our daughter

[melinda45]

hi i dont know where else to post this and im sorry if i offend anyone . i dont mean to at all just need help with our 14 yr. old . she has slight aburgurgers syndrum . fyi . well she now thinks she is a boy and has cut her hair and binds whenever she goes out she is now home schooled and does not get out much at all .she will not talk to anyone at all about it . a little with her mom and me being step dad not at all . she and her mom have been here with me for 8 yrs. fyi . well now her mom thinks if i crossdress and make her call me mom she might talk to us about her feelings . i just at a loss . please let me know your thoughts . thanks a lot

[Nancy (PA)]

great idea...gto for it; if nothing else you'll have one more "knowing" person.

[Tracii G]

Tell her you're OK with how she feels about her gender identity and that you understand completely.
That may open the door to discussion about you as well and possibly a personal bond between you two.
Not sure I am on board with your wife wanting her to call you Mom if you were to dress enfemme that seems kinda flaky.

[melinda45]

yes the mom thing was just tere because she wants us to call her matt not mattie

[Joann Smith]

hi i have been a closet dresser for yrs. only my wife knows .my step daughter now at 14 thinks she is a boy and binds when she goes out . she wont talk to us much about it she is slight asbergers to. as step dad she will not talk at all to me . wife now wants me to dress in front of her and make her call me mom now to kind of calling her bluff. so to speak . just trying to get her to open up . theropy and stuff has not helped at all . what do you all think ??? i posted in transmen section too thanks very much just need help

Maybe it just me ..But i think its a horrable idea ...its like you moking her not cool ....To me it seems that when a kid can tell that someone loves them unconditionally they tend to open up...trick is convincing them that your love is truly unconditional.....and calling her bluff seem to be going in the wrong direction..

IMHO

[melinda45]

thanks for your input !

[RADER]

I do not think the shock of seeing you dressed would open her up to talking.
I would recommend what Tracii G said. at least try it first.
Rader

[melinda45]

yes . i am at wits end on what to do . docs theropy every thing . shock is all i can think of .

[busker]

hi i have been a closet dresser for yrs. only my wife knows .my step daughter now at 14 thinks she is a boy and binds when she goes out . she wont talk to us much about it she is slight asbergers to. as step dad she will not talk at all to me . wife now wants me to dress in front of her and make her call me mom now to kind of calling her bluff. so to speak . just trying to get her to open up . theropy and stuff has not helped at all . what do you all think ??? i posted in transmen section too thanks very much just need help

well there are obviously several problems going on and you dressing is just likely to complicate matters even more. If she is confused about her own identity, then seeing you dressed may push her even further away. If she isn't talking to you, I assume that is because you are her step dad, and not for any other reason. so you have a major barrier to cross and dressing just adds one more obstacle. If she feels she is male, then you would want to try to talk to her as a male and get her to be your "buddy". females are not her world, so it would seem. She needs to call you DAD, and learn to trust you. the love will follow.

[Jilmac]

At age 14 she still may have much apprehension as to her own gender identity and could probably use all the support she can get. I'm not sure about calling you "mom" just yet, but dressing and showing her that it's ok to be yourself no matter what others think, might be an ice breaker between you and your step daughter. If it were me, I'd start by showing pictures of myself dressed and if she warmed up to that, I'd ask her if she was ok with seeing me en femme, if the answer is yes then that's the first step toward communication. Good luck with whichever endeavor you choose.

[melinda45]

thank you for your opinion

[5150 Girl]

Yea, I to think letting her know she's "in good company" a goos way to loosen her up.
AS for the call me "Mommy", some of my steps somtimes call me Maddy... A hybrid of mommy and daddy

[Nikki A.]

In my opinion I think its a bad idea. She needs some stability not something to further rock her world. Be there for her and try to open a line of communication. Now if talking to her and it comes up, I might say that you kind of understand but to come out may be counterproductive.
14 year olds are the toughest to deal with because there is so much going on with them.

[April_Ligeia]

I have a fourteen year old son, who does not have Asperger's. I can only imagine, I think all bets are off, do what you need to do for your family. I honestly hope it works.

[melinda45]

you must know some about aspergers thanks

[mistunderstood]

Best thing you can do is just be there. Let her or him know you care and will listen to what ever they would say to you. Try to listen and make no judgement on anything that is said. They will test you. Do not make them do anything it will lead to hurt feelings. Give it time this could be a phase but then again it could be a real thing for them. I knew I was meant to be male from early age. If talking doe's not work you might need to try a counselor brought in on this. If you do cross dress talk with them about why you do as long as it is appropriate for there age. Tell the truth to because kids know when you lie to them. Let them know you love them no matter who they are.

