A new family or a new vagina [Archive] - Crossdressers.com - #1 Community & Forum for Crossdressers, Family and Friends

Bree-asaurus

07-13-2012, 07:42 PM

This is probably an odd thread... but anyway...

As some of you may know, I had an orchiectomy a short while back to hold me over until I can afford SRS.

My boyfriend and I (who have been together for 1.5 years, and he's pre-op FTM) are going to be moving out to his ranch. He's going to stop his HRT and see if he can conceive... if not, we will look into other options. I really want to settle down and start a family with him and once I am financially stable, we will be moving to his ranch. The plan from there is to save money to have a child.

I really want this. Everytime I talk about getting SRS, I'm always saying how I want it sooo bad, but want to start a family first. If my BF is able to conceive, then we are kind of limited on time because the older he gets, the harder it will be.

However, more and more often, I feel like I am saying I want this before SRS, but I'm no longer positive that I'm telling the truth. I honestly don't know which is a higher priority for me... and I feel bad because if SRS is a higher priority, then I'm putting my needs before my boyfriend's. He's been putting off top surgery so he can breast feed (if I can't) because he doesn't want to feed our child formula. If he can put his transsexual needs aside for a child, I feel rather selfish if I decide SRS is a higher priority.

I don't want SRS for silly reasons... not for sex. He doesn't have a penis and our sex life is kind of in the dumps anyway. I just... I need it. I feel like half a person. As much as everything else is coming together, there's still this nagging reminder downstairs... and I hate it.

I don't really know what the purpose of this post is... I'm trying to think of a question to end all this on but I don't have one. I guess I'm just venting a little... this is the first time that I've expressed that I may not be 100% okay with waiting several more years for SRS.

Anyway... thanks for listening.

kimdl93

07-13-2012, 09:19 PM

As with so much of life, there are no easy answers and there are no right or wrong choices....just the daunting challenge of balancing out wants and needs. In this cases both you and your BF each has entirely legitimate but conflicting wants and it's further confounded by your consideration of each others wants as well.

That's a long way of saying that a simple and blunt opinion won't make your decisions any easier. All you can do is wrestle with the i problems until the two of you can reach a decision you can live with. Take your time.

Bree-asaurus

07-13-2012, 09:38 PM

NOOO!!!! I need a magical answer that goes beyond simple human logic and rational!

jaye_cd

07-13-2012, 09:57 PM

STACY B

07-13-2012, 10:41 PM

Ohhhhhhh lord,,,, I cant beleave what Im hearing here ! KIDDS ,,,An SRS,,, What ?? No,,,No,,,No,,,, Little Sissta ,,,No,,,,, Thats out of the question ,,I dont know much about SRS an TRANSEXUALISM ,,,An I never said I know alot ,,,But I Dam sure know about kidds ,,An they are EXSPENSIVE as hell,,, An there dam sure aint no extra $$$$$$ For nothing else after they come . Look at this board ,,Most of the chix that are on alot are 40-50-60-70>>>>>> An I meen the ones that stay on an the young ones they are on alot dont have um yet .So that being said the reason we can get on an talk an dress an do what we do is becuz OUR KIDDS are GONE !!! Before we had to work all the time an didn;t have the strenth or time or money to follow our dreams much less transition to ant exstent ,,Or even dress for that matter ,,Girl when the baby comes your going to have to give the baby full attention . An the whole world will change ,,So if you want to transition you better do it FIRST an then worry about the rest . Cuz unless your just rich as hell an can hire a nanny an have an enless amout of money ,,There aint no way that you can pull off all at once ,,An if you put it off yull never get it done . You better take care of yourself ,,Cuz if you aint happy nobody will be happy . Dont wait ,,, CUz lifes to dam short an yull regret it ,,Take it from a fat girl ,, There is no better time than right now ,,Cuz ends up tommorow never comes ,, Ask alot of these older chix if they could do it all over ,,Not just me just ask them ? Bet they will agree !

Raquel June

07-13-2012, 11:41 PM

Huh? You had an orchie and you're considering trying to conceive? Did you freeze some sperm?

Your sex life is in the dumps and you don't seem to agree on some major stuff. Sure, you've been together 1.5 years. But are you really in love? I mean, you haven't even mentioned how you really feel about your BF and if you want to marry him. I was with the same person for 11 years and got engaged because it seemed like it was the right time. But that was a horrible idea. Because you need to be sure it's the right person.

Women tend to get carried away with their plans for what age they want to start a family by and what age they want to be married, but you need to look at what environment you will be bringing a child into. Like Stacy said, children are expensive and they're a massive responsibility. It sounds like you haven't considered adoption and this is solely based on your BFs biological clock, and you should have a lot better reasons than that for trying to bring a child into the world.

Sure, it would be selfish -- and not a healthy place to be at mentally -- if you were putting SRS above every other concern in the world. But I really don't think that's what you're doing. If you're not in the right place for having a child, you're going to resent that you were pushed into it when you weren't ready. And if you're having trouble agreeing on this you'll fight constantly about how to raise the child.

Not wanting to feed your child formula is a charming idea, but it's not a rational excuse for having a child when you're not mentally or financially prepared.

