thats a guy

[Badtranny]

So yesterday I'm at UCSF looking at a project and meeting with the client. I finish my meeting and seen everything I need to see so I go sit in the hall and fire up my laptop while my PM finishes up his business. As I'm sitting there I notice a couple of nurses walking down the hall. I didn't really look at them but I did notice that they kind of slowed down as they passed me. I would have looked up and smiled but I was right in the middle of something so they passed and as they turned the corner just a few steps away, I heard one of them whisper "that's a guy".

The other one said a little louder (they were both around the corner and out of site by now) "REALLY?" "NO"

I suppose I should be happy that one of them was surprised at the notion, but that whisper is still ringing in my head at 3:12 in the morning.

I just posted something the other day about the difficulty of passing 100% and this experience pretty much puts a point on it. I am full time. I am legally a woman as of July 12th. I have been on HRT for over 2 years. I have had FFS, an Orchi, and breast augmentation, yet I still do not pass all of the time. I apparently can't even pass while sitting in a chair with a computer in my lap.

Somebody recently called me mean, well let me tell you something about being mean. Life is mean. Real life is even meaner. Transitioning is a rough and ugly process and unless you are doing it you do NOT know. I thought I knew what I was getting into but I did not. I am in my third year of transition and in many ways I'm still as frustrated as I was in year one. Today I sit and wonder if I will always endure whispers. Will I never fade into life? Will I always be a spectacle?
Is this as good as it gets?

For those that bristle at being "just" cross dressers, count yourself lucky. Being a TS is no picnic. Every ounce of joy is paid for with a pound of pain. I don't regret my transition, on the contrary I am even prouder of what I am willing to endure for the privilege of freedom. It hurts and I cry but at least I'm not hiding anymore. At the end of the day I at least have self respect, and some days that's enough.

[Gizmo, Debbie]

Some people are just too darned nosey and judgmental of others, looking for the smallest "flaw" in somebodys presentation.
But you are right. No ammount of hormones and surgery can gaurantee 100% "passing 100% of the time.
As you say also. It's more important about how you feel about yourself than how others feel about you.

You look great too me. smiles and hugs.

[Beth-Lock]

Someone recently called me mean, well let me tell you something about being mean. Life is mean. Real life is even meaner. Transitioning is a rough and ugly process and unless you are doing it you do NOT know. I thought I knew what I was getting into but I did not. I am in my third year of transition and in many ways I'm still as frustrated as I was in year one. ....Is this as good as it gets?

.... Being a TS is no picnic. Every ounce of joy is paid for with a pound of pain. I don't regret my transition, on the contrary I am even prouder of what I am willing to endure for the privilege of freedom. It hurts and I cry but at least I'm not hiding anymore. At the end of the day I at least have self respect, and some days that's enough.

Right on! I have been grappling with this problem too, having gone full-time a bit more than three years ago. Now, even though I have had GRS, it seems that if anything it complicates rather than solving the problem.

Years ago, I pondered how in the bad old days, trans like many eccentrics and freaky looking people, would only come out to show themselves in the relative obscurity of the twilight of artifiical light, at night.
Luckily, society is a bit more tolerant now.

I asked my counsellor about passing in situations like the woman's washrom, and she told me of the genetic women who are kicked out of the women's washroom by the other women in there because they do not look feminine enough, and how one woman, in desperation, pulled up her top in self-humiliation, to show her breasts to try and prove she was a real woman. (I have never had that problem myself, but it is illustrative of my point.) And then there are the women who get 'sirred,' especially over the phone because their voice is a ltttle too deep, buit also someimes in person too. Not much to do about that but put up with the annoyance, or work on your voice harder.

Perhaps it is time our side of the trans story is told, rather than suppressed in favour of feel good stories and and ponding of how many pairs of pink panties are enough.

The victims of the lopsided, rigourously optimistic, 'you can do it ' approach to transition, are those who look so little ilike women from the get-go, that they cannot even pass at the best of times. Boy, are they ever being set up for a lifetime of heartache. There are as always, consequences of not telling the absolute and whole truth scrupulously, aren't there?

And, for those who naively think they have the answer, don't bother givng me any more advice! You will just end up parading your ignorance.

