The change from Wrong to Just Different

[Sarah Doepner]

I was trying to remember when I made that mental jump where Crossdressing moved from being Wrong to being Just Different. I had been dressing infrequently for many years and had slowly been expanding my collection of clothing and accessories. It was still "wrong" as I began to take my things with me when I traveled for work and even to my first meeting with other crossdressers. It was a day or two later on the way home it hit me and I accepted my crossdressing and rejected the Wrongness that had been weighing me down. That was about 11 years ago and I've been much happier, most of the time, since that weight was banished.

Have you been able to make that jump? If so, what were the circumstances that helped?

[KlaireLarnia]

I don't think I ever saw it as "wrong". It was just something I did. Okay at first I did not understand the real reasons behind WHY I did it - whereas now I do. But it was not wrong, I knew it was not "normal" and therefore something to be kept private. Even now I accept it is not "normal" as in not something mainstream society does openly - it is just what I do and frankly I have no issue with that at all.

[JiveTurkeyOnRye]

It's funny, I just posted a new entry to my tumblr blog when I came on here and saw this thread. The entry is titled "Yeah, I get that it's weird." And is talking about the people who I encounter who seem to think I don't understand that I dress weird. But I talk about how being weird is better than being ashamed or hiding.

[bridget thronton]

I have mostly made that jump - but there are still a few areas off my life where cd would not be tolerated (so I take the don't make waves position there)

[Laura912]

Sarah, I wonder if the feeling of wrongness, which stills haunts me, is a function of age. Older members who dealt with this during the middle and latter part of the last century, may have a harder time getting rid of the "wrongness." It would be a good item for the bucket list...leaving the wrongness behind.

[Tracii G]

Not wrong at all in my eyes just an expression of who we are.
We are just different.

[Cheryl T]

For me it was coming out to my wife about 8 years ago and her acceptance that helped me make the leap and accept myself. Also a big factor was the support from my Tri-Ess group and all the wonderful people there.

[JenniferR771]

About 5 minutes after entering the door at my first Tri-ess support group meeting.

[Lainie]

Big issue for a lot of us. I was very troubled by sneaking around before I came out to my wife. Eventually we came to an understanding that she doesn't expect me to stop, but can't handle the stress of dealing with it. So now I sneak around because that's what she can accept.

Another critical step was the decision never to buy anything (except underwear) unless I entered the store fully en femme and tried it on. Before, I often bought for a "fix", and wasted the money. Shopping like a normal woman is fun--asking for advice, chatting with store owners & SAs. It helped me accept that this was ok with other people, and cut down on just throwing money away for nothing.

... although still once in a while, I pull something out if the closet & ask "what was I thinking!?". LOL

[rachel38]

my wife and I are kinda in the same boat as Lainie . I have been dressing from my early teens. When I came out to my wife she couldn't accept it. So I dress when she's away or when I am and she pretents to ignore it.

[Eryn]

As I continue to search for my own "self" I have crossed that boundary several times and will probably continue to do so. In some circumstances I feel downright normal, but it's difficult to keep 40 years of self-repression from leaking out now and then.

[docrobbysherry]

Still working on this, Sarah. As u well know, like Ryan, I may be a little "different" different! If u think it's wrong, it IS! I'm happy that Ryan is good with dressing! I'm not quite there yet.

And then, there's that SEX thing, too! Sigh!

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Sara, How can something that feels so good be wrong.

[NathalieX66]

For me it was coming out to my wife about 8 years ago and her acceptance that helped me make the leap and accept myself. Also a big factor was the support from my Tri-Ess group and all the wonderful people there.

I learned about Tri-Ess in a Time magazine article about 15 or so years ago, it just looked like a bunch of guys wearing wigs and nail polish. At that time I had no idea how deep it was, nor was I completely accepting of my own situation. I will say thanks to you Cheryl, 3S did help me earn my wings.

[Lorileah]

I never made the jump to "just different": I started there.I worked hard to not be but then I decided that everyone is different. I never fit the stereotypical manly ideal. I tried, I really really did. I succeeded a little. I was angry, I was (and still am I guess) a fixer, I was a letch and a cad and whatever. I jumped when I saw the end of the tunnel (there is no light BTW just the end of the tunnel). When I realized no one gets out of here alive. I was 40. Midlife crisis. And for the most part I didn't care anymore how people saw me other than wanting to be seen as a good person. This has been reinforced over the last 5 years or so. Look at what gets done by different. Now look at what gets done by being the same. Different is good

[Cynthia Anne]

When I was a child I wondered why I felt difference then other boys! As I grew older I realized that I'm just being me and should of been born as a girl!

