this is it - separating

[Kaitlyn Michele]

well this is it.... after couple years of sexless marraige.(i also took paxil for 6 yrs and that killed sex drive...turned 40...xdressing manifests more and more..sound familiar to anybody???)
anyway..i love my wife, my kids my family...so i come clean earlier this year..we spend much of the year fighting(which we never used to do) and we dont address anything really, just live together and finally last nite she said she simply couldnt get over the crossdressing and she never will, she doesnt want therapy, no books about x-dressing, nothing!!

she isnt "in love" anymore and she wants time to be alone..so she is basically saying get out of the house or we should just divorce.

i wake up this morning and i am totally torn apart.. we might hang in through the holidays.we'll see....i dont have time to post more, but other than here, i dont think there is anybody(not even therapist who we say briefly this summer) who can really see my side of this... i have been a wonderful, provider, supporter and friend to my wife...i knew the sexual side was lacking but had started reading and went to therapy to rekindle the sexual side of things after quitting the medicine.. i was encouraged to get it all out and be honest about sexual hang ups-- so i did..then she tells me she isnt sure she loves me and had been building up these feelings for years!!! takes 2 to NOT TANGO!!. we've been together 15 yrs, and x-dressing is going to kill our marraige, and of course now crossdressing is the furthest thing from my mind and it seems like a horrible gross thing to me to even think about it.

sorry just had to rant i am so sad..

[TGMarla]

Michele, I'm very sad for you and for the fact that you are having to go through all of this. I'm sorry that you have no one you can talk to. If your wife is completely unwilling to work with you on this, then perhaps it really is over for you, for while it "takes two to not tango", it also takes two to make it work. The holidays are a lousy time to have your life fall apart. Mine nearly did a year ago. Fortunately (depending on how you look at it) there are no kids involved. I hope you find your way, and if you need shoulders to cry on, we are here for you.

Hugs.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

thnx

BIG TIME BOO HOO----

[michellejean]

micheletv : i can feel your pain , wife has told me the same thing. after i told her all about me "BEFORE" we married and now she wants a divorce because of my being a cd woman.

[Valerie West]

Michelle, I understand, I've been there. I am not going to pretend I have any answers for you, but know that you are not alone. I, Too, have been the Paxil route and it's no fun to not be able to finish what got started. Been there. Courage will get you through. Be yourself and be strong. Just don't purge, you'll regret that one eventually. If she doesn't love you, then maybe it's time. In fact, this could be a whole new world about to open up for you. Stay in therapy, keep talking to your friends, and be true to Michelle. I love your avatar and I'm sure a lot of others do as well. E-mail me if you want to talk.
Valerie.

[Julie]

i dont think there is anybody who can really see my side of this...

Well, you're wrong there. I was all the things you said you were, a good husband, good father, good provider. I lived some of the same things you have been living. I stayed with her through menopause (which was hell). But when I needed her most she split ... after 23 years. But life goes on and we need to make the best of it.

I wish you the best in making this work out for you. It's hard to open a closed mind. Hopefully you'll find a way.

[Kim E]

Hi Michele ~
I'm so very sorry for you and for what you are going through. I can relate exactly to your pain and for a much longer time.

My ex knew and accepted Kim as a TG, things were fine and fun. Then she became a fundamental religious zealot. Things changed over night, she confided in her pastor everything about me. He concluded I was an evil, perverted demon, the devil incarnated and she went with it. My life became hell on earth. Our next 7 years were sexless, we hardly spoke without getting in a fight. She wouldn't seek counseling from an unbiased third party, only from her pastor, I refused. Finally, she started throwing things at me and screaming 'she hated me'.

I left, she filed for divorce and she outed me to everyone. Cost me family, friends and even co-workers. I had to leave my job of 20 years, moved far away and started over and havn't looked back.

I know how painful this is for you. Sometimes things happen in life that we have no control over. No matter how much we try. This forum is an excellent place to seek help and support. So many of us have been through the same thing, you are not alone.
I wish you well.

Hugs ~ Kim

[Sarahgurl371]

Michele,
Sorry for how you are feeling. You and I have exchanged ideas before, and are in similar situations, I can feel your pain. I hope it works out FOR THE BEST. I don't know what that is for you. I don't even know what that is for me. Ever hear the song, by Garth Brooks, Unanswered Prayers? "Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers, remember when you're talking to the Man upstairs, that just because he may not answer, doesn't mean he don't care, some of Gods greatest gifts are unanswered prayers".

