Told my wife - sort of okay not really

[danam]

This morning when we're getting ready for the day, I see my wife in front of the mirror wearing only a bra and skirt, fiddling with her hair. The image strikes me. She looks wonderful. I tell her so. She likes the compliments (I've been married long enough to know that!).

As I'm looking at her, I say, practically under my breath, "I like women's clothing."

She laughs, "Good! As long as you don't like wearing them." ha ha

Without a beat, I chime, "That would probably freak you out, wouldn't it?"

"Yeah, it would," she replies. "But you don't seem the type." Of course not! I reveal nothing.

I stay silent, realizing just how serious this conversation could turn. My insides turn circles. I am not ready for this conversation. Not ready to reveal just how big a deal this is to me. Wow, I am so close to exposing myself here. I stonewall. Just like a guy. Stonewall.

"Well," she laughs again, still amused but ever-so-slightly uncomfortable, "You're certainly not denying it."

Again, I stay silent. This is not the time! There is never a time. But this isn't it. It is Monday morning before work. I'm not going to have a deep, life-altering conversation now. These desires are way, way, WAY too complex and repressed and altogether freaky for me (and her!) to discuss right now. So I'm a statue. It is easy to get distracted with the million things to do on a Monday morning. So we both continue. She with her hair, me with my work clothes.

The conversation ends there.

But the seed has been sown. Ever so gently. I will do everything to spare her a shocking experience of seeing me full-on as Dana, without time to comprehend the depth and complexity of my internal issues. But now, after this conversation, she knows that dressing is not a completely crazy, hell-no! type of idea. That's a start. Just a little here and there, a few hints and revelations over time, and maybe this will all turn out okay.

[Marcia Blue]

Danam,
I hinted as you are, I even told my wife before we married I used to dress. This does not mean she thinks you are hinting about you. I finally just had to have the talk. Hinting is a good way to see how she might react, but she will probably not put two and two together. Wives just do not want imagine their husbands CD.

[RADER]

Maybe ask her if you could "Try on" a bra just to see what it feels like.
It just an idea, but maybe it might be worth a laugh or two, and open a door.
Rader

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Dana, Wait till Friday evening then you will have all weekend to talk about it.

[Jenniferathome]

Danam, you can not hint your way into telling her. It just won't work. She won't know you are hinting until ou eventually tell her and then she will think you lied to her.

Pick your moment and tell her

["Mary"]

Maybe ask her if you could "Try on" a bra just to see what it feels like.
It just an idea, but maybe it might be worth a laugh or two, and open a door.
Rader

Hang in there Dana.

I like Rader's idea. My wife knows about Mary and is somewhat tolerant and even sometimes cajoling or even complimentary. My wife often asks my opinion about things she is thinking of wearing or buying. I sometimes say "I like that A LOT. I'd wear that!" sometimes at home, I follow through, borrow the sweater, skirt or whatever and try it on right there in front of her despite giggles and half hearted objections. Silly perhaps, but it';s playful and I'm expressing it. Good luck my friend.

[Duana]

She laughs, "Good! As long as you don't like wearing them." ha ha

Without a beat, I chime, "That would probably freak you out, wouldn't it?"

"Yeah, it would," she replies.

But the seed has been sown.

Seeds of destruction.

What you learned today was how your wife feels about the idea of you crossdressing. If you want to keep your marriage, you better keep your mouth, and your $hit wired tight.

[Jacqueline Winona]

Tough call, Dana. You're right to take your time with this, it doesn't sound like she's terribly receptive to dressing. But if this is a big part of your life (meaning you want to do it all the time, can't live without it, feel miserable keeping it from her, own your own stuff that you're hiding, etc.), you are going to have to cross the bridge sometime. Just be gentle and do it right.

[Cynthia Anne]

I think the door was cracked open but then slamed shut! Hinting is never good! I say you have two choices, either have the ''talk'' or don't! No in betweens here! Best of luck!

[Barbara Ella]

Hinting is only good for a guick peek behind the door, but it cannot give deep insights. i hinted by wearing bikini panties all the time, even after showering, heading to bed. We did laundry together and she separated them all out. Her only remark was that I had sexier underwear than her. The wonderful mind of the wife is just not wired to make that connection, and this makes the realization once told so much more harder to accept.