I guess I just don't know where you're coming from because I don't know how you feel about your BF. If you're deeply in love and just not sure on the right time to start a family, then that's a lighter topic.

Beth-Lock

07-13-2012, 11:45 PM

Ohhhhhhh lord,,,, I cant believe ....

Stacy, at last someone spoke up with the voice of common sense, on a board which too often leans towards the fantasist, so God bless you.

MC-lite

07-13-2012, 11:46 PM

@Bree: No offense, but I wonder how much of what you're saying is driven by your SO and His / Her biological clock.
The desire to reproduce is one of the most intense drives in human nature.

Just a thought...
:Miki.

Kate T

07-14-2012, 12:03 AM

I thought I could be quite happy with my wife without having children. Now I can't imagine what it would be like without them.

Our first child was planned. Ishh. Our second took way longer than we hoped. We did not think we would have a third and he sort of "arrived" so to speak. And I love each of them as much as the other and would not swap them for anything.

I can't relate directly to your feelings Bree for many reasons but from what limited life experience I have had can I say this. Take life as it comes. If having a child is meant to happen for you and your partner it will. You will know in your heart what the best path will be.

Wishing you well.

Adina

Traci Elizabeth

07-14-2012, 12:03 AM

Huh? You had an orchie and you're considering trying to conceive? Did you freeze some sperm?

That's my question too? Unless she (to be he) is artificially impregnated by donor sperm, I don't see how this will work? But if that is the option, then there is no reason for Bree not to get her SRS!

Barbara Ella

07-14-2012, 12:04 AM

Marleena

07-14-2012, 12:12 AM

A happy Bree = a happy family

That's the way I see it.

darla_g

07-14-2012, 12:20 AM

Before you bring any kids into the relationship, how do you feel about this guy? Does he feel the same way about this? This is a real question you need to answer. Would both of you be there for the child? Big commitment, good luck with your decision.

ReineD

07-14-2012, 01:31 AM

Since you ask, I agree with Kim. Only you and your bf will know in your hearts what is the best thing to do.

If it means anything I can share my story about my own kids (albeit without the trans angle). I was in my mid 20s with a husband in his early 30s and I didn't want any. I didn't want them to cramp my lifestyle. I had a great job, so did the ex, we had complete freedom, and frankly I didn't want to be tied down. In fact, I was terrified about having kids (I was never close to my mother and I didn't want to become like her). But, he gave me an ultimatum: we would have kids or he would move on. So I bargained and got a 3 year reprieve. At the end of it, I was no more ready to have the kids (I was 28), but a deal is a deal. So I insisted we take one last trip to Europe and made him promise we would let nature take it's course and not watch the calendar or anything. Hah! Well, I got pregnant right away and he was born a few days before my 29th Bday.

The thing is, that once that child was born, everything changed for both my ex and I. It all became all about our son! Our entire lives revolved around that child and I couldn't believe that I had been willing to live a life without experiencing what it was like to love and raise a child. This is not about who gets to be the mom or dad, or who gets to carry the child (it's only a few short months), but it's about a lifetime of raising this magical little being and being the best, most loving, most creative, kindest, funnest, smartest parent you can be. Oh, and knowing what it feels like to have that child unconditionally love YOU, the same way you love him or her.

So I'd say that if you want a child, and if you're prepared to balance a few things biologically first in order to get one, then I agree this is not something you want to miss. The gift of a child is beyond any words I can use to describe it. And if you're anything like I was, you'll have no idea what I'm talking about until after your child is born. And then you'll see. :)

And maybe you will be able to breast feed. I couldn't with my first child so he was put on formula rather early. But this made no difference. The breastfeeding/bottle stage is also a very short stint in the totality of this child's life. They start solid foods at about 5-6 months and many babies graduate to sippy cups when they're 7-9 months old.

Good luck with your decision! :hugs:

Cheryl T

07-14-2012, 08:14 AM

Keep in mind that you "had an orchiectomy a short while back to hold me over until I can afford SRS"
Children are not cheap. They are emotionally AND financially draining. If you are saving for your surgery you might be saving for a very long time if you have a child.
This is something you must consider as you may not be putting it off for a little while....you may be on hold for a long time....

Just food for thought.

Pamela Kay

07-14-2012, 08:50 AM

My son is nearly 24 now and on his own but I still question how good a parent I have been. I have spent my life trying to be what everyone told me I should be and what was good. I never felt comfortable with myself (now I know why) and I think that it caused me to not be as open and loving as I could have been if I wasn't trying to hide from myself because it causes you to hide from everyone else too. I have really tried to make the most of every chance I get now to make sure he understands why I'm doing what I'm doing by transitioning and to let him know I love him and don't want to loose him over it. He doesn't live close to me now so I only see him a few times a year.

So does it sound selfish to want transition first, maybe, but you have to be comfortable and happy with who you are before you can instill that in a child. My advice would be to finish your transition first so you can focus all your energy on a child when you do have one. As others have said earlier, you will give everything of yourself to your child.

If you don't feel like you are complete without SRS then you may not be able to give all to your child.