Don't know if your are religious or not. I guess I am, and that song can help me thru tuff times when nothing is going the way I think I want it to. You never know what tomarrow may bring. I just try to have faith. Spliting up might be the best thing to happen to you and her as well. Maybe you won't split up, maybe some time alone will make her appreciate what she has in you, and you her. And you will come together stronger than ever. No one here can say whats best, all we can do is try to be there for you and keep you in our thoughts. Take care, and remember that we are here if you need to talk.

[HaleyPink2000]

I had 2 kids by my 1st wife. She did leave me when the kids were 8 and 12.
Loved her so much I wanted to die. Well long story. After the split I was in limbo for a few months till I got my feet under me. But things got loads better.

Now days even with this wife I tell her everything and She tells me most everything. LOL

It's lots less secrets than the 1st marriage. My first wife married a born female after the divorce. She had been seeing the other Girl for over a year with me never even suspecting it. I was so dumb. New perfume, new clothes and bills not paid even though I made good money. All this should have let me know something was wrong. NO NO NO sex. Not even a little hand giggle from her. Oh she did write me a nice card one evening thinking it would keep the bread winner paying the bills a while longer. I was lucky it only lasted 12 years. Then 2 years to get the divorce. Then the standard things of trying to get the kids to hate me so I would not come around and see the kids etc. Typical crap males go through, you know. I tried everything, and did it for the kids mostly. Nothing works when a woman is through with you She's Done!

So best thing I can tell ya get out with your life. I almost died over my first one. My problem, I loved her! Worked 3 jobs to keep Her in the styles and culture She wanted. But guess what? She lost Her cash cow! She had not thought many things through. Like the this and that. Even though She had the original check book. I learn quick. I'm not dumb by any means.

Kiss the Kids and don't give up on them. Do for them as you can. If you don't make it in life, you won't be able to help them when they need it. So, ((You))
Have to be stable in your life, what ever that may be 1st. Then Help your children as you can. If She does anything keep a journal, write it down.
Write down every thing you can, time date etc. I hate to be the bad one here, but being honest. This is now about you getting all the support you can get. As I said keeping you together for the long hall. Your CDing was probably never the real issue. She probably just used that as a vehicle to get out of this marriage. No matter what they say. If a woman or anyone truly loves you for you, the clothing don't matter.

My Wife now said it's for better or worse, in sickness and in health. She stated that She would not leave me over my CDing. She thinks it is a sickness. As she stuck by me for years when I was sick from Cancer.
She said to me "Your Sick" several times. Last night in the truck coming home Her and I talked a long time about it. The first time she has wanted to really discuss it. I had all the answers ready. She's been reading the forum and I did not know that untill last week end. But because of Tamara and a couple other girls on here E-mailing my Wife. She now reads the postings on here.

That won't help if a woman says, "She has wanted out for a year". Nothing will except going out and starting over. If you want the Kids fight to get them.

My Cousin just did the same thing to Her Husband. Took everything she could from Him. She did go find a Black Born Female Lesbian as Her new SO. My cousin had a child of 12 and loving Husband at home. I tell you this, again no candy frosting. When they are done with you the gloves should come off. My Cousins Husband fought for His Daughter and has her 50% his ex has the girl the other 50%. His wife did the same thing to him 6 years prior and then came back to him. Took what She could for that 6 years, schooling from a college which is costly etc. He paid all the bills, everything. Why, cause He loved her. Even Her college loan, new car, everything. Now what? She's gone.

Put your house in order Hun. Keep your self together and stand up tall in those Heels. For life is to short to be used by your SO for a complete year and than have them say " Well, for the last year I have not loved you".

Gawd! Shaking my head here!
Your way to sweet, really.
You need to talk IM me. I'll talk to you as long as you want to. Or need to!

Haley:)

[HaleyPink2000]

I'm one of those type that stayed around and never did leave my kids behind. I worked my ass off to make sure they had what they needed.

But even at that at age 50ish. my Son never calls and my Daughter and Her kids are here every weekend. She's a loan officer, and my Son has a 6 year degree in biology. He does not use it right now. His wife works for a major Corp and He's a stay at home Dad.

Haley:)

[erica12b]

i just got divorced july, and it bites , all my planing went south i find after i sold the house that bank , now only look at my debt, and taxs are killing my pay ck, after i take out my child payments and health ,theres little to nill left , my insurance co realy hit me my truck had 1000,deduct after she took the car and i sold the house ,was hit with a 85.00 increase, just for being single, live and learn.:mad:

[Deborah]

WTF is up with women and wanting divorces just before the holidays?
My ex left me 3 years ago about this time (before Thanksgiving)
Holidays to me are about family you'd think they'd at least wait until after Jan 1st.
Yes i'm old fashioned i believe in the whole family around the fireplace spending time together at Christmas time thing too.

