could someone tell me why I like having sex with female shoes?

[jsunic_1978]

Hi, I think my cross dressing had a lot to do with a shoe fetish I have had since a young child. I am almost 34 now and I haven't outgrown this shoe fetish. Is it maybe because I suppressed my dressing till I turned 30? I still am very attracted to women's shoes. I am attracted to women very much but, I never was able to develop a long term relationship. What mental health professionals can I speak with. This fetish has never caused serious problems, but I am not getting women neither and also I am very shy which makes it hard as it is. I am trying to over come drinking also, but this is a totally different story. Thanks family and friends. :)

[dragdoll]

OK are you saying that you literally like having sex with female shoes, as in...you know...using them as a masturbatory device, or you like having sex while wearing them? I'm around the same age as you and have been dressing seriously since age 15 and I've always had a HUGE shoe fetish. In fact, I can probably say that was the main thing that led me into crossdressing more than anything else.

[Eryn]

Of the issues you discuss, drinking is the one that will cause you the most harm. I'd suggest that you address it first.

[jsunic_1978]

Both. Love wearing and playing with them. I just want to curve it a bit. I'm not ashamed of who I am but, I'm afraid to let people get close to me as if ill be rejected once they find out later, so the wall I put up is being to honest to quickly, (throwing out the whole deck) This is one thing I learned since I recently quit drinking and have a while to go. I'm trying to focus on my other good qualities and to be happier with my self and I would like to take the chances on letting people get close to me without dispersing too much of the personal stuff. Another problem maybe, learn a little paitences?? I hope I don't offend anyone with this post as I know this isn't a dating site nor for any other reasons.

[dragdoll]

hmm well first off I don't think anyone here is going to be offended by your posts, it is a discussion forum about m2f crossdressing so I wouldn't worry about that. Also, I think what you're posting about has a lot less to do with shoes than it does with trying to find someone to connect with. It's good that you stopped drinking though. Excessive drinking and loneliness is horrible combination, especially when you're home alone crossdressed with nowhere to go.

[Mollyanne]

If you really are serious about this shoe fetish thing or anything else for that matter , a good therapist will help you discover who you are. Seeing a therapist is NOT an easy decision especially when you "lay bare" all the facts. Take it from me when I say they are NOT judgmental!!!! I have been there and done that!!!! As far as the drinking is concerned, this takes "one day at a time" and you have to work at it, there is no magic pill!!!!! Don't be to quick to tell people about yourself as this in itself is defeating. You are young and very attractive (as per your avatar) and have a full life in front of you but you need to help yourself.

Molly

[Rebecca Star]

Of the issues you discuss, drinking is the one that will cause you the most harm. I'd suggest that you address it first.

I agree with Eryn. Trying to address other issues you may have, will be continuely over-shadowed and encroached on by the drinking problem. So please if you have a alcohol problem please try to get that squared away first.

Have you considered attending AA?

[NicoleScott]

hmm well first off I don't think anyone here is going to be offended by your posts, it is a discussion forum about m2f crossdressing so I wouldn't worry about that. Also, I think what you're posting about has a lot less to do with shoes than it does with trying to find someone to connect with.

I agree with the first part. People can click off if this subject makes them uncomfortable. The sexual aspect of crossdressing is very real for many of us, but many others try to distance themselves from it.
The second part, that I put in bold type, confuses me. Maybe I'm not understanding it, and you can clarify for me. You are an admitted shoe fetishist, as I am as well, it would seem to me that shoes have very much to do with it. I'd love to connect with a woman who loved wearing high heels for me, but I'm not about to make that a litmus test for a relationship. It's just one aspect of who I am. It's a stand-alone issue for me, not related to (or substituting for) connecting to anyone.
[Edit: after re-reading the posts, I can see that the main point of the post may be about the inability to develop relationships with women out of the fear of disclosure and judgement of the shoe fetish.]

