Hitting The Wall

[Janet77]

Allow me to vent:
I love looking at the pictures here and on other crossdressing websites. Some of you girls look amazing! But I am starting to realize that I may have hit the wall. I am never going to come close to how beautiful and passable some of you are, no matter how much practice I get with makeup and no matter what I wear. It's kinda depressing.....Anybody else feel this way?

[paulinescotlandcd]

In the final analysis all you can do is try your best to look your best and if you do that you should get a huge lift from that.We all want things others have, slimmer body, smaller feet, etc etc. But first and foremost you are a man trying to look like a woman and there is only so much you can do, do not get down, get on Youtube and practice makeup and make sure you do your best with what you have.

[Roberta Young]

Janet Im older than dirt, and when i was young and had perfect skin i revolted against dressing. now i just look in the mirror and if a smile comes to my face i accept who i am. im happy with myself. satisfied. Luv Roberta PS pretty avatar

[Kathi Lake]

Janet, I guess you would have to ask yourself just why you're dressing? Is it to fill a need, or is it just for looks?

Personally, I dress to fill a need that wearing guy's clothes just doesn't give me. I dress to feel the fabrics, to smell the makeup, to hear my heels clicking. It is a very sensory experience, and although sight is a sense, to me it is not the most important - especially as the mirror is not my friend! But you know what? That's OK. It makes me feel good inside, and that is all that matters.

:)

Kathi

[kimdl93]

I appreciate the way many of the members present themselves, and in truth, I try to do the best I can, but I also know that I have inherent strengths and weaknesses. The best I can hope for is to accentuate the positives and downplay the negatives. None of us is perfect. Just keep doing your best and if you have doubts, go sit at the mall and watch all the reall GGs go by. You'll soon realize that even among real women there is enormous variety. not everyone is physically perfect or gorgeous.

[Eryn]

I do feel that way sometimes, but very few of us, CDer or GG ever achieves that ideal image of themselves, and most of those only achieve it through Photoshop.

I was shopping today in drab at Target. Talking to the lady at the cashier was almost like looking at a female version of myself in a mirror. She had my height (6'2"), my basic build, but of course had nicer hips and bust. She probably also has those "hit the wall" feelings, thinking "if only I were smaller" "younger," "thinner," etc.

I think that disappointment is a part of life. Before I acknowledged my CDing I was very disappointed that I couldn't express myself outside of the male boundaries. Now that I'm actively going out I still find disappointment over looks that I can't pull off or styles that look good on twentysomethings but would be ridiculous on me. I do take great pleasure in doing things that I didn't think were possible, though, and that represents good progress!

[Michaela42]

At a previous job I overheard some GG coworkers lamenting on how unfair life was. I found each and every one of them attractive and all, even as one complained about having broad shoulders, another about having a 'mannish' jaw. But the one that really took the cake was the girl who was complaining about having 'huge' feet. She even managed to say this even as she held up the box containing her new work shoes . . . that had "Size 9" on the side of it! I did not know whether to scratch their eyes out or laugh since I have heard those same complaints on the boards.

I guess what I am trying to say is that as females (or wannabe females) there is always someone to compare ourselves to and something that we would like to change.

[Cynthia Anne]

Don't beat yourself up too bad Janet! Were not all beauties! Wait til you see me! Then you will see what I'm talking about! My beauty is on the inside and I try hard each day to let it shine through! And beleive me; you are beautiful! Now smile and go patch the wall!:):hugs:

[Barbara Ella]

All rants accepted, and encouraged. I know when I look in the mirror in male mode all I see is Jack Nicholson looking back, shouting "You want the truth, you can't handle the truth." So I decide not to pursue the truth. Some will look beautiful. Some will look cute. Most of us will not except for that one picture or after the makeover or transformation service special. I avoid a little of the depression by thinking if i have done the best possible with what I was given. If I am doing a good job there, and keep trying to improve myself, I have to be happy and accept where I am and what I can do. I am damn sure gonna keep trying because I am learning to love who I am on the inside now.

So don't beat yourself up too much Janet, it is normal. Just look inside, and plan the next step.

Barbara

[STACY B]

Hey dont give up just yet ! Im no beauty queen eather ,,, But hell with all the technology nowadays ,,Hell we can just save up until we have enough to get some plastic surgery ,,Lol ,,,Dont throw in the towel ,,Im not ,,Ill fight it to my death Bed ,,,lol,, Atleast its something ti live for ,,The fight ! Or the Rush ,,

[miaTX86]

I can relate. The whole thing can be really captivating but then I know that I have those feelings where I know there are just somethings you cannot overcome. As was mentioned, I am sure there are plenty of GGs out there that feel the same way and I am sure that it is even more difficult to them.

