On selfishness

[Aprilrain]

Personally I think in order for transition to work we need to be totally self focused for about 2-3 years. Of course there are the naysayers who think any amount of transition is totally selfish, I have no time for them. Then there are people in transition who are focused on their transition, as they should be but are also just selfish people, One need not be trans to be selfish! I think we owe it to ourselves to be as complete in this process as we WANT to be and I see no reason to drag it out any longer than need be. As far as I know we only get one life so be good to your self first and then be good to those around you. There is a reason why they tell you to put the mask on yourself before helping someone else!

[Jorja]

You are absolutely right April. There are so many aspects to transition that we do need to become selfish. Otherwise we would lose focus. That is not being a selfish person. That is being the best we can be.

[Michelle.M]

I think a better term, at least as it applies to me, is "self determined". Or "focused".

Yes, it's all about me for now, but a big part of my getting what I need is my being able to bring the most important people in my life along with me. That means I need to look out for them and their needs. But if there is a conflict between what they need and what I need, then it's me who has the deciding vote.

[Bree-asaurus]

What timing for this new thread, April... lol... just when I'm struggling with how selfish I need to be...

[MC-lite]

IMHO, -every- human reaches a point in their lives where self -has- to matter more than others. Many of us have spent our lives up to the point of transition denying our own true selves and our own needs, while catering to family (Either raising one or catering to our immediate family's needs and / or insecurities.) or friends.

Sometimes, you just have to completely break ties with everyone and focus on your own needs. Your true friends will understand and support you.

[kimdl93]

I agree, april. You indeed only have one life and it hardly seems selfish to be able to bring your body and spirit into synch. Sure one could donate the value of SRS to feed orphans, I suppose. But by that standard, there is selfishness in every decision. I see SRS for a TS person akin to food and water. Its an essential to life. Eating isn't selfish-its self preservation.

[DeeDee1974]

The way I look at is that I was totally unselfish for 34 years. I was also miserable. So just let me have a couple years and everyone can be happy.

[Launa]

I have'nt been selfish for many years of my life and it has caused me a bunch of other problems in the process.

[RachR]

I had a therapist that didn't like the word "selfish" so he said it's a "healthy self interest." Makes me grin every time I think about it.

[Badtranny]

Oh April, how I wish we could chat for hours over drinks.

I've been thinking about that concept recently and just as I hit the reply button, something occurred to me. Maybe selfish isn't the right word, because for me at least this process feels like the opposite of selfish. I feel like I'm giving so much of myself everyday. Conversely, I selfishly guarded my feelings and kept secrets for my whole life because I didn't want people to really know who I was. I put my own needs; comfort, security, fake persona, ahead of everyone else's right to know who they were really dealing with. Yes, both of my ex wives had a right to know who I really was. My close friends had a right to know who they were confiding in, but because I was weak and scared, I selfishly kept that information to myself.

These days I am right out there in the lights and I don't have any secrets or hiding places anymore. Sure I'm doing exactly what I want to do, but I don't feel selfish.

Perhaps, it's different for those with spouses and/or families. I am blessed to have no one else to consider in my decisions, I have only me. Perhaps I'm the most selfish one of all. Hmmmmmmmm

[Frances]

I think it has a lot to do with how transsexuality is perceived by the general public and handled by the medical establishment. Any medical condition is selfish. The cancer patient is the only person suffering from the disease, but no one asks them to put chemo or other treatment on hold because the kids are not out of the house yet. As long as the AMA and the APA make it clear that treatment is necessary and that it is not a curable mental illness for the true* transsexual, then the act of transition will always be perceived as selfish. Knowing that it isn't does not ease the guilt we feel (that I felt), there has to be a societal shift in perception.

*Some people are mentally ill or rely on fantasy to escape other problems. The therapeutic process serves to weed them out, but the line is really fine in some cases.