Sally24

07-14-2012, 09:08 AM

I think we as a group are way too concerned with being selfish. If you don't look out for yourself, then who will? I love my wife but she is concerned about herself first and me second. If this is a serious issue with your well being then it's not being selfish. What kind of mother would you be if you started resenting your child because of the financial burden that child is putting on you two? And I don't know how committed you two are as a couple but you'll always have to live with your decisions regardless of whether you two stay together or not. I say get this done as soon as you can financially and start the family after you are sure that both of you are really as ready as you can be.

Aprilrain

07-14-2012, 09:08 AM

I'm pretty sure Bree is aware of the fact that she has had an orchi and what that means as far as reproduction goes, but I'd like to thank all the captain obvious's out there who have brought it up.

Bree, since you miss Kate I will be that blunt voice of reason for her, just this once.
Are you ****ing crazy? You have discussed endlessly your need for SRS, you have discussed having potential issues with alcohol, your not married and your broke. Straiten out YOUR life before you choose to be a parent, then adopt.
Just my 2 cents

Bree-asaurus

07-14-2012, 09:59 AM

I'm not sure how you would feel about this, but have you considered adoption as an option? You would be able to get the SRS that you are putting as a high priority, and you wouldn't have the stress of worrying if your partner can carry a child to term. You could get yourself and your finances where you want them (ha! like anyone does that, right?) before bringing a child into the picture. Since you haven't had SRS yet, another option may be having your sperm stored, and try In Vitro when you are ready.

Huh? You had an orchie and you're considering trying to conceive? Did you freeze some sperm?

That's my question too? Unless she (to be he) is artificially impregnated by donor sperm, I don't see how this will work? But if that is the option, then there is no reason for Bree not to get her SRS!

I'm pretty sure Bree is aware of the fact that she has had an orchi and what that means as far as reproduction goes, but I'd like to thank all the captain obvious's out there who have brought it up.

Thank you April! LOL! To everyone who is questioning how this all is going to work... I am not a 5 year old and this has been planned... lol. If my BOYFRIEND's (As I said in my original post to everyone who still decides to say "him/her"... a little respect for our FTM brothers?) internal parts resume function, my best friend will be a sperm donor. If this doesn't work, then we will adopt (granted we get past the bias against transsexuals).

Your sex life is in the dumps and you don't seem to agree on some major stuff. Sure, you've been together 1.5 years. But are you really in love? I mean, you haven't even mentioned how you really feel about your BF and if you want to marry him. I was with the same person for 11 years and got engaged because it seemed like it was the right time. But that was a horrible idea. Because you need to be sure it's the right person.

[...]

I guess I just don't know where you're coming from because I don't know how you feel about your BF. If you're deeply in love and just not sure on the right time to start a family, then that's a lighter topic.

Yes, we are in love. Our sex life is in the dumps because we are both transsexuals and we both hate our parts... and we're both on anti-depressants killing our libidos. Sex isn't everything and what we feel for each other is stronger than that. Trust me, I've been in forced relationships. I think it's silly that the immediate assumption is that a transsexual can't be in love if they're in a relationship. Why do I need to prove this to talk about our future? And we may only disagree on ONE big thing... and that's because I'm just now wondering if I'm being honest with myself. I haven't talked to him about this yet, so I can't even say we disagree yet.

Bree, since you miss Kate I will be that blunt voice of reason for her, just this once.
Are you ****ing crazy? You have discussed endlessly your need for SRS, you have discussed having potential issues with alcohol, your not married and your broke. Straiten out YOUR life before you choose to be a parent, then adopt.
Just my 2 cents

Alcohol is fixed. House, marriage and children are AFTER I get a new job... nothing is happening right now. My plan is/was:

1) Get job
2) Move to ranch
3) Fix it up a little
4) Get married
5) Have child
6) Have SRS

And this is all planning for the future... nothing's happening right now. I just like to set some tentative goals and get a feel for what I'm comfortable with before it gets to the point of making the actual decision. All this is contemplating what will happen a couple years down the road. I want to get my needs and wants figured out so my boyfriend and I can be on the same page for what the future holds.

We've been waiting on marriage because I wanted to get some of my personal issues under control and be totally comfortable with my new voice... and be able to afford a nice wedding. So wedding, child, etc is AFTER things get settled down and straightened out.

But thanks to everyone who responded, and to those who I didn't respond to in this post. You're all kind of saying the same thing... Make sure I'm happy before we bring a child into our family. I was just hoping I could be happy without SRS for now... I don't know. I guess I have more thinking to do...

Xrys

07-14-2012, 10:05 AM

The facts are simple. How can you truely love someone else if you cannot truely love yourself first? How can you take care of someone else if you are not taken care of yourself? You do not put on your child's oxygen mask before you put on your own. You need to make sure that you both are in a place that you can care for a child properly. If you dont, all three of you will suffer for it. Take care of yourselves first, both of you. You may have been together for 1.5 yrs but raising a child is a whole life commitment. Nobody needs to give birth to have a family. There are plenty of children waiting to be loved, and there always will be. My blunt advice is this. You better make damn sure you get your shit straight BEFORE you have a child, or you are ****ing up three proples lives forever.

"i was writing this before the last post was put up"

kimdl93

07-14-2012, 10:44 AM

NOOO!!!! I need a magical answer that goes beyond simple human logic and rational!

Ok...:) I'll see what I can do. First we need a pultice of bats wings and eye of newt. Then, sacrifice a cat...preferrably one of those strays my neighbor feeds.

