GG with CD/SO needs some feedback and advice

[Lady Panda]

Hi Ladies,

I joined a few months ago....and I am wondering if I should tell my SO that I joined here.

:idontknow: I do not know if she is a member ....I did :see at one time she had perused the site...but am still unsure if she is a member.


When My Gal came out I Joined here for support and understanding.
I totally love Her and support her in being CD. I love all parts of her /him.

My other delemma is : When we were talking and she finally came out to me I told her that I wouldn't tell anyone else that it was between us and nobody else.....I am wondering ...Did I violate that confidence? Did I violate that trust?

I mean it is totally annonymous and nobody knows personal identity Info. (real Names etc. ) I think I kept to the spirit ...didn't I?

I joined here to gain understanding for what she is going thru and to get insight also. So I could give the utmost in support for HER.

I also joined for my own peace of mind so to speak...to see how other GG w CDSOs deal with what or GALS go thru and the things that as a couple they face it together. It has really helped me alot. Like I said I am totally supportive and accepting of her / duality. I love that part of her. I encourage her at avery turn.

I got/ and get great support here and some great advice/info here.

i don't want to be hiding stuff( we all know how that goes) but I also dont want to hurt him/her because I may have violated that trust in seeking support here. He/ she is such a private person in regards to all other aspects of his/her life ...I am also a very private person.

Help.....I don't know what to do.

:idontknow::nailbiting::thinking::worried::Panda:

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Lady P., I don't know the answer but I sure wish that my wife would take that kind of interest in my dressing.

I would sure think that joining this forun would be a positive thing for him.

[STACY B]

Your SO should consider themselves LUCKY that you were smart enough to go an find some EDUCATION instead of running an hiding an pitching a fit about something that is realy no big deal . If they want to stay private tell them not to tell anyone an who will be the wiser ? No body knows yall on here ,, Its not like they have a mailing list ,,lol,,, This is just a forum for CDs an there love ones ,, If ya dont put up a pic who will know ? My SO has gottin on before but she dont care to much about what I do ,, Just dont dress like a HOOKER ,, An no SRS an we will be fine . But I think its great that you suport your partner ,,Most chix on here would give there whole world up for the support you show . Stay around an just read an check out the threads somemore ,, Its all good ,,, We are the same as everyone else ,,We just dress better , LOL,,,, :devil:

[Kathi Lake]

I think when your SO said he didn't want you telling anyone else, he probably meant family and friends. I would tell him that you are interested in his feelings, and trying to understand him more, so you searched for a few sites, found this one, and here you are. Say you found the site and the people pretty cool, and that they're helping you to understand. See what he says to that.

Kathi

[RebeccaLynne]

I joined a few months ago....and I am wondering if I should tell my SO that I joined here.

My heavens! You haven't disclosed your efforts to better understand your SO... time's a wasting! I'd suggest you do so immediately, 'cause if she's like me, she'd be flattered and appreciative that you'd endeavored to gain a greater understanding of her state of mind.

My GF joined years ago, yet hasn't logged on in almost as long. She's not interested in learning anything about our relationship that she doesn't hear from me... although I believe she'd benefit from the valuable contributions here.


My other delemma is : When we were talking and she finally came out to me I told her that I wouldn't tell anyone else that it was between us and nobody else.....I am wondering ...Did I violate that confidence? Did I violate that trust?

I mean it is totally annonymous and nobody knows personal identity Info. (real Names etc. ) I think I kept to the spirit ...didn't I?

I agree. Afterall, it is the internet. It's not like you've outed her to friends or family; to do so would be a betrayal of trust. IMO, you've simply reached out to a sympathetic audience in an effort to expand your comfort level.


I also joined for my own peace of mind so to speak...to see how other GG w CDSOs deal with what or GALS go thru and the things that as a couple they face it together. It has really helped me alot. Like I said I am totally supportive and accepting of her / duality. I love that part of her. I encourage her at avery turn.

You're a dream come true. Many CD'ers and supportive SO partners will most likely be applauding your efforts.

