I am getting closer

[Inna]

Just read the post on facebook, a friend LIKED a page with the title "I am proud to be Transsexual"
This got me to realize that I am Not Proud to be a Transsexual but I am Proud to be a "Woman" who happened to overcome transsexuality!

It my recent posts I write about transness being part of my psyche, how can it Not be, I have fought it my entire, and lets face it, quite a bit of years, life!

I have overcome most of dreaded stereotype regarding TS, yet, I still feel the tag of its enormous gravity, pulling me to reveal where I come from. I am starting to realize that I do this because I still feel not completely adequate as a woman.

When will this past be so insignificant that I will be able, with clear conscious , leave it to vanish into the dusty world of distant history. After all, when I will be long gone, no one will reminisce about my transness, but perhaps about how I made them smile..........hopefully, lol!

So why not to start today...................

[Pink Person]

Transpeople are completely adequate transpeople. We shouldn't torture ourselves with false comparisons. Male CDs aren't cismen and transwomen aren't ciswomen. We must respect our differences that can't be overcome. Transgender people won't get the respect they deserve until they learn how to respect themselves and give cisgender people the respect that is due to them.

Differences sometimes imply rank, and minorities are frequently treated as inferior to members of a majority. Gender minorities should resist the temptation to downgrade themselves or let other people downgrade or degrade them. Transwomen and ciswomen are different types of women, but each of these groups belongs to a larger gender category that is defined by both groups, not just one or the other. Transwomen and ciswomen both bring vital and important meaning to the definitions of femininity and womanhood. Neither group has a monopoly on gender value and significance.

We should respect gender variation in all of its forms because gender characteristics are imperfectly diffused in all of us. Nobody measures up to the artificial ideals we construct from observing the far less spectacular reality of gender diversity.

[Traci Elizabeth]

Pink person you make some good points. Myself, I have washed my hands of being called or consider myself to be "trans." Whether anyone agrees or not, only my believe matters to me, and that is that I am simply a "woman." Not a trans woman, just a woman.

[Inna]

Thanks Pink, however it may be applicable to masses or groups, I am slowly realizing that transsexuality is a medical/psychological condition where correct brain gender is combined with incorrect genetics of flesh, therefor making such person dysphoric and in the process, sick! Sickness is however, curable, and at the end of the process, individual becomes whole and healthy!
This is where I find my self, on the brink of wholeness, but still overcoming details of intricate psychology which lingers on as a residue of past pain and suffering.

I just realized that I am fighting my last of fears associated with stigma of transness, "Owning One Self", and fearlessly, yet scared to the bone, I go where I feel I want to go. I want to celebrate the essence of femininity, and where else, but becoming a model, however far fetched, and somewhat ridiculous to think of a 45 year old, freshly transitioned, transsexual woman to become!
You think it is scary to go to walmart to shop while presenting as woman?, think again, walking into an addition room full of mesmerizing, beautiful, natal women nearly all size 0, well, as scary as it gets!
But I do, despite my fears, despite my self, I go because I feel I need to!

Everywhere else I go, shopping, restaurants anywhere, I present as a woman, I am being looked at as one, I love it, but I do not have a need to share with anyone my past! No way do I want to tell them that I really am different, because I am not, I have been cured of the birth defect and now I am whole.
But somehow I have this need with regards to modeling, WHY?
And now I begun to grasp understanding, I need to share my handicap because I don't own this last of frontiers of self acceptance, I still fear being discovered.

But it isn't about them, and it is all about me, one more step to take, and I am going forward baby!

[Melody Moore]

I am a woman with a transsexual history and that is all there is to it. :)

[Badtranny]

Well it's only a matter of time before the bossy and mildly delusional "keep your mouth shut" rants start, so I should get a thought in beforehand.

Personally I'm not proud of being born TS (anymore than I'm proud to have been born blonde), but I AM proud that I was able to find the intestinal fortitude to accept myself for who I am and live accordingly. I'm also proud to be associated with a group of women that are also very strong and determined to live authentic lives.