Bree-asaurus

07-14-2012, 11:39 AM

Quick update before we run out of the house...

I just talked to my boyfriend and we talked about "What if I need SRS sooner" and he understands. We're on the same page.

Jorja

07-14-2012, 12:00 PM

Bree, the only change I would make to your grand plan is to change #5 and #6. As cute and cuddly as they are, kids are expensive. Once a child enters the picture, there is never enough time or money. I would hate to see you not get your SRS because you had to sacrifice it to care for the child. Mentally there could be some hard feelings toward the child as time goes by and you don't want that.

Melody Moore

07-14-2012, 12:29 PM

Wow! Not an easy spot to be in right now. But personally I would be having the SRS before the kids
because as others have said, having kids is expensive and they are very emotionally demanding and
draining. And dealing with kids as well as trying to save money and get through SRS will make life
extremely difficult. There is no logical reason for you to stay pre-op if you are going to to be using
donor sperm anyway. Are you being selfish? I don't think so, I think it makes more sense to get the
SRS out of the way because if you struggle later with being able to get SRS, then how will that affect
you and your role in being a parent & a partner? Personally it has been hard enough and distracting
enough trying to deal with this without adding more complex issues into the equation. But at the end
of the day I truly believe that you have to follow your heart and do what is best for you.
Goodluck and keep me posted Bree. :hugs: xx

Badtranny

07-14-2012, 12:33 PM

I'm pretty sure Bree is aware of the fact that she has had an orchi and what that means as far as reproduction goes, but I'd like to thank all the captain obvious's out there who have brought it up.

L.O.L.

Soooo funny. I was not gonna be snarky in the Breesters thread cuz it seemed like a serious topic that didn't need any smarty pants remarks.

It's nice to see you back on the board and your new avatar is delish.

DebbieL

07-14-2012, 02:41 PM

Not to mess things up too badly, but I would point out that children are a 20-25 year commitment, and they will consume a substantial portion of you resources. The SRS is a one-time cost, and once you complete the transition, you will both be ready to have the children you want, without having to feel that you are sacrificing your SRS for the children, or that your SRS will mean that the children are being somehow deprived.

Private adoption of a healthy white infant is usually very expensive, and even though you might pay thousands - the birth mother, by law, gets nothing, except maybe some prenatal care.

Meanwhile, there are often thousands of children, some a bit older, different races, and some with health issues, who need your loving care so much more, and in many cases the state would even pay you to care for them or even adopt them.

The surrogate option is also good, but is often only slightly different from adoption. Especially if you don't maintain regular and constant contact with the surrogate while she's carrying. And she always has the right to change her mind even at the last minute - and give you your money back so you can start over.

RachR

07-14-2012, 03:48 PM

As Debbie mentioned a child is a long-term financial commitment. It's not a matter of just saving up to have a family, rather it's maintaining an income to support the family. With both of you being trans there is an understanding when it comes to saving money for SRS, but budget as you may, with the bills a child can bring, it may not be possible to save a significant amount of money every month towards surgery. Also, the psychological impact of waiting for SRS even longer will likely influence your abilities as a parent; you already know what waiting is doing to you.
I'm probably alone in this, but there's no way I could watch my boyfriend grow with child and not resent him for putting off my own needs (even with the decision of having a child being mutual and 100% agreed upon). No way could I raise a child and not resent them for the same reason. I guess that makes me extremely selfish, but I wouldn't want an additional constant reminder of why I can't be whole.

Bree-asaurus

07-14-2012, 03:51 PM

L.O.L.

Soooo funny. I was not gonna be snarky in the Breesters thread cuz it seemed like a serious topic that didn't need any smarty pants remarks.

It's nice to see you back on the board and your new avatar is delish.

It may be a serious thread but there's always room for snarky comments!

I'm probably alone in this, but there's no way I could watch my boyfriend grow with child and not resent him for putting off my own needs (even with the decision of having a child being mutual and 100% agreed upon). No way could I raise a child and not resent them for the same reason. I guess that makes me extremely selfish, but I wouldn't want an additional constant reminder of why I can't be whole.

Whatever we do, it's going to be because it's the best for both of us. If we go the direction of making a decision that one of us isn't happy with, we might have to reconsider the future of our relationship. I don't want to hold him back from what he wants and he doesn't want to hold me back from what I want.

---

I've still got plenty of time to think about it... and this is why I brought it up in the first place. I'm wondering if I'm being totally honest with myself when I say I want kids first... I also would like to get SRS done with so I can enjoy life as my 100% self for a while before I settle down and my life becomes all about the kids.

I REALLY want to start a family... even though my life as I know it will end. I just... wish I didn't have to choose between an expensive surgery and a family. I'm kind of afraid of not being able to adopt due to ignorance and hatred towards trans people. If a cisgendered couple wants to adopt, they have to jump through hoops... gay people still get tons of discrimination and a transsexual couple? We are going to get sooo much bias against us. If we run out my boyfriend's biological clock and then can't adopt.... we may never have a family...

I... just don't know...