I'm certainly a member of that group. Keep up the good work. :)

[Joan_CD]

Hi and welcome. It's pretty hard to keep a confidence like this inside of you with no one to turn to for advice, venting, or understanding. It seems like you took the best avenue available; a place where you are anonymous, where gg's facing similar experiences can share with you, where cd's and other initials can give some insight to her thinking, and where it is pretty safe to do so. I'm not sure you broke a confidence or breached a trust by trying to learn and understand what you are both addressing. The old saying of ignorance is bliss is not always the right path. What you are doing by being here feels right, yes?

[Babeba]

I think that you are probably in the clear. This is an anonymous site, you haven't posted your husband's name or anything to identify you or him (you haven't even said whether washington means DC or State of) and therefore I think you have lived up to the spirit of your confidence.

If it makes you feel better, though, I definitely would encourage you telling him about this site! I find it really helpful to talk about certain threads with my partner and see how he/she feels about them, and what his/her opinions are. This site has really opened up a lot of dialogue for the two of us, and has helped make our relationship better because we are both on it. There is a lot I would have been unsure about, and unsure how to even bring up to talk about if it ever fully occurred to me, if it wasn't for this site.

:hugs:

[kimdl93]

No you didn't violate a trust. It is anonymous outs and you are here for all the right reasons. Relax.

[giuseppina]

Hello Lady Panda

As I said in another recent thread to another SO, thank you for investigating rather than heading for the hills upon learning of your BF's crossdressing.

What is done is done. You can't change it. I think your motivation is well-intentioned, but, as you say, secrets are not the best thing in a relationship. Perhaps it's time to tell your BF you've investigated CDing and opened an account here. Personally, I would be pleased, as I can only guess what a SO would think and feel when she learns of a rather taboo practice.

The internet is anonymous enough that telling us isn't likely to be a problem. While it is possible to track internet activities by IP and MAC address, this is specialised knowledge most people do not have. Amplifying Babeba's point, there is a Washington County in Oregon and probably other states, so I don't think you've revealed anything about your location.

[Barbara Ella]

LadyPanda. You joined a site to find out more about crossdressing. No one knows who you are. No one knows who your loving SO is. You have become a lot more knowledgeable since February. I hope keeping secrets does not mean stopping the desire to more fully understand a person and what they are about. I hope you two will have discussed how he feels about you knowing more about his feminine side. She may not feel like coming on here to chat with us other girls, but this can be discussed. He brought you into his feminine life, so I assume he is not embarrassed of what she does. I think you can very tactfully bring up your desire to more fully understand crossdressing to help her, you joined a site, and it has helped. If he is interested how this helped you understand her, your door is opened.

I cannot tell you what it would mean to me if my wife had continued her initial interest in she who is now Barbara. Sadly, she has retreated, hopefully for a short time.

Thank you ever so much for your interest.

Barbara

[Lainie]

Lady Panda,

You haven't violated a confidence, you've done a really supportive thing.

[kristinacd55]

Wow, what a difference you are from my wife/ex/separated or whatever it is today....she resented big time being dragged into the closet with me when she found out. Your sweetie's a real lucky CD to have you! Welcome to the forum btw! :)

[Bonnie J]

I am with the majority..I think you are fine as to the confidentiality thing. No sacred trusts were broken or anything even close. You came here to find a kinship with other gg's who are married to a CD.

I see no problem..enjoy and thanks.

[nvlady]

You have NOT violated that confidence.
I am deep in the closet, I am not out to anyone, but I can come here and talk to other gurls, and still be comfortable in my closet.

[~Joanne~]

I don't think you have either. I would certainly tell her you are here seeking support and a better understanding. If anything it would show that You are accepting and caring.

[Eryn]

What the heck, I'll pile on too.

Joining an anonymous forum for education and support is not a violation of trust. Everything you have done has been to support your SO and there are many CDers here who would do anything to have an SO like you.

If your SO is a member here then she knows the nature of the site and will understand. If your SO isn't a member we will be happy to welcome her and we'll do our best to help her understand.

[Jolene Robertson]

Lady P. I am with everyone else here. Don't think you did anything underhanded or that would violate confidence. My wife doesn't come here but fully supports me and we discuss some of the posts, she calls my time here "spending time with my girl friends". As some have indicated if your SO does not already belong she/he might enjoy it and become more comfortable with her/him self.
I commend you for being sensitive on this matter and seeking answers. Thank you for being a member.