On a superficial note, you look pretty good in your pictures on flickr!

[Launa]

I've hit the brick wall at 100 mph. There is nothing about me that looks fem I'm 6'2", broad shoulders and have a big male nose but those are the cards I've been dealt. I'll just have to make the best of it and try to look as good as I can with what I've got . There will always be the oportunity for a facelift and a nose job down the road I guess. Time to save a little more for these luxuries in the golden years!

[Lainie]

I can't give up the 40-yr old mustache, even though it makes me look like a man in a dress. So I just enjoy wearing the nice clothes. GGs my age are mostly not that pretty either, but still can dress with style.

[BobbieBrooks]

Everytime time I dress!!! The wall is brick but I keep chipping away at it. Maybe some day, it will crumble and I will be more than a guy in a dress LOL !!!

BobbieB

[Bras4Edie]

Terrific thread! I had similar thoughts just yesterday, but then I thought, "what's the alternative? Eternal drab? YUCH!" So Cindy Crawford and Christie Brinkley are still super hot, there is nothing we can do about it but envy them (and I really do), so might as well carry on! Keep the faith!

[larry]

Interesting.. I feel that way a lot. Some days I refuse to look at the pics cause I am SO jealous of the beauty. And some of those people are complaining about something..??
I probably will never be seen (as bad as I look) so I just enjoy being here and learning from others.

[Ava Tryptyk]

You shouldn't feel bad about the way you look. Embrace the features you were given and make it work for you. Think of it as a challenge.
What's most important is that you have fun when you're doing it. If the only way for you to have fun is for the result to be perfect, then you'll be in for major disappointment.

[Bree Wagner]

Everytime time I dress!!! The wall is brick but I keep chipping away at it. Maybe some day, it will crumble and I will be more than a guy in a dress LOL !!!

BobbieB

Hehe, I like this. The metaphor I'll go with is similar. When I feel like I've hit rock bottom (and I did recently!) I'll pull out the jackhammer and tunnel my way out.

-Bree

[DebbieL]

I'm transsexual. I have always wanted to be a girl, and by the time I was six I realized that I was a girl trapped in a boy's body. When I couldn't play with girls anymore, I didn't want to play with the boys so I read a lot of books. I didn't like fiction books about boys' activities, and books about girls' activities just made me jealous and acutely aware of what I couldn't have.

I would sneak into the dirty laundry and try on mom's clothes, but I WANTED to get caught. Maybe they could help me become a girl. When they caught me and told me there was nothing that they, or anybody else could do about it, it was like a prison door slamming shut. My health got worse, my asthma attacks got more severe, and when they were evaluating my living situation, they were amazed that when I was allowed to play with a bunch of girls and just be one of the girls, my health improved radically. In fact, I went from having daily attacks to going 3 days in a row without even coughing or clearing my threat.

When they put me with a bunch of boys, they almost had to stop the test early because my asthma got so severe that I was constantly medicated and almost had to be hospitalized 3 times.

When I heard advertisements for the Christine Jorgensen story, I told the therapist who was trying to teach me to control my emotions to reduce the severity of the attacks, that I wanted to be a girl, and he told me he knew that, and knew that I would be much happier if I was a girl, but that sex change was not a possibility in this country. My parents couldn't afford to take me to Sweden.

I eventually learned to control my emotions, using Mr Spock of Star Trek as a role model. I focused on intellectual hobbies and buried myself in non-fiction books. Eventually my health came back, with my final hospitalization being for Chigella (I cut myself in a stagnant pond and the bacteria were trying to digest me from the inside out). I went into the light, talked to the nice man in the bright place, and he asked me to go back, and I agreed, as I came to, I was pissed because I hadn't asked to go back as a girl. I was actually pissed when I realized I was going to live.

When I started going through puberty, I got really upset, and tried everything I could think of to "kill the balls", to try and keep them from flooding my body with testosterone. When I found out I had a bass voice, and was growing hair all over my body, I was suicidal and self destructive. I frequently engaged in drug abuse that was intended to be overdoses, but usually only ended up in black-outs. Because I was still very feminine, most people assumed that I was homosexual, wanting boys. They didn't understand that the last thing I wanted was boys. I wanted to be a woman, I wanted to be one of the girls, but I was also attracted to women, and most of my sexual fantasies were lesbian in nature. Because I didn't want girls to play with my penis, they assumed that I was gay, but they liked that I was so willing to please them with my hands and mouth. They would tell their boyfriends I was gay, but didn't tell them that I gave them their first real orgasms. In high school, I got so many offers from boys that I started introducing the boys to each other.

