Another one "discovered" by the missus..

[Deanna77]

..and Deanna joins the ranks of many others who should have been more forthcoming with their spouse than what they were. I've only dressed or even donned under-things once or twice in the past 4 months - not really giving it much thought. But the missus found herself with a free day at home on Monday, and to be nice decided to clean out our large, deep, crawl-in hall closet to get rid of some junk for a church yard sale. I came home and saw all of Deanna's things spread out upon the floor.

....

My wife knew I would on rare occasion don a bra or a pair of stockings or would put on a pair of Spanx just to show "it's not *that* bad", but this was entirely too much. I cried and apologized, and she said that she loves me, even in light of finding it - but she wanted it gone. So as she went out for a drive, I gathered Deanna's things, and out they went for trash pickup the next morning :sad:

We'll be going to see a counselor together next Friday - one that she'd seen once or twice by herself for stress-at-work mgmt, so I'm not sure what to expect. I'm a bit afraid of what to expect, actually - I know the lady has ties to some more "questionable" Charismatic Christian groups which scares me a bit, but we agreed that we could go to at least one session and if it doesn't work, try someone else perhaps.

She hasn't said anything about the one pair of panties & stockings she knew I'd had and would rarely wear in our dresser, but I'm thinking she's probably forgotten about them. Anyway, I appreciate any prayers, encouraging thoughts, etc anyone would care to send-up my way. We've been dealing with a lot of other stuff besides (ailing family member) and coming out/purging like this just adds another layer to things.

--A/D

[Sophia Claire]

:( I'm sorry to hear about that! It's never fun, coming out to your SO. And doubly so when her reaction is negative. I hope the counseling is good... I tend to stay away from faith-based counseling when possible. It's just too easy to get carried away in a fervor and say something you don't mean... My brother is extremely tolerant, and he does it sometimes. Nine times out of ten, it's something we agree on! I always go for secular counseling. It's more direct. Anyway, whatever happens with this counselor, don't let her try to tell you that God doesn't love you.

It's possible that this is just a shock reaction and that she'll calm down eventually. Don't worry, girl! One step at a time.

Hugs,
Sophia

[TeresaL]

This doesnt sound good, and I'm hoping you don't go through what I did. Avoid reparative therapy, it should be obsolete, but is an attempt to cure the patient. It does not work though, there is no cure.

The best therapy is to open up and talk with your wife.

[Eryn]

If you're going to see a counselor, I encourage you to see a counselor who specializes with gender issues. You really don't want to start off with one who might have strong biases against you.

[Jacqueline Winona]

So sorry to hear this, Deanna. My prayers and best hopes of a good outcome are with you. Take things slowly and just do your best from here on.

[SerenityQueen]

As a CD that only came out to his wife two years after being married, I was in a pretty similar situation.

Judging from your wife's reaction (please note judging from what I've read in your post), she thinks there is something wrong with you. I would suggest talking this out first before you even see a therapist. After my admittance, the wife tore into my cupboard and found all my things, but luckily she was a bit more understanding and just wanted an explanation. The fact I was hiding it from her, was a bigger issue to her than the fact that I was a crossdresser.

Communication is an integral part in any relationship. Talk to her. See what issues she has with the crossdressing and see if you can work to a point where there is a mutual understanding. In my opinion, most therapists are biased, as well as the fact that crossdressing in the DSM falls under transvestic fetishism/disorder. Meaning that most following the DSM will consider you mentally ill.

Hope it works out all good
Alexis

[ReineD]

I cried and apologized, and she said that she loves me, even in light of finding it - but she wanted it gone. So as she went out for a drive, I gathered Deanna's things, and out they went for trash pickup the next morning :sad:

Do you want to stop? If so, then you handled the situation well.

If not, then you made a mistake, but not one that can't be corrected. If you feel that you will continue to need to dress, the worse thing you can do is to agree with your wife that it should all be thrown out. This is telling her that you agree that you shouldn't be doing this, which is not your internal truth. So effectively, now the knowledge that "it is wrong and you feel that you should not be doing this" is reinforced in her mind, which will make it all the more difficult to tell her the truth later, when and if you begin to dress again.

Now is the time to come clean with your wife about your needs. This might help:

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?13841-How-to-tell-your-partner

[Ashley D.]

Hi Deanna,

The fact that she is still speaking to you is good.
But I'm with Sophia about faith-based counseling.
I'm a big fan of it but sadly too meny (people of faith) fall for the lies about us
Maybe see if she will see someone know

[joanna marie]

A lot depends on several things.
What were you apologizing for?
Crossdressing?,or keeping it from her?

Is the counseling to change you? or to help your wife understand and accept?
If the intent of going to counseling is based on the premiss that YOU need help.
Then there are not enough prayers out there for a good outcome.


