Purge

[AlexisRaeMoon]

Well, I did it again. Last week, I was out of town for work and decided to bring my "things" with me to finally get some girl time. I've only ever done this once before (my dressing is usually only when home alone), and the same thing happened last time. I think it's because the out of town dressing takes so much planning and coordination to pull off without anyone in the family finding out that the guilt just becomes overwhelming. It's a grand deception and (only afterwards) I feel just absolutely rotten, and the only thing I can do to calm down and feel "normal" is chuck it all in the Goodwill bin on the way home. I really tried to avoid doing that this time, but I just couldn't see anyway around it.

Luckily for me, it's really not all that much stuff, so it's not a huge loss. A couple pairs of heels that I really liked, a dress that's probably too short to wear in public anyway, and some tights and makeup. Nothing that's irreplaceable. What I think furthered this purge was a general dissatisfaction with the result. After all that planning and stress, it didn't even feel worth it. Sometimes you just look in the mirror and think, "this is ridiculous."

I think, ultimately, I just need a break. CDing takes up so much "mental space" that it begins to intrude on real life. I suppose it would be less stressful if I could just be open about it with my wife, but that topic has been beaten to death in other places here. Maybe one day I'll have the conversation, but for right now, a little vacation is in order. I've been at this long enough not to kid myself into thinking this will actually stick, but sometimes you just have to push the reset button....

Thanks for listening all. It's comforting to know there are others out there who can relate. Hugs!
Arianna

[Jacqueline Winona]

Arianna, we've all been there or will be there. So sorry to hear you have to go through this, and I get why both the purge and desire to purge are so difficult. We'll be here for whatever you need.

[Amanda_Robinson]

I certainly know how that feels. I have certainly felt that way before. Be satisfied that for the time being you feel better. :o).
Thanks for sharing, Arianna.
~Amanda

[Shari]

You'll be back and you'll regret those things you threw out.
Funny how dressing and not dressing can cause stress, isn't it?

[jillleanne]

It's good you understand the process and have the knowledge needed to make your life just a little easier for you. You are right, it's no big deal to replace the clothes when the time arrives again. Be kind to yourself, you deserve it.

[STACY B]

First thing I did when I read it was check your AGE . UKKK,,,,OH,,,,Geting on up there ,, Becuz the age thing was going to affect my responce greatly on this subject ? But at our age thats when SHE will come back with the froce of a cat 5 hurracane ,, An if your lucky u can hold her off ,,But if your not so lucky like many of us that are here tou will go to the next step ,,, An if that goes well the next step ,,,An so on ,,, Some off us make it pass there an some of us dont . But one things for sure we all been there right where your at now .:2c:

[melissakozak]

AriannaRenee,

Yes, we have nearly all purged. Yes, we have nearly all felt guilt. I am certain, however, that the guilt is not so much about the crossdressing as it is the deception. If you were single do you think you would toss out your things? Likely not. Part of the reason your CDing takes up so much mental space is that it is also a need, and doing it takes time and planning. If it didn't require so much effort, would it take up nearly as much mental space, as you say? Likely not.

I hope you can find a way to express yourself without guilt and actually be happy about yourself. All pushing your reset button is doing is making you a little crazy.

Hugs to you, Melissa.

[RenneB]

Ahh yes I can relate as I too am in your situation. However, when I go out of town, I really enjoy the planning of the dressing outfits and the entire aspect of being somewhere where no one would ever notice me....

If I ever perge again, it'll take a moving van as the boxes of stuff just seem to pile up... now I must go shopping.. I hear the goodwill store in the Chi area has just received a new shipment of stuff from an anonomus doner...

Renne.....

[Cheryl T]

We've all looked into that mirror at one time or another and I can't tell you how many times over the years I've just chucked it all and said "NEVER AGAIN" only to be shopping for panties and bra and stockings and skirts and blouses and heels .... sometimes in a week, sometimes in a month....
I finally accepted that this is who I am and I'm not strange, not weird, not a perv and not crazy. I'm just ME!!
Now when I look in that mirror I see me....not that other image that haunted me for so long.

[NicoleScott]

Been there, done that. Done that. And done that again. My third and hopefully last purge almost 20 years ago. And I wish I had some of that stuff back.

[Tracii G]

Never felt the "urge to purge" but sure there have been times I just felt like its too much trouble to dress up.
Glad I kept what clothes I had because I knew the desire would come back.

[Robinkay]

Wow I really know how you feel,
Tho my last purge was over 10 years ago it still comes back to haunt me from time to time.
Just take some time and think about some outer projects,thats what I do.

[kimdl93]

Just don't be too hard on yourself. Its the self criticism that leads you to this place each go-around, isn't it? You look forward to getting dressed on these rare and special occassions, see something less than what you'd hoped for in the mirror and then consume yourself with guilt about wanting to do so in the first place. Kinda a vicious cycle.

