where, for my own mental health, I will need to start outing myself to close friends so I can ask them to stop gendering me with pronouns, etc. (Driven home by going to a party last night where no one pronouned me till the very end, and that "he" was like a slap in the face after all the pronouncements by one of the hosts about not assuming who people really are. *ugh* But I digress.)

Anyway, I have a long weekend coming up, and it will involve women's jeans and a utilikilt and making myself feel more "real" by wearing gender-neutral clothing and underdressing and wearing clear nail polish. :c9:

(Apologies for the slightly-OT ramble. I am a thinky-girl this weekend... :daydreaming: )

[whowhatwhen]

But are they not comfortable as men, otherwise would they not be transgender? I see transgender as all those that have gender issues, and transexual more as those who wish to be the opposite sex and usually take steps to do so, but I may be incorrect in my assumption, and if this is true you have my apologies. I mean no offense to anyone, I simply don't always have the words to fully convey my mind.


That's what I've seen from reading the CD section for a while now.
They know that they're men, happy being men, and while they may question themselves it's likely to come back to being a man.

That may be a bit of a generalization though, but I found it interesting.
:)

[geri]

joslyn,
i am similiar to you and your feelings. i am probably older than you are, however, these feelings never go away. they will fade but always return. i just wish i was many years younger so i could undergo SRS. it's not in the cards now but dressing and feeling feminime is all i have so i will make the best of the situation. thru my process, i have found out that i am bi and am trying to develop a relationship. my SO is not understanding and respectful of my lifestyle. i feel that's her loss because i am a loving and passionate person.
anyway, if you want to talk, you have my post. it may take a couple of days but i will respond.

hugs and xxx's,
geri danielle