Hugs
Jolene

[Silentpartner GG SO]

Hi Lady Panda,
welcome - I dont think anyone could say that you've violated a confidence but U think it's probably a good idea to tell your SO that you've joined and the reasons why - I would be amazed if he/she wasnt delighted you were seeking information, which can only help your relationship.

and why have I never seen you in the FAB forum??? if you're not a member already, do join - we are very supportive of each other.

SP xx

[Mollyanne]

OK Lady Panda, From reading all the responses to your "problem" the first thing is that THERE IS NO PROBLEM!!!!!! Your supportive nature and trust has indicated a level of acceptance that shows no boundaries!!!!!! Sit down w/ the "other half" and explain as to why you came here, IE: Information!!!!!! I think when all this comes out in the open and it's just between the both you there will be no "guilt" but a stronger bond between the both you.

Molly

[Jenniferathome]

Joining this site is a perfectly reasonable thing to do after the disclosure of crossdressing. You have not violated any trust at all. I see no harm in telling him about being a member here. In fact, better to tell then to be found out some day and be accused of spying. You are here for YOU, because HE is something you didn't understand.

[Rondawants]

I think you are fine with this! I also think maybe she would be pleased that your here! I know this site has given me a family of love and understanding. She is a lucky to have you!!!! Loves Ronda!!!!

[Cheryl T]

First of all a big "Thank You" for being one of the very supportive wives. It's something that those of us who are married all either thank God we have or wish that we had. It's such a relief to have someone so close to you that you can share this with as so many of us have hidden it from everyone for many years.

That being said, I would tell your spouse that you are a member and that you are here to gain insight and information in order to better understand and be as supportive as you can be. I'm certain that that would be welcomed.
As for breaking that trust...you didn't!! This is someplace we all come to for support and are comfortable here because it is anonymous for the most part (a little less for those of us that post pictures). I'm certain that your spouse meant family and friends because the fear of those close to us discovering our secret is something we all share. Too many have had those people turn away upon learning about this. We worry about being ostracized and being alone. Here you are free to share your thoughts and concerns without judgement.

I would ask you...have you joined the F.A.B. section (Female At Birth)?
My wife joined here shortly after I came out to her and she found that area quite helpful.

I think if you used this site as a stimulus for discussion to better understand your spouse's feelings and to learn you would both benefit, I know we have.

[Stephanie Michelle]

If anything he/she should be thanking you for learning what others like you two are going through. Although each person in this site have different reasons for what they do. It does open people to the general insights of this community. Good luck in telling her. You have a better start than most of us on the site.

[BRANDYJ]

Hi Lady Panda. I have not seen any of your 43 posts before. Odd that I have missed them or not remember the name.
No, you did not break trust in any way at all. You are not giving his/her name here. You are not using a name he would recognize as being you. So for the life of me I can't think of why anyone would think you are breaking trust. Needless to say, you are here with nothing but good intentions. You want to know more about transgender/crossdressing issues to better cope with and support your SO. That is admirable. I can not imagine him being upset with you for joining to learn more about what he and now you, are dealing with. I don't think you should hide it from him however. Let him know you joined and for what purpose. He should be thankful.

[Tina B.]

Please, no pictures! after all that's the only way you could out her, you didn't give us her name, or where she lives, so we don't know her, and you have not betrayed anyone. But I don't think I would keep it a secret, I would explain that it is anonymous, but it has helped you understand her better, and it's the only place you have to find answers to questions you need to understand. Then share your posting with her, so she see's it's only about support, not exposer. You should be alright if she thinks about it.
We have a lot of girls here that wish they had the support you are giving your SO.
Tina B.

[Babeba]

I should also point out that in most relationships on here, it's the cross dressing partner worried about how to disclose to their GG SO! That symmetry to your situation really strikes my whimsy. :)

[max]

I'd say as long as you keep it anonymous and don't share any more personal information (bedroom stuff,fantasies etc.) you're in the clear.

Oh and I'm totally stealing that awesome panda smilie, just FYI.

:Panda:

[Desiree2bababe]

The fact that you care and are open enough to join a site like this is icing on the cake. I'd say your crossdresing SO is a lucky person. I don't see how you have violated anything. I hope ya'll make it.

[Alice B]

I don't think you have violated and form of trust. In fact, that you came to this site for understanding and to further you acceptance shows strong support and trust. You are to be commended.