So maybe you can use the reset period to come up with a virtuous cycle to replace this one. Focus on the things that you feel you need to improve on, then study and practice them when you have a spare moment now and then.To avoid giving up too much "mental space" try to set aside a specific time and place ... Youtube videos are a good place to obtain useful and practical advice on make up and other aspects of presentation. If you focus more on the process and less on the outcome, you'll probably have a more enjoyable experience.

[Sarah Doepner]

I was there in my mid 40's. While I didn't purge I felt the guilt and the dissatisfaction with the results I saw in the mirror. The idea of hitting the reset button is a good one because at times there are way too many issues that all become mixed. And that becomes overwhelming and that leads to poor decisions, like getting rid ofcomfortable cute heels you actually like. I think it usually means it's time to sit down and think about what all the individual issues are and begin to address them one at a time. You need to work through the things that are bothering you; the deception to the family, the dissatisfaction with what you see in the mirror, the lack of time to fully nurture your femme side and probably others that are lingering in the background and have somehow become linked in some way to your crossdressing. Take some time to work through things and get your foundation solid and some of the solutions will become apparent. If the desire to dress comes back, the girl you see in the mirror will be much prettier if you are happy and relaxed.

[Karren H]

You do what you have to do to make yourself feel good and there's nothing wrong with that.... too bad the urges aren't permanently attached to the clothes we wear.... make things so much easier.....

[Marleena]

Ahhh.. the dirty word purge! It should be in the censored word list here!

Last time I p***ed was about a year ago. I took stuff from my drawers and put it in a green garbage bag. Yep, you guessed it, it went out with the garbage.lol. Ah well it gave me a good reason to upgrade the wardrobe.:D

[Karren H]

......I took stuff from my drawers and put it in a green garbage bag. Yep, you guessed it, it went out with the garbage.lol. Ah well it gave me a good reason to upgrade the wardrobe.:D

at least you were doing the politically correct thing ..... using an environmentally friendly green garbage bag! :D

[Janelle_C]

I know how you feel, the whys, the gilt and don't forget the shame. I started some therapy with a gender therapist and she has helped me understand a little better. This is just part of who I am, I can't change it any more than a gay person can say I'm not gay any more. It is easier that my wife knows. You are who you are there is nothing to be ashamed about. Hugs Janelle

[Debra Russell]

Arianna, from your profile pic you look most acceptable - no need to purge, just keep refining your look - to make you happy; and if its in the cards confidein your wife, if not better planning to make it easier...................Debra

[Marleena]

Arianna, from your profile pic you look most acceptable - no need to purge, just keep refining your look - to make you happy; and if its in the cards confidein your wife, if not better planning to make it easier...................Debra

I agree with Debra. The urge will come back.

[Karren H]

Arianna, from your profile pic you look most acceptable - no need to purge, just keep refining your look - to make you happy; and if its in the cards confidein your wife, if not better planning to make it easier...................Debra

actually there's a case where looking better may make things worse.... looks change but shame and guilt can linger forever!

[Barbara Ella]

While not dressing long enough to develop the major purge urge, I have experienced the feelings of looking in the mirror and feeling that it just wasnt worth it. I still felt good about myself, but wondered about the time put in just trying. Fortunately that feeling passes, and are replaced by the good feelings of getting ready, and accepting what I have to work with.

I am now restricted to out of town motel trips if I want to dress to go out in public. have not done this yet, but it has put the damper on my desire to go out. The planning/preparation to get some girl time out just seems too daunting right now.

this has increased my internal girl time, which has allowed me time for introspection and realization of my directions, so not all bad.

Persevere Arianna, you have youth on your side even if you might not think so from your viewpoint.

Barbara

[Curelle05]

Arianna,

I am going to recommend a book to you “My Husband Wears My Clothes” by Peggy J. Rudd, Ed.D. There is some discussion in there about purging that may help you, but most of it has already been shared on this thread (i.e that purging is a cycle).

FYI – I know about this book because one day I spied it on my wife’s nightstand, then the next day it was on the kitchen counter, the day after that it was on the coffee table, the one after that it appeared on my nightstand…needless to say, my wife was trying to foster a discussion between the two of us in a low key way. After I caught the hint and read the book (she having already read it) we had a long talk. Sometimes, avoidance is the biggest obstacle.

C-

[Laura912]

If only there were carl-alt-del buttons followed by Purge? Hibernate? Go shopping? :daydreaming:

[Alice B]

It is a real bummer to have to toss things you have worked so hard to gain. I guess my question is - do you have any idea as to where your wife would stands on cross dressing? Is there any possibility of bringing the subject up with her?

[geri-tg.]

Been there done that only to go out and buy more than I had before I purged.