In College, I went to an almost all-girl college, 800 women and 25 guys. Most of the guys were either gay or in relationships. I was the only "virgin" and even that was only from the waist down. I had a lesbian affair with a girl who would have many orgasms with me then go earn her tuition by having sex with other men. Sometimes she would tell me about the adventures the next day. I didn't feel like my masculinity was threatened, my femininity was affirmed. The other guys were one-night-stands, but I was the one she wanted every single night. We discussed it and she realized that I was her lesbian lover, and realized that it really was the truth. For some reason I never told her about my dressing. She did offer to dress me up once, but then she was afraid she had offended me before I could say yes.

One Fiance lost, and one wife and two kids later, my wife decided she didn't want to be a lesbian anymore, and wanted a man who was well hung and wanted to be a man. She started having an affair with a younger hairier man, who was much larger (wouldn't take much, I only had 3 inches when I was rock hard). I started dressing in public and going to dances and other events. I also went to gender counseiling, and the therapist strongly recommended transition. I started dressing as often as possible, going to many different environments, but lost my job in the process. I found a new job, and a girl who wanted to support me in transition, I was only outer-dressing as a boy for work, and even then she would pick me up, take me straight home, and tell me to get dressed immediately. Then we might go out to dinner, go to a meeting, go out in public in a variety of situations, until I was able to go anywhere and be a very beautiful woman and not get read. Unfortunately, she was also bisexual and one of her former boyfriends suddenly got very interested in her and the possibility of 3-ways. He offered to marry her, legally adopt her children, and give her half of a patent used in every modern power supply - valued initially at $5 million ,but later much more.

Shortly after that, my wife told me that if I didn't stop the transition process, she would demand supervised visitation, and showed me a social worker's letter stating that my visitation was harmful to the children, addressed to a judge.who was a fundamentalist Christian. The Social worker and Judge were friends of her husband's sister, and they all went to the same Church.

I stopped the transition process, but when she threatened to use the letter anyway, asking me to stop seeing the kids to they would bond with her new husband, I moved to the NYC area. I took on a project to make the internet available to the public, and took a leadership training program to help me take a more visible leadership role. Unfortunately, one of the requirements was that I had to stop dressing, in public and in private. By the end of 6 months, I had nearly doubled my weight, and decided not to go on to the next level of leadership training.

Unfortunately, the weight made it hard for me to dress, and I stopped going out in public as Debbie. I had a girl-friend who liked Debbie, but didn't want to go out in public, and seemed to like her chubby "Buddha boy" (I looked like the Buddha). After 15 years we realized we couldn't get married because she wanted to live out in the country about 3 hours from the nearest airport, and I needed to fly in and out of a major airport every week-end.

A heart attack, a stroke, and a new wife later (not in that order), I finally decided to do something dramatic about my weight. I decided that I wanted to make a goal of being able to go out in public again, by getting from size 26 to size 16 in 14 months. I started dressing any time I worked from home, working most of the day in skirt, hose, and heels, going out in short shorts on the week-ends, and losing over 85 lbs on Weight Watchers in the process. I got more exercise, and ate better. I even started seeing a therapist about transition, or at least starting hormones under medical supervision. However, when my current wife started telling me she didn't like my wardrobe, and wanted Debbie to "Stay Home" - the pattern reversed. Even though I only gained 20 lbs, it was the worst kind of weight, the kind that really hurts your heart.

At this point, I feel trapped more than ever. If I try to keep being a boy, I'll gain weight, and my goal would be to die so I can reincarnate into a girl's body. If I transition, my fear is that I won't be satisfied with the result, and end up going down the same tunnel anyway. I know I can't overdose. I'm a genetic addict and my body can detox practically anything. Even after surgery, I'm wide awake and alert as they are moving me from the table to the gurney, and conversational before I get back to the recovery room. Besides, I have 32 years clean, more than anyone else in NJ, and I'm not going to swallow that chip. Because of all the issues I'm dealing with at the moment, I'm taking the 12 steps again around these issues.

Sorry for the long response.

[erickka]

Don't get yourself down, Janet. I know sooo many GG's that feel the same as you do. All they do is do the very best with what was God given, and accept the flaws, and go on and enjoy life.