[lingerieLiz]

I would strongly suggest you not do it. You need some professional help with this. Talk to a counselor about letting your daughter know. Remember once done you can't back up. She may be too fragile to take the shock

I don't understand if she wants to be a boy why knowing you dress would help her. Telling her you understand and will love her would make more sense.

[melinda45]

im reading all and thanks it is about making her feel less alone .

[April_Ligeia]

Yes, I am a nurse in the 'real' world and i don' t think some posters here understand what your daughter, and, therefore you, deal with as an everyday reality. Her responses and the overall dynamic in the home are not the same as with a child who does not have Asperger's. The family dynamic really needs to be dealt with on its own terms, generic advice will not help.

[Jorja]

My 2 cents for what it is worth. Simply tell her/him you understand and no matter what, you still love and support her/him. You might ask if there is anything you can do to make life better.

[ReineD]

I love Tracii G's answer. If your daughter (son) doesn't call you mom now, it will seem fake to have her do this just because she binds her breasts. She'll feel manipulated.

I wouldn't recommend "shock value".

You can tell her about yourself, tell her how long you've been doing this, talk about your own feelings (age appropriately), and then say that if she wants to talk to you both (you and your wife) about anything, you will listen and not judge. And I would also ask her if she wants to see you dressed rather than assume this is what she (he) wants.

I once saw a video about a very young M2F TS (about 8-9 years old) who knew from an early age that she loved to dress like a girl and play with girl toys. Luckily her parents supported her expression and her room was filled with girl toys, all kinds of princess costumes, in short, she was not constrained in the least with her gender presentation. When the interviewer asked if he (she) was a boy or a girl, the child said that he (she) didn't know, she was still figuring it out, and she wasn't prepared to talk about it just then ... which the interviewer respected.

I'm relating this story because your daughter (son) may not have all the answers and she (he) is presenting in a way that feels good to him (her) without thinking about it too deeply. So, please, no pushing or changing anything, just let her know who you are so that she will know that she will not be judged.

And then just enjoy his (her) company!

:hugs:

[melinda45]

thank you counselers and stuff has not worked she will not talk to them we are at wits end . its a big risk to talk to her about my crossdressing . just thought is we used it as a tool to open a door . trufuly just want her to be happy ! now she is deprest and alone . not good

[busker]

im reading all and thanks it is about making her feel less alone .
I saw a program on transgender children in australia on youtube
but now can't find it. Try this site in US for some info if you think it might help
http://www.transkidspurplerainbow.org/

[melinda45]

thank you all !!!! its a great help

[Badtranny]

Melinda, your step daughter is experiencing some serious gender issues. Girls don't just bind their breasts and demand to be called Matt because of the MTV.

She has no idea you're a CD so I can promise you that just showing up one day in a dress will do nothing but alienate her/him. You need to sit down with your wife and Matt and explain your own gender issues and how you feel about it and how you basically support him no matter what. I really don't like the way CIS people tend to minimize gender confusion as if it were somehow about cross dressing. Believe me it is not. He doesn't give a damn about the clothes other than he wants people to respond to him as if he were a dude. Trans people don't want to live secret lives, he wants to be recognized for who he is. Please don't confuse this with your cross dressing issues.

[giuseppina]

... wife now wants me to dress in front of her and make her call me mom now to kind of calling her bluff.

Not a good idea. It might push your child over the edge and drive a big wedge between your child, you, and your wife. This can be a very sensitive issue.


. theropy and stuff has not helped at all ...

Why not? Was it the wrong counsellor? Did your child feel judged? A competent therapist, regardless of qualifications, recognises that s/he cannot work with everyone due to personality clashes or other reasons. I've run into this issue myself. The only solution is finding another counsellor. It sounds like someone qualified in gender issues would be a good idea.

Divorce and remarriage is a significant blow to a child. Both my parents were teachers, and children of divorce usually lost a year because they are too upset to concentrate on their schoolwork. Some act out, and some become reclusive.

I don't know your child, and this is purely speculation on my part, but perhaps the breast binding is an indicator that there is a underlying problem that is not necessarily gender-related. Children sometimes do some strange things when they are hurting and trying to attract attention that they have a problem.

I'm wondering if a pediatric psychiatrist can help here. A referral from your family doctor or pediatrician may be required to obtain an appointment.

Getting to the root of this issue is likely to take some time. I wish you well in getting things resolved.

