Did you ever feel like you were the only one?

[Brittany CD]

In your life, did you ever feel like you were the only crossdresser in the world? If you were, how and when did you realize there are crossdressers all over the world?

For me, I always knew there were more crossdressers growing up. I always felt that it wasn't isn't unheard of for guys to dress in women's clothing, even if most of them stay in the closet. But I figured that it was impossible to appear as a woman

I will say though, YouTube was a great way for me to really realize how incorrect I was about crossdressing. I still remember the first time I watched a crossdressing video on YouTube and was amazed at the sight of a man actually becoming a woman through makeup and a wig

[heatherdress]

By high school, I guess I realized there were crossdressers. I never knew how many. Or much about crossdressers. This forum, more than anything else, has made me realize the numbers, diversity, feelings, ideas, worries, adventures, humor, style, thoughts, fears and support of so many other crossdressers.

[Amy Fakley]

God, did I ever. I grew up very "sheltered", in a fundamentalist ultra-conservative family in the deep south. Up until about 14 or so I had a serious fear that I was possessed by demons (no joke). The first inkling I ever had that there was a larger world out there was (I think) an episode of Donahue in the 80's featuring crossdressers. I snuck a peek at the show, but got shutdown hastily by my watchdog parents. Funny ... they were watching me like a hawk but couldn't see what what really happening with me (or maybe they could and they were scared of it ... I dunno