Thinking about it all again!

[Ayaka.N]

Well after my first burst of enthusiasm (and a little self pity!) I had myself one or two of those phases where I was pretty sure I could totally definitely just be a dude. But as I'm sure by now is perfectly normal the questions eat at me and here I am again.

Really what keeps pulling my back to my male side is my attraction to women. As a result I sometimes get some pretty interesting cognitive dissonance though. It's humourously confusing to feel physical attraction to a girl because of the way she looks in an outfit but also kinda want that outfit for yourself :P

I had a pretty nice evening today, for once I decided to just dress, forget the makeup, just put on something pretty for a few hours, and for some reason I looked in the mirror with my wig on and I felt kinda pretty, even with the 5 O'clock shadow creeping in. I had also today made some forms with dry rice and pantyhose, so now I literally had a weight on my chest to match my emotional one! But it definitely felt more right than wrong, it definitely felt good in a way.

So here I am considering walking the path all over again, I figure it's a little silly to worry about society because.. well "haters gonna hate" no matter what, really!
What I'm more worried about is losing myself. While I do long to be a girl, I have no qualms with how I am as a man as I have never tried to be the manly man. But I read all these stories of people throwing their pasts away and such once they make the change and start HRT. Really, what I want to ask is how big is that hormonal behavioural change? If I could be myself as I am but a girl, that'd be cool, if it's going to change me as a person, perhaps not so cool?
I'm also slightly concerned about starting as the country I currently reside in generally does not believe in therapy. From what I've read on blogs from here, starting is as easy as going to the doctor and asking for the pills. And from what I've read on English language sites, this is potentially dangerous :S

[Inna]

Hi Hon, I have a feeling that when I am reading your post I feel as though a girl wrote it, I donno, it's just a feeling I have.

One factors separate initial understanding of who you are, and it is, weather you were born with brain wiring and cognitive functionality, that of a woman, or that of a man. Chances are that if you dwell on subject at hand and yearn sometimes to feel like a woman and would love the world around you to see you as one, then chance of your brain being female is pretty high though, not entirely given.

Another big factor is sex hormones which circulate within you bady and therefore brain, and even though you could have a female brain, the strong and poisonous effects of Testosterone will dull all your sensuality and bring on the characteristic of a male, however, if such discourse exists, you will feel as though confused, uneasy, and clarity will be illusive.

The only way to chase after truth without therapy is to reduce T levels so that your brain may start functioning without sexual tendencies and instead, become more aware of sensuality within. That could be handled by a physician such as endocrinologist who can monitor the levels and make sure you will be safe.

Therapy is a base, but I understand that if such is not available in your country then you must do what is next possibility to get to the core and start living in harmony and peace with your heart and soul!

All my love, Inna

[Kirsty_D]

As a teenager the most confusing and troubling thing to me was my desire to be a girl but I'm also sexually attracted to girls, and yes, many time I said to my self I'd love to know her better and I'd also love her outfit/shoes etc… for myself. I prayed and prayed I was just a 'normal' gay guy as it seemed so much easier to explain to family/friends etc… than being this freak who so desired to be feminine but also longed for feminine company.

[sandra-leigh]

Really what keeps pulling my back to my male side is my attraction to women.

A lot of the transgendered and transsexuals here are attracted to women. Not all, but a lot. My impression is that it is the majority, but maybe not. Not uncommon, certainly. That attraction changes over time for some people and not for others.

The connection between gender and sexual orientation is often a point of interest here in the forum, but it is seldom a matter of judgement. The biggest exception to that is the MTF who are in a relationship with a woman and "sneak around" to experiment with a male, even to "try it" to see if they like it: those people Hear About It.

However! There are health services which are rather mule-headed in their ideas of who is "really" transsexual or not. There are places where it is difficult or impossible to even get MTF hormones unless you "always knew" you were female, and have "always" been attracted to males. Because everyone knows that "real woman" are only attracted to men. I regret to say that the largest trans institution in Canada is run by doctors who have the (published!) theory that it is not possible to be simultaneously MFT transsexual and attracted to women, that if you are attracted to women and you "think" that you are transsexual, that really you are suffering from a sexual fetish (attracted to the image of yourself as female) that you need to be cured of.



What I'm more worried about is losing myself. While I do long to be a girl, I have no qualms with how I am as a man as I have never tried to be the manly man. But I read all these stories of people throwing their pasts away and such once they make the change and start HRT. Really, what I want to ask is how big is that hormonal behavioural change?

The only hormonal behavior change that I have had is to lose tons of gender anxiety, to calm down, cope with the world better, and be happier. Oh yes, and I gave more contemplation to changing my name. Other people can encounter fairly large behavior changes, and it is difficult to predict whom will encounter what.

My situation is consistent with my issues being driven much more by biochemistry than by psychology. This happens with a portion of trans people, and the medical recommendation for my situation is HRT but not necessarily SRS.

I haven't really changed much, not that I have noticed. A bit more outgoing. A feeling of "fitting" better. An attitude of "Yah, so I'm trans? So what?". I am perhaps being unrealistic, but I feel like everything will work out OK, that the people I encounter will adjust without much difficulty.

[Marleena]

However! There are health services which are rather mule-headed in their ideas of who is "really" transsexual or not. There are places where it is difficult or impossible to even get MTF hormones unless you "always knew" you were female, and have "always" been attracted to males. Because everyone knows that "real woman" are only attracted to men. I regret to say that the largest trans institution in Canada is run by doctors who have the (published!) theory that it is not possible to be simultaneously MFT transsexual and attracted to women, that if you are attracted to women and you "think" that you are transsexual, that really you are suffering from a sexual fetish (attracted to the image of yourself as female) that you need to be cured of.