[paulaN]

Sorry to hear what you are going through. Keep your chin up. Things will get better never the same but better. Besides to you want what you had the past few years. I think not.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Thanks to all for the support...it is very very much appreciated.

i'm home now, and i've been so sad that i'm taking risks like checking the board here while at work!! yikes..(i work in an office)..i really shouldnt do that

anyway..home with kids here, they got report cards today, teacher conferences etc..now i'm here and wife is upstairs, we have been very civil and know we need to talk about details..she is thinking we should stay together for holidays, i'm not as sure..

and dont worry, i will hang in, i have the neccessary coping skills and a great extended family..i've told my mother about the x-dressing and she says my wife's ridiculous to let that effect our family!!! go mom go!

one thing that i know is going to happen, is if i leave i am going to start shaving body parts i've never shaved and go out to places i've never dreamed ..part of me wants that but when i balance it against losing my family it all seems very shallow and unappealing

thnx again
michele

[Phoebe Reece]

Michele,

I really feel for you and what you must be going through. I have never had to deal with a situation quite that bad myself, so I'm not one to offer the best advice. That said, I can only offer some things you may not have thought of. Perhaps staying together during the holidays may make a difference. Maybe she will see the importance of family during this time and reconsider her position. Perhaps if some other family members get knowledge of the crossdressing during this time (like your mother has) and take your side she will have some second thoughts. Maybe she will at least consider the two of you entering some kind of counseling sessions before calling it quits for good. Don't give up hope until one of you actually has to go out the door. But, as others have said, you really need to prepare for the worst case.

Best of luck, whatever happens. I'll have you in my thoughts and prayers.

[Clarissa3d]

Hey michele,

My marrage ended after 21 years and two wounderful children. We had huge fights about this, I went to thearapy at her request and after 3 doctors and two years of paxcil I am still Clarissa! My ex said she read up on it and said simply get over it.

I still to this day have depression becuse of the split. it helps to talk with the best group here. I can say it is NOT easy to continue but you can do it with your freinds here and your personal freinds.

If you would like to compare your stituation to mine just let me know. the only advice I can give is dont close up and shut down. keep talking and being your self.

Big huggs
Clarissa

[HaleyPink2000]

She is probably using the time to build up her finances, exit plan etc. Be alert to every dime around you. To every comment the kids make, cause they hear things you don't. Also they go places with Her you don't. Be attentive sure. But be smart also. Don't put the blinders on. Be more alert now since you know She is wanting out. I'm sorry to be the Bad one here and not full of “ blue sky ing”. But Hun as I said before, it's your stability that counts right now. If you don't make it neither do the kids. So take this time to plan also. Write everything down even the smallest detail. I know, that’s drudgery writing everything down! But do it. She is!

1st lesson, there done with you if they say " Oh I have not had feelings for you for a year" HUH? She said that, HUH? 2nd Lesson, She wants to maybe stay together over the holidays. She does not have all Her ducks in a row yet. That’s the real reason. If She cared of you, She would not have said the 1st thing ever. Hopes, I know Hopes. I Hope this, I hope that, I hope the sky is blue today. Well You know it is going to rain sometime. So you buy an umbrella.

Get your own Checking account. I got mine at my credit union. Put what you can in it each check. I do that even now. Sometimes I use it for bills. But mostly it's my savings for me. For if my Wife says leave, I have the cash to do it. Not all your funds should be under her control. Believe me. My ex cleaned me out. My wife I have right now is great! But as before look for rain in the forcast always. Even when the sun is out!

When it rains it pours.

Haley:)

[Emma Chase]

Michele,

You are in my thoughts and prayers over this difficult time.

Emma

[paulaN]

haley is soooo right. take care of #1 all the rest will fall in place. good luck and keep your chin up. i'm pullen for ya.

[JoannaDees]

Sometimes, Haley, it just is not destined to work. I think a lot of times crossdressing is just the final straw, or a handy excuse. You'll do fine, and so will the kids if you two are civil to each other around them and indeed all the time.

By the way, my last divorce happened around the holidays too. Twas a strange time to be sure.

[Fallen Angel]

honey Im really sorry for you but some times bad beginings do bring happy endings,ive was married for a long time my self and one day it ended as well.Very depressed just like you and finnaly came to the desision I was going to live for my self.You have to be the one thats happy and start living for your self and my first thought would be make piece with in your self.You should not feel ashamed or guilty being who you really want to be.We all luv you here and your family to us all and any time you want to talk vent or other wise we'l listen with our hearts open xxxxx

[DonnaT]

I sorry to hear this Michele.