Just remember that you have done nothing wrong.
In reality , your only crime is having kept something a secret from your wife and you don't need counseling for that.

As for faith-based counseling, Crossdressing is only referenced in in the old testament , Jesus never said a word about it.

[Stephanie47]

I'd stay away from the faith based counseling. From what I've seen and heard the first order of business is to try to convince you that you are engaging in sinful behavior and it is necessary to change. It is always interesting to me the initial reaction is "I love you, honey. HOWEVER, I want it gone!" That conveys to me both parties need counseling. Not to brand the cross dresser with a scarlet "CD" on the forehead, but, to exam the needs and expectations of both spouses. Cross dressing urges will not disappear. Yes, a cross dresser may be able to suppress the urge for awhile due to the shock of being discovered and the angst of the wife, but, what happens down the road? Will the cross dresser forever be tormented because he cannot be true to himself? Counseling is worthwhile if it explains to the wife what the husband is going through. It is worthwhile if the wife understands what cross dressing is and what it is not. Counseling is worthwhile if it establishes rules and expectations that both parties can observe and adhere to.

Frankly, if a wife find cross dressing to be so abhorrent that all the other qualities of the husband are wiped from the slate of marriage, then my advice is to bag it. Once that vision in the mind of the wife of the husband dressed as a woman, whether actually seen or not, is there, it is a game changer.

I hope your counseling is successful in that it leads to an accommodation of your needs and well as an understanding by your wife.

[Beverley Sims]

Religion does not really come into cross dressing.
If you think you need counseling then a gender based therapist is the best way to go.

[Trannygranny]

Forget about proffessional councellors who do it for money, The best people to consult and disucess your problems with are here on this site. Find a couple who have been through this disclosure and have come to a better understanding and discuss it with them.
There are plenty of tranvestite/crossdresser sites where couple have volunterred to help in such situations.
You will never be able to get her to understand what compels you to crossdress beause you don't know yourself nor do I nor do the councllors but you do know it is harmless and you are still a nice person and probalbly more loyal to her for understanding.
S

[Jolene Robertson]

My wife and I have had similar discussions and don't understand why some (most) women have such a problem with men cross-dressing. Women fought this fight years ago, why is it OK for a woman to wear a pair of jeans and a T-shirt when she wants and not OK for a man to wear what he wants.
Just Asking
As for counseling, I think you have to decide for your selves what will work. Do you need "fixing"? If not, then does your wife need to understand? I think you two need to have a discussion before counseling could be of any use.

Jolene

[Mollyanne]

As far as your wife forgetting about your "other items", I WOULDN'T BET ON IT!!!!! I'm sure you know a woman NEVER forgets!!!!!! NO NEGATIVITY INTENDED HERE, ITS JUST THE TRUTH!!!!!

Molly

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Deena, My wife said that see wished that all that stuff would just go away
I said that I'll take it with me when I leave at our age no one wants that.

[jillleanne]

..
She hasn't said anything about the one pair of panties & stockings she knew I'd had and would rarely wear in our dresser, but I'm thinking she's probably forgotten about them. Anyway, I appreciate any prayers, encouraging thoughts, etc anyone would care to send-up my way. We've been dealing with a lot of other stuff besides (ailing family member) and coming out/purging like this just adds another layer to things.

--A/D

Ok, so the lecture for you and everyone else:

RULE NUMBER ONE: IF anyone out there thinks they can live in a relationship with another person all their lives, without being 'outed ' they are kidding themselves. Sooner or later, it will bite you in the ass! Yes, someone will defy the rule, but very rare. This is just another example. SO, what to do? Well purging is NOT the answer, telling lies is not the answer, doing a better job of hiding doesn't work, so I guess the only thing to do is face the music, tell the truth and deal with it in a manner that hopefully allows you to live your life as the human being you really are. Who decides that? YOU DO! Suck it up and deal with it. You will thank yourself in the long run, regardless of how the short term ends up.

[Deanna77]

Thanks for the replies, all. As for the apology, it was mostly because that I had hidden something from her. The counseling is intended more for general marriage counseling, but CD'ing may be brought up. With today being Friday and the Mrs asking me what I'd like to do to relax and decompress tonight, I'm hoping we'll get a chance to just sit and talk for a while. She'd asked me a couple of "the usual" Q's, but we'd never really talked about "why" I had the desire to dress or the type of stress relief & and escapism it offered for me. I'd like to at least communicate that to her and remind her about the couple of things still in my drawer - just to be forthcoming.

Do I want the urges and desires gone? Like others have expressed wistfully in other threads on the topic, "Yeah, it'd be nice and would make things a lot easier." Wishful thinking, though. I just need to do some personal reflection on a lot of different levels. Being a Christian myself (one from usually more conservative circles) just adds another layer to the proverbial onion ;)

I'll try to keep anyone interested posted as I can (especially following next week's counseling session), and again I appreciate all the sentiments.