Wow Sandra I thought our trans healthcare services were top notch here. Their criteria sounds just wrong.

[sandra-leigh]

Wow Sandra I thought our trans healthcare services were top notch here. Their criteria sounds just wrong.

Zucker runs the Clarke :(

See "Most gender patients lie (http://www.genderpsychology.org/psychology/dsm_v_workgroup.html)."

[Kristy_K]

I also used to think for many years thought because I didn't like guys that I could not be a woman successfully.

Wow.... I was really wrong about that one plus many other things.

[Marleena]

Zucker runs the Clarke :(

See "Most gender patients lie (http://www.genderpsychology.org/psychology/dsm_v_workgroup.html)."

Thanks Sandra I'll look that one up.

[Aprilrain]

as others have said sexual orientation and gender identity are separate issues.

[sandra-leigh]

I should perhaps add that in the trans klinic I go to, they have never ever been concerned about me being attracted to women. Their only concern about my sexual orientation is about being healthy, and about whether concern over it is causing me anguish. If, next appointment, I were to tell them that I'd been thinking about having sex with men, likely their reaction would be, "Ah. Well, be sure to visit our Safe Sex Clinic."

In my assessment session, I was firm that I was not someone who had felt like a woman from childhood, and that I didn't happen to be attracted to men, and that if I had to "follow the script" to get hormones, then I would rather not have them. Because being true to myself was too important to me. The clinic people had no problem accepting me.

But, I do read from other members here how much struggle they had to go through in some other locations. Pockets of the USA. Multi-year waits not uncommon in the UK.

Sorry, Akaya, I do not recall seeing which region you are in. Some places are great and sexual orientation will be a complete non-issue. Others.... well, :eek:

[Stephenie S]

Uh, let's see. You think you have to be a dude because you are only attracted to girls?

OMG, that is SUCH a dudely thing to say.

May I inform you that I am very much a woman and I am VERY attracted to other women.

S

[ReineD]

What I'm more worried about is losing myself. While I do long to be a girl, I have no qualms with how I am as a man as I have never tried to be the manly man. But I read all these stories of people throwing their pasts away and such once they make the change and start HRT.

Have you considered talking to a gender therapist? There is a difference between wanting to be a girl, and feeling as if you are a girl in the wrong body.



Really, what I want to ask is how big is that hormonal behavioural change? If I could be myself as I am but a girl, that'd be cool, if it's going to change me as a person, perhaps not so cool?

Wiki has a pretty good page on the effects of M2F HRT:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hormone_replacement_therapy_(male-to-female)

As to the behavioral changes I'm hoping that some of the transitioners will answer this, but I've read in the past (I'm a GG), there are often mood swings. It may become easier to cry and you may experience a loss of aggressive behavior if you've felt this as a man. Libido may decrease.

[MC-lite]

Uh, let's see. You think you have to be a dude because you are only attracted to girls?

OMG, that is SUCH a dudely thing to say.

May I inform you that I am very much a woman and I am VERY attracted to other women.

S

One of the most important things to remember is that gender and sexual preference are not really connected. We are what we are, but we like what we like. :)

To answer your question about horomonal changes, emphaically yes. You do change. But if you're a TS, it's a change for the better. I can say that I felt more comfortable in my skin and I felt vindicated. Yes, I did experience mood changes. But just as GGirls do, you learn to control yourself and not say or do anything that can get you in trouble. And yes, you will cry. I found myself welling up for the silliest of reasons (i.e. movies touch you, situations that would normally have no emotional impact on you end up making you well up.)

No shame there, though. Crying is a female safety valve. It's a wonderful thing because it cleanses the soul. (Not to mention the tear ducts)

And yes. You will not feel as aggressive as you felt in the past. But these changes are subtle, and take place over time. Trying to watch for them is like watching a plant grow.

[Ayaka.N]

Thanks so much for the great replies everyone!

Glad to know that HRT isn't the all changing monster that I've been fearing it was. Out of curiousity though, to those who are experienced, how did the behavioural changes work out in the work place? Personally, while I am planning a career change, I'm currently in a line of work that constantly puts me in front of people and would generally be bad for business if I were to suddenly tear up over nothing. I mean, will I have to learn to put on my "work face" all over again?

Sorry about the sexual orientation stuff though, everyone. I really worded that badly and may have come off a little ignorant. What I mean is, well, the first part is best illustrated with a quote from a female friend in reply to a comment I made about a group of young ladies "You're such a damn boy!" Meanwhile, my girlfriend, who has seen a lot deeper inside me, comments regularly that I'm such a girl. So while my core behaviours are apparently somewhat feminine, that part of me at least is pretty boyish.

[sandra-leigh]

Out of curiousity though, to those who are experienced, how did the behavioural changes work out in the work place?

Nothing notable for me, at least not that I noticed.

Other, that is, then a temptation from time to time, to correct perceptions of gender. For example my boss would say, "Hello, Gentlemen", and, I would have to catch myself before saying, "I am not a 'Gentlemen'!". And when the guys are making sexist comments (e.g., about how women supposedly never shut up), the temptation to say that I am female and I didn't appreciate their comments.

For me these comments were containable, but they were a bit draining. Others would have had a hard time.