Dealing w/ unaccepting parent

[bimini1]

I really don't know what else to say I'm 47 yrs old and this is still an issue of contention with my mom. She recently came to visit and a week could not pass without her putting in her two cents worth of negative opinions about gays and trans. I won't respond as I am tired of explaining who I am to someone who is committed to misunderstanding me.

But it is stressing me out can't believe at this age she still can get to me like this.

[NathalieX66]

Bimini, It may not be possible to teach an old dog new tricks. Your mom is probably hardwired this way. That's just the way it is for some folk. Continue to show love and respect to her anyway.
I think I would just let it roll, and say "oh well, nothing you can do about it", and move on. In the end, you must do what is right for you.
I'm 46, and my parents have plenty of gay & lesbian friends. Such is life.

[Eryn]

In an ideal world,parents would be accepting of their offspring, but the reality is that they may hold ideas that we consider old-fashioned. That is their privilege.

In the long run what does it matter? Change the subject when it comes up. If she persists, say directly "We both have strong ideas on this topic and it is not a good thing for us to discuss." If she still persists, leave for a while.

[Jacqueline Winona]

Part of it is something you can't change like Nathalie said. It isn't just a generational thing as many members here could attest, but some people were brought up with to believe intolerance is the only attitude. Part of what she is going through is a strange way to tell you she loves you and wants you to live what she thinks is the perfect life. It sucks to be in your shoes, and I feel for you.

[Ms Mira]

I don't think you can really change her view of your dressing at this point. Kinda sucks... But guess you gotta roll with the punches and just be you. *shrug*

[Elizabeth]

I told my mom I was trans and she said "well I don't know about you being trans?". I said "mom, it's not a question that I was asking your opinion, I was telling you not asking you.". Haven't spoken to her since then and that was 8 years ago. I am no longer in contact with any of my 7 siblings or my mother. Sometimes that's just how it is.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Noemi]

I can relate to this. I come from a conservative back round. Well I do not want to out line the specifics because it is negative stuff.
What I can say is that people do not understand us at all. As if we choose this, and if you do choose this, ok that is your choice. But me if I could get out of this..what am I saying, I do not know any other life..
I am just all over tonight.
And all me me me, please excuse me I am having a bad night, jeez I said me again......

I really have no relationship with my family any longer. Even with my Dad, whom I felt close with. They are idiots. How can they not see that I am still me. I am just a bit different than them. I think it is over with my family.

And dig this, it is a relief. I am in my early 40's, and I want to live now. I do not want anything that my family has any longer, its only $$ that keeps me around, and I plan on making allot of my own soon. Then there will be no use for them at all. I am almost completely free of them. They are totally into them selves anyway.

But would reject my Trans self, oh this is difficult to write..Of course I care, but I also must survive..Play that song for me.
And to think of life with out them is pleasant, and liberating.

[BobbieBrooks]

Moms will do that to you. LOL Mine even got to me at the reading of her will. Was about money that I borrowed. Really P_ _ _ed me off at the time.

[STACY B]

I told my mom I was trans and she said "well I don't know about you being trans?". I said "mom, it's not a question that I was asking your opinion, I was telling you not asking you.". Haven't spoken to her since then and that was 8 years ago. I am no longer in contact with any of my 7 siblings or my mother. Sometimes that's just how it is.

Love always,
Elizabeth An its not the end of the world is it ? Sometimes its better like that ,, Suround yourself with posative people ,,,They make there chice an you make yours ,,Thats your rite ,, Ita not all about them . I basicly done the same thing . An boy is it wayyyyy better ,, I just dont understand why someone would put there self threw all that negative stuff,, If they dont like it well just move on an live YOUR life .. WE DO !!! Works Great too

[Stephenie S]

Listen dear, that's just what parents do.

I'm not a crossdressers so I don't have that issue, but my mom tried to tell me what to do right up until the day she died. She never stopped.

But the key word in the previous sentence is "died". She is gone now and even with all her faults I miss her deeply. Your mom is the only mom you will ever have. She loves you. Accept her with all her faults. That's what you want from her, right? You have to give to receive. She may never give up trying to influence you, and one day she will be gone.