[DebbieL]

Frances hits it spot on. Only in the last year has research been done into the suicide rates of transsexuals, and the rate is astonishing. The reality is that untreated transsexuality is usually a fatal condition. More than half of all transsexuals and transgenders have tried to commit suicide at least once in their lives, and most of those attempts SHOULD have been fatal. Police are now investigating suicides as if they were murders, and finding that more than half of all male teen suicides involve a combination of transsexuality and bullying, the suicide is often triggered by a break-up in which a girl-friend not only breaks up, but tells him that he would never be accepted as a girl, and/or she spreads the fact that he his transsexual - usually in more derogatory terms, which starts new rounds of bullying.

If you know that your child was suffering from a disease that had a 75% mortality rate if not treated within 10 years, and that the treatment would have a 95% success rate if done before the child was 15 years old, and that treatment (HRT) starting before the onset of puberty would increase the chances to 100% success, would you as a parent refuse to even consider the treatment?

Now, suppose the disease was Juvenile Diabetes, and that the chances of mortality were 50% within the same 10 year, and the treatment would have an 80% success rate if treatment was started immediately, would you say, no doctor, you're wrong, my kid can eat anything he wants, I can't deny him sugar, and besides, we can't live without our pasta and potatoes. Would you knowingly and deliberately put your child into the highest possible risk category?

I seriously doubt that any parent would deliberately put their child in harm's way, even if they had strong religious convictions. And if they did, Social Servnices, or Child Protection, or the agency charged with protecting children from abusive parents would step in and take custody and get the child the care they needed.

But Science and Theology are often at odds. Even though there is some good research - politics and theology win out. Even when we know cigarrettes kill, we do very little to regulate or limit distribution. Even when we know alcohol in excessive amounts on a regular basis can kill, we make no attempt to intervene when someone is obviously abusing the substance. When the issue is sexuality and sexual identity, we'd rather let those who suffer DIE than let them get treatment.

[Melody Moore]

I totally agree with you April. It is not selfish, there is a need to be self focused to get through transition
as quickly and smoothly as possible. Sometimes you get the odd person who thinks it is selfish, but I also
agree with Melissa, where I feel like I'm giving so much of myself everyday and I think this is also helping
me to become a much better person and in a head space where where I can feel completely at peace and
comfortable within myself. Even my father thinks I am a much better person & that really says something
to me. There was a definite need for me to stop being so guarded about my feelings and keeping secrets
because living with the stress of living a lie behind a mask was actually killing me slowly and painfully anyway.

Most of the health issues that were really debilitating to me have all improved dramatically soon after going
on hormone therapy. So where would I be now if I didn't transition? So I think there is a real need to be self
focused when you need to go through transition and this is necessary as well to keep the amount of emotional
conflict down to a minimum.

So being in relationships can sometimes make it more difficult if you have a partner who is not 100% supportive.
Having family members who want nothing to do with you can also be a problem for some in transition, but I believe
the best thing to do is stay focused and let them deal with their issues because they certainly are not my issues they
need to be dealing with. This is my life and issues I need to address an I need to live my life for me and not for anyone
else regardless of who they are.

If I don't then I know I am dead. So is that what other people really want for me? So who is really being selfish?

[LisaMallon]

I agree that 'focused' is probably more accurate. But that does involve a degree of selfishness.

We all have different personalities but in mt case I need a plan. I haven't got all the data yet to complete one, but that wont take long.
Now when I'm on that plan of mine, that just means certain things will get put to one side (not my dog though).

Selfish? No more so than people who have a career plan, or a study plan or plan to buy a house or get married or plan to have children.
And for us the stakes are a lot higher.

You can't do everything and you can't please everyone. So be it.

[Sally24]

I think one has to be a realist when dealing with your own needs. Is it a want or a true need? If it is indeed something you just HAVE to do, then it's not any more selfish than a person treating any other medical issue. DebbieL is quite right speaking about the suicide rate and many of those others are suffering with severe depression. You can't really help others if your needs are not being met. I'd say that most on this part of the forum have a pretty realistic view of the present and future. I think guilt is one of the areas that we all have trouble dealing with properly. It is possible to be too responsible.