[NicoleScott]

Things aren't always black or white.....unless you're a Panda. haha
Seriously, no violation of confidence - no identifying information was exposed.
You're SO is fortunate to have you.

[Tracii G]

I think as most that have already posted.
You have done the right thing and no trust has been violated as far as I see it.
Most CD's here would love have their SO be as accepting as you are.Mine is just like you and loves my duality.
She says it makes me 100 times more interesting than anyone she has dated.
You sound like a lovey person and I wish you both all the best. :)

[Eryn]

I should also point out that in most relationships on here, it's the cross dressing partner worried about how to disclose to their GG SO! That symmetry to your situation really strikes my whimsy. :)

Mine too, including the "is not having told equivalent to deception?" concept that seems to have been quite firmly (and rightly) laid to rest here.

[ReineD]

My other delemma is : When we were talking and she finally came out to me I told her that I wouldn't tell anyone else that it was between us and nobody else.....I am wondering ...Did I violate that confidence? Did I violate that trust?

No. :)

You're anonymous here as would be your SO, should he/she join.

But, do you think your SO might resent your seeking more information about the CDing? I know that my SO in the beginning did not want me to put her "in a box" with all the other CDers (as if they all are in the same box to begin with, lol). I guess she didn't want me to "tell" her who she is or what motivates her, which I never have nor will I ever, since no one can determine this other than herself. But, joining this site did provide me with some specific questions, I was able to see the paths that some of the other CDers take and I also could also discern a consistency in general tastes, and I dare say that she was often frustrated with not always knowing the answers to my questions about her preferences or her goals.

The path to determining how far a CDer is willing to take this, all the while combatting male socialization, can be arduous. So if a CDer isn't quite ready to embrace one or several aspects of the CDing, it makes sense he won't be all too keen to discuss the topic at length and he will prefer to meander down the path slowly at his own pace.

Might it be that you sense this and this is why you are reluctant to share with your SO that you've joined here?

[Tracii G]

ReineD Your insight amazes me.
That is the way I felt when my SO asked questions.

[AberdeenQueen]

I just met a GG that has an incredible attitude for CD such as I am... and I have some interesting ideas on how it and sex all fits together well and even with religion beleifs, on humbling oneself, etc... No time right now. Actually very little spare time... but if we want to go there, I'll have to get her input here. I am recently widowed, started looking for a GG friend, turned away a handful of losers, found this one lady and had an exciting first meeting, blasted her with the full truth and she thought it was great! It's kinda scary how well we are suited and how fast it's gone... I have tested her convictions and she doesn't shrink at all. Absolutely incredible. But being in a spouse position, you could much more easily shrink from the idea. BIG Kudos to you girl... this is true love, keeping an open mind under a wife's position. urprisingly, MOST wives have a very bad reaction... but then there are a huge percentage of married couples that don't really love each other that well. Now THAT'S what I call a dysfunctional relationship.
I read ReineD's response and yes, there is allot in there... I would like to do an amen, there are a bunch of variations on CD within the group and when first discovering there is more than just YOU, it is daunting at first. As a CD I had often enouraged my spouse to go to a CD meeting or social event... not just a bar social, but you can find larger more formal gatherings that would be a real eye opener in a safe environment, for you both to see the whole gammet and know that you fit in there somewhere! My first time ever dressing in public, if this qualifies, was going to a Best estern hotel where they had a huge auditorium reserved for their meeting... I went drab, but underdressed and with a bag of outer clothes, just in case. They had two rooms also that sisters were gettin dressed in and they recognized me as a scared newbie and they were so awfully kind, helping me with makeup I didn't bring, lent me a wig, it was just so super awsome and a great function. AND there were quite a few wives there with their CDhusbands! Imagine that, Happy wives with their CDHusbands! Holy COW. there was an after party in at least one of the rooms I heard, but not for me. I have also attended a home party and a hotel room party (strictly platonic because I was happily married and looked on fooling around with CD's as cheating just the same as with another woman). There were other CD's without their wives who sat and talked while a few were getting crazy right next to us! and the house CD party there were a few wives and some girlfriends. One GG was a professional makeover artist helping the gurls put on makeup. he was pretty and single and had I not been happily married, I'd have gotten to know her better. o it is not so traumatic or so sensational to be married to a CD. It's an exciting hobby, if you want to look at tit that way... something to keep the passion alive, into the golden years! I'm 57 and just started having the best sex of my life! My girlfriend is overweight but that is really a minor detail for a person that accepts me the way I am. Live life fully and passionately, sure eat healthy and diet if you like but not to an extreeme and sacrifice one of the simple pleasuers of life... I am digressing now, but my ex wife, passed away from Lung cancer at 52, she was gorgeous, prety great figure, a health nut, reading prevention magazine, eating salads with little dressing while I and our daughter ... didn't eat so healthy... and she got cancer and died. o, yes, be concerned with diet and exercise, but it is not the end all and don't discount passions and pleasures that are simple, moral, loving, etc... CD is NOT deviant behavior. The law has strict definitions of deviant behavior. I tahn God in prayer my passions are not deviant and quite inoquous (spelling?) and benign in nature. God bless you girl for loving him so well and God bless your mariage, health and children (if applicable).