/hugs

[jillleanne]

Sounds like you have a level head on your shoulders Deanna. Good fo you. I'm hopeful you can work it all out for the good of the relationship.

[reb.femme]

Hi Deanna,

Firstly, really sorry that the proverbial has 'hit the fan' but at least the secrecy is gone, for better or for worse.

As peoples with a sort of 'common language' :heehee:, we seem to be so different in our approach to problems. I personally can never see the advantage of counselling, especially in light of the many warnings I see throughout these threads to be sure that the counsellor isn't biased. I thought that was the basic premise of the position? To be non-judgemental.

As a digital Brit, things are either black and white / on or off, so to add into the mix an unknown quantity is always to be avoided, preferring instead to deal with my own problems. However, I sincerely hope that you and your SO find a positive outcome. I was lucky when caught, you alas are experiencing a much harsher line.

As your SO was accepting of some items, I think the situation is analogous to the door being slightly ajar rather than slammed shut in your face. My thoughts are truly with you and heart felt best wishes in your efforts to find a resolution that suits you both!

Rebecca x

[Foxglove]

I cried and apologized, and she said that she loves me, even in light of finding it - but she wanted it gone. So as she went out for a drive, I gathered Deanna's things, and out they went for trash pickup the next morning :sad:


Hi, Deanna! My sympathies to you. I have to admit that this part of your post made me quite angry. Your wife needs to come to some sort of understanding as to why you dress. Otherwise, I fear things could be quite difficult for the two of you. For me, part of love is trying to understand the one you love. I sincerely hope the two of you can sort things out.

Best wishes, Annabelle

[Confetti]

I agree with Beverly... Perhaps the approach is not helping.

[reb.femme]

Who decides that? YOU DO! Suck it up and deal with it. You will thank yourself in the long run, regardless of how the short term ends up.

In a nutshell. Harsh but extremely true!
I just wanted to put my weight behind this answer because this really is it in my opinion.
No ifs, no buts.

Rebecca x

[ReineD]

As for the apology, it was mostly because that I had hidden something from her. The counseling is intended more for general marriage counseling, but CD'ing may be brought up.

I'm relieved to read this.

The divorce rate is high because partners do not know how to reconcile their various issues (no matter what they are). Good relationship skills do not always come naturally and they include how to handle situations where partners encounter situations where they each hold fundamentally different views. Each partner needs to learn that the other partner is not inherently "wrong" for holding different values. This is true for both a wife who realizes that her husband CDs, and the CD who realizes his wife does not approve. They each need to learn to listen to their partners' needs and wants, and find a way to compromise if these needs conflict with their own. So I do think it's a great idea to work on general relationship skills so that you and your wife can learn to "see" each other and acknowledge that you each have a valid point of view. If you can accomplish this, the rest is just a matter of negotiation. :)

[Silentpartner GG SO]

Sorry to hear that this has happened Deanna - just another example of how horribly wrong things can go when you dont come out in a controlled way - getting found out is almost always going to wrong foot you.

With regard to Annabelle's post - your wife may well have had a knee jerk reaction to finding your stash, feeling hurt, deceived and lied to - she possibly reacted by lashing out. Hopefully when things have calmed down and she's had time to come to terms with what she found and realises that nothing has really changed in you, she may be more amenable to at least discussing the CD'ing issue.


Hi, Deanna! My sympathies to you. I have to admit that this part of your post made me quite angry. Your wife needs to come to some sort of understanding as to why you dress. Otherwise, I fear things could be quite difficult for the two of you. For me, part of love is trying to understand the one you love. I sincerely hope the two of you can sort things out.

Best wishes, Annabelle

[~Joanne~]

Deanna, I wish you all the best. I wish I had something more to add that hasn't already been said but I don't. Hopefully you and your SO will find some common ground in all of this. Best of luck.

[Jacqueline Winona]

Deanna, what's done is done, now just keep focusing on the present and future. When you get the opportunity to talk more about it with her, just focus on her as much as you can. You know her better than anyone, don't pretend with her , don't hold back, and don't go in to counseling thinking you have to promise things you can't keep to make the marriage survive. Give her all your love in the interim.

[TeresaL]

Ok, tell the truth and deal with it in a manner that hopefully allows you to live your life as the human being you really are. Who decides that? YOU DO! Suck it up and deal with it. You will thank yourself in the long run, regardless of how the short term ends up.

Another vote for what Jillleane said. Wish I'd have done that 15 years ago, then I would have been set free and not floundered all those years. Hmmm. I've got some catching up to do. LOL