[Kathryn Martin]

I have found that passing is often related to confidence. Many of us have a jawline that can at times and from specific angles be a give away even after ffs. The nurse was very insensitive, which is somewhat unexpected given their work environment. Similar situations have happened to me and I always react by saying to the person "excuse me?" As Beth Lock mentioned phone contact is often very difficult. I cannot possibly count the times when I had to correct people over the phone. I have told people things like "yes I have a freakishly low voice" and such things but I always correct them.

Being 6'4" requires me to dress quite feminine, I am one of those that cannot wear t shirts out simply because it tends to emphasize my lack of a tiny waist and the missing fat deposits on my hips.

With SRS completed I at least have the knowledge that if I whipped down my pants everyone would be greatly embarrassed.:D:devil::o

[Dawn cd]

Life is not mean, Melissa, but sometimes people are—and even then, only some people. How many others pass you by every day and accept you totally as a women? Looking at you, I would guess most people. I'm not sure even those nurses were being "mean" in the sense of being cruel. They were simply insensitive...and their words hurt...because you are still a new woman, and not everything is healed yet. Most of us here look up to you and honor you as a lovely, strong women. You are the kind of woman we would like to be. So be proud...and be healed.

[morgan51]

Sorry you are feeling bad today. I hope one day I can be as feminine as you are. That would make my presentation sooooo much more acceptable. Like others have said here I can't see male when I look at your picture, It just isn't there. Transition sure requires a thick skin and huge resolve, and I'm nowhere as far along as you. I think you look fab. Hugs.

[Pamela Kay]

Maybe I'm looking at it all wrong Melissa but I didn't take it that you were read exactly. I took it that someone, probably the friend of a friend of and accaintance, told someone at some point that you were trans and she felt like she had to share it too. There are very few communication methods on this planet that can convey information faster than a gossip. This is why so many of us move to different areas and get new jobs to try and start fresh and avoid the rumor mill. When you transition in place there is no telling who knows and who will tell who.

I have been amazed in the past how many times I have heard a rumor or gossip about someone from a source I would never have guessed it would have come from. I've even had one myself recently that came from a source that was in a totally different town that I would never have even considered finding out anything, and it was wrong of course on top of that.

So please don't take it that you were "read" outright. You look wonderful and I don't see anything that says guy about you. Your FFS experience and results, along with some others here, are one of the big reasons I'm going to Dr. Cardenas in October.

You're a beautiful woman Melissa, don't just take for granted that you were read when you could have been outed for a reason that you have absolutely no control over.

[STACY B]

I think the only DAM reason they said anything is becuz someone told um that you were ,,Cuz I dam sure cant see it ! I think your BEAUTIFUL !! An if I were there I would Protect You my Queen ,,, Cuz I am not on HRT an still have alot of testosterone left ,,,lol,,, An I wouldn't let those folks talk trash to my lovely !! So just keep strong an dont let a bunch of Jerry Springer guest spoil your day . You got the world by the tail ,,You know who you are !!!

[Krististeph]

Hi Melissa, sorry to hear about that. Any possibility they might have said simply out of being surprised? When I notice TS in public, i'm often torn between wanting to say hello as an encouragement, or just to mind my own... i usually just smile and nod...

Hey, you look a more feminine than some of the GGs i worked with. There was this woman in sales, serious asperger symptoms- thought her pooh didn't stink.

Yes, life will be better- right now you may be feeling poorly, and that's okay to feel like that. July 12 was a big milestone- but the landscape isn't going to change suddenly. It's a let down- i've not transitioned, i'm just analogizing from a lot of other 'milestones' i've reached in life.

No real advice here, just trying to empathize... I've always found things get better after the low points- it might take a small change of view though.

Passing is harder if you don't have a svelte little body, there are plenty of women who would kill for a smaller cute body, i don't see why we should be any different (well, maybe not the kill part).

Just keep thinking of yourself in the feminine, and that's what you are. You can only do as well as you can, I know. Funny though, once i accept that i can't always be better than everyone else- somehow, what i have done seems to be plenty good enough for almost everyone. Who cares about that last 2-5%? You shouldn't.