Chickhe

07-15-2012, 12:22 AM

Having some experience as a parent and not knowing if we could have a kid, I would say... if you feel like your life would not be whole witout a family then, get the ball rolling... I would also consider that when it comes to raising the kid, in the first 10 years or so, its almost a social need for the parents to bond with some of the other parents so you need to be in a comfortable place there... so you can feel comfortable in the mother roll... get that all taken care of because there will not be time after the kid comes... you need to be grounded enough to set a role model for your kid. No parent is perfect, but doing a transition and kid would be like two full time jobs.

Kate T

07-15-2012, 06:34 AM

Don't worry Bree. Whatever decision you make, whatever path you take in conjunction with your partner it will be the right one. You are a lovely person, and I think you would be a fantastic parent, however and whenever that happens.

AudreyTN

07-15-2012, 09:00 AM

I say a new vagina. if you introduce kids, there will always be unexpected expenses that pop up that keep you from getting your SRS. finish one thing, before you start the next my dear. You have your whole life ahead of you to do the raising kids thing. :)

Raquel June

07-15-2012, 02:30 PM

A happy Bree = a happy family

That's the way I see it.

Yeah, and my concern from the first post was that Bree was sort of hinting that she was being pushed into it when she wasn't ready.

I'm pretty sure Bree is aware of the fact that she has had an orchi and what that means as far as reproduction goes, but I'd like to thank all the captain obvious's out there who have brought it up.

Thank you April! LOL! To everyone who is questioning how this all is going to work... I am not a 5 year old and this has been planned... lol.

Nobody was accusing you of being ignorant of how reproduction works! I was just curious and looking for a little clarification. If you don't want to say whether or not you froze sperm or if you're planning on using a donor or what you're doing, that's fine.

Yes, we are in love.

...

Trust me, I've been in forced relationships. I think it's silly that the immediate assumption is that a transsexual can't be in love if they're in a relationship. Why do I need to prove this to talk about our future?

What do you mean? Who's assuming you can't be in love?

You were asking for advice on family issues without really painting a picture of how the relationship is going. At this point you've said you're in love and you want to get married, and it sounds like things are going pretty well and you're just trying to plan your future. I don't have any reason to doubt you.

I've known a lot of people who just weren't honest with themselves -- who were actually in relationship with guys they pretty much loathed -- and then went and had a baby with him because they had some crazy idea that it would make the relationship better. And obviously it just made it worse.

ANYWAY...

If you'd rather get the SRS first, I just don't see why you shouldn't get the SRS first. Like everybody's saying, you need to be fairly financially stable to have the child in the first place, and the money for SRS is really only going to make a couple months difference. Trying to have the child first just sounds like rushing things.

You sounded like the orchie put you in a better place mentally, and the way you're talking it sounds like SRS would also improve your life. So you should get the SRS first.

If you waited till you had the child to get SRS, then how long would you wait for SRS? Saving money will be harder after the child. And when you have SRS you'll have that recovery period that is much more significant than your orchie, and that's really going to be a lot of stress on your BF having to take care of a baby by himself while you're recovering from SRS. I just think everything would be better to get your SRS recovery out of the way before you start having to take care of a baby.

So many tough things to think about, with your BF basically being prepared to detransition and be off hormones for a year, I guess that deserves a lot of respect. And if he's breastfeeding, then that means being off testosterone for a full two years. And people can really change after they have a baby.

I just know if I was in your position, I would have so much conflict. Obviously it would be a horrible way to look at things, and I would hate myself for it ... but I think I might really resent seeing my BF having my child, feeding my child, and feeling like I couldn't be the mother that he could be. I would resent not being able to experience that, and I would worry that after feeling that that he might not want to be the guy that I used to know. Which would be complete insanity on my part to question "how trans" the guy is. I guess it's basically sexism on my part to not accept that a dad can be just as important a role as a mom.

I'm gonna need a lot more therapy before I have a baby...

In reality, I think trans people appreciate a lot of things more than cis people. I think I would be more at peace and more appreciative of getting the opportunity to be a mom than the average woman. And I'm sure a trans guy would be the best dad ever and never want to take it for granted. You guys will be a beautiful family :)

But to get back on-topic, I think all you have to really worry about is reducing the stresses, and having SRS first and recovering would make things less stressful.

Bree-asaurus

07-15-2012, 02:49 PM

Raquel:

I guess I thought your post was a little more assuming than asking. No worries. I apologize if I was defensive.

But I thought I did clarify the sperm situation... back when I started HRT, I always thought I would be with a GM, and we would just use his sperm since we couldn't use both... so I didn't freeze anything. Then... whadda ya know... the guy I fall in love with has ovaries... lol! So if he stops HRT and his parts resume natural function, my best friend will be the sperm donor. A trans family with a pregnant father and a gay sperm donor... the NEW nuclear family :D

So many tough things to think about, with your BF basically being prepared to detransition and be off hormones for a year, I guess that deserves a lot of respect. And if he's breastfeeding, then that means being off testosterone for a full two years. And people can really change after they have a baby.

Well... we are hoping I can breast feed. And his sister, who produces more milk than a dairy farm said she'd be happy to pump and build up a stockpile for us. I've been trying to get my BF to see that he may be putting off something very important that he doesn't need to (getting top surgery). He's probably going to get top surgery before getting pregnant... but he's also considering waiting until after incase his chest develops more due to being pregnant (so he doesn't have to get surgery again... and maybe get a tummy tuck while he's at it lol).