S

[Cheryl T]

You will always be your mother's little boy (even if you were 7' tall ) so you'll just have to learn to let it go in one ear and out the other.
Don't stress yourself over what you can't change. Remember the description of insanity..."doing the same thing over and over expecting different results"

[Kate Simmons]

People who are staunch believers in the binary gender system seem to be inflexible with many things besides this. Sometimes there is a huge difference between one generation and another.:)

[Beverley Sims]

Enjoy your mom for what she is.
Yes mum is a popular reply.
Life is too short for anything else.
When she is away the mice can then play to their hearts content.:)

[Cynthia Anne]

Sometimes life gets in the way! The strong accepts things as they are and move forward! There will always be those that can't face the facts! Those that can't are the reasons for war! Stay strong and be proud of who you are!

[Oh Stella]

I agree with Stephenie S. Read her post again. Very very true, that is what you want from your mother. You will miss all the things about her when she is gone, good and bad!!!

[melissakozak]

The issues with our parents are extremely complex. Aren't the issues with everyone we love complex because frankly, when we dress, we ARE a different person. We look and act differently enough in front of them that they don't know how to respond to this 'new' person...we have to bear the brunt of a lot of negative stereotypes, ignorance, prejudice and what I really like to call a sex negative environment clearly born out of a religious atmosphere that preaches ignorance about sexuality, or at the very least, that sex and sexual topics are 'sinful.' Based on you post, I am assuming your mother is at least 70 years old and was possibly raised in a rather conservative environment. For most of her life, she probably received messages about sexuality that ANY variance from heterosexual sex was plain wrong, and that anyone who decides to cross the gender boundary was probably gay, etc.

I realize I am painting a scenario here with a broad brush, and I am also speaking from my own personal story here, as my step-mother is pretty much not accepting, but she would never make digs in my direction because she is not that kind of person, and my response would be quick, blunt, biting and direct.

My advice would be to sit down with your mom and tell you love her and that her comments are actually HURTING YOU. Yes. These comments hurt, and you have no rational reason to sit there and take it continuously. Your quote, "....it is stressing me out can't believe at this age she still can get to me like this...." I can believe it. Your mother is, by all definitions, supposed to love and support you, and when she hurls these daggers at you, they hurt.

Don't let someone else's ignorance and prejudice put pressure on this kind of relationship. I am certain your mother has skeletons in her closet. I am certain she is not perfect. She is entitled to her opinions, but the subject of 'gay' and 'trans' people is no longer one you can discuss if she has nothing nice to say. It becomes that simple. I would gently explain that you realize how she feels about the subject and continuing to 'hammer that viewpoint home' to me is not helpful.

We have to set the tone and boundaries. We bear the brunt of ignorance. In order for positive change to take place, we absolutely have to set the bar high for our loved ones with regard to a demand for some personal dignity and respect. But also make certain that you tell her that you love her and respect her and all you are really asking for is the same. Suppose your mother was overweight, massively so, and you made constant comments regarding how obese people are this or that? Get my point?

My own step mother, when I came out at 19, told me bluntly, "you are not parading around here in a dress...." Well, I got the hint and moved out of the house three weeks later and never looked back......

[bimini1]

Thanks y'all good advice from all I decided to let it go and it instantly freed my mind. I must be growing because a couple of years ago this would have had me in a funk for weeks. The answers come from within thanks for the support I knew I could count on this forum.

[kimdl93]

I think you made a good decision in letting it all go. You're mom may have some bigoted views but she's still your mother. It takes maturity and restraint to let stupid comments pass...and you're demonstrating both.

[Noemi]

Thanks y'all good advice from all I decided to let it go and it instantly freed my mind. I must be growing because a couple of years ago this would have had me in a funk for weeks. The answers come from within thanks for the support I knew I could count on this forum.

Your Mom's comments are part of her own defects of character. They have nothing to do with you. People like your Mom have a need to put others down to elevate themselves. Yes they are that insecure and fragile. Also this type of personality will feed off of hurting you, yes insecure again. She knows what she is doing and how much it hurts you, she can feel it. Your Mother has some serious issues.