Like some of the others have said, take care of your finances. My brother woke one day to find all his accounts cleaned out.

[Dana]

I had 2 kids by my 1st wife. She did leave me when the kids were 8 and 12.
Loved her so much I wanted to die. Well long story. After the split I was in limbo for a few months till I got my feet under me. But things got loads better.

Now days even with this wife I tell her everything and She tells me most everything. LOL

It's lots less secrets than the 1st marriage. My first wife married a born female after the divorce. She had been seeing the other Girl for over a year with me never even suspecting it. I was so dumb. New perfume, new clothes and bills not paid even though I made good money. All this should have let me know something was wrong. NO NO NO sex. Not even a little hand giggle from her. Oh she did write me a nice card one evening thinking it would keep the bread winner paying the bills a while longer. I was lucky it only lasted 12 years. Then 2 years to get the divorce. Then the standard things of trying to get the kids to hate me so I would not come around and see the kids etc. Typical crap males go through, you know. I tried everything, and did it for the kids mostly. Nothing works when a woman is through with you She's Done!

So best thing I can tell ya get out with your life. I almost died over my first one. My problem, I loved her! Worked 3 jobs to keep Her in the styles and culture She wanted. But guess what? She lost Her cash cow! She had not thought many things through. Like the this and that. Even though She had the original check book. I learn quick. I'm not dumb by any means.

Kiss the Kids and don't give up on them. Do for them as you can. If you don't make it in life, you won't be able to help them when they need it. So, ((You))
Have to be stable in your life, what ever that may be 1st. Then Help your children as you can. If She does anything keep a journal, write it down.
Write down every thing you can, time date etc. I hate to be the bad one here, but being honest. This is now about you getting all the support you can get. As I said keeping you together for the long hall. Your CDing was probably never the real issue. She probably just used that as a vehicle to get out of this marriage. No matter what they say. If a woman or anyone truly loves you for you, the clothing don't matter.

My Wife now said it's for better or worse, in sickness and in health. She stated that She would not leave me over my CDing. She thinks it is a sickness. As she stuck by me for years when I was sick from Cancer.
She said to me "Your Sick" several times. Last night in the truck coming home Her and I talked a long time about it. The first time she has wanted to really discuss it. I had all the answers ready. She's been reading the forum and I did not know that untill last week end. But because of Tamara and a couple other girls on here E-mailing my Wife. She now reads the postings on here.

That won't help if a woman says, "She has wanted out for a year". Nothing will except going out and starting over. If you want the Kids fight to get them.

My Cousin just did the same thing to Her Husband. Took everything she could from Him. She did go find a Black Born Female Lesbian as Her new SO. My cousin had a child of 12 and loving Husband at home. I tell you this, again no candy frosting. When they are done with you the gloves should come off. My Cousins Husband fought for His Daughter and has her 50% his ex has the girl the other 50%. His wife did the same thing to him 6 years prior and then came back to him. Took what She could for that 6 years, schooling from a college which is costly etc. He paid all the bills, everything. Why, cause He loved her. Even Her college loan, new car, everything. Now what? She's gone.

Put your house in order Hun. Keep your self together and stand up tall in those Heels. For life is to short to be used by your SO for a complete year and than have them say " Well, for the last year I have not loved you".

Gawd! Shaking my head here!
Your way to sweet, really.
You need to talk IM me. I'll talk to you as long as you want to. Or need to!

Haley:)

Where where you in 1991?:eek: When I needed to hear this!

Been there! Done that! Seen that train wreck happen to many times to others since then! True, un-condintional love? Yea! Right!

And, I'm not saying good women, of stong moral, virtues, and values aren't out there ~ they are! But, they're hard to find. THEY'RE are good women out there, who can and will tote the note on crossdressing. Who can not only be accepting and toletarant but participant.

But, they're rare? It gets crazy quick. Her job, your job, the kids, the taxes, the mortgage. Her boss, your boss, her in-laws, your outlaws.

I wished the best for you, but you need to take the attitude, and perspective of a sailor on the Arizona on Dec 7th! Its every man (or girl) for themselves. Now is the time to get very defensive! Now isn't the time to hang your azz out on a lover's cross. We're talking damage control. The ship's going down ~ no doubt, its no longer a question of that, its a question of how long you can keep her afloot? So that you can get yourself off of it?

If your "outed" most parent's and sibling's are accepting and forgiving, afterall you're one of the few people that have known them and known you , literally all of their lives! That's an exclusive club!

e-mail me if you feel the need!

