A tale of two sides

[Frédérique]

“Side by side in silence... They pass away the day...
So comfortable, so habitual... And so nothing left to say...” (Robert Smith)

You often read about someone having a “feminine side,” and SHE has to come out from her hiding place if the person is to be truly happy. I guess that, for some, this is a good way to describe a difficult-to-understand concept like the urge to crossdress – “I’m a male, but I have a female side.” Fair enough. I hate to mention society again, but I think the way things are forces us to justify certain yearnings – society creates an atmosphere where a female “side” has to be created, cultivated, and then sent into hiding, especially if you’re a male by birth and not TG by definition...

The way I see it, SHE needs to be protected, for she is very precious, a large part of the psyche that exists in varying degrees in EVERYONE. Many ignore her. I don’t feel I have a female “side,” probably because I know that M and F are mixed thoroughly, and it’s all about varying degrees of visibility. If I’m sitting in a chair watching TV, I cross my legs whether I’m dressed or not, I affect the same mannerisms, speech patterns, and reactions to things whether or not SHE is on display. Dressing up will only change my appearance, perhaps clarifying my sense of “self,” but I’m the same person at all times, same as it ever was...

If I am to believe that I have a male “side,” how come I don’t do traditional male things? Getting back to the previous paragraph, I don’t suddenly revert to MALE for purposes of entertainment. The idea of a “Boy’s night in (or out)” is abhorrent to me, even if I am dressed in the traditional uniform of the drab male. I DON’T have a “man cave,” either. No, my personality has a lot of female in it – crossing the imaginary line from M to F takes no more effort than putting on something more cute and comfortable. That’s just how it is for me, a male with a certain amount of effeminacy in place since day one. The distance between M and F might be greater for you, to the point where “she” exists somewhere over the imaginary horizon...

Continuing this idea of “sides,” do you have a hard side and a soft side? Is this reflected in your version of MtF crossdressing? I grew up on a farm, worked on other farms at the same time, and I was a gravedigger at a cemetery as well. There’s no way to embrace blessed softness when you’re wielding a shovel, is there? These days, I will do manual labor while I’m dressed, somehow turning manly tasks into feminine undertakings (hint!). I need softness in my life, not only via tactile sensation, but via human compassion and tenderness. “Human” is the key word here, for neither M nor F can lay exclusive claim to human feelings. One may be able to (or allowed to) express them, while the other has to keep them inside – the latter may contribute to hardness, and crossdressing can be like an escape hatch at times...

Do you have a rough side and a smooth side? This is similar to hard and soft, but slightly different. If you have an abrasive personality, you are a kind of “rough.” Perhaps crossdressing balances this, introducing not only tactile smoothness, but calmness as well. Unless I’m wrong, one can help the other, or make the other one come about. I’m sure rough needs smooth in the cosmic scheme of things. Of course, some MtF crossdressers may dress up to be rough in some way – I’ve seen it (and read about it) many times on this very site. HE might be highly repressed or stressed out in real life, but when SHE comes out to play he can be someone else. The word “bitch” comes to mind, something I do not aspire to, but to each HIS own...

Do you have a cool side and a warm side? In other words, are you passionate only when you’re dressed up as your favorite emulation of a female? Can you only express emotion IF you’re dressed, or is dressing just a foregone conclusion under the circumstances? I mean, I’m anything but COOL – I’ll cry when I see any display of beauty or emotion, even if I’m wearing my male garb. Sometimes my male "uniform" makes me cry! There’s a cozy fire inside, burning brightly, so it’s only natural that I learned to embrace my WARM side by wearing the “wrong” clothes. In this polarized climate that passes for culture, males must be cool and non-emotional, while only females are allowed to wear their hearts on their sleeves. Anything else is an aberration, and something has to be done about it. I find it curious that a male displaying any emotion is queer, but that’s what we’ve become – it’s a general trend, since females will often need to get COOL to gain respect (and equality) in a male-oriented world. This is worth crying about, I feel...

Do you have a creative “side?” Speaking as an artist, this is impossible. You’re either creative, or you aren’t. Even so, creativity depends on the situation at hand – personally, I think MtF crossdressing is a highly creative enterprise, existing (as it does) in every variation from submerged/subsumed to “I don’t care WHAT they think!” You’ve worked hard, using ingenuity, to let HER out, for whatever reason, which means you’ve liberated your “self” in some way, either big or small. It takes creativity and persistence to make something happen, especially when everyone you meet doesn’t want you to do that – out of necessity you create another “side” of yourself. As far as I’m concerned, it’s YOU no matter how you’re dressed – you can play roles, you can act the part, you can dream about being a girl or woman, but it’s still you. Why not just hug your “self” tightly and don’t let go? She is with you anyway, so why not do the right thing?

What do you have to say about this notion of having two “sides?” :thinking:

PS – I have a “participating” side and a “lurker” (stealth) side on this site... :battingeyelashes:

[Dana3]

Because from youth we're culturally and socially conditioned (very strongly so) to present only one side ~ the masculine side, when we also a feminine side which more often times than not beaten down and out of us (for some ~ literally)

[STACY B]

When your brought up Male,, An you end up having a Family as Male you can only excist having two sides . Having one side you would have to make the ultamite decision to choose Female or Male . Thats what transition is for choosing , MtF CDs Can have the best of both worlds . If I were to transition I could lose my hold on my family ,,If they got into trouble how could I defend them ? If I alterd my body in such a way to soften an lose strenth then I would be a the mercy of all the stronger people out there that I have been holding off all these years to protect my family from . So saying that I cant transition all the way for fear of letting my love ones down ,,,They depend on me ,,But I can go as far as I can without jumping all in . Sometimes we have to make that choice ,,,An look at the sake of others before you put yourself first ,,A balance of both worlds can be had . So yes I have two sides an I love them both . Once you learn to accept it thats when you can just move on .. It takes a little work ,,,But once you get all of your ducks in a row its a Wonderful thing .