[Michelle Crossfire]

you know, we don't have a chapter of Tri-Ess in Ohio. nearest one is in Lansing, MI.


For me it was coming out to my wife about 8 years ago and her acceptance that helped me make the leap and accept myself. Also a big factor was the support from my Tri-Ess group and all the wonderful people there.

[Sarah Doepner]

I'm pleased to see that support groups played a part for several of us as we sought to understand and accept our crossdressing. Although there aren't chapters of Tri-Ess everywhere, there have to be other support groups around.

At the risk of hi-jacking my own thread, it would be good to find out where people can go other than to Tri-Ess for support. I'd suggest Universities and local Pride groups as a start. The effort of finding that key that helps you drop that load of guilt associated with "wrong" is worth it. We talk about the pink fog, but that dark gray fog of denial and confusion is worse.

[Michelle Crossfire]

i think it has always been just different. one reason it is considered wrong is that is the general population thought due to ignorance, which is prevalent in alot of apsects of society, not just cd'ing. in one of my jobs, i occasionally deal with cd'ers and just think of them as another customer. some put some real effort into looking the part, others, not so much. personally, different spices things up a bit.

[Jennifer W]

Not wrong at all in my eyes just an expression of who we are.
We are just different.

I agree Tracii. We are all people, just different from others.

[Erin McShea]

Like others have said,I don't know if I felt it was "wrong" but I knew it was not "normal".
Have been dealing with that guilt you speak of for decades and just this year I have come to terms with who I am(partly from this forum)and now embrace it instead of denying my true self. I am finally able to bring myself to go into therapy and talk about it with someone else besides my wife. It was one of the hardest yet most relieving things I have EVER done in my life!

And I have to give thanks to you fine ladies here who have inspired me to get to this point. Thank You All!!:)

Erin

[Jorja]

As I am much more than a crossdresser I won't take up too much of your time. I just wanted to share that the "wrongness" you are talking about comes from many years of mental conditioning. From the day we are born, we are told boys don't do that. Boys don't play with dolls. Boys don't dress like that. It goes on and on. By the time many of us are old enough to chose how we want to live, we have 18 to 21 years of conditioning. For many, it is even longer because they must hide. Hiding their dressing reinforces the message that it is wrong. Learning to express just who you are can take a lifetime under "normal" circumstances let alone the confusion that we endure.

Understand this, there is nothing wrong with wearing women's clothing. Getting that to sink in to our heads is where the problem lies.

Look pretty and enjoy!

[RebeccaLynne]

Have you been able to make that jump? If so, what were the circumstances that helped?

Sarah, just as Klaire, Tracy, Lorileah, and others have stated, we never felt we were wrong, just different.

I've never belittled myself for CD'ing, although I understood it was socially unacceptable; it made me happy, and still does.

I guess my first foray into dressing as a girl at the age of four caused there to be no circumstances precluding my further exploration; it just felt right.

[STACY B]

It always depended on who caught you ? Thats how you would know how WRONG it was . Cuz Im sure they would tell you ,, Sense they Created the world an have all the answers . Cuz if ya think about it an I CAUGHT YOU ,,, It would not be wrong ,,,Right ? But if someone else thats not like US Caught you Im sure they would give you there thoughts . So it was only wrong being BUSTED by the wrong catcher ? Think about that ?

[Miriam-J]

I went through many years of just *knowing* it was wrong, but in those years I seemed to have absolute certainty about a number of right and wrong things. As with many of thos assumptions, the black and white gradually turned to shades of gray. In the case of my crossdressing, I came to the conclusion by my late 30s (I'm nearly 52 now) that it was certainly on the "right" side of that continuum and it continued to shift that way in the years that followed. After meeting the lady who's now my lovely wife it became easy to see it as fully right, with the recognition that not everyone agrees (i.e., different). It's been a wonderful transition through many transitions of my assumptions.

Miriam

[Sarah Doepner]

It always depended on who caught you ? Thats how you would know how WRONG it was . Cuz Im sure they would tell you ,, Sense they Created the world an have all the answers . Cuz if ya think about it an I CAUGHT YOU ,,, It would not be wrong ,,,Right ? But if someone else thats not like US Caught you Im sure they would give you there thoughts . So it was only wrong being BUSTED by the wrong catcher ? Think about that ?

Good point. It seems the 'value judgement' was either one we slowly got from encounters with culture or the people we associated with, comments, stories, photos etc. and heard what those around us had to say or we got caught. If I had been caught by someone who thought it was cute and helped me explore my gender questions my life would have been much different. However, when my mother caught me she was pretty damn sure her son trying on her things was quite wrong and that stayed with me for a very long time. Now that I think about it it lasted just over 30 years.