More in the past than of late I liked to not only wear very high heels but touch them, look at them, and play with them. It was always so arousing. My fetish for high heels is one of two major fetishes of mine, along with a couple minor ones (arousing but to a lesser extent). My crossdressing is a way of combining all of those fetishes , and it maximizes the pleasure when I put it all together. But wearing or playing with high heels on its own is enough to arouse me, especially in my earlier years when getting adequate time and place for a lengthy dressup session was rare.

How many threads have we seen on the topic of where our crossdressing drive comes from? But none that I have seen dealing with why some of us have fetishes. We didn't ask for them, but we have them. I often get the sense here that crossdressers with strong internal feminine identities get a pass (You are what you are - embrace it!), but fetishists have obsessive compulsive behaviors that need to be controlled through denial or professional help (it's bad - stop it!).

Jsunic, if you are a part-time, dress for pleasure crossdresser, it doesn't have to interfere with an otherwise normal life. At some point, though, you'll need to come clean about it with someone with whom you may see a long-term relationship ahead.

[dragdoll]

I agree with the first part. People can click off if this subject makes them uncomfortable. The sexual aspect of crossdressing is very real for many of us, but many others try to distance themselves from it.
The second part, that I put in bold type, confuses me. Maybe I'm not understanding it, and you can clarify for me. You are an admitted shoe fetishist, as I am as well, it would seem to me that shoes have very much to do with it. I'd love to connect with a woman who loved wearing high heels for me, but I'm not about to make that a litmus test for a relationship. It's just one aspect of who I am. It's a stand-alone issue for me, not related to (or substituting for) connecting to anyone.
[Edit: after re-reading the posts, I can see that the main point of the post may be about the inability to develop relationships with women out of the fear of disclosure and judgement of the shoe fetish.]

More in the past than of late I liked to not only wear very high heels but touch them, look at them, and play with them. It was always so arousing. My fetish for high heels is one of two major fetishes of mine, along with a couple minor ones (arousing but to a lesser extent). My crossdressing is a way of combining all of those fetishes , and it maximizes the pleasure when I put it all together. But wearing or playing with high heels on its own is enough to arouse me, especially in my earlier years when getting adequate time and place for a lengthy dressup session was rare.

How many threads have we seen on the topic of where our crossdressing drive comes from? But none that I have seen dealing with why some of us have fetishes. We didn't ask for them, but we have them. I often get the sense here that crossdressers with strong internal feminine identities get a pass (You are what you are - embrace it!), but fetishists have obsessive compulsive behaviors that need to be controlled through denial or professional help (it's bad - stop it!).

Jsunic, if you are a part-time, dress for pleasure crossdresser, it doesn't have to interfere with an otherwise normal life. At some point, though, you'll need to come clean about it with someone with whom you may see a long-term relationship ahead.

Anyone can have a shoe fetish, not everyone crossdresses because if it. I'm saying that most people would consider crossdressing bad enough that the shoe fetish thing might be irrelevant. If the OP didn't have a shoe fetish, he would probably have a fetish for some other type of female clothing or jewelry that might lead him into CDing. When I said I have a shoe fetish, I didn't mean that I used them as sexual devices, but more to the extent that I love wearing them, and have an absurd collection and would probably own a million pairs if I had the room for them all. They're not really the focal point of my CDing anymore though.

[jackie k]

Sweetheart I think shoes are the least of your concerns right now. As for the drinking, I've been there! I've miss out on a lot of life because of it. And it nearly killed me. If not litterally, emotionally, spiritually and every other way you can be dead inside. And the problem wasent my drinking, it was why I drank. I think that's where you need to focus. Everything else will reveal itself when the time is right. Iakll say a little prayer for you cuz its a damn miserable place. Good luck and keep talkin

[jsunic_1978]