[HannahF6]

I have always been baffled by this notion, so frequently expressed, that some males wish to express their "female side". I've never understood and really don't get the idea. For myself, I was born a male but from an early age it was evident that some men were considerably more masculine than I am. I firmly believe that masculinity to feminity is a continuous spectrum, and that every point in the spectrum is occupied by someone.

I don't believe that I sometimes show male sides and then sometimes female sides, I'm actually quite consistent. I do what I do well and everyone at work knows that I do get on well with my female co-workers. They know I am sympathetic and have worked to destroy the glass ceiling. My wife is interested, and pleased, that women feel free to confide in me. I am proud of the work I have done to encourage young female mathematicians trying to work in a male-dominated work-place. The point is, I don't sometimes show male traits and somethimes show female traits, I am true to myself and very consistent.

Hannah

[Kate Simmons]

We are all multi-faceted and have many "sides" to us. How we manage that is where the real skill comes in.:)

[Momarie]

We are all multi-faceted and have many "sides" to us. How we manage that is where the real skill comes in.:)

Well said Kate Simmons!

[kimdl93]

Hmmmm, I have always thought that my male and female were rather thoroughly blended together, so that my decidedly feminine mannerisms and interests are present regardless of how I happen to be dressed. Consequently, I don't think I have different sides, but I display different parts depending on the role I am obliged to play. Warm/cool, hard/soft, abbrasive/smooth, male/female are presentations of my self...inherently the capacity to exhibit and behave at points between each extreme. Generally, I've regretted those occassions when I've over emphasized the warm/hard, abbrasive, male display, and in contrast relationships, work, and life as a whole, seem to flow more smoothly, more effectively and satisfyingly when I tend towards cool, soft, smooth and female. I believe those characteristics are just better suited to life in in the modern, post industrial world.

[Veronica27]

I have two sides, right and left. Apart from that bit of silliness, I am me, regardless of how I am dressed. Hard/soft, cool/warm, smooth/abrasive are all simply our own personal extremes of certain human characteristics. Circumstances determine how hard or how soft I happen to be at any given moment, within my own personal range of expression. It has little to do with how I am dressed, although dressing can have a calming effect which can soften my reponses to things, just as taking a warm bath can have a soothing effect. I don't happen to think of these variations in emotions or reponse in any masculine versus feminine way, because apart from a few hormone enhanced qualities, we are all capable of achieving the entire range of human nature whether we are male or female. We may be limited by our own personality or genetics from reaching the same extremes of the same qualities as our neighbour, but we still possess those qualities.

Veronica

[Cynthia Anne]

The only way I can exist and be happy is to lock the mean and ugly male side in! The Female side plays a completly differant tune! Hugs!!

[KellyJameson]

I think for many men they become fractured (split in two) by what is done to them in the name of becoming a man.

This is not always forced on them but adopted willingly so they will be included and accepted into their social role so they are "done to" by an environment that appears to be benign but may not be for certain members.

This fracture separates them from themselves but to go against behaving like a "man" would be a direct threat to their own internalized identity so they give themselves permission to feel by going around the obstacle of identity by becoming someone else separate from them so they can safely be "effeminate" while staying masculine.

This is why I encourage men to crossdress, I think it could save their life from the harm that the culture has done to them by it's distorted values.

There are aspects of crossdressing related to identity that are similar but opposite to gender identity dysphoria because in both circumstances people are trying to become whole again but for different reasons.

For most men calling them effeminate is a direct attack on them and they will use violence to defend against this attack.

Even among crossdressers I suspect this would be true in certain circumstances. Possibly even more so because they put at risk their identity when they crossdress
so could become aggresive if they feared exposure.

In my opinion Frédérique you have never been split in two and have fought vigorously to remain whole and true to yourself even if you fight by withdrawing which is another form of courage not cowardice so the word effeminate does not threaten you.

You have reaped the rewards of remaining whole in that you can be touched by beauty to the point of being brought to tears, you are part of life instead of standing outside of life. (you are connected which is a spiritual experience separate from religous belief)

It would be difficult to imagine someone who crossdresses as not having a creative soul unless it is purely for sexual reasons and even than not necessarily because the
sexual energies and creativity are bound up together.

I do not have two sides but in the privacy of my own mind I do not identify as male either so by default would be excluded from that experience which is unique to crossdressers.

I dress to become physically whole with an existing psychology not to become psychologically whole by changing my physical reality even though it is very difficult to tell the two behaviors apart because in both cases it is a matter of not being fully formed.

For different but similar reasons we could not be "culturized".

[Marleena]

This another thought provoking thread Freddy!

I remember somebody here with what seemed to be a split personality. The two sides (male & female) would argue. At first it was funny but then it got confusing as heck. I can't imagine that. I'm in the blended personality camp male/female sides, not a total split. It makes sense since we have male and female hormones and who knows what else.:) Most of the time its the girl personna for me, the male side has been neglected lately although he's watching.

Wait.. maybe that doesn't make sense either?

I'll go with Kelly's answer!