I still like Eddie Izzard's reply when someone once 'discovered' he was 'a guy dressed as a girl'-- "Oh, bloody Sherlock Holmes- how'd you ever get to the bottom of that one?"

look at it this way too- 80% of those very feminine looking GGs we tend to aspire to look like- they are not is good shape physically, and many of them are not going to be nearly as psychologically capable as someone who has gone through a tough gender transition as you have.

Well, I hope this may help in some way, that was my intent- I know there are no magic words to make someone feel better, but if there were, i'd certainly say them to you!

-Kristi

[Aprilrain]

I had a similar situation happen to me not long after I had FFS, 2 or 3 months perhaps. I was at a restaurant with some other TS ladies and the waiter/waitress refered to me as "him" (in all seriousness this persons gender was quite ambiguous) I was heartbroken, later that night I went home to my BF told him about it and just started balling my eyes out. My confidence was shot for a few weeks after that.

To those who say passing is about confidence I say HOG WASH! I had all the confidence in the world that night. The truth is I was still healing and I was with a bunch of trannies, what did I expect?!

The point is give it time you will heal more you'll look and feel even better. Also I would have to assume that people in the bay area are about 1000 times more likely to have some knowledge of trans individuals than where I live

Oh and if you still have a jaw line that gives you away after FSS I would be having words with your surgeon!

[Sally24]

I asked my counsellor about passing in situations like the woman's washrom, and she told me of the genetic women who are kicked out of the women's washroom by the other women in there because they do not look feminine enough.
I remember when women bodybuilders were still rare and a mall security firm got sued because they had the females "prove" to a female officer that they were really women. One of those things we bring up when people talk about trying to keep us out of the women's room. Some women are just catty and will take any opportunity to make some other girl feel bad.


I took it that someone, probably the friend of a friend of and accaintance, told someone at some point that you were trans and she felt like she had to share it too.
This occurred to me also. You would think with HIPAA that medical people would have a clue but it's still not true. If you are in this same area often, and with your current looks, I would say that it was more of a comment on how pretty you look. Sort of like those internet posts that show a gorgeous model and then ask you to guess if she started out as a male or a female.

I know the reason behind the quote doesn't matter much when you hear it. I'm sorry that people can be mean, and stupid, and selfish and .......................................

I know photos don't show as much as video but I think you current look is awesome! And that hair is to die for! If I had the money, and patience, I would think about seeing if I could turn back the clock on my locks but it's not something that's going to happen. Enjoy the days that you feel especially feminine and try to forget days like this one.

[Sweet Caroline]

One needs a very thick skin when we decide to go out dressed. The reference "him" was not an insult, you were not physically harmed or humiliated in public. All in all you had a good night out. Try going out alone, while there is safety in numbers, sometimes other CD's or TS are the one who give you away. Look a band of Gypsies! LOL

[Michelle.M]

Misty, I feel ya, girl! Even after our trip to Guadalajara I get read from time to time (in my case I have found that it's usually because I exhibit some masculine behavior rather than for my appearance). That's a not-so-subtle reminder to me that my FFS was not a miracle cure and I still have to pay attention to other aspects of blending in as a woman.

But you're strong, babe! And I admire you for that. Still, it pains me to see that happen to you.

I sometimes tell other girls that if they're self conscious about some male attribute I can show them a GG who has it worse. I know women with serious beards, excess body hair, deep voices (Demi Moore) and strong jaws (Kristen Bell comes to mind). I'm 5'10" (nearly 5'11") in bare feet and when I wear heels (and I almost always do) I'm 6'2". My baby sister is 6'1" in stockings.

Let me share a couple of stories. Years ago I was a Navy Master at Arms (Navy version of Military Police), and one of the stops on my beat was the Enlisted Club. One busy night my partner and I were there and Maggie, the club manager, came to us in an uproar because she had seen a man dressed as a woman enter the women's bathroom and demanded that we do something about it.

Not an unreasonable request; this was in the 80's so attitudes (particularly on a military base) were not at all trans-friendly. Besides, if this person was actually disturbing the peace we had an obligation to deal with it. But so far the only peace being disturbed was Maggie's, so we watched the bathroom door expecting to see a stampede of screaming women running out. After that we'd just go in and find the offender and take him outside to question him.

