Should I feel wrong again?

[Simply Joslyn]

Its a little hard for me to bring this up now seeing as its made me start to question my being here, but over the last few months this website has been my support group in many ways and I couldn't think of where else to turn. So on Friday I saw my therapist for the first time and we talked about why I was there and what do I look for in this, I won't really go into details. The one thing thats really been playing with my mind is she said is it possible that my feelings of GID developed because my mother never hit my sisters. To explain shortly my mother was brutal to me as a child, as in beating me, no one ever believed me so nothing was done about it, and I could never be the one responsible for calling the police on my mother.
At first it didn't really sink in I guess, I forget my reponse now but I didn't really think about it till I got home. And thats when it started to mess with me, if thats true then what does that make me, some abomination thats been a fool for the last seven years feeling as he had and he should feel that his mother really did screw him up even though hes learned to move past it, theres no love to really be regained there, but theres settling.
The second option my older sister had everything, friends, beauty, and my mothers actual love, the only one she didn't go after in any way out of the three of us. She was smart, lively and always in a relationship, in essence I ever strived to be and also the two of us have an uncanny resemblemblance, sure there are things that set us apart, my nose is larger for instance, but the same features are there, jaw, eye shape, eye brows. Essentially if we had the same hair we could get away with being twins but thats just my opinion. And there in lies the problem, what if since my mother actualy cared about her and let her be able to live her life, I've developed some messed up thing in my head that maes me essentiallywant to be my older sister in every way. And we're back to me being a messed up individual.
Third option, I know how I feel and this thing bringing up my mother has made me feel like an abomination when I'm really not and this feeling I'm having is just me resenting her having another piece of my life to destroy. What I mean by that is because of the things she did to me, I've always been against the things she wanted.

I'm getting all tissied up about this, because well it took many years for me to get to being able to talk about this, and it also took me getting to love this piece of me, and until then I had really begun to feel like I had something special, and now I feel like a fool for beleiving any of that was a part of me and I'm just some person with parent issues. I don't like the feeling very much and I don't like to believe what I've felt for all these years was created by that woman but what if its all true, I know I don't feel thats the truth in my heart, but what if it is.
I'm not sure how any of you could repond to that, its alot I suppose, but any advice would calm my soul if its available, I still have till thursday to see my therapist again, which is really why I needed to let this all out just abit earlier, and if I wasted your time you have my apologies.

Simply,
Jos

[jillleanne]

Hi Jos, you have wasted no one's time. All we all want is to be loved. Hell, most of us would settle for simply being listened to and a friend, and hope for love later. Looking forward to hearing more from you.
Hugs, Jill

[Andie Elisabeth]

I did and sometimes still envy my cousin, both cousins from mother's side of family are close to my mom, that she used to go with my mom to visit my grand-grandma. I envy their relationship because I am still not out :sad:, I am scared as hell, and treated like a young man.

But part of my envy is also directed at time because they took those trips when I was not born yet. I knew both my grand-grandmas, the one I am talking about passed away 8? years ago. I loved smell and complexity of her house. The swallows that had nests under one roof. And when mom talks about it in front of me the envy comes up and directs itself at someone usually my cousin because she is far away.

I understand why she did not took similar trips with me. It's not that she didn't want to but she graduated from Uni and didn't have as much free time as she used to.

The question I would ask myself: Is envy of [insert person] a sole reason why I want/need/desire to be girl or is there something more, more deeper inside myself?

EDIT: Right now I wish I was more like her brother who found himself in art. But I don't want to be a boy because of it. And he's getting Ph.D. because the school he studies at got some money because he's great at what he does. But that's him. I know that I have talent in art but math and coding give more pleasure. That's me.

[Beth-Lock]

The idea that girls have it easier, are treated better, including by their parents is an old theme that does pop up in analysng the background of transwomen. But it appears to be more complicated than that.

One thing that struck me, in the stories of two friends who were beaten as children, was this. The one who was beaten by her father, perhaps because he was perceived as having power, though living as a 'normal' woman since, has had a yearning to explore the idea of being a macho man, though only to the extend of playing one in a theatrical performance once, after painstakingly acquirng the necessary swagger, and other mannerisms. She also gave me a long, persauasive talk on the downside of being a woman, anatomically, when I was planning GRS, as if being a man down there would be a lot less trouble and I should stick with that. It was as if she did not enjoy being a woman. On the other hand, the one who was beaten by her mother, a classy, feminine, smart woman, seems to have taken after her and become a classy dresser, overachieving sudent and enthusiastically feminine woman herself.

(I should not try and make the parallel to your case, but if one see a parallel, this would mean that you would want to be a woman because the person who had and used the power to beat you, was a woman, your mother. So being TG/TS would be a matter of seeking strength rather than shrivelling up, ruined by the evil, weakening influence of abuse, becoming a victim. I don't think you are doomed to wallow in being a victim for ever as result, if there is a truth in this, granted questionable model of character influence. You may not be a victim but my have tried to triumph by embracing the female role model. )

Two cases don't prove anything really, but the parallels stuck in my mind. I guess we can say, the influence of parents if it has a deciding effect at all, (and some would argue you are born TG/TS not made TG/TS), is complex and mysterious. So, your therapist was in my opinion, basing the idea on not much more substantial than the sort of traditional guesswork that this old theory seems based on. So, the iffy theories of how you got to this point, should be disregarded, and you should live in the present an try and continue to triumph rather worry about being a victim. If gender change or experimentation would seem to help you now, you just have to ponder whether it is worth it, and what to do about it. IMHO all this gender change, etc., stuff is a matter of experimenting to see what works, rather than gverned by theory. In other wordsl let it serve you, rather than being a slave to the process and its theories.