[JulieK1980]

A person much wiser than myself once told me, "You can't take care of someone else before you take care of yourself." I can see why some see it as a selfish act, but in the long run it's not. Until you are a whole person, and your own needs are met, you can't put someone else ahead of yourself.

[Jae]

Perhaps, it's different for those with spouses and/or families.

I thought I must be the only one who disagreed with all the posts on this thread, until I read the above. I just cannot destroy my wife by transitioning or by taking the ultimate alternative of ending it all for good.

[Bree-asaurus]

I thought I must be the only one who disagreed with all the posts on this thread, until I read the above. I just cannot destroy my wife by transitioning or by taking the ultimate alternative of ending it all for good.

I know in my previous relationships as a guy, I wasn't being fair to my SO because I wasn't myself. I was half a person. I'm 24/7 now and my BF loves me for who I am... but I couldn't imagine being with someone as a guy anymore. It's wouldn't be fair to me and it wouldn't be fair to my SO. Both of us would be living a lie.

I did lose someone I was in love with because of my transsexuality. We're better off apart because I can now give my current SO 100% of myself and my SO can accept me and love me for who I am.

If you can't accept someone for who they really are, then is it really love? I know several transsexuals have broken up or divorced but still care about each other even though the attraction is gone. They understood that being apart and letting the transsexual be themselves is the best thing for them. And then there are the transsexuals who's spouses stayed with them through transition. THAT is love.

[Aprilrain]

I know in my previous relationships as a guy, I wasn't being fair to my SO because I wasn't myself. I was half a person. I'm 24/7 now and my BF loves me for who I am... but I couldn't imagine being with someone as a guy anymore. It's wouldn't be fair to me and it wouldn't be fair to my SO. Both of us would be living a lie.

I did lose someone I was in love with because of my transsexuality. We're better off apart because I can now give my current SO 100% of myself and my SO can accept me and love me for who I am.

If you can't accept someone for who they really are, then is it really love? I know several transsexuals have broken up or divorced but still care about each other even though the attraction is gone. They understood that being apart and letting the transsexual be themselves is the best thing for them. And then there are the transsexuals who's spouses stayed with them through transition. THAT is love.

This is beautifully stated Bree

[Frances]

I thought I must be the only one who disagreed with all the posts on this thread, until I read the above. I just cannot destroy my wife by transitioning or by taking the ultimate alternative of ending it all for good.

Then you are not at that point where you must transition... yet.

[Bree-asaurus]

Then you are not at that point where you must transition... yet.

Yup. Things change over time. And we've all been at points in our life where we wouldn't transition for one reason or another. But eventually (for many transsexuals), there comes a time where you just can't take it anymore and in order to stay sane and stay alive, you need to be yourself. You may not want to put your family through your transition, but you'd rather transition and be ALIVE for your family than not and be dead.

[Frances]

Yup. Things change over time. And we've all been at points in our life where we wouldn't transition for one reason or another. But eventually (for many transsexuals), there comes a time where you just can't take it anymore and in order to stay sane and stay alive, you need to be yourself. You may not want to put your family through your transition, but you'd rather transition and be ALIVE for your family than not and be dead.

I tried my best for almost forty years. When I transitioned, I had been in a relationship for 8 years. Overcoming the guilt was harder than the 300+ hours of electrolysis, but I was spending my lunch hours looking for places to jump to my death. I can recommend a mall downtown Montreal if anyone needs it.

[Bree-asaurus]

I tried my best for almost forty years. When I transitioned, I had been in a relationship for 8 years. Overcoming the guilt was harder than the 300+ hours of electrolysis, but I was spending my lunch hours looking for places to jump to my death. I can recommend a mall downtown Montreal if anyone needs it.