[Billijo49504]

Not trying to be a smart something. I just asked my wife if she was going to divorce me for being a crossdresser. She said no, as long as I didn't do anything stupid. I asked what stupid was, and she said if I don't start bringing men home and expecially not women home. When we first married, she told me she didn't care what I brought home, as long as it wasn't another woman. There were hot rods, dogs, rabbits and the assorted jeep. Not counting the guns and tools and other toys. But not another woman. So, so far, I'm still in good favor at home, as I sit here on the puter, In my satin cami and jami pants, in bright blue. It's starting to get cool in the house, wish this thing had sleeves.
The best suggestion I can give you is, to keep getting counceling fopr your self. If nothing else, it will help keep you sane. And if the first councilor isn't to your liking, try another, till you find someone that works for you. Best wishes and good luck....BJ

[Kaitlyn Michele]

thnx again all!

the latest is that over the last few days as i've stewed and thought about all the mixed up stuff going thru my head, i finally lost my cool and just started ranting and raving and saying very dumb things on sat morning..one of the things she said is that basically i didnt understand that she couldnt come to terms with the crossdressing and i was a great husband in every other way and thats why this was all so hard for her....then we basically didnt talk, spent the day in her mom's house scowling...

this morning i confronted her about it being all about the crossdressing becasue we never ever talk about it...anyway, long story short, we are still going to separate, after xmas 'for the kids"

this is the brutally honest part..yesterday for the first time it hit me that I have a decision to make to...all this time i'm thinking about she's leaving me and how do i get her back and how crossdressing is killing our marriage...today i'm thinking about actually leaving and whether i even want to come back(the kids might bringme back no matter what)...

its all so confusing but one bad thing is that i am not getting one of those fantasy responses to my desire to dress up..

[Lauren_T]

thnx again all!

the latest is that over the last few days as i've stewed and thought about all the mixed up stuff going thru my head, i finally lost my cool and just started ranting and raving and saying very dumb things on sat morning..one of the things she said is that basically i didnt understand that she couldnt come to terms with the crossdressing and i was a great husband in every other way and thats why this was all so hard for her....then we basically didnt talk, spent the day in her mom's house scowling...

this morning i confronted her about it being all about the crossdressing becasue we never ever talk about it...anyway, long story short, we are still going to separate, after xmas 'for the kids"

this is the brutally honest part..yesterday for the first time it hit me that I have a decision to make to...all this time i'm thinking about she's leaving me and how do i get her back and how crossdressing is killing our marriage...today i'm thinking about actually leaving and whether i even want to come back(the kids might bringme back no matter what)...

its all so confusing but one bad thing is that i am not getting one of those fantasy responses to my desire to dress up..
...Michele, she is the one who is saying, "You're a great husband in every other way, but I can't accept your crossdressing." She needs a far better reason than "I don't like it."

Don't accept blame for this situation. Crossdressing is not what killing your marriage - her rigid, irrational attitude about it is.

[TGMarla]

its all so confusing but one bad thing is that i am not getting one of those fantasy responses to my desire to dress up..

Huh? You mean you don't desire to dress right now? Ahh...so what. It's such a little thing sometimes. To thine own self be true. Do what is important to you, and don't sweat the things that aren't important right now. You've got a life to live. The most important things to you right now has to be your own well being, your stability, and your kids....not a run in your pantyhose.

Remember...we're your friends.

Oh, and I agree with Lauren T. It's her attitudes that are killing your marriage, not necessarily YOU.

[Adrianne]

Hello Michele, i wish you all the best for the future. Your mom is right but some women can't get over there husbands being a crossdresser, my to be ex wife was the same as yours where crossdressing was concerned.
I know this is hard for you, i've been though what you are going though.
I am more happy in the last year since my wife and me split up, Michele it will get more easy as the weeks and months go by, it's just take time but as Julie said life must go on.
Your kids will love no matter what you and your wife deside to do.

Please take care.

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

Don't accept blame for this situation. Crossdressing is not what killing your marriage - her rigid, irrational attitude about it is.

Couldn't put it better myself. I know you love her, but sometimes things weren't meant to be. Going back to your original post, she said the feeling that she wasn't sure she loved you had been building up for years. So it sounds like there's something else that's been going on in her head -- crossdressing is just the straw that broke the camel's back. It's probably a convenient excuse she can tell herself without having to be honest the real reasons she wants to leave.

Obviously, being rejected hurts deeply -- and having children makes it all the more difficult -- but do you a "marriage" that's nothing more than trench warfare? There is someone out there who will value you for who you are, including your crossdressing.

As someone else said, it's probably not a bad idea to get some therapy for yourself, even if your wife isn't interested. You're going through a rough patch and it's good to have some there who can offer you a helping hand.