Iv been going out more dressed, only on weekends. I go shopping. If I want to meet a woman however, I have to go to different areas as a guy. The part of town I live, the only single women are age 16! Not many pickings of adult singles where I'm at. I just dress up where I live. Whos going to judge? LOL Everyone already is paired up. Plus, this is Cleveland, really slim pickings. The west side has more singles, but mostly in their 20s and all into the club scene. I do like being me tough and I am on this site to share beauty secrets, clothing advise and really to figure out more why I do this when I do not even like guys, I like guys LOL, just not attracted to them :) Also, family members and friends of other dressers, pleas feel free to share your input on this topic of just cross dressing in general, when your loved ones came out and how and when I can notify people I first meet. Thank you much :)

[KellyJameson]

The Shyness is what you want to try overcoming or at least reducing because you become a prisoner of it.

I personally think shyness comes from being more easily hurt emotionally than others. The mind since birth has an openness to being harmed so the person removes themselves from interacting with what is hurting them, which is people.

You are healthy so your body is sexual and needs to express this sexual energy which when ignored can become an obsession. Our sexuality is meant to make us
move toward others and bond with them but when we are unable to for various reasons the energy demands release and the imagination and intellect looks for ways to satisfy the need.

An empty stomach will eat anything once the pain of emptiness becomes to great.

You want to take steps back into the social world by recognizing how much power you actually have to protect yourself.

The state of mind that is "shyness" leaves you feeling powerless but this is actually not true. You have not learned ways to protect yourself because you are using the
rules to manage your life that others have taught you so you force yourself to act socially in ways that are not natural for you.

Empowerment is first about feeling safe in relation to others because the lifelong experience of shyness increases the sensation of being hurt much like rubbing the same spot on your skin with sandpaper every day keeps it extremely sensitive so is painful to touch.

You want to learn steps that will allow your mind to heal from painful touch but this requires discovering that not all touch is painful and this can only be done by moving
out into the world.

A book called " The Highly Sensitive Person" by Elaine Aron does a decent job explaining this. You can read much about it for free on the internet.

Sex is the expression of the deeper relationship we have with ourself that shapes our relationship with others so how it is expressed will be determined by everything else that is you.

Your shyness seems like a curse but it is actually a blessing because it allows your mind to have abilities that others do not if you learn how to manage the burden of pain (sensitivity) that comes with the blessing of pleasure (sensitivity)

Sensitivity is a heightened awareness and can easily destroy you if you do not learn how to manage it.

It is a form of power

Just as the stomach needs food the mind needs food in the source of relations with others so when you are starved for food (relations) you experience pain (loneliness)
which is a hunger for the company of others.

This pain can be suppressed with alcohol,drugs,ect... but you mind and body will slowly be damaged and you will avoid fulfilling your life's purpose adding to the pain.

The only way to escape pain is to walk into it because the more you try to avoid it the stronger it grows and the more you will than need to suppress it, becoming trapped in a escalting and increasing relationship to and with pain and avoidance which is called addiction.

Addiction is about escape from oneself

[jsunic_1978]

AA meetings help me to. Step work and just getting to the root of my problem and cross dressing isn't it.
but, the way I think is. I'm sober 2 months for the idk how many times. I am now just trying to live in the now and learn how to open up more and adjust my judges in character, which is another problem. I think why some of us drink a lot is because we suppress who we are! Most in AA don't know this about me. That program is just for drinking and getting to the root of our thinking.

Thank you Kelly :) That is really powerful stuff. I really have gotten a lot from this. Now I just have to balance time and place and just get up n force my self to take rejection. The more I can handle rejection, Ill obtain practice and develop social skills. Maybe that was bad advise I was given some time ago, but I do know this, women likes a confident guy and the first thing they see is how he handles rejection and then making jokes about it and what he could use to his advantage in which to turn into a joke. THIS IS WHAT I NEED TO LEARN.

[LilSissyStevie]

There are two things about "fetishes" or anything else that arouses us sexually that I'm pretty sure of. The first is that we don't choose them. The other is that we can't suppress them... for long. I wouldn't think of going to any kind of counseling with the idea of getting "cured." I've never seen it work. You probably just need to fully accept this part of yourself and learn some coping skills. You have a shoe fetish, you're stuck with it, enjoy it.