[ReineD]

Hmm. AberdeenQueen, I'm glad you found someone to share this with. But I would rather you had said, "the ladies with whom I did not click", rather than call them losers. :sad:

Thanks, Tracii. :) I've learned a lot from my participation here and from my SO.

[Lady Panda]

But, do you think your SO might resent your seeking more information about the CDing? I know that my SO in the beginning did not want me to put her "in a box" with all the other CDers (as if they all are in the same box to begin with, lol). I guess she didn't want me to "tell" her who she is or what motivates her, which I never have nor will I ever, since no one can determine this other than herself. But, joining this site did provide me with some specific questions, I was able to see the paths that some of the other CDers take and I also could also discern a consistency in general tastes, and I dare say that she was often frustrated with not always knowing the answers to my questions about her preferences or her goals.

The path to determining how far a CDer is willing to take this, all the while combatting male socialization, can be arduous. So if a CDer isn't quite ready to embrace one or several aspects of the CDing, it makes sense he won't be all too keen to discuss the topic at length and he will prefer to meander down the path slowly at his own pace.

Might it be that you sense this and this is why you are reluctant to share with your SO that you've joined here?

I don't think she would resent me seeking information...however, the rest of the things you said hit the head of the nail right on the head. In fact, it brought tears to my eyes that you had so much insight. That you totally understand where I am coming from.

Thank you !

She is such a shy person to begin with. Doesn't talk very much as it is. I'm the total extrovert. I talk enough for the both of us. I agree that she seems to want to meander down the path slowly at his own pace. IS really what is going on. I try not to push and i often find myself slightly frustrated when I can't help or have answers .And it frustrates her that she doesn't even have the answers either. So I have taken the hands off approach and try to let him lead the way. Not any easy task......I wait and be patient.

Patience for me is a hard thing. But I am learning. I am the type of person when I see a situation I dive into the ocean and basically explore everything around me ...so to speak.

I guess that is why I am reluctant to tell him/her because I don't want to push. I dont want her to think I am pushing. I don't want to hurt her . But being the person that I am, I don't like to hide things. and it makes me feel uneasy with holding on to this. But I fear that if I hold it too long and he finds out by himself it will make him feel betrayed.

Having this discussion has made me feel better but I know that I have to take the plunge and just sit him down and tell him/her.

[Huntress]

L.P.,
You are almost exactly on course with your loving approach to supporting your other half. Diving in, studied work, seeking advice, etc. All right on target.

BUT, if you feel more than a little angst ridden, maybe you should gift him/her with a Brand New Ferrari 458 Spider. Red or Yellow. You will then be able to bask in the glow of having done the right thing.

AND, two hot babes racing around the countryside with the top down... Oooooh!

Huntress

[Shananigans]

Lady Panda,

Welcome to this forum! I don't think that you have really violated the privacy of your SO. You can be as anonymous as you want to be here, and I think it's fine as long as you keep your SO anonymous too. Of course, your SO may feel differently...but, that's my opinion. I understand being the "extrovert" in the relationship with a somewhat shy SO. That's totally my situation too ;)

I think you can learn a lot here. The Loved Ones section is super helpful for couples. There are a lot of people in relationships that post on that section of this forum. You may also be interested in joining FAB (female-at-bith) section. It is the section of the forum that is for GGs in relationships with TG people. It's also a good place to find like-minded GGs, and where you can also talk about things not related to CDing.