Never happened. We watched and finally I asked Maggie "Where is this guy?" She looked at me like I had two heads. "He just walked past you!" My partner and I looked at each other and back to her. "Point him out" I said.

She pointed at the alleged offender, and my partner and I looked at her like we had never seen a woman in our lives. She was flawless! Beautiful, well-dressed, expertly made up. I turned to Maggie and said "After looking at this person I have to tell you there is absolutely no reason for either of us to interrogate her or even bother her with this. Not enough evidence for probable cause."

Maggie was stunned. "But look at her!" she yelled. "See? Look at how thick her ankles are!" Again my partner and I looked hard at the "suspect". Her ankles were in no way extraordinary, and to be honest this was the first and only time in my life that I ever heard of anyone getting read for ankles. Again I told Maggie there was no reason to suspect that what she was telling us was accurate. As far as we were concerned this was a woman, despite the fact that Maggie was convinced to her very soul that this was a man. Case closed.

Second story. My therapist deals with TG clients (of course) and non-TG as well, and all of her clients know this. One day a client was leaving her office as another was entering, and they passed each other coming and going. As the second patient came in and sat down, she said "You really have to talk to that last patient. She's not passing at all!". The therapist's response - "That was a natal female!"

The moral of the story - it doesn't matter how good you look, someone will read you for what they perceive to be some real or imagined shortcomings. Don't worry about it.

[Ally 2112]

I really cannot give any advice but as i always say ignore the rude people because most of the time they have no idea what they are saying

[Stephanie-L]

Melissa,
I have to agree with the folks who posted that it may be that the nurse already knew your "secret", rather than it being she read you cold as you were sitting there. That was still terribly insensitive and a violation of HIPPA rules, but on the other hand, it would feel a bit better to me. It would be "Can you believe that gorgeous woman is a guy?" I think you look great, and get better with each new photo you post. And as others have said, you are one of the big reasons I will be going to Dr C when the time comes, you should get a commision on referals from him, LOL. Hang in there and keep us updated...............Stephanie

[kimdl93]

One of those situations you can take either way, but your point is valid. Transition isn't easy and sometimes people can be thoughtless and cruel. Part of what you learn to live with. Those of us, TS or TG who venture out into the world need to be emotionally strong enough to withstand these hurts and slights.

[wadevikingfan]

melisa--i think you look great..and i would never have guessed you were a man....in a past life....no way...and why let two guys spoil your happiness.....??? i know i wish i looked half as good as you, and ever other person on this site too....and probably 95 per cent of the women in this world....

[Lorileah]

Mean? Mean? Maybe they didn't read my posts because you are an angel compared to me. I don't believe in pulling the punches although I may not say anything at all if I can't say something nice.

Your photos show you to be an attractive woman. You look great. We know that there are "tells" because we are in the TG umbrella. I think many times "we" jump to bad conclusions because of that. I don't know how many times I have done a double take while shopping. I don't know what may (and I say MAY) have given you away but that nurse either had inside information or a very skeptical attitude

[Inna]

Nobody is mean, in general most, and I stress most because there will be those few, but I will concentrate on the most for now! People see us as they see us, period! THE END of the story! It is as crude as seeing a cloud appear object like, we often will comment about it, but it remains a cloud. Human perception of visual clues is remarkably acute.

However said that, recovery from FFS, and actual process of hormones taking over after the surgeons work is healed, takes frickin long time. Yes, everyone gets red after FFS, especially while still in recovery mode. An increments of fractions of millimeters are composed over long stretches of time, it gets better, slllloooowwwwllllyyy!

Pain is immense, sometime I had serious doubts if making a decision to stick it out was truly a better of choice. But the time had gone by, and rewards came!

You are experiencing absolute NORMALCY of the process, certain angles still give away the message of the past, slowly however, they disappear beyond hormone intervention. It takes good amount of years, for some extremely fortunate, who adhere to strict diets, lifestyle which promotes feminine character, combined with HRT and FFS this time may be shortened, but still it is long and laborious.