Shyness is far more debilitating with respect to forming relationships. There are plenty of women that will tolerate a few kinks (as long as you can tolerate theirs) but you can't meet them if you're too shy or you sabotage relationships before they can flourish. It can take a lifetime to overcome extreme shyness. I know. By far, the most immediate problem you have is the drinking. You need to deal with that situation first and it looks like you are. I took my last drink on 8/18/78 so it can be done.

[jsunic_1978]

WOW!!! Thanks Lil Sissy 78??? I was born 3 weeks later Sept 78. I notice people now, that can drink, they don't go to the bars to meet people. They are out with friends. They don't drink every day, not in excess and still have good credit etc etc. I'm not one of those people, but maybe a higher power has a better plan for me if I just listen. (mine is God) I don't want to offend people.

[NicoleScott]

I think the OP was referring to a fetish the same as I do: there is a sexual arousal aspect way beyond really liking something or having large collections of items. I have lots (too many) fishing rods/reels/lures but they don't cause sexual arousal. Those of us who have fetishes know it, and if you don't have one you can't know what it's like. If fellow crossdressers think of this as just fodder for jokes or whackoTV, imaging how the general public reacts upon learning that someone has a sexual fetish. I, too, am a shy person, perhaps a self-imposed withdrawal to keep knowledge of my fetish private.

[Roberta Young]

Probably wont like answer, but why the mental health professionals? granted they are good for some people, but also have fetishes of their own. (physicians heal thyselfs) have you googled fetishes you are going to find millions of them. now for the answer about problems, alchol controled my soul for 30 years, influnced my crossdressing tendencies, and made me resent my way of thinking. PLEASE before going any farther with "other" problems give yourself time (alchol free) and see how you feel in maybe three months Luv Roberta

[jsunic_1978]

Thanks Nicole :) I do wish i could pick up street hookers like normal people. Therese nothing wrong with that, but i don't like wrapping it and sex with no connection isn't good and doesn't suit me. Female shoes are just so SEXY, there is sex appeal in them for a reason and the softness in them
:)

Thank you Roberta :) I do know i always loved dressing as a kid, before i started to drink. It is fun now, finally as an aduld going out n expressing this

[jsunic_1978]

I am in AA now. Actually Iv been trying it for 12 years now. I just always thought I was to young to have a problem, but in my 30s now, things have gotten worse. I'm 2 months sober now and really addressing my issues. Cross dressing was never really a problem, but maybe I am just selfish by telling everyone before I let people get close to me. Who knows, Maybe I have robbed them of getting to know a great guy. If I give people a chance, and let things progress slowly, I'm sure the signs will revile them selves as the women will notice I get aroused by just shopping, have great opinions on which shoes will do with certain outfits etc etc. My attitude was always the issue, the biggest one. My problem is selfish and self contentedness and my attitude. Drinking is just a symptom and also the BIGGEST PROBLEM IS MY SHYNESS. AA is really helping now because I'm realizing now the problem isn't alcohol, the problem is me. This is starting to work well now. thank you everyone for the nice replies and also, If I multi merge replies, how do I not do this in the future?

[STACY B]

Sounds MITY FAMILURE ,, Shoe fetish an Drinking an CDing ,,,, Been there done that ,, Hey guess what I will tell ya what I did an save ya about 15 years of missery,??? Dress alot more shoe shop alot more an you will not have near as much drinking $$$$$ ,,Hey it works for me ,,, What better place to meet the girl of your dreams ,,,SHOE STORE ,,,, You already have alot in common !!

[jsunic_1978]

OMG I LOVE YOU :) :) I have been out more and its a lot of fun! I would like to shop for women s clothes more when out as a guy and just rap to the sales ladies, im buying for a friend and ask the other female shoppers their opinion on the outfit as well. Never know, right? I want to overcome this shyness and get out more.