I just know if I was in your position, I would have so much conflict. Obviously it would be a horrible way to look at things, and I would hate myself for it ... but I think I might really resent seeing my BF having my child, feeding my child, and feeling like I couldn't be the mother that he could be. I would resent not being able to experience that, and I would worry that after feeling that that he might not want to be the guy that I used to know. Which would be complete insanity on my part to question "how trans" the guy is. I guess it's basically sexism on my part to not accept that a dad can be just as important a role as a mom.

Yeah... I'm kinda... jealous if he can have a baby. I've cried with him on a few occasions because I can't get pregnant. But I lactate now... so I'm hoping that when (if) the baby comes I'll be able to breastfeed and at least have that connection with our child. He said he doesn't care about breast feeding and he would be more than happy (for me) if I could be the one to do it.

He doesn't necessarily want to be pregnant... but he would like a child that is HIS if it's possible... which I totally understand. I just wish I could have the same chance... (haven't had many regrets in life... this is one of them).

I'm gonna need a lot more therapy before I have a baby...

LOL! You and me both...

In reality, I think trans people appreciate a lot of things more than cis people. I think I would be more at peace and more appreciative of getting the opportunity to be a mom than the average woman. And I'm sure a trans guy would be the best dad ever and never want to take it for granted. You guys will be a beautiful family :)

But to get back on-topic, I think all you have to really worry about is reducing the stresses, and having SRS first and recovering would make things less stressful.

I agree... having a child will be stressful enough. Having to throw trans issues on top of that... oye.

*sigh* thankfully I don't have to figure this all out RIGHT NOW... it's stressing me out enough as it is and it's a couple years down the road...

Anna Lorree

07-15-2012, 05:55 PM

You made me laugh, you're asking the same question many of us struggle with, but in a different way: Family vs. Transition, which do you choose? Welcome to your own version of the same hell that so many of us wrestle with! Lucky you...

A couple of points that I have experienced firsthand:

Having to choose between what is best for my family and my own transition is the biggest source of anxiety and frustration in my life. It has often made me feel like I could resent my family for having to choose. Fighting that is a constant struggle, but I do it because I love them.

If you decide you have or really want to have kids, do it when you are young. They take a long time to reach 18, and you are gonna need a lot of energy.

If you wait until you can afford to have kids, you will NEVER have kids.

If you DO have kids, it takes a long time to afford all of the other things you want in life.

I can't tell you what to do, life's a bitch and it only gets harder when you have children depending on you for 100% of their needs. However, it is amazing to watch the crying, wriggling little poop factories turn into really amazing young people. It's also the closest thing to immortality we get on this plane of existence.

Anna

Miranda-E

07-16-2012, 02:07 PM

If you are not absolutely happy, your family will have no chance for happiness. It may stay together, but no one will enjoy. Please take of yourselves first. Get your lives straightened out and on track, and then make decisions with what you have available to work with. There are a lot of wonderful children out there waiting for the right person to love them.

Barbara

this is the blunt truth. you may hold out for what could be, or you can continue on and be happy.
I won't sugar coat the adoption thing, its going to be a hard road. Just the custody battle for my step son after my marriage was a 18 month court nightmare and my husband is the biological father.

Edit: nothing was off topic

Beth-Lock

07-17-2012, 08:53 AM

... a child is a long-term financial commitment. ... budget as you may, with the bills a child can bring, it may not be possible to save a significant amount of money every month towards surgery.

The old-fashioned, responsible thing is to make sure that you and your partner, (despite the financial penalties of being trans, for example), have a substantial enough income to raise a child in circumstances better than poverty. I am surprised that no one has pointed that out. I never had children, firstly, because I never had a decent enough, secure income, at any point in my life, though I was never on welfare, unemployment, or a disability pension. First thing is to get the financial thing taken care of, which should include not just decent jobs, but substantial savings in the bank, which would mean you have a real and immediate choice as to whether to put that money into SRS, or anything else.

Bree-asaurus

07-17-2012, 11:07 AM

The old-fashioned, responsible thing is to make sure that you and your partner, (despite the financial penalties of being trans, for example), have a substantial enough income to raise a child in circumstances better than poverty. I am surprised that no one has pointed that out. I never had children, firstly, because I never had a decent enough, secure income, at any point in my life, though I was never on welfare, unemployment, or a disability pension. First thing is to get the financial thing taken care of, which should include not just decent jobs, but substantial savings in the bank, which would mean you have a real and immediate choice as to whether to put that money into SRS, or anything else.

I think you missed a few posts. You know... the ones where I said nothing is happening until we have better jobs and are stable... that this is a few years down the road... And what do taxpayer's have to do with anything? I'm self sufficient and haven't implied otherwise.

Nicole Erin

07-17-2012, 12:57 PM

I might get verbally sodomized for asking this question but -
With the whole wanting to transition and have this family etc, are you sure you are not just daydreaming of some kind of "ideal, normal" life?