We have to endure a bit of physical pain... but the emotional struggles are the worst :(

[ReneeT]

I think Bree and Jae touched on something important. When i think about the meaning of the word "selfish", i think of it in the context of others. If one is self-focused or has a "healthy self interest" but no harm is being caused to those around us, then the action in question is not selfish. If, however, actions intended for my gain result in your loss, my actions are likely selfish. In the cancer patient analogy, others are not hurt by the patient being treated, and in fact stand to benefit. For a transexual not in a committed relationship, there i likely minimal, if any, harm to those around him or her by transitioning. In my case, on the other hand, i am married (soon to be not) with children. My wife and children gain little, if any, benefit from my transition but experience tremendous loss. My actions, therefore, are extremely selfish. I do not deny this in any way. I love my family dearly, and am only proceeding down this path because not to is not compatible with any semblance of an honest life for me. Like so many things, how you interpret things really depends on the context

[Kirsty_D]

but I was spending my lunch hours looking for places to jump to my death.

I thought I was the only person who did this... It dosent help that I work up a Derrick often in my job!

Since returning from Thailand last week I was considering how selfish I was being in spending the family savings on my transition. It's a strange feeling of being caught in the middle, needing to do it but worrying that your effecting others. In the end I concluded screw the money, my (immediate) family would rather have me alive than have a corpse.

[DebbieL]

For many of those who have gone through the transition, or even just come out, it's one of the most radical changes one can make. It can often mean giving up all of the friends from the past, giving up family, giving up old friends, giving up jobs, home, and just about everything that is familiar, everything that has grounded us. After transition, many still need to create as much distance from their old lives as possible. For many, they finally are able to live the lives they have always wanted and don't want others "outing" them accidentally or on purpose.

This is one of the things therapists often check for when reviewing a candidate for transition. They need to be sure that the candidate can pass, can live nearly full time as the desired sex, and can eventually be willing to deal with all of the consequences, positive and negative, of making the final transition. This is why there are so many assignements, coming to therapy as the birth sex, then as the desired sex, and going through a variety of assignments from nightlife to shopping to going to the grocery store and going to social events. When the therapist is convinced that candidate can function in all of those environments, the will recommend transition. Some therapists will reccommend HRT earlier in the process, but monitor for indications that there is resistance to the transition that could indicate a possible failure.

There is a period, when you are in the middle of ANY major transition, you have that terrible period when you have to let go of everything familiar, without knowing for sure how much better the future will be. I call it the place of total blackness, when you can't see the light from where you have been and even though you know the way back, you can't go back and know that you don't want to. At the same time, you can't see the light in front of you and have to just trust that if you keep going far enough, you will be able to see the light, and will eventually be able to go forward and discover a whole new set of possibilities, opportunities, and a truly wonderful time.

[Frances]

In the cancer patient analogy, others are not hurt by the patient being treated, and in fact stand to benefit.

Not true. My mother fought cancer for 18 years. My father had left us to go live in Africa before she got sick. Everytime her cancer came back, I was shipped off to live with people for months at a time. Sometimes up to a year. I was treated very badly by these people who made it their business to "cure me" of my gender issues. I was physically and morally mistreated to a point where I retreated in my shell and become depressed as a child. Whenever my mother would come back in my life, she would be very supportive of whatever gender expression that I may have had, but the damage was done. I had become a bitter and angry shell of a person. Her cancer came back every four years until her death. I had no father or siblings. She was my only protector and she would disappear to get "selfishly" treated while I was getting abused.

[Elizabeth]

When someone says that you are being selfish, what they mean is that you have stopped doing what they want and started doing what you want. Say loud, say it proud, "I am going to be selfish and love myself". Because I can't love anyone else if I don't.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[ReneeT]

Not true. My mother fought cancer for 18 years. My father had left us to go live in Africa before she got sick. Everytime her cancer came back, I was shipped off to live with people for months at a time. Sometimes up to a year. I was treated very badly by these people who made it their business to "cure me" of my gender issues. I was physically and morally mistreated to a point where I retreated in my shell and become depressed as a child. Whenever my mother would come back in my life, she would be very supportive of whatever gender expression that I may have had, but the damage was done. I had become a bitter and angry shell of a person. Her cancer came back every four years until her death. I had no father or siblings. She was my only protector and she would disappear to get "selfishly" treated while I was getting abused.