I tell you this not to put your Mom down. My family is exactly the same, as was my Mom(whom I do not miss). The reason to think about what I have written is that this is how you will free yourself from her. The more you look at it the more it will disappear, the truth will set you free. There is nothing wrong with you, as you well know. We are a minority with our gender, we are some where in the middle of the spectrum. Gender is not polarized, male and female. We know this and are living proof..

I, of course, do not know enough about your mother to say weather a big discussion will stop her from making the comments.

See you will discuss the wrong things. It is really her issues that cause her to comment. That is what you should discuss, at what point in her life did she start to feel that she was not a part of the human race. Then you may get somewhere.

♥
Noemi

[Sandra1746]

My mother lived until 91 and was lucid until at least 85 or so. She had her "hangups" about any number of things and cross dressing would certainly have been one of them. She was also VERY religious. The resolution was that there were just topics that we did not discuss.

Unfortunate but there is no way to meet halfway if there is no compromise by one party. Just try and find areas where you can co-exist comfortably and avoid the others. Not always easy...

This in NO WAY reflects any defect in your personality. If your mother is trying to put a "guilt trip" on you then that is a defect in her personality, not yours.

Good luck,
Sandra1746

[Miranda-E]

I really don't know what else to say I'm 47 yrs old and this is still an issue of contention with my mom. She recently came to visit and a week could not pass without her putting in her two cents worth of negative opinions about gays and trans. I won't respond as I am tired of explaining who I am to someone who is committed to misunderstanding me.

But it is stressing me out can't believe at this age she still can get to me like this.

Why do you let her in your house?

[bimini1]

Why do you let her in your house?


Well I love her. A little background. I told her about this 20 yrs ago when I was really struggling with it, said well if you can't talk to your own mom who can you turn to? We've argued, debated it down thru the years. The thing is, I think at one point she really really tried to 'get' it. Called me a few years ago and said if this is something I really needed to do then I had better be true to myself. Life is too short not to, which was a shocker!

But she seems to not even recall that conversation now. She waffles on it. She goes 1 step forward and then 5 back. Can't explain it other than one of her sisters is a rampant homophobe who bases her prejudice on religion and when those two get together you had better not be around, whew they really let it fly then! TG, gay, its all the same to them and they always go there. My aunt was an Anderson Cooper fan, guess she'll have to stop watching now.

So there may be some influence there, as she gets older (71) and more religious the worse it seems to get. I mean I can understand her not approving, I really can, I care for her, love and respect her as my elder.
But to constantly remind me this is how she feels knowing this is who I am, I don't get it. For instance, this week she comes to visit (we are 500 miles apart) we are driving along and she tells me she has recently run into an old friend of mine, a masculine female basketball player I went to high school with.
I ask well how's she doing, her response.....she's trying to be a boy, I didn't even recognize her, or um, him. I just cannot understand why people can't just be who they are. And these same sex marriages make me sick, can they see they have the same thing as the other person?

I just didn't even respond because I refuse to engage her in any of it. And the thing is, she has always been an intelligent woman, fairly progressive I thought.

I have decided to take the high road on this one and let it roll off of my back.

Again thanks to all who have and continue to respond, this is the only way to keep sanity.

[Bree-asaurus]

I really don't know what else to say I'm 47 yrs old and this is still an issue of contention with my mom. She recently came to visit and a week could not pass without her putting in her two cents worth of negative opinions about gays and trans. I won't respond as I am tired of explaining who I am to someone who is committed to misunderstanding me.

But it is stressing me out can't believe at this age she still can get to me like this.

Just tell her... regardless of her opinions, you are still her child and should be treated with love and respect. And if she can't muster up the ability to give you that and be civil, she doesn't need to see you. I understand that she is your mom and if the pain she causes can be overlooked, great. But if you are suffering because of her, you need to draw the line somewhere.

[jillleanne]

Well that puts her at about 68, so yep, I get it. Is she of Irish decent? That makes it even worse I'm afraid. Love the Irish decent( my mother) but she harps on and on about things to me I did as a child, still. God forbid if she starts in on me about this stuff. I just ignore her or say to her, " Ma! Enough already! " We both laugh and move on. We love to have a great argument and being of Irish decent seems to be the reason. Who cares as long as we are having 'fun', right?
Don't expect her to change, but you can put your foot down like I do and she will get the message. Try it.