So, it's awesome that you are here and are supporting your SO. It was probably very difficult for your SO to share this with you. I would recommend at least telling your SO about this site, and letting her decide whether or not she wants to be a member. It will also allow you guys to talk about your comfortable level of privacy. My SO and I aren't very private on here, but we are also "out" to our friends and family. So, our privacy here is mainly just your standard level of protection on the internet. But, your SO can be here, be completely anonymous, and have a cartoon avatar. I'd say the majority of people here are pretty anonymous, so your SO would fit right in. :)

[Lady Panda]

Well ladies,
I told him/her today about being a member here ....but it was quite an emotional roller coster ...Cried alot while telling . I can't even begin to understand what you girls go thru when telling your even bigger secret.

At first she had a scared look on her face....but as I explained about annonymity of it all she seemed to relax. and was ok. I thionk she was just scared that someone would find out ...after that she was ok and even supportive about it.

Told her that she could join and maybe it would help her to decide/figure out about how far she wanted to go w things about dressing .

I just want to thank all of you ladies for your advice... you all made me feel so much better and gave me the courage to tell.

Don't know if she will join ...but the ball is in her court now.

[Jolene Robertson]

LP, Glad it went well you are an amazing lady and she/he is lucky to have you. I hope she joins as you have learned and expressed to her we are not a bunch of perverts here and she would be welcome. Thanks for allowing us to play a part.
Yes the Ladies that I have got to know here are very special people, Love you all.

Hugs
Jolene

[BRANDYJ]

Hate to be one that says, "see, I told you so". LOL But seriously, I just knew telling him/her would be OK. It was not even a close call concerning confidentiality. You say he is shy, so I bet inside he is more then just OK and supportive. I bet he is happy and proud if you for taking the initiative to learn and help you to understand more about what he is faced with/. That act alone shows you love him and care. He is a very lucky guy/girl.

[Beverley Sims]

You haven't violated any confidences if you have kept anonymous.
We generally don't post phone nos and addresses.
Discussions are usually generic and generalised to say the least.
You can identify someone you know if they post a unique situation on here.
ie. Bungy jumping off the empire state bldg. could get you exposed.
I remember one person exposing themselves because they were chosen for a football team but I do not think the world stopped for them.
Your SO should be pleased that you have come here and you should encourage her to also join.
Then you can both join in the fun.:)

[bridget thronton]

I am glad things worked out well after your disclosure - I think you will enjoy reading the comments posted by many of the SO's

[jillleanne]

You certainly did not violate anything in the trust department. If you are concerned about it, I would simply ask your s/o if they would feel anything negative if you were to join here for support? At least that way you would find out how they feel about you being a member here, assuming the s/o is truthful. My only concern would be if your cd/so were to misread why you are here and think you are spying on them, if you will. I know, sounds stupid but hey, who knows? I would like to think they would think it's a good idea if that's what you want. My s/o is not a member here but can join whenever she wants; I'd welcome that. She however does not feel the need or want to be a member so that's fine with me also.

[jackie k]

That's so cool that your so understanding and supportive. I am just as lucky as you spouse as my wife totally supports me. I also don't want anyone "at this time" to know. And I told her first thing that I joined this forum. I am 51 and I've only been married for 5 yrs. But for the first time in my life I am totally honest with no secrets. I can keep nothing, good or bad ,from her. Secrets suck. Bring up the subject and see how it goes. I'm sure it'll be ok

[Eryn]

Lady Panda, please show your husband the forum and specifically this thread. We'd love to have her join us and I'll bet that we would all profit from her being here.

[Dana3]

IMHO No you didn't violate her/his trust ~ your simply looking for answers and solutions. Your not only a wonderful woman, wife, ~ your a beautiful person who anyone would be fortunate and blessed to have in their lives.

Just guessing I would bet your a very caring, sharing, loving, out-going person even to strangers ~ such as my SO is. Private ~ but with a Heart of Gold.

[jenny76]

I think you did/are doing a great thing, and I'm glad it went ok.. She's lucky to have someone who cares so much. only advice I can think of is try to go at a pace she's comfortable with. whatever it is, is fine.. a nudge or two might help maybe :)