Frances,
Your situation sounds like a terrible one. I am sorry you and your family went through this. I was speaking in generalities, and you show that there can be major exceptions

[jillleanne]

You are absolutely right April. There are so many aspects to transition that we do need to become selfish. Otherwise we would lose focus. That is not being a selfish person. That is being the best we can be.
I have never understood how anyone can call it 'selfish', in real terms. To me, if someone has a real need to transition for their mental and physical well-being, there is no selfish anything about it. If someone views that as selfish, to me, they simply do not understand the depth of the issue at hand. That in itself, would be selfish on their part; failing to learn to understand.

[emmicd]

Dear April,
I recently started my transition and also came out to management and HR where I work and I work for a relatively small company in addition to a doctor's office. I am a working professional and I have business relationships with many people within the organization. My employers are both supportive and want me to be happy. In fact my immediate supervisor even admitted that she can feel my pain. Their major concern is that my transition in front of all the people will not be a distraction. The woman in HR asked me to provide a timeline as to when I will be fully transitioned hoping that my transition will not be noticeable as to distract others and to spread like wildfire in the form of rumors. We all know what that is like. So to a degree we may be perceived as selfish as we focus on our transition. I have now come to accept who I am and doing what I need to do to find my happiness. However the people in my life and who I work with only know me as I have always presented and they like that person and feel they are losing a good person. They are very sad about that because they don't know the pain I lived with. So I feel I need to be self absorbed, focused and maybe a little bit selfish. I do not wish to drag people into my transition but it does seem to be an impossible task given human nature and curiosity. I just pray that my transition will be smooth and that I can get through it with minimal disruption. My HR person is trying to time it as to when to inform others and trying to look for the right way to discuss it and share it with others. They are also concerned for my protection and how others will perceive what I am doing. I just want to be able to do it with very minimal pain for all. That is all I ask for as I transition. I do not want a circus like atmosphere. I want it to be as low key as it can possibly be given the fact that I am a very shy person. Thank you for allowing me to express myself on a great issue. emmi

[Karinsamatha]

I don't think I am being selfish about saving my own life and sanity. I had spent 10 plus years taking care of my mother as she was going through her problems. Prior to that it was my father.
So to that end I will ask a question and that would be. Were they shellfish to want to stay in there home for as long as possible? I don't think she, or he was. Nor do I think I am shellfish for going down the road to transition now that I can focus on me.
All humans long to be whole. Be it a relationship, family, or in my case a whole woman in alignment with her body. It seems to me the lucky ones are complete from birth.
It is just that we have a bunch more work that needs to be done.
So until then I am going to hang the "Gone Shopping Back In 2 or 3 years" up and just get on with it!
But when I get back watch out, I am going to have some fun! :D

[Jae]

Then you are not at that point where you must transition... yet.

It still surprises me that there are some people who just can’t envisage that there are those who put others needs before their own, despite how terribly difficult that might be. Maybe it is to assuage their own guilt.

[Bree-asaurus]

It still surprises me that there are some people who just can’t envisage that there are those who put others needs before their own, despite how terribly difficult that might be. Maybe it is to assuage their own guilt.

It still surprises me that a newbie will come in here, act like they're transsexual and then completely slap every transsexual who has transitioned in the face. Maybe you don't really know what it's like. Maybe you're in the wrong forum... the cross dresser forum is at the top of the homepage ;)

[Frances]

It still surprises me that a newbie will come in here, act like they're and then completely slap every transsexual who has transitioned in the face. Maybe you don't really know what it's like. Maybe you're in the wrong forum... the cross dresser forum is at the top of the homepage ;)

That is why Kaitlyn, Julie and so many others left. I may exit soon as well.