[Annie D]

Mothers, wives, and sisters may still love you but can only tolerate your lifestyle not endorse it. Many of us are married to someone who loves us but doesn't want to participate in something that most of us can't understand ourselves. Nature/nurture; we can only gradually change one of those but not both.

[DebbieL]

Bottom line, 2 out of every 3 transsexuals commits suicide before age 30, so your mom did OK with you. She has done her job, she made sure that you survived until you were old enough to make your own decisions. You have honored her for 47 years, by NOT doing what you have wanted to do most of your life. If you are only a cross-dresser, and have no desire to transition, then your mother doesn't need to know more than she already does. You can dress like a man when you are with her, and accept her the way she is, and the way she isn't. If she doesn't like that you have a boyfriend, then don't invite her to your home. Meet her at restaurants, or go to her house alone, but not too often. You may want to consider moving to another state. If you can make more money, live in a more tolerant state, get legally married, and have some true happiness, and your mother doesn't want you to have that, then it's time to go. You'll have the phone.

It's sad that the Christian church has continued to stress mistranslated passages in a less important section of the bible out of context, as if they were the cornerstones of the Christian Faith. It's sadder still, that the church insists on driving that wedge between parents and children, and between Fundamentalist Christians who believe that all gays, transvestites, and transsexuals should be killed, and the world that is more accepting, loving, and tolerant. Ironically, the persecution of gays and transsexuals didn't get really hot until the expansion of the Muslim empires, under Genghis Khan, Kubla Khan, and Suluman - who expanded the muslim empire from Romania to the eastern shores of China and Indonesia.

Even then, the issue was with young boys who tried to pretend to be women in order to be spared the fate of ALL males, from infants to adults, which was to be put to death on sight. Young attractive women were the only ones spared. If a boy dressed as a woman, and acted seductive, and eventually submitted to a man, he might be spared, at least long enough to escape.

In Africa, younger teenage boys were castrated and worked as servants and guards in the harems.

[Callum2000]

I can relate to some of this aswell. I'm a lot younger though(23) and my mother is completely ok with my dressing and my sexuality. My grandmother however isn't so open about it. She's always maintained she doesn't agree with it and thats fine, she grew up in a time when it wasn't "acceptable" I wouldn't expect her to change her views. I have an uncle who is very homophobic etc, he says all gay people and anyone who is "fem" should be shot. I've learned to ignore it and since most of my family are pretty ok with it, I still win at the end of the day. The thing I concentrate on is how I feel when I'm en femme, I feel like I'm somehow being reborn and have turned into someone so wonderful that it makes me feel such joy and my heart feel so warm and tingly. I would love for EVERYONE to accept me as I am but thats just never going to happen, all I can do is stay true to myself and remember that no matter what negativity I face, I'm still me and I haven't let them make me feel like what I'm doing is wrong.

[nancigirl]

DebbieL: Where in the world did you come up with that "research" that said 2 out of 3 transsexuals commit suicide by age 30? Although it is well known that the suicide risk for transsexuals is higher than for the general population, I am not aware of any reliable research stating that the rate of complete suicide in this goup is anywhere near 67%!

[sometimes_miss]

First, I have a mom who doesn't accept my crossdressing either, and if the subject ever comes up or anything aludes to it, she starts crying and saying I'm going to hell and can I please stop all of that nonsense because she wants to see me in heaven after she passes on. There's nothing I can do to change her beliefs, so I just tread lightly whenever I'm with her, and stick to safe topics of discussion. I don't spend a whole lot of time with her, so I think it's no big deal.
Second, we'll never really know how many transgender people kill themselves. There will be lots who simply don't want anyone to ever know, some who are in denial themselves, some who simply think they're homosexuals and never learned anything more and think they're commiting some sort of awful sin so they want the lord to help them stop, the list goes on and on. But I don't think the numbers are quite that high. It will be interesting to see if there's anyone here in the mental health field who can come up with some more accurate numbers. Then again, in other parts of the world, maybe that percentage IS accurate. I wonder if you lived in a society that considers crossdressing an offense punishable by death, and willingly went out crossdressed, got killed, would that be considered suicide?