Why we do it, because unlike others who take status Quo, and live out their lives presuming that truth doesn't exist, and life is composed of shades of gray, we stand naked of pretense, embracing truth as our strength and pain, tremendous pain as a path towards the essence of love and happiness.
We do it because within our hearts this is the song, the voice, the truth and demand, so that we can be beacons of hope for everyone who seek truth in life and wholesome beauty which only comes through trust and pursuit.

[Jorja]

So much for all that money you wasted in Mexico. :( You better go back and give the doctor h3ll. Don't let one little comment ruin your day.

[Badtranny]

Awwww sooooo many sweet replies to my little rant. It's funny I didn't even remember writing this until I just woke up and read it. Long night last night.

Some clarification; this was the UCSF Medical Sciences building so they were very likely nursing students. I didn't get into that because it wasn't pertinent, but they were youngish and they were in their nurse scrubs. One thing for sure is they did not know me and would have had no way to know my history. Even though I am there a lot, I have no contact with students and very little contact with faculty and UCSF is HUGE. I also don't think the whispering nurse was mean. She was just excited to have seen one of us. I agree that most people are not intentionally mean. My point was LIFE can be mean despite everyone's best intentions. What's mean is how slow the transition process is. It's a slow grind that can really wear on you after a while.

I'm sorry for the cranky tone of my post. I wasn't going to post anything at all about it, but as much as I yammer about honesty and integrity I wouldn't have felt right if I didn't share that experience with the group. Somewhere there is a lurker that might have had the wrong idea about transition and like Beth said, the hard stuff needs to be told along with the fun stuff.

I would probably write that post differently now, but that's how I felt at 3am this morning.

[Pink Person]

This might not make you feel better, but it should. Transpeople are frequently read as transpeople because they are transpeople. Ciswomen who read transwomen as not being ciswomen are correct. Ciswomen who read transwomen as being men, however, are wrong and are being careless and insensitive, perhaps also mean.

For a transwoman, passing as a ciswoman should be considered a luxury and a gift, not something that is owed to them. Transwomen shouldn't expect anything more than to be respected as transwomen. More would be nice, get it if you can, but try to be satisfied with the respect that should come from the truth that fits you.

[a1stephie]

You are beautiful and extremely brave. It takes a special, very strong person to make the decision to transition and live with the possibility of confronting 'that's a guy' challenges for the rest of your life. You have my total respect and admiration - chin up, it's ok to cry and rock on!

[MC-lite]

This might not make you feel better, but it should. Transpeople are frequently read as transpeople because they are transpeople. Ciswomen who read transwomen as not being ciswomen are correct. Ciswomen who read transwomen as being men, however, are wrong and are being careless and insensitive, perhaps also mean.

For a transwoman, passing as a ciswoman should be considered a luxury and a gift, not something that is owed to them. Transwomen shouldn't expect anything more than to be respected as transwomen. More would be nice, get it if you can, but try to be satisfied with the respect that should come from the truth that fits you.

@Pink Person: Very well put.

IMHO, everybody gets clocked. You just have to get used to it. Sometimes, it's done in a mean spirited way, sometimes not.

I was on a train in NYC when three young people in their 20's( two women and a man) were standing next to me. One of the females turns to the other and says "That's a man dressed like a girl!" Then she repeated it about 5 times. They meant me, but I decided to play along. I looked around and said to her "Where?"

She just smirked at me and shut up. Her 2 friends looked at me with a sheepish look. I smirked at them, because I knew that she was refering to me.

When someone says something mean to or about me, I just remember that they would collapse under the weight of what I have to carry every day. Most of them could -not- live as a trans person. You have to have enormous inner strength and skin a foot thick.

"Someone said cheer up, things could be worse. So I cheered up and they got worse." :)

[Bree-asaurus]

I've never thought you were mean... you're one of the level headed people I like on this forum. You're compassionate but you don't sugar coat.

But as for the "That's a man" comment... it could have been a number of other GGs that received that comment instead of you. Some people are out there just LOOKING for things to criticize. The fact that his friend was like "huh???" proves that.

But as those who are 24/7 know, you have to be a strong person to put yourself out there every day and deal with the idiots out there. And it just goes to show that no matter how much effort you put into how you look, how well you pass, if you are trans or a GG or GM, people WILL find something to criticize. We just need to be strong enough to not let those morons get to us.