[Aprilrain]

My wife has thanked me for leaving her and transitioning. Why? because she truly loves me and wants me to be happy for one but more importantly we were in a very unhappy marriage, both living a lie and both dyeing inside. If one is dying inside then both are you can not have your cake and eat it too. You can not know what it is like until you have been through it yourself. I would argue that every TS here has spent some amount of time sacrificing who they are for the ones they love but only the ones who have transitioned know what is on the other side and can accurately comment on that experience.

[Badtranny]

It still surprises me that there are some people who just can’t envisage that there are those who put others needs before their own, despite how terribly difficult that might be. Maybe it is to assuage their own guilt.

Look, there are some great people who feel like they struggle with gender issues and maybe they would even get serious about it if things were different and that's okay. There is absolutely nothing wrong with NOT transitioning, it's probably the smart thing to do, but there is a sisterhood among the transitioners and I mean the ones who are actually doing it and not talking about it or planning it. We believe that we didn't have a choice. We all tell stories of being compelled to stop living fake lives and to make the most of the time we have left. None of us, and I mean NONE of us ever said that we would have been happy either way. We did what we felt like we had to do to preserve our sanity if not our dignity.

Unlike those that sit on the fence and watch (and comment) we have earned our stripes the hard way. Imagine going out into the world every day, to work, to the bank, early in your transition and having to quietly endure the stares, and the whispers and the looks. This is how life starts for the new TS woman. It takes us years to grow into ourselves and begin to blend. I know this because I am still on the early end. I new that I would need to be tough, but I had no idea how tough I was going to have to be. So yes some of us might feel selfish and have some associated guilt but again, those feelings were earned the hard way. Those who have not begun transition for whatever reason, are wonderful people I'm sure but they are not transitioners. They have not faced the slings and arrows of the outrageous TS path therefore their advice and/or commentary largely falls on deaf ears. We don't want to hear what you WOULD do, or what we SHOULD do. We would love to hear what you've DONE but until then, please refrain from editorializing about our journey or our state of mind.

[Bree-asaurus]

We believe that we didn't have a choice. We all tell stories of being compelled to stop living fake lives and to make the most of the time we have left. None of us, and I mean NONE of us ever said that we would have been happy either way. We did what we felt like we had to do to preserve our sanity if not our dignity.

Yup... I never WANTED to transition. I transitioned (and continue to transition) because I had to. It's hard as hell. I've tried to go back at times. It isn't a joy ride, it isn't all fun and games and we're not children who are indulging in a fantasy. I didn't take this path to be happy... I took this path to survive. And this is something that people can't understand unless they've been there themselves. It's always easier to look at someone else's situation and say "Well, I would have done it this way." I'm happy for people who don't need to transition. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

[Kathryn Martin]

You are making assumptions Jae.

You assume that "others" have needs that would be left unsatisfied if I transition, you also assume that transitioning means putting your own needs before someone else, and you assume that those that transition don't know what difficult means. Finally, you assume that I have guilt over transitioning which I need to assuage.

If you were able to point to one person in my life whose needs were left unmet, point to one need of mine that I preferred over the needs of others, explain how I have shunned difficulty in my now 58 years of biography and explain what guilt I should feel that I need to assuage then we could have a conversation. However, you can't, partially because you are not privy to my life, partially because you felt that making a blanket statement generalizing an experience would be a contribution to a real conversation. My sense is, because you speak about me and everyone else transsexual instead of speaking about yourself, you feel a need to justify and add value to a personal decision and experience. That is yours and you should speak about it. But transposing your experience to others is designed to do what?

I don't think what you said has any relevance to this conversation.


It still surprises me that there are some people who just can’t envisage that there are those who put others needs before their own, despite how terribly difficult that might be. Maybe it is to assuage their own guilt.