Suppose all does go according to plans. You both transition, are financially stable, etc...
Sooner or later the kid(s) will go to school and the problem is - kids DO get teased if they have a parent who is GLBT.
I mean the only way you could avoid that is either home schooling or if the kids or anyone else didn't know you and your SO were TS. If any kid knows, they will talk. They talk about "acceptance" and all that crap but it is a whole nuther ballgame when we are talking about how your kid's friends will treat them.

Also with kids in general, you have no clue what raising kids is like (unless you have actually raised your own, full time). Sure one expects the late night crying when they are hungry/want to play/need diaper change but that is just the beginning. These days kids go to school and the schools are REAL quick to want to label kids as having learning disabilities. The words Autism, Asperbers, ADD, ADHD etc get tossed around very liberally. So then they want to get psychs involved, put the kids on meds to prevent them from acting like, well, kids.

Before i had a kid, I imagined it to be like "leave it to beaver" where sometimes my kid might mess up, I would calmly talk to him, he would understand, hugs would be exchanged and the world was happy. OoOoOhHhHh no! Kids talk back, make the SAME mistakes repeatedly, piss off the neighbors, etc...

Having kids is NO ray of sunshine. it is a nightmare that you cannot begin to imagine til you do it.

Bree-asaurus

07-17-2012, 01:12 PM

I might get verbally sodomized for asking this question but -

Yeah... prepare yourself... lol

With the whole wanting to transition and have this family etc, are you sure you are not just daydreaming of some kind of "ideal, normal" life?

Umm... yeah... no. If I wanted a normal life, I wouldn't be moving out into the middle of bum-**** nowhere, on a ranch with all kinds of animals and attempting to live a self-sustaining lifestyle. I'm not normal by any means and I don't plan to be. I am QUITE happy being on the fringe of everyday people. And you know what? I make friends really easily with who I am and I'm not about to change who I am to simply fit in.

I've wanted kids for a long time. I have two nephews that I adore and a non-blood niece that I miss horribly after that 'family' decided I was too trans for them. Other people's kids are always easier and I'm aware of that. Just because it's difficult doesn't mean it isn't worthwhile (hrmm... that seems kind of familiar...).

Suppose all does go according to plans. You both transition, are financially stable, etc...
Sooner or later the kid(s) will go to school and the problem is - kids DO get teased if they have a parent who is GLBT.
I mean the only way you could avoid that is either home schooling or if the kids or anyone else didn't know you and your SO were TS. If any kid knows, they will talk. They talk about "acceptance" and all that crap but it is a whole nuther ballgame when we are talking about how your kid's friends will treat them.

Yeah... so let's tell all gays, lesbians and trans couples to not have kids. Oh, and if our kid shows any kind of deficiencies when he's young, we'll just trade him up for a stronger, smarter, more handsome boy (can't have a girl... that would be even worse, right?!) so he won't get bullied for the myriad of other reasons children pick on each other. Heck! Maybe we can raise our bad*** kid to be a bully so we don't have to worry about him getting picked on!

Also with kids in general, you have no clue what raising kids is like (unless you have actually raised your own, full time). Sure one expects the late night crying when they are hungry/want to play/need diaper change but that is just the beginning. These days kids go to school and the schools are REAL quick to want to label kids as having learning disabilities. The words Autism, Asperbers, ADD, ADHD etc get tossed around very liberally. So then they want to get psychs involved, put the kids on meds to prevent them from acting like, well, kids.

Before i had a kid, I imagined it to be like "leave it to beaver" where sometimes my kid might mess up, I would calmly talk to him, he would understand, hugs would be exchanged and the world was happy. OoOoOhHhHh no! Kids talk back, make the SAME mistakes repeatedly, piss off the neighbors, etc...

Having kids is NO ray of sunshine. it is a nightmare that you cannot begin to imagine til you do it.

To bring back a term from the '90s... DUH

:D

kimdl93

07-17-2012, 01:51 PM

For the record, no one is issued a parenting manual. The best thing for a kid is to have a parent or parents that love them. Everything else will fall into place after that. Sure, you need to be able to provide, in addition to the basics of food/clothing/shelter, a sense of direction and reasonable boundaries that adjust as a child grows older. There are more and more "unconventional" couples raising kids all the time. Maybe some neanderthals will find out and tease your child, as I'm sure has happened to many others, but the key is to instill enough self-esteem in the child that they can deal with the many adversities (real and imagined) that come along with growing up.

And I've had a hand in raising four kids...two sons, and two stepdaughters. Despite all the kids having to contend with broken marriages...and the knowledge that dad is a cross dresser....they have all grown into really great, talented, out-going, friendly and professionally successful people. They were, and remain a source of light and happiness in my life.

kellycan27

07-17-2012, 03:37 PM

Bree
I totally get where you're coming from. I too adore children and always dreamed of having a family. Our target date was also 3 years from the time we got married. 7 months after we got married we suddenly found ourselves the care takers of not one but two kids, aged four and one. After caring for these two for 6 months their father ( lifer in the military) surrendered his parental rights, and allowed us to legally adopt them. ( really long story ) Just about every friend I have thought we were crazy for taking on such a responsibility. We practically had zero experience in child rearing, but... what new parent does? This month will be our one year anniversary having these kids. Yup they're an expense, and they do disrupt practically every aspect of our lives, but you adapt the best you can. I wouldn't trade being a mom for all the tea in China.
That being said and getting back to your question of having kids or SRS first.. There are a couple of reasons that I personally would suggest SRS first. Reason number one being that you might be in a better place emotionally. I think that having to deal with transition "and" child rearing at the same time could exact a very heavy toll on you "and" your relationship with you SO. It's a hard life as you already know, why stack the deck?
Secondly, and I haven't seen this mentioned yet. SRS is a real game changer. I have seen mind sets and priorities change after someone has had SRS and I have seen what seemed to be good relationships tank. Once the mind and body are congruent things can change..... Just something to think about. That being said.. I know what it's like want to be a mom and I hope that you are able to fulfill that dream of yours.