[yvonne10]

hi i have been a closet dresser for yrs. only my wife knows .my step daughter now at 14 thinks she is a boy and binds when she goes out . she wont talk to us much about it she is slight asbergers to. as step dad she will not talk at all to me . wife now wants me to dress in front of her and make her call me mom now to kind of calling her bluff. so to speak . just trying to get her to open up . theropy and stuff has not helped at all . what do you all think ??? i posted in transmen section too thanks very much just need help

you should tell her first and let her decide when she wants to see you dressed it might just be too much for her to handle if you just appear as your other self

[noeleena]

Hi,

Before you do any thing at all . ill ask a ? or two . there seems to be some barries between you & daughter, do you know what they are as that will help matters far better in understanding whats going on in your daughters mind . yes im aware of the other detail that to could be a part of the detail .

At 14 how does she fit in at school are there school problems what about mates friends & going out with friends .

If you do have to do the dressing act i would not i would think about if you must show her some of your clothes & say do you like them what do you think of them , would you be bothered if i wore them,= along those lines o thinking.

DONT ...push her in to a corner, if you do do the clothes detail make it fun, push her you lose her.

Will she sit down with your wife & you & just have a friendly chat like the weather or hows school you know get to know how she feels about things or she may have other issues that are hidden very deep. try thinking as she is .
You may just have a open window here dont smash the glass as you try to get in,

...noeleena...

[DonnaT]

Do you use the term 'son' when talking to him? Pronouns are as important to hear as nouns.
Hopefully it will help him realize you understand, more than just telling him you understand. (Hey son (not Hey Matt), want to go . . . )

He's at the age of not talking about his feelings, even if being trans was not a part of the equation.

Get him involved with guy things, if possible, and if you also do guy things. Working on your car, ballgames, etc.

And yes, tell him you are also trans in a way. Tell him you know what he is going through is a lot different than you being a CD. You can show him, if he asks to see, otherwise it is just something else he'll be confused about.

[Brenda79135]

I don't think that telling her that you crossdress is the best thing. She has withdrawn into herself and is trying to find out who she is. If she is wanting to present herself as a boy, male bonding is what she is looking for, not more of the female bonding. Treat her as you would a 14 year old boy. Have him help change the oil in the car/truck. Let him get dirty. Start teaching him the things he needs to know to be a man. This will create a bond between you and him that will seem more natural as father and son. She/He may change in the middle of this but it is a path to get her/him to open up as she learns to deal with life as a boy. Trust is not something that is given, it has to be earned and right now she/he trusts nothing outside of her/his mental world.

[ReineD]

Do you use the term 'son' when talking to him?

That's a good point. Have you asked Matt what pronouns should be used to refer to Matt?

[Babeba]

I have worked with a couple of people who have asperger's, dated another, and am a bit familiar with it in younger people because I work with kids. However, I'm not a trained psychologist, and I do know that it tends to present differently in genetic males than in genetic females so take this with a grain of salt!

I think it would be better if you focused on your child rather than yourself in the current moment. Many people with asperger's tend to not have huge amounts of empathy, and so having another person with a different issue with their gender trying to say, 'you'll get through this,' may not be helpful. Matt may see it as a rejection of maleness in general, or that even adults don't have this stuff all sorted yet - and so what hope does ze have to sort it out? Depressing (potentially).

Is there a homeschool association where you live (that isn't overrun with religious households?) what about activity groups run at the YMCA or the local community center? What about getting Matt out of the house with some interesting physical activities that match other interests? If Matt has an interest in history or Internet role playing games, maybe archery would be awesome. Sometimes meeting different people helps, sometimes it is horribly awkward for people with asperger's.

If I were you I would make sure that Matt knows how valued ze is, and that it doesn't matter to either you or your wife what gender eventually Matt settles on. I would also suggest that a good binder would really be a great investment - faster and more efficient than an Ace bandage, with less of a chance of damaging ligaments. Buying a binder might be a better way to show support than bringing up cross dressing.

[mistunderstood]

Try not to use ace bandages they can hurt and damage skin and the rib cage. If you need info there is a great web site ftmguide.org They have all kinds of great info on every thing you and Matt needs to know about passing and dressing male. I use this site a lot when I have questions or looking for resources. Let me know if there is any questions you might have. Just PM me And I will answer soon as I can.
I knew I was not a girl from about 5-6 years old and I knew I was not just a tom boy either. When I hit puberty that was pure H@ll for me.
Hope the web site helps. Maybe later more of the guys will be on and answer to.

[melinda45]

thank you all for your time and kind words !!

[Babeba]

Please do keep us posted! :)

[Tracii G]

If he wants to be called Matt then respect that and call him Matt.
If he wants to be involved in doing guy things then by all means show him.Fishing ,hunting,car repairs,sports whatever.
14 is an awkward age and to have all this going on too has to be hard to handle but support, love and acceptance should help as well.
Is there any things that he has an intense interest in that you can build on and maybe share?
All I know about AS is kids tend to lock into one interest and thats all they want to do or talk about.

