Newbie

[Vikki89]

Hello everyone,

I'm Vikki, a 22 year old closet crossdresser. I've been crossdressing for about 10 years now, but have always been in the closet. I used to borrow my older sisters clothes and make up a lot which was great, but then I obviously got bigger (she is tiny in all honesty) and couldn't fit into her clothes any more.

I've been trying to stamp it out of myself since then, but as I'm sure most of you know, this isn't a phase that will go away. I never bought any of my own clothes because, at the time, I lived with my family and didn't want to be caught. It was all down to make up and wasting hours searching the internet to read stories of other crossdressers, wishing I could do what they do.

I then moved away from home to go to University. I wanted this to finally be my chance to express "her", but sadly this never came to be, as I was living in a house with other students, ones I had never spoken to before.

I realise now that if I was just honest with myself and with them, I may have been able to tell them the truth about crossdressing, but I've been living with these people for 2 years now and they still don't know.

Quite frankly, I'm now getting frustrated by not being able to do what I want. Yet at the same time, I'm terrified of letting my current housemates know about this side of me.

So I thought what could be best would be to do this, but on the low down. To be able to express this side of me but without drawing too much suspicion.

I know a lot of you on here obviously have experience in expressing your feminine side. I was hoping you could give me some tips and advise in how to express my side.

And I still don't own any of my own clothes!

Love

Vikki.

[Leah Lynn]

You may get it to lie dormant for some years, but it's always there. Around a university ther should be other CD's, it'll take a bit of detective work to find someone. Then find a place together. The more the merrier (sometimes), at least someone or two to experiment with; makeup, etc. And it's easier to go out in a group. Good luck!

[Celeste]

Hiya Vickie and welcome.I can see things are not quite doable now because you don't have your own place,that would be something I would try to fix.You can network and try to meet others to share with however,I would try "meetup.com" ,then put in your local zip.

[docrobbysherry]

Vikki, most of us closet dressers must balance dressing when we want to against not be able to do that. How much and often u need to dress to satisfy yourself only u can decide. But, eventually you'll work it out. Just do what u can without outing yourself completely for the present.

If u become too frustrated, I suggest u find a way to satisfy your urges on weekends, etc. any way u can! Even if u need to find a cheap motel room!

[Lainie]

Frustrating, isn't it?

Even if you have almost no privacy, you can still wear feminine lingerie. Drug stores & grocery stores sell panties, hose, sometimes sport bras; are often uncrowded; may have self-serve checkout.

All you need is privacy in the bathroom & a drawer of your own.

Know any Goth places locally? Maybe not your style, but they can be gender-flexible in make-up & clothing.

[jackie k]

Hi vikki,
I completly understand your frustration. My situation is different but frustration is the same. My wife knows and buys everything from makeup to clothes to wig. But its my shame and guilt that keeps me from letting her see me all out jackie. So I do what I can and I am all girl underneath. Socks, panties, bra with little secret shapes. I have tinted glasses so I do my eyes, eyeshadow, eye liner, mascarra. I do it every day and noone ever knows. I have to or I'll go nuts. Guess what I'm saying is do what you can. It'll work out. Good luck!

[Tracii G]

See if there is a GLBT center on campus and see if they have a transgender/CD group.
Go to a meeting in drab and ask questions, there is a good chance someone you know will be there.If not make some friends that feel the way you do.
Then the opportunity to dress up will be there.

[Stephanie47]

Welcome Vikki;

Unless you are attending a university in a backwater restrictive conservative part of the country, there should be a GLBT support group near your university or a neighboring school. You may be able to dress and appear more feminine at meetings or private social occasions. You should not 'out' yourself to just anyone. Once the Genie is out of the bottle, she cannot be stuffed back in. You may add additional stress that you may not be able to handle. Your first priority is to get an education. There is something called "delayed gratification." Most of older cross dressers have gone through prolong periods when it was not possible to express ourselves.

[Vikki89]

Thanks for the warm welcome everybody.

I shall be sure to take on all your advice and look into a LGBT support group when I return in September, and Celeste I shall check out that website you recommended.

I've been thinking about what both Lainie and jackie k said about doing what you can, which seems reasonable but my only worry is when it comes down to washing these clothes. We share a communal washing machine, and they may realise something is up if they see some knickers (panties) mixed in with my boy shirts. The only 2 things I could think of to get around this would be to wash my clothes when everybody has gone to bed or I use a Laundromat, which isn't too far away from me and often isn't busy. Then again using the Laundromat would start costing me some money (something students are famously short on).

Unless people agree with Stephanie47 and I should just wait until I finish University (I graduate next year).

Also Lainie, there is a night club that is very goth friendly. But I'm not much of a drinker due to family reasons, I'd just be the boring androgynous guy in the corner! LOL.

[Sarah Doepner]

Vikki, Everyone is offering good advice and the best I can do is suggest that you begin thinking how you can manage this aspect of your life. Feeling helpless is the worst attitude you could adopt. Even if you do only minor things until you graduate, knowing you are not denying something basic to your personality is important. Sometimes an hour is enough to settle the nerves and permit yourself to refocus on what is necessary now. Eventually you will have that opportunity to celebrate the girl inside. Until then, be looking for ways to keep her assured that she is important.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Vikki, Hang in there one of these days you will have your own place.

[Vickie_CDTV]

Vikki, judging from your language, I assume you are outside the US (the UK, or Canada maybe?) If you are near a larger population center, there is probably a trans group there that you could try. Just google "transgender support group <your nearby city>" and see what you can come up with, or you can tell us where you are located and someone might know if a group there. Depending on the size of your school, you may or may not be able to find other trans there; you can find gay orgs at most schools, but trans are more difficult to find unfortunately.

[Vikki89]

Yeah I live in England. My closest city is probably Bournemouth, which is very LGBT friendly, but as I'm sure you all know it is still very daunting which is why I haven't had the guts to do anything yet.

But thanks so much to all of you who have replied, it's very kind of you. I'm obviously not expecting to go dressed 24/7, but even if it's just something small just to make "her" happy until I'm in my own place. That should keep her quiet to let me finish my studies! LOL.

I'll let you all know how I get on : )

[Ambergold43]

Hi there! I definitely feel your pain, I used to live with two other male roommates which didn't allow for many dress-up opportunities. Eventually, I got my own place so it's all good now... but, I digress. About your issue: While you might not be able to openly use your living space to show off Vikki as frequently as you might like, there might be an opportunity to stock up on supplies you need, with no questions asked... Halloween is fast approaching, which might as well be any Crossdresser's "holiest of holies" (or whatever :\ ). Anyways, its during Halloween that guys can basically wear anything they want, and not get odd looks or stares, and even if we do, Halloween is like a "get out of jail free" card.

So, maybe you can make a list of supplies you will definitely need (makeup, an outfit or two, etc.) and use the Halloween excuse to buy all those things. Even if you don't actually go out dressed "en femme" for Halloween, you'll still have all those things already bought. Just tell your friends (if they ask) that you bought it for Halloween but changed your mind about using the stuff. As a bonus, the whole explaining about why you have makeup, a dress or whatever, and a wig is taken care of: Bought for Halloween. And as a double-bonus, I'd be willing to bet that you could find at least one gg willing to do your makeup for you, or go shopping with you, should you decide to actually use that opportunity to go out as Vikki.

Anyways, I know this probably doesn't solve your immediate issues with being able to dress-up or whatever, but it is a good way to buy all that stuff you want - and do it "under the radar." And once you have those items, as long as you have a door that locks, you are free to play dress-up as often as you like!

Hope this helps! Best of luck!