Inna, there is nothing wrong with striving for more. A woman's reach should always exceed her grasp after all, and while you were pursuing an idealized feminine beauty, passing became a forgone conclusion. My old roomie and I had a little argument last year when I was on a strict diet. She said I was too skinny already and I said I need to be as small as possible. She said, "are you trying to be perfect?" in a huffy tone, and I said yes. I want to achieve the perfect body. I want to get as close as I can to feminine perfection because there are so many masculine attributes that I will not be able to change. I will obviously never achieve perfection but along the way my body will at least become unmistakeably feminine and reasonably attractive.

It is this journey Inna that is taking us farther away from our pasts. We are both recently transitioned and our past lives as men are barely past at all. We will be dealing with shadows of who we were for years to come, but each passing year will sail us further from those men.

Keep reaching for the stars baby, you can always rest on the moon and look down on those poor souls who would rather live in fear and doubt.

[Kaz]

Inna,

Beat me up if you like as I shouldn't be here but I 'wannabe' and as I am usually way off beam so do I apologise if I offend anyone... I can only imagine that having gone through all this... the euphoria dies a bit and the realities beam in...? It is a big journey you are on... and you can look at it as a destination or a beginning... I would suggest the latter...

I look at you (and others) and am in awe! Melissa is right... this is moving you away from your past to a new place... now this place may not be what you thought it would be... when was this any different?... What is important is that you find yourself in this new place...

Hope this helps, at best I help, at worst I empathise... I wish!

[Bree-asaurus]

Personally I'm not proud of being born TS (anymore than I'm proud to have been born blonde), but I AM proud that I was able to find the intestinal fortitude to accept myself for who I am and live accordingly. I'm also proud to be associated with a group of women that are also very strong and determined to live authentic lives.

I was going to say basically the same thing... so I figured I'd just quote Melissa.

I'm proud of who I am and what I've accomplished. Part of that is being able to accept and thrive despite my transsexuality. I do wish I was a bit better at dealing with being trans sometimes, but as hard as it is, I am proud of what I have been able to achieve.

I am proud to be a human, a woman, a daughter, a girlfriend and a friend. THAT is who I am. Being trans is just a PART of my life. I don't care to identify as transsexual more than someone with jacked up teeth cares to be identified as a 'braces wearer.'

[Kathryn Martin]

Having this strange compulsion to reveal yourself seems to be a phase all transitioning persons go through. I experienced the same thing, vis-a-vis my clients having transitioned in place, explaining the inexplicable over and over again. It was my spouse who eventually asked why I was doing it. I stopped. Since my surgery which essentially ended transition, things have faded, I hardly think about it anymore and I don't discuss a condition I once had. It's like saying I had a perforated bowel when I was young, no one wants to hear it. Transness does not exist, and transsexuality is a curable condition as you say. You have to learn to accept who you are, a woman. Your posts are full of self-deprecating evaluations of yourself. You are not deficient but gifted.




Just read the post on facebook, a friend LIKED a page with the title "I am proud to be Transsexual"
This got me to realize that I am Not Proud to be a Transsexual but I am Proud to be a "Woman" who happened to overcome transsexuality!

It my recent posts I write about transness being part of my psyche, how can it Not be, I have fought it my entire, and lets face it, quite a bit of years, life!

I have overcome most of dreaded stereotype regarding TS, yet, I still feel the tag of its enormous gravity, pulling me to reveal where I come from. I am starting to realize that I do this because I still feel not completely adequate as a woman.

When will this past be so insignificant that I will be able, with clear conscious , leave it to vanish into the dusty world of distant history. After all, when I will be long gone, no one will reminisce about my transness, but perhaps about how I made them smile..........hopefully, lol!

So why not to start today...................