You will know when the time is right, and you will have the talk if it is really what you feel is the best thing to do. I wish you luck, it can get very rough on you, and especially on her. It is not as easy as we would like to think for them to make that connection.

Barbara

[SerenityQueen]

Hinting is only good for a guick peek behind the door, but it cannot give deep insights. i hinted by wearing bikini panties all the time, even after showering, heading to bed. We did laundry together and she separated them all out. Her only remark was that I had sexier underwear than her. The wonderful mind of the wife is just not wired to make that connection, and this makes the realization once told so much more harder to accept.
Barbara

I think it is more a societal thing Barbara. People will only see what they want to see. If they see a man, they will see a man, most probably wouldn't even notice the women's clothes unless he was wearing a dress or a skirt and vice versa (i.e if it looks like a man, speaks like a man, walks like a man... it has to be a man).

So the same would be true in a situation like this, the wife sees only what she wants to see... a normal man...

[RachelPortugal]

Maybe ask her if you could "Try on" a bra just to see what it feels like.
It just an idea, but maybe it might be worth a laugh or two, and open a door.
Rader

Not a good idea IMO. This would indicate that it is your first time crossdressing, then when she finds out you have dressed before she will more than likely feel deceived.

You've started the ball rolling with your hints, now go for a full disclosure and work out how you can fit crossdressing into your life with your wife's consent.

[Jessica86]

DEFINATELY do not show yourself to her dressed. Tell her in male mode. A wife comes to her husband for support, and after that, she will need it. Be that man, and comfort her. Answer the questions coming at fifty miles an hour. Encourage her you love her and that you are the same man you were when she married you. Say those words a lot. I know I was lucky. I told my wife right after we married. I wanted to before we got married, but my career got in the way. No excuses, I know. I was lucky to have her shake me from sleep while I was saying Jessica. She thought I was thinking of another woman, and demanded to know who it was. I asked her if she was sure, and she said yes. I told her the whole story. "It started when I was five," and I went through the rest. After hearing it, I cried first. She then did, and we hugged. She said she didn't want to lose me, and I said the same. Then, she told me it was fine with her, but she wanted to know some things. Was I gay? Was I transitioning? Was this something I would do every day? What about kids? All of those things, I was prepared to answer thanks to this site. Now, she fully supports me in what I do. I wish you the best of luck, but from experience and paying special attention to "telling" threads, the most successful way is to tell her all at one time. Some have ended bad. Most have ended with the "It's fine, just don't let me see it," attitude. Then there are a few that ended with "Woke up today and my wife is picking out my dress!" Don't expect that, but don't expect failure. Just be yourself. If you truly love each other, nothing of this caliber can separate you.

[linda allen]

This morning when we're getting ready for the day, I see my wife in front of the mirror wearing only a bra and skirt, fiddling with her hair. The image strikes me. She looks wonderful. I tell her so. She likes the compliments (I've been married long enough to know that!).

As I'm looking at her, I say, practically under my breath, "I like women's clothing."

She laughs, "Good! As long as you don't like wearing them." ha ha

Without a beat, I chime, "That would probably freak you out, wouldn't it?"

"Yeah, it would," she replies. "But you don't seem the type." Of course not! I reveal nothing.

I stay silent, realizing just how serious this conversation could turn. My insides turn circles. I am not ready for this conversation. Not ready to reveal just how big a deal this is to me. Wow, I am so close to exposing myself here. I stonewall. Just like a guy. Stonewall.

"Well," she laughs again, still amused but ever-so-slightly uncomfortable, "You're certainly not denying it."

Again, I stay silent. This is not the time! There is never a time. But this isn't it. It is Monday morning before work. I'm not going to have a deep, life-altering conversation now. These desires are way, way, WAY too complex and repressed and altogether freaky for me (and her!) to discuss right now. So I'm a statue. It is easy to get distracted with the million things to do on a Monday morning. So we both continue. She with her hair, me with my work clothes.

The conversation ends there.

But the seed has been sown. Ever so gently. I will do everything to spare her a shocking experience of seeing me full-on as Dana, without time to comprehend the depth and complexity of my internal issues. But now, after this conversation, she knows that dressing is not a completely crazy, hell-no! type of idea. That's a start. Just a little here and there, a few hints and revelations over time, and maybe this will all turn out okay.

Here is my story, most of it. It's another way of "easing" into the crossdressing issue.