I am sorry if I have butted into your personal life too much, but if you think so, send me a private message and I will try to make amends.

[RachR]

Don't feel like a fool for questioning anything. One job of the therapist is to challenge the way you think. Therapist are not there to tell you what you want to hear. You're the one that has to do the work of figuring out what is true to you. Just because your therapist brought these things up doesn't mean that it's right and you're wrong, but your therapist thinks it's something you should consider. I had developed a similar question when I went to talk to my therapist when I was trying to figure things out (I won't get into it here, but you can PM me if you would like). She agreed that it was something that needed to be looked at. For some people GID is very clear cut; knowing their gender is not congruent with their bodies from a young age. Others have to go through the process of considering many options for where these feelings are coming from. Don't feel bad for questioning, and don't let anyone else tell you what the truth is, only you can know that.

[Diane Elizabeth]

One thing I have heard many times from several different people is to quit asking WHY!!! and just accept who and what you are. They have a problem not you. You are just trying to be yourself that was hidden away. I spent all my life being who and what family expected me to be and I just never felt right about it. Yes, I had some envy of my sisters. They had the brains and/or talent for doing things. I wasn't beaten by my parents but I liked to put on the female clothes until I grew too big to wear theirs and didn't have a waya of getting my own.
Take what your therapist says with a grain of salt. Mine poses thoughts/ ideas to me in response to the feelings I pour out in my sessions. They are there to guide not dictate what you should do or feel.

[Jorja]

Joslyn,
It has been my experience that therapist will ask you questions to make you think. Your mother being brutal toward you could very well be the reason for your GID. It could also simply be that you were born that way. Do you feel like an abomination? Do you feel foolish? The past is the past. There is nothing you can do about that. You had no control over what happened. You have to look from today forward. From today on out YOU have control over your life not your mother or anyone else. Do what you feel is best for you.

There is a way to confirm your status. Take some time and be the man you are “supposed” to be. See if it feels right. See if you are an abomination. That is the only way to tell for sure. Either way, know you are someone special. You have lived on both sides of the fence. Not many can say that. Take it as a learning opportunity.

Sometimes life deals us nothing at all and sometimes it deals us a royal flush.

[sandra-leigh]

One thing I have heard many times from several different people is to quit asking WHY!!! and just accept who and what you are.

Asking "Why" is, I agree, unproductive for most people with GID.

Suppose you were, with sufficient investigation, able to determine "Why?", well, then what? What would you do differently? If you determine that it was sparked by jealousy of the attention a sister was getting when she was sick when you were 18 months old, then would that mean that you should spend decades trying to "cure" yourself of it, but that it would be "OK" to be trans if it was somehow triggered by the chicken pox you had when you were 18 months old?

For a lot of us, there is a lot of struggle and angst in answering "Am I trans?", but the big question then becomes "What do I want to do about it?" -- and that question can turn out to involve a lot more struggle and angst. Asking "Why am I trans?" doesn't usually get very far towards deciding how one is going to live one's life.

That said, there is merit in examining what "being female" represents to you, to determine whether transitioning (whatever that means to you) has a realistic chance of matching your ideas. Transitioning does not make you a different person (but it does give opportunities to bring aspects of you to the forefront). Transitioning doesn't buy love. A really good FFS might help buy some measure of physical beauty, but you still end being you and if you are prone to go through life with a scowl then FFS isn't going to solve that.

18 months of HRT hasn't "solved" other people's reactions to me (though I gather that it is now no longer as blindly obvious that I was born male.) It has calmed me down quite a bit. And really that's the important part, living with yourself.

[Shulove]

Hey Jos :) after reading what you wrote I can rather understand where your coming from. One thing however I'm not sure you have been told in a bit is everyone is special. I know it's very cliche but it is true! We all have a role here in the universe, and I think most of us here are still working on figuring out what is is/how to implement it. If dressing up and looking pretty makes you feel good, then go for it! You are pretty, you are special, and you are someone who is unique and important. Don't forget that. The bottom line is, if it's good for you and hurts no one else, then go for it! Btw, message me if you would like to know the horror stories that my father gave me.

Much love
Hillary

[Barbara Ella]

Dearest Jos,

First off, there is no reason to feel wrong. Perhaps uncertain, and confused by new thoughts, but not to feel wrong. Your therapist has you thinking, that is their mission. If this thinking helps to remove uncertainties about yourself, then you can thank your therapist. You may never know why, and as mentioned, no biggie. Question to ask yourself is, if I find out why, will that make me change. Most times the answer is no, so just keep on being yourself.

And what makes you think this makes you any less special in any way whatsoever? We all get where are through a myriad of inputs, both good and bad throughout our life. The individual impact of those cannot detract from the special place where we/you are at this precise moment. Their combined impact has made you special by emphasizing individual elements of your personality/psyche. Your inputs showed you that you are a woman, a very special woman. Enjoy where you are, regardless of how you think you may have arrived. Fact is, you are here, and you are loved.

Barabara