[Janet77]

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful replies! DebbieL. thank you for sharing your story and putting my situation in perspective. We all must play the cards we are dealt the best we can.....

[jillleanne]

Allow me to vent:
I love looking at the pictures here and on other crossdressing websites. Some of you girls look amazing! But I am starting to realize that I may have hit the wall. I am never going to come close to how beautiful and passable some of you are, no matter how much practice I get with makeup and no matter what I wear. It's kinda depressing.....Anybody else feel this way?

Your goal should not be about trying to look as good as others here or anywhere. Concentrate on looking your best and keep experimenting. My guess is some here will think you look better than them, so then what? Spend more time enjoying who you are and less time worrying about becoming a godddess. Truth be told, most of us here will never pass 100% in public, looks just being one reason. Also remember, pics lie often. What you see in a pic will often never look the same in reality so don't put too much weight on pics on the net. Have fun with who you are and enjoy your gift. Do you have any idea how many genetic women know they aren't beautiful by someone elses' standards? Do yo really think they care? NOT! They care about who they are and not someone elses' opinion. Jealously can eat one's soul. Just be your beautiful self. We will admire and respect you for you just being you, and not trying to be someone else.

[Cheryl T]

Stop comparing to others and just be yourself.
Look around you when you are out. Are all the women beautiful? I don't think so!!
Are all the women slim and sexy....I don't think so!!
We come in all shapes and sizes and appearances. Learn to love yourself and be confident and then nothing else will matter....but don't always compare others to how you look, you are an individual...revel in that.

[sonna]

nobodys perfect!!! like there all saying go to the mall and look around (it builds my confidence)
heres an example i met somebody that had to weigh 350 to 400 pounds wereing a tank top
at least 3 sizes to small. again nobody perfect.

by the way mary was a very nice person ended up talking to her for a good 30min
i do my best not to judge people on how they look.
so stop judging yourself by how you look.
just be who your are!!!!!!!!!!!!

[EllieOPKS]

I got bit by a vampire, so there's no use looking in the mirror. :) .

[MelanieB]

Janet

I've been a confirmed crossdresser for 50+ years, all of them firmly in the closet. I was so far back in the closet I had Narnia as my back garden.

The good thing about the closet was the lack of light, and mirrors were quite unnecessary

There was just me feeling good about the way I felt when I dressed with noone to impress but myself

Some time ago I opened up to my wife and now find a new challenge in trying to present in as nice a femme fashion as possible given the cards I've been dealt

I'm never going to pass as Marilyn Monroe, but you know what.... I love what I do

Gives the missus a few laughs as well...though she does try to mask it to save hurting my feelings

[Beverley Sims]

What is depressing is that I have gone backwards and dont pass as well as I used to.
As you get older you have to accept that and make provision for a new you.
I see a lot of middle aged ladies here and they seem to have adapted well.
Maybe that is what you have to do.
Not just blend.... Adapt to a new situation as well.

[Sandy Banks]

I think a lot of us feel that way. Just remember everyone is getting older, we just can't stop it from happening(except sometimes when we dress)!:heehee:

[Lee Andrews]

Allow me to vent:
I love looking at the pictures here and on other crossdressing websites. Some of you girls look amazing! But I am starting to realize that I may have hit the wall. I am never going to come close to how beautiful and passable some of you are, no matter how much practice I get with makeup and no matter what I wear. It's kinda depressing.....Anybody else feel this way?

Join the club sister, go with what you have and enjoy. Some are blessed and I am not. No big deal.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Janet, Welcome to the real world.

[suchacutie]

Hi Janet,

The very first conversation my wife and I had when we had just discovered Tina started, "...and you understand Tina is never going to be a small girl...". We can only work with the cards we have been dealt (though I have already lost 35 pounds for Tina!!!). I have broad shoulders and my nose is too big, but we learn how to overcome these things (I lept for joy when I found the videos about a "nosejob" done with makeup!).

There is a lot to passing as a woman beyond the looks, and all that can be learned.

Have fun with it!

tina

[Kelli Ca]

I can totally identify with you some of the girls here look so amazing the only thing I can say is be happy with who we are

[noeleena]

Hi,

As close as to 65. i dont have to try & even if i did it would not change much even being a woman & any way when your accepted for who you are, iv given up trying , as i know many others will far surpass me . if it were by looks alone id be a dismale failer so what i lack i gain else where,

einige von uns sind einfach normal aussenhende Frauen.

some of us are just normal looking women.

ein haus Frau.

...noeleena...