[Sharon B.]

Same here been there and done it Purge that is, now if I feel I need a beak I box it up knowing full well that urge will come back. When it does I still have my clothes fulfill that urge.

[Julogden]

Arianna,

Sorry to hear that you're having issues over CD'ing. As you've realized, purging doesn't do anything good. I'd urge you to work on accepting yourself and improving how you feel about being a CD. Try to see the positive aspects of it. I know very well how difficult it can be if your wife isn't on board, and it sounds like maybe you need to address that issue too.

Hang in there!

Carol :hugs:

[AlexisRaeMoon]

Thanks so much for all the advice and kind words, girls. It really does mean a lot. I'm not kidding myself, I know it won't last. I've been through it enough before. Like I said, I really just need a break. Obviously, the fact that I'm still on here proves I'm not that far gone! With past purges, I've gone so far as to delete all my photos and every online account and e-mail address, figuring I'd need to make a complete break to have any hope of stopping. Since I know that's not going to happen, I figure might as well let the "virtual me" continue to exist. I've got quite a few pictures that I quite like that I don't want to get rid of!

There are times when I've been very happy with my look, and I think that I was so looking forward to that "rush" you get when a look comes together, that when it didn't really happen this time, it was just like, "well, crap." And yeah...there's other issues at work. Onward and upward!

[AlexisRaeMoon]

It is a real bummer to have to toss things you have worked so hard to gain. I guess my question is - do you have any idea as to where your wife would stands on cross dressing? Is there any possibility of bringing the subject up with her?

Alice, it's funny that you mention this, because I've thought about this long and hard.The honest answer is, I just don't know. And I say that because, she is a very open minded and accepting woman, and very kind and caring, and I know she would want me to be happy. However, that still doesn't mean she'd be ok with being married to a guy who wants to wear her clothes! That's quite a leap to make.

She's never said anything like, "Oh crossdressers are gross and weird" or "You better never do that, I'd leave you." I guess what it comes down to for me is I'm just scared to take the risk, because I'm afraid of the outcome. I've found many of the "accepting wives" stories on this forum very encouraging, but as soon as I've screwed up the courage, I'll run across several posts about "be careful, you never know" and that's all it takes to scare me out of it again.

What further complicates it for me (and I've told these stories here before, so I apologize if you've heard this already), but she has seen me dressed twice already. Once, the old Halloween trick (Sarah Palin in '08 - natch). Many of us have done that. She was mostly entertained. Then, this past Christmas, I dressed up in this silly, sexy candy cane costume she has, and made her take pictures of me to give to our friends as a joke holiday card. But I went all out, wig (from the Halloween costume), heels, makeup, the whole nine yards. The next day she admitted that she thought it was pretty weird how into it I got with the whole thing, but that was it. She even made a crack when asking if I'd seen one of her bras, because she "knows I like to wear them." I could die when she says things like that! Yet, I could never get the courage to admit, that, "yes, honey. Absolutely. I do like to wear your bras." So that's the missing piece - my wife has seen me dressed like a woman twice, but what she doesn't know if that I really, really, REALLY, enjoy it! The Halloween party was one of the greatest nights of my life! As far as she knows, I was just being weird and silly.

Ah, anyway, I'm going over the same old ground again. What I'm hoping is that this "break" is actually one step backward to reach two steps forward. That's what usually happens. Before I start buying girl stuff to replaces what I purged, I'd like to be doing it with my wife's knowledge and acceptance. Having my own things so readily available made it too easy to just put off the conversation.

[Silmaril]

Wow, Arianna. So much of what you've written is as if it came from my own keyboard. The purging, the Halloween experience, the fear of coming out. You are truly not alone; I guess I'm not either, which is ultimately the beauty of this place.

I just wanted to chip in on the purging thing to comment that I sometimes think I project blame onto the clothes and everything, as if they all somehow made this situation; as if they are the metaphorical disease instead of what they really are: a symptom.

I'm one of those who see this "condition" as more curse than blessing. I know not everyone sees this the same way; I'm just speaking for myself. If only the cure were as simple as throwing away clothes. But that's just wishful thinking; the fact is that crossdressing is woven into *my* fabric, and as time goes by, I'm learning to accept and sometimes even appreciate that fact.

But sometimes shedding all of that stuff and just throwing it away feels *very* cleansing. I get it.

[AlexisRaeMoon]

Wow, Arianna. So much of what you've written is as if it came from my own keyboard. The purging, the Halloween experience, the fear of coming out. You are truly not alone; I guess I'm not either, which is ultimately the beauty of this place.

Yep. Couldnt agree more! Thanks for your comments.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Arianna, I hope that you have a good job to support your purges.

[Kitty Sue]

Don't beat yourself up to much. I have purged many times in the past. The last time was 4 years ago.