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?170479-Changes-at-the-Allen-Household&highlight=

As of now (it's been five or six months) I am wearing bras and panties full time (except for doctor visits, etc.) and skirts and blouses around the house and around her. We shop together for clothes and yesterday she bought me a couple blouses on her own.

Still to come are a boobs, a wig, makeup, etc.

My point is, there's more than one way to introduce your dressing or desire to dress to your wife or girlfriend. Only you know best.

[SheriM]

My wife feels the same way as yours - she doesn't like it. She does allow me to wear panties and sometimes I will wear pantyhose and a girdle. However, that is all she will allow or wants to know about. There is something that says panties are OK but a bra is too feminine. She said once that she could understand the "below the belt" clothes but not the bra. If I were you, I might run out of underwear and then ask her for a pair of hers or simply ask for a pair to see how they feel. If you are lucky, she may allow more. Good Luck.

[Momarie]

You could show her your video on Youtube.
Aren't you the brave sweetheart in the hotel, going into the hall, then into the elevator and then the fire alarm in the whole hotel goes off?

That was the cutest thing.

http://youtu.be/BmVwwsMu9Ds

[kimdl93]

Well, you certainly didn't deny it...and I'm sure that the ideas are perculating in her mind right now. So what's the next step? Do you have the beginnings of a plan...or a mental image of the conversations that will ensue?

[giuseppina]

Hello Danam

You may have planted the seed in her mind, and she may have missed it. Hinting is not the best way. A long-closed thread about how to tell your partner is here:

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?13841-How-to-tell-your-partner&highlight=

[Eryn]

IMO, dancing around the issue is just a way of putting it off for another day. You're also sowing seeds of distrust by engaging in what might later be viewed as guessing games.

If you're serious about this you should wait for an appropriate time, sit her down, and say "Dear, I have something important that's been bothering me and that I think that we need to talk about." Then do it.

[danam]

Thank you for the advice. I would like her to figure it out naturally, with gradually escalating hints, but apparently that isn't very effective, as several of you pointed out. I understand now that wives and girlfriends just aren't inclined to put those hints together, since dressing is a pretty dramatic thing that they aren't really thinking about. I will have to be more direct.

My intense hesitation is because I am uncomfortable in general speaking about sexual issues--goes back to childhood unfortunately. Even the regular stuff. And dressing is an extreme issue for me. Very extreme. Like ultra heavily repressed stuff that a psychoanalyst could finance a house using the proceeds from appointments type of issues. So it isn't a simple case of, Tell her now you sneaky *******. So I appreciate the many replies that didn't digress to that! :)

[AnitaH]

I must agree with most here that wives just don't make the connection. I also agree that should/when you tell her you do it in male mode it can be too much of a shock for a woman to see her man dressed as a woman. Even with hints like these you can never be totally sure of the outcome of "the talk". But I am still of the persuasion that it's better to come out and tell her than for her to find out any other way. She's less likely to feel betrayed and lied too. But only you can decide what is appropriate in your circumstance.

Wishing you luck and all the best

AnitaH

[Marie GG]

Danam, you can not hint your way into telling her. It just won't work. She won't know you are hinting until ou eventually tell her and then she will think you lied to her.

Pick your moment and tell her

Jennifer put it really well here.
The hinting doesn't really mean anything to most of us GG's. Suspecting that you husband crossdresses is one of the last things you would ever get from most hints. One thing that made me really mad when I found out was that he said, "Well I never said I didn't, so technically I didn't lie about it." It is lying by omission.

When he told me, there were hints, and little pieces that snowballed into finding out about his part time crossdressing. I never would have guessed and didn't read any of the hints the way he imagined I did. When they come as little pieces like that it makes it seem like it is escalating rapidly and GG's like me can wonder "Good God! What next?!" It seems like there is always something more that you haven't told us yet. It is best to get it all out in one conversation. Judging from her reaction it probably won't go well at first, if at all. But it is better that you are honest and tell her instead of her finding you dressed one day. That most likely would not go over well at all. Good luck.

[XCaseyX]

IMO, dancing around the issue is just a way of putting it off for another day. You're also sowing seeds of distrust by engaging in what might later be viewed as guessing games.

If you're serious about this you should wait for an appropriate time, sit her down, and say "Dear, I have something important that's been bothering me and that I think that we need to talk about." Then do it.I agree, dancing around issues can cause more trouble in the end, setting up a time, and doing it may be the better option in the long run.