Kel

Laurie Ann

07-17-2012, 05:05 PM

Bree the main theme I see is if mama ain't happy nobody is happy. I waited until I was in my fifties to begin my transition because I wanted our children grown and living useful lives mission accomoshed. The price I paid was too great for me to bear attempted suicide and also was not a very happy camper in hindsight I should have started 20 years ago. I was totally unaware that I was not a perverted freak I impacted too many lives to the negative so I believe you need to take care of your deepest need first before anything on that list is touched

Kaz

07-17-2012, 05:28 PM

OK... I know we are all obsessed with ourselves.. and Bree I love you to bits for all the right reasons BUT... I have three daughters... bringing these chicks up has been amazingly demanding... are you really up for this. They are not ornaments, trophies, 'must haves'... they are people... and this needs to thought through... even if they are adopted... This is a life commitment and believe me it changes your life forever. SRS or Kids?

I can see the humour in there, but I can also see the potential pain. For you it doesn't matter physically... after an orchie, your offspring will be getting someone else's genes not yours... the difference then is between adoption and your partners desire to be a physical mum (as in 50% of the genes are hers)... and she/he may want to go through the experience before the change?

Hmmm life choices! There is a risk that she will give birth and want to stay a mum and not transition... but I have no idea on the statistics on that. Just my thought I guess... Strange things happen to women in childbirth... their perspectives shift... for all the right reasons!

Kel... spot on!

Bree-asaurus

07-17-2012, 05:50 PM

OK... I know we are all obsessed with ourselves.. and Bree I love you to bits for all the right reasons BUT... I have three daughters... bringing these chicks up has been amazingly demanding... are you really up for this. They are not ornaments, trophies, 'must haves'... they are people... and this needs to thought through... even if they are adopted... This is a life commitment and believe me it changes your life forever. SRS or Kids?

It's not SRS OR kids... it's which is higher priority for me to want first in my life. Trophies? Commitments? Did you read my previous replies? lol...

I can see the humour in there, but I can also see the potential pain. For you it doesn't matter physically... after an orchie, your offspring will be getting someone else's genes not yours... the difference then is between adoption and your partners desire to be a physical mum (as in 50% of the genes are hers)... and she/he may want to go through the experience before the change?

HIS! HIS! HIS! He's been on Testosterone and full-time for a couple years.

Hmmm life choices! There is a risk that she will give birth and want to stay a mum and not transition... but I have no idea on the statistics on that. Just my thought I guess... Strange things happen to women in childbirth... their perspectives shift... for all the right reasons!

I... don't think so... lol. And again... HE... not she.

Kel... spot on!

That, I can agree with!

Maddie22

07-17-2012, 10:10 PM

I thought I might point out two points that people have not brought up:

A.) I have seen articles that it could be possible in the future that a trans-woman could actually carry a child. There are limited studies and research as well as a couple of different methods that may work. One is the use of stem cells. I don't know how reliable these articles are (just did a quick google search and got this link, but have seen other articles besides this one) but it may be something to consider.

http://www.secondtype.info/pregnant.htm

B.) The one thing that I've always feared in regards to medical help in pregnancy (doesn't matter if it's cis gender with artificial insemination, or egg donors, etc...) is the limited amount of studies there are in regards to higher risks of complications with the child. When I googled for the above point I did see this article pretaining to a trans-man's pregnancy.

http://www.secondtype.info/pregnant.htmhttp://abcnews.go.com/Health/story?id=4528852&page=1

I don't want to cause any controversy here by bringing these two points up. Just additional information to think about, and to ask questions to medical professionals when ever the time is appropriate.

Nicole Erin

07-17-2012, 11:20 PM

Bree, I will say I was married and we had a kid of course my marriage turned out bad. So in that aspect, I am kind of biased against marriage and having kids.

I think if you two DO have kids, it may well turn out better than a lot of straight/normal couples cause for you two it will be a bigger battle to have kids on count of your orchi and your SO's HRT and being a trans man...
Most babies come from a GG and GM messing around carelessly. Since you two would have to more carefully plan for this, perhaps it will be more rewarding.

But yeah it still stands though that when you have kids (being ANY type of family) thw whole damned world acts like you are a bad parent and the school system, being the pricks they are, are just OUT to label kids with the latest watered down term for "down's syndrome". I have a theory as to why they are doing this today - People with disabilities can be paid LESS than minimum wage so they are probably trying to prepare the new generation to be slaves worse than even OUR generation.
BUT that has nothing to do with "SRS or Family".

SRS is small compared to raising kids so I say go for that first. Not that I have had it but even so, I know it has to be less a big deal than raising a kid.