You have nothing to worry about Melissa... you just keep kicking *** and taking names!

[Debglam]

I know that had to have hurt and I am so sorry for that. The only advice I would offer is that you HAVE to find some way to let that sort of thing go. I have learned, still learning actually, that you can't eat your heart out over things, including people, that you have no control over.

I am so happy to have met you in person Misty. For what it is worth, from your posts, your photos, and from meeting and talking with you face-to-face, all I saw was a lovely woman. I'm not being nice either. It is absolutely crystal clear to me that you are and always were a beautiful woman! You can't fake it. If someone else doesn't see that, F*** them!

Hugs,
Debby

[noeleena]

Hi,

From your pic you look lovely & i cant see how youd be anything other than a lovely looking woman i find that strange,

May be i live in a more accepting county , because as i see my self theres no way in hell i pass or blend in i would expect comments like that because of my masculine facial features yet im involved with 1000' s of people, & not just here were we live
,Even when im in Austraila im accepted, & iv seen many people & talked with them .

& theres just no comparision as to how you look compared to myself over here no one would bother looking at you with the is that a guy attitude ,
i on the other hand expect people to look hard at me because of how i look & what i am.

I am very very surprised & Jos would say the same thing you are a woman ,

Can i offer advise here it concerns me & you can take it on board ,

Im a very strong woman & iv had to work through a few tough issues with a few people yet they will never get the better of me, im far stronger than they are, & its not about hardening up or giveing attitude back its about you as the person,

let this slide over you , you know the saying water off the ducks back the duck just carries on & is not bothered, at all.

...noeleena...

[TV-Line]

Hi! I trust you when you are saying that being a TS is not a walk in the park!
I have a TS friend and she is as tall as me about 188cm or whatever that is in feet and inches 6'2" maybe??
She constantly get too much attention and people are curious and even some are rude.
We discuss this very often.

If possible, I think that you should meet people that lack of the sensible mind with a suitable, but maybe friendly comment. You can have some of those rehearsed in advance so that you can quickly sort out a proper reply.
They will very soon understand that you would like to be treated with the same respect as everybody else.
I believe that it might be a never ending story, but I also think that our society is changing (at least where I live). In not very many years...it will be more natural and accepted.

Never give up and I wish you the best!

Line

[jillleanne]

Stay strong girl! You are correct in stating we have no idea the pain you endure, and my heart is with you all the way. As for the human race, well, it will always show it's flaws to us all. We simply must try our best to educate it and ignore it depending how we feel that day.

[Nicole Erin]

I can see where things could be discouraging. The thing is, you have to get to a point where things just do not bother you. I mean once in a while I hear comments like that or I hear someone laughing and right away assume it is about me. My grief tends to last all of about two minutes.
You just can't go thru life spending a lot of mind on what rude people think. You also have to quit obsessing about the whole "being TS" thing.

Sure sometimes i feel like hell about myself when I dig around and come across photos of TS who (at least from the pics) look perfect. But I still have to live my life.




To those who say passing is about confidence I say HOG WASH! I had all the confidence in the world that night. The truth is I was still healing and I was with a bunch of trannies, what did I expect?!


Confidence doesn't help with "passing" directly but it DOES decrease the probability of anyone giving you a hard time.

[CharleneT]

The trouble with "passing" is that we really do not know if we did, until we don't. Soooo many times I read here people telling tales of how well they pass, when in fact they may not have at all. Rather they are just in an environment where folks are polite or compelled to be ( such as many work places ). I only thing I can tell you is that it tends to get better as time goes on because you become better at "it".

[SandraAbsent]

This hits all of us at one point or another one would assume. I felt for the last six months of being full time that I had the gift of passing, or at least leaving enough question not to question it. What I've learned is this. Some people are just being polite, some people do not know what to say, some people try to say the right thing and get it totally wrong, and some people are just mean. I'm convinced that confidence doesn't help you pass, but it does help you not allow yourself to be affected by the negativity. Unfortunately it's our confidence that can be stripped away from us so easily. Why? Because no matter how much we boost ourselves up, WORDS HURT.