I did buy my self shoes that GGs have tried on and put back. a couple of them just smiled at me and winked! I MISSED THOES Qs

[MsJanessa]

As a recovering alchoholic with 17 years of sobriety, I would suggest dealing with your drinking problem first---that is the one that will cause the most problems in your life---as far as the shoes go, there is nothing like a nice pair of stillettos as far as Im conerned---don't want to have sex with them, but wearing them makes me feel very sexy

[jsunic_1978]

As a recovering alchoholic with 17 years of sobriety, I would suggest dealing with your drinking problem first---that is the one that will cause the most problems in your life---as far as the shoes go, there is nothing like a nice pair of stillettos as far as Im conerned---don't want to have sex with them, but wearing them makes me feel very sexy


I ,really should just keep my dressing to a mim for now? I don't want to give it up. We are suppose to be a jolly breed LOL congrats on 17 years :) sure about the shoes??? just try it :) don't worry, your not going to loose interest in regular sex. Sober now, I still like dressing, but im dealing with the feelings now. I think Ill stay off chat for a bit and just listen.

[ReineD]

Shyness is far more debilitating with respect to forming relationships. There are plenty of women that will tolerate a few kinks (as long as you can tolerate theirs) but you can't meet them if you're too shy or you sabotage relationships before they can flourish. It can take a lifetime to overcome extreme shyness. I know. By far, the most immediate problem you have is the drinking. You need to deal with that situation first and it looks like you are. I took my last drink on 8/18/78 so it can be done.

I love this response. I agree, take care of the drinking first, and also work on your confidence levels to overcome the shyness.

But as regards your fetish, if one thing more than another is arousing (in your case the shoes), there are GGs who will play along if they're into you and they're interested in having a sexual relationship with you ... providing that it's just not all about the shoes and nothing else when you're with them. This is hard to gage. I don't know when you use the word "fetish", if you mean that you just really like the shoes, or if it's a more serious paraphilia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paraphilia) where you simply can't function without them. This is when it would become problematic in a long term relationship, since any GG would eventually feel secondary to the shoes.

A GG wants to know that you're into HER more than what she or you are wearing.

[jsunic_1978]

I love this response. I agree, take care of the drinking first, and also work on your confidence levels to overcome the shyness.

But as regards your fetish, if one thing more than another is arousing (in your case the shoes), there are GGs who will play along if they're into you and they're interested in having a sexual relationship with you ... providing that it's just not all about the shoes and nothing else when you're with them. This is hard to gage. I don't know when you use the word "fetish", if you mean that you just really like the shoes, or if it's a more serious paraphilia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paraphilia) where you simply can't function without them. This is when it would become problematic in a long term relationship, since any GG would eventually feel secondary to the shoes.

A GG wants to know that you're into HER more than what she or you are wearing.

I do need her shoes to get excited. I have been with some hot women. I still wanted their shoes in bed. Like I said, have to overcome shyness and just meet more women and not let anyone know anything and just make them laugh, and relate more to people. as long as I am aware of the main issue, I should be able to curve this. Just will power and the same will power to turn my will over to God each day to help me not drink. Thats working so far. I really hope everything else sorts its self out. I am praying for paitences and for me staying out of my own way and just get out more n just socialize normally. Thanks everyone for all the feedback :)

[ReineD]

I do need her shoes to get excited. I have been with some hot women. I still wanted their shoes in bed.

Well, I wish you all the best with your newfound recovery, just take it one day at a time. :)

But just a word of advice, for when you feel strong enough to overcome your shyness and get out there and form relationships ... if you find that the shoes do it for you more than the woman, it might be difficult to find a woman who'll go along with this for the long term (although in new relationships everything can be fun in the beginning) and you might want to address this. A fetish (a preference) is harmless and it can add spice, but when it becomes an abject need it might get in the way of having a mutually satisfying sexual relationship with a woman for the reasons I mention above.

Good luck!