[Kathryn Martin]

This is such a dangerous conversation. What you and others have written about on this topic pre-supposes that the world is selfless, and that needing to be whole is a an act of egocentricity.

When I decided to transition I was so fed up with supporting, accommodating, meeting the needs of others in my world with any reciprocity from that world when it came to the central issue of my life. My do or die moment came when I said I am done accommodating and the world has to start accommodating me for a change. We are never totally self focused, otherwise our world would collapse around us. And having a birth defect requires serious work to overcome it.




Personally I think in order for transition to work we need to be totally self focused for about 2-3 years. Of course there are the naysayers who think any amount of transition is totally selfish, I have no time for them. Then there are people in transition who are focused on their transition, as they should be but are also just selfish people, One need not be trans to be selfish! I think we owe it to ourselves to be as complete in this process as we WANT to be and I see no reason to drag it out any longer than need be. As far as I know we only get one life so be good to your self first and then be good to those around you. There is a reason why they tell you to put the mask on yourself before helping someone else!

[Aprilrain]

This is such a dangerous conversation.
that's what makes it interesting:devil:

[MC-lite]

It still surprises me that there are some people who just can’t envisage that there are those who put others needs before their own, despite how terribly difficult that might be. Maybe it is to assuage their own guilt.

@Jae: It's not about visualization, it's about holding out as long as you can before your own health (and ultimately your relationship) suffers. Frankly, I don't see how TSes can even get into a relationship that requires them to live in the wrong gender. The ones that eventually backed out and saw to their own needs are to be applauded for holding out as long as they did, and giving as much to another / others as they did. To Me, that's a beautiful demonstration of selflessness and doing everything that you can to preserve a lifelong friendship, even though you are plagued with an illness that has destroyed so many of us.

You can't judge them any more than anybody can judge you. :)

[Marleena]

There's nothing selfish about correcting a conflict between mind and body. Letting it fester can be deadly for some TS women. When a person is whole without internal strife life starts to get better.

I'm not at this point but I totally get it.

[Melody Moore]

It still surprises me that a newbie will come in here, act like they're transsexual and then completely slap every transsexual who has transitioned in the face. Maybe you don't really know what it's like. Maybe you're in the wrong forum... the cross dresser forum is at the top of the homepage ;)
And this is why I am about 99.9% certain that I will be leaving the "community" after I am post op next October.

The demands others try and put in you in the community is just way too much. And after fighting for better trans
health care etc for over two years then will be someone else's turn to step up and volunteer their time to helping
others. Transition might seem selfish, but I guarantee that there are many trans people who are very giving and
some people like Jae don't seem to appreciate how selfless and giving some of us really are.

I have felt like leaving this forum sooner but there are some friends I have made here who have been in my life
since I started my transitioned, so I want to share my full story with those who have been part of that and then
after that it will be buh bye to the community and time to start living my life for me for the first time ever in my life.

[Frances]

And this is why I am about 99.9% certain that will be leaving the "community" after I am post op next October.

The demands others try and put in you in the community is just way too much. And after fighting for better trans
health care etc for over two years then will be someone else's turn to step up and volunteer their time to helping
others. Transition might seem selfish, but I guarantee that there are many trans people who are very giving and
some people like Jae don't seem to appreciate how selfless and giving we really are.

I have felt like leaving this forum sooner but there are some friends I have made here who have been in my life
since I transitioned, so I want to share my full story with those who have been part of that and then after that
it will be buh bye to the community and time to start living my life for me for the first time ever in my life.

We'll always have Facebook.

[Melody Moore]

We'll always have Facebook.
Yep, I totally agree ;) Xx :hugs:

[Jonianne]

I want to add to the idea of "selfishness". I have a bank account that is ONLY for saving for my SRS. So often, I think we tend to be such caretakers of others that I have never had an account that I haven't diped into to help someone else's "crisis". I will not ever do that with this account. This account is ONLY for Joni. It goes so hard against the grain that many of us have been moulded into, to feel the necessity of helping someone else if we have the means possible, even if it means to sacrifice all we have. That's why it's so important to become "selfish" (if that's what others want to call it), if need be or else we will never get to where we should be.