[Stephenie S]

hi i dont know where else to post this and im sorry if i offend anyone . i dont mean to at all just need help with our 14 yr. old . she has slight aburgurgers syndrum . fyi . well she now thinks she is a boy and has cut her hair and binds whenever she goes out she is now home schooled and does not get out much at all .she will not talk to anyone at all about it . a little with her mom and me being step dad not at all . she and her mom have been here with me for 8 yrs. fyi . well now her mom thinks if i crossdress and make her call me mom she might talk to us about her feelings . i just at a loss . please let me know your thoughts . thanks a lot

I see a couple of problems here.

Your daughter: She has every right to determine her own gender. Leave her alone or offer her help. Please don't try to help her get over her delusion. She's not deluded.

Talking: I dunno. It's hard to talk with teenagers anyway. But most of them get over it eventually. This may just be a perfectly normal fact of life.

Crossdressing: This is the silliest excuse I have ever heard for crossdressing. If you want to crossdress, go ahead. But don't try and blame it on your daughter (or new son).

S

[Stephenie S]

Melinda, your step daughter is experiencing some serious gender issues. Girls don't just bind their breasts and demand to be called Matt because of the MTV.

She has no idea you're a CD so I can promise you that just showing up one day in a dress will do nothing but alienate her/him. You need to sit down with your wife and Matt and explain your own gender issues and how you feel about it and how you basically support him no matter what. I really don't like the way CIS people tend to minimize gender confusion as if it were somehow about cross dressing. Believe me it is not. He doesn't give a damn about the clothes other than he wants people to respond to him as if he were a dude. Trans people don't want to live secret lives, he wants to be recognized for who he is. Please don't confuse this with your cross dressing issues.

Well said, Badtranny.

[Badtranny]

Well said, Badtranny.

Careful, people who publicly agree with me tend to disappear. Best to do what the others do and keep it to PM's. ;-)

[Stephenie S]

OMG, something ELSE to worry about! (grin)

[mistunderstood]

Please no chit chatting. This area is not the proper place for that. There is the lounge for chit chatting.

[melinda45]

I was not trying to offend anyone and this is not about me !!! just trying to get info. and helpfull advice .

[mistunderstood]

Melinda we understand. Sometimes some people on the forum get distracted and post thing that do not belong in a thread. You are perfectly fine asking questions here. we will try and help you as much as we can. When people ask questions here I try to be as honest as I can. Sometimes when people ask questions it helps me as much as it helps the person asking. Please do not let people chase you away because they get a little off topic.

[Nicole Erin]

Well one with the "asperger's syndrome, please realize that doctors/therapists have been pinning that label (as well as ADD and autism) on as many kids as they can for about 20 years now. It is just their latest tactic to try to get people to spend money on worthless meds...
The whole ADD/Asperger's/autism has nothing to do with GID.

Also with her wanting to talk about her GID issues, it might work but remember that most people do not get along with step-family as well as they do blood relatives. So it isn't just you having that problem.

[Felix]

Hya Felix here and just want to say this is just my humble opinion about things. I have worked with and mix with people every day who are autistic have asburgers adhd and other such syndromes. They do have a different spec on things. I think the fact that your child has cut their hair, is binding and fully dressing and wants to be called Matt, they are making a clear statement about how they feel about themselves at this present moment in time and this may not change. I am not a cis male I'm a Transsexual male and my gf Helen is a transsexual female. We support trans peeps in our community and run a support group and are currently looking into starting a support group for those younger trans peeps who are under 18.

Helen was never formerly diagnosed as aspurgers as a child but she has done many on line official tests which have indicated that she is aspurgers. Lol I would definitely say she is.

I agree with those who have said that be there listen and support say you will support what your child wants but be very cautious and gentle if you do think its appropriate to tell your child about yourself, it may or may not blow their heads apart. I would handle it with kid gloves. Helens son who has moved in with us after a lot of time away from Helen we suspect he has gone undiagnosed as a child with some form of autism. So as you can imagine I live work and breathe this sort of thing. Also and to some degree we understand as Helens son has cross dressed since about the age of 4 and he still does occasionally he knows we support him and we don't stress out about it we just let him get on with it and help him where we can. Hope this helps .....Felix :)

[melinda45]

thank ! we are allways looking for new points of view .

[TxKimberly]

Maybe it just me ..But i think its a horrable idea ...its like you moking her not cool ....To me it seems that when a kid can tell that someone loves them unconditionally they tend to open up...trick is convincing them that your love is truly unconditional.....and calling her bluff seem to be going in the wrong direction..

IMHO

No, it's not just you, because I agree with you. The way you get her to talk is by letting her know that you care about her and making her feel safe in speaking to you. Even at that, there are no guarantees when it comes to trying to get a teenager to talk you.