I know that I've only been full time for a short while, but for the first six months I was flying high with "confidence." Then seemingly systematically, one comment by others after another slowly started to break me down. I saw it clear as daylight, even posted about it a bit here. It all really came to a head for me last week and by Friday of this week I was a basket case and ended up taking 1/2 a day off of work to spend time with my counselor. When I describe the icing on the cake, I'm sure you will all drop your jaws.

Earlier this year I was asked to be on the committee for our Pride Foundation as a media liaison. One of the meetings we were asked to attend was a safety training meeting for all the committee members and volunteers. With probably 40-50 members of the LGB(ughhhh T) community present, the woman conducting the training asked me to assist with a demonstration. I stood up and she began. At first she referred to me as "he" and immediately corrected herself, then in a short period of maybe less then 5 minutes she proceeded to refer to me as "he" about 10-15 more times. I was in shock, I was stunned, it was like time stopped moving and I just stood there paralyzed with embarrassment. Upon completion of the demonstration, I walked out of the meeting immediately, I was utterly devastated. My friend Lilly was sitting next to me and is a little (to say the least) more vocal then I am. She pulled the women aside and gave her a tongue lashing. The woman came outside and apologized to me. I then asked her,

"You know me, we've met several times, you know that I am trans, you know that I live and work as a woman, how on earth could you not pause long enough to consider how offensive calling me "he" might be? As "fellow" committee members of an organization putting together a Pride event that will be attended by over 8,000 people we have the obligation to get it right 100% of the time. We are representatives of the lgb"T" community for this event, I hope you understand this now.
Too little too late though. I had been undressed in front of my peers. What really saddened me, is only one person had the guts to say anything about it.

It was one big event in the line of a long string of cases where I had been publicly misgendered, and I spent the next two days in absolute tears. I feel like I haven't quite recovered yet. I feel like my confidence was stripped away from me, and what really makes me upset is that I allowed it to be stripped from me.

Misty, I feel your pain as I am sure everyone here does. Whats happened to you and I reminds of something I used to say and support 100% in my life. And that is "They can't push your buttons if you don't show them where the buttons are." We can't control people, we can only control how we feel and respond. When I came out, I made myself vulnerable. I don't see anything wrong with this, as I consider vulnerability to be a very feminine trait. For me at least, it's absolutely imperative that I do not allow that vulnerability to translate to making myself open for attack, ignorance, and insensitivity. Or in shorter terms, it's vital that I don't let the thoughts of others own me.

Love your guts girl!

[Hope]

I live in Madison Wi. Madison is, a lot like Austin TX, a liberal haven in the middle of a sea of red. I affectionately refer to Madison as "50 square miles of sanity surrounded by Wisconsin." Which is to say, that EVERY form of non-traditional person or lifestyle lives here (one of the reasons I love it), there is a neighborhood here that is semi-officially referred to as "dyke-hights." That also means that trannies are pretty bloody common. Like, maybe once a week I bump into someone I have seen at a support group, or a reading event, or a day of remembrance vigil... just out in the wild.

This is a 2 edged sword. On the one hand, we are common and people aren't freaked out by us (for the most part) I don't worry about where I pee (any more) and things are generally safe. On the down side, we are common, and people expect to see a trans woman ... and know what we look like, and know what to look for. This means I get read a LOT. But I found a while ago... that when I leave madison, and I head out into rural america... it is SOOOoooooo easy to pass.

My point is this:

You were at UCSF? There was sampling error. You are doing VERY well.

[Soriya]

Being a TS is no picnic. Every ounce of joy is paid for with a pound of pain.

This is why you and people like you are among the strongest people walking the face of the Earth. To endure what you must knowing the trials it brings, you still are living for you!



At the end of the day I at least have self respect, and some days that's enough.

That is all you ever need, never forget that! People will always say things, make comments about anyone and everyone. Those that choose to make changes and try and live based off what others say are only doing themselves a disservice by living their lives for other peoples thoughts. You are not!

One of my closest friends is a Post-OP TS and I wish I had more TS friends. Going through what you have and do gives you such a wide vision of how things really are in the world. Being like that myself, I don't know too many people like that.