[Melody Moore]

I believe that it is only those people who are "transsexual" in it's true correct definition will know and have
a fine appreciation about why there is a need to to put oneself first for once in their life. You will find that
most of us who transitioned later in life spent the first part of our lives trying to please other people & make
them happy while sacrificing our own happiness. So why is it that some people think it is so wrong when we
decide to give to ourselves for once?

I made the huge mistake of waiting until my kids were grown up thinking it would be easier on them, rather
than putting through it while they were still going to school. I did this because I feared they would get bullied
if the other kids knew they had a trans parent. As things panned out my relationship with my kids is a mess
now as a result. I should have put myself first years ago and transitioned then they would have got use to
everything a lot better. But accepting their father is a woman was hard when they grew up knowing someone
who was really hiding behind a mask and not being their true self and I believe I only let my kids down by lying
and trying to deceive them into believing I was this big tough macho man. And all because that is what society
expected of me. So for 47 of my 50 years I have given my all to my family & now it is time to live my life for me.

[Pamela Kay]

That is why Kaitlyn, Julie and so many others left. I may exit soon as well.

I am like many others here I'm sure and hate to see anyone who has transitioned and shared so much leave. I understand the reasons and respect their decisions even though I miss and will continue to miss them very much. I've seen, to many times, someone jump into a thread and thoroughly ruin it because they were arguing things they had no clue about with women who had been there and done that.

I'm no veteran and am in the early stages of my transition so I don't post much unless I think there is something constructive I can contribute, otherwise I keep quiet. I have came out to my family and most of my friends, I stood in front of all my coworkers in the big meeting and bared my soul and my true identity, I'm on hormones, had electrolysis, and am scheduled for FFS. Does this qualify me to be a veteran, I don't think so. It's just scary as hell! Definitely not something you do unless you really have too.

I still have a lot to learn and to struggle through on my own but it helps when there are others who have been there to let you know the light is still on at the end of the tunnel. They don't sugar coat it, they just share their experiences and try to help if they can. That's why this is the only forum I participate in.

For everyone mentioned and everyone who wasn't, if you haven't heard it lately THANK YOU!

[Badtranny]

I have came out to my family and most of my friends, I stood in front of all my coworkers in the big meeting and bared my soul and my true identity, Does this qualify me to be a veteran, I don't think so. It's just scary as hell! Definitely not something you do unless you really have too.

This is so huge Pam. Being real and showing the world who you are is much bigger than the HRT or the other stuff. Many people are on the "juice" and get electrolysis but never go anywhere because they can't face the prospect of coming out to the world. What you have done cannot be un-done and that's why it's so wonderful. That's the part that takes guts.

[noeleena]

Hi,

There are very very few of us who have not transtioned because we cant, its not about being a dresser or trans its quite different for us yet there are many issues that are in line with trans yet many are very different in how we see our selfs in our surgerys even homones & our own hormones & how they work. or dont. what makes us like we are,

Even our expreance is quite different, & some times we see things in different ways , of cause i wont talk about transtion as many here do yet there is one thing iv been all my life is in knowing & being a female to woman ,

iv grown, & yet a part of myself that is male has keep me going & given me the strength to get through & being both male /female has held it all together, being I S, is what im about, different, yes,

Our Family is in tack & we are close, iv not lost any real friends fact is iv gained more,

so in a nut shell as a female i took a long time to grow in to a woman who is real & accepted at large in to the community , were we live,

...noeleena...

[Pink Person]

Hooray for me. I'm the bravest best me I know. Being me is hard work. No one else wants to do it. That's why I'm a hero to myself.

I like to pat myself on the back sometimes. Everybody does. No harm done. It's okay to let everyone do it without getting excited. I also like to cheer myself louder whenever I hear a stray boo from bystanders who are not me.