[melissaK]

I'm getting closer to my home. ... Grand Funk Railroad
Everyday, it's a getting closer ... Buddy Holly
... The closer I am to fine ... Indigo girls
I am getting closer to your heart ... Mc Cartney / Wings
But I'm getting closer, getting closer ... Billy Joel

The post title got me humming. From a lot of songs.

Hugs,
'lissa

[Inna]

Thanks, once again you prove to be wisdom amongst desolate void, an oasis within vast plane of desert. I take your words and hold on to them and pull my self of the knees and walk yet another step.

LUV YA MY SISTERS!

[KellyJameson]

Even though perfection is unattainable it is a worthy goal if it does not create or perpetuate self loathing.

As a woman the dangers to self born of poor body image are greater so one must be cautious of goals reliant on physical beauty.

Ambition is wonderful but do not pay with the very soul you have fought so hard to protect.

[TeresaL]

I'm so glad you are able to step through the portal and get away from the things that are reminders of a time you that no longer desire. But please don't leave those of us who are still part of the trans team. We are what you were, and as you were running away from bondage, so are we.

Pride in being TG is better than being shamed, guilt-ridden, thrown in the ship's hold and shackled. I'm out, and I'm FREE to be me. Yet the ship is at my backside, I'm running, and my old taskmaster is holding the key while screaming at me to get back. If though, I would lose everything for this freedom, my trek would then be at your side, being as complete as modern surgery could make me.

But yet, here I stand, as a non-surgical trans-person, longing for what you are transforming into, but "proud" of taking the stand simply to be trans while curiously walking towards the next door. Although surgery may never be my option, please, if I knock, open the door and help me in.

[Kate Simmons]

The past IS the past my friend and you are who you are, my friend--Inna! :)

[kellycan27]

Inna
I have read a lot of your recent posts and I am not trying to be critical or to offend you, but I liken you and (some others) to someone building a race car and then putting an inexperienced driver behind the wheel. In one thread you feel the need to be something like a poster girl for the TS community...( modeling, poise, presentation) "I feel i need to out myself for the benefit of the TS community as a transsexual. The next minute you're a woman wondering when you will be able to separate the woman from the "transsexual" woman. IMHO you can be either, but the "twixt shall never meet". Slow down.. it's not a race.

[Inna]

Inna
I have read a lot of your recent posts and I am not trying to be critical or to offend you, but I liken you and (some others) to someone building a race car and then putting an inexperienced driver behind the wheel. In one thread you feel the need to be something like a poster girl for the TS community...( modeling, poise, presentation) "I feel i need to out myself for the benefit of the TS community as a transsexual. The next minute you're a woman wondering when you will be able to separate the woman from the "transsexual" woman. IMHO you can be either, but the "twixt shall never meet". Slow down.. it's not a race.

Hi hon, my posts are raw, of the moment, and thoughts are honest and sometimes not particularly cuddly, however, your observation of the shift is true. I use the forum to place an argument often, an introspect into the psyche, trying to understand the mechanism with which I reason my reasons. Such tend to push my resolve into the new frontiers, new discoveries or rather uncoveries of who I truly am. So if you see yet another post in which by now I will be yet again somewhere else, well.......just say, 'Oh yeah, not to worry, Its just Inna doing her mind yoga"

Love YA, inna

[michelleinktown]

I'm so glad you are able to step through the portal and get away from the things that are reminders of a time you that no longer desire. But please don't leave those of us who are still part of the trans team. We are what you were, and as you were running away from bondage, so are we.

Pride in being TG is better than being shamed, guilt-ridden, thrown in the ship's hold and shackled. I'm out, and I'm FREE to be me. Yet the ship is at my backside, I'm running, and my old taskmaster is holding the key while screaming at me to get back. If though, I would lose everything for this freedom, my trek would then be at your side, being as complete as modern surgery could make me.

But yet, here I stand, as a non-surgical trans-person, longing for what you are transforming into, but "proud" of taking the stand simply to be trans while curiously walking towards the next door. Although surgery may never be my option, please, if I knock, open the door and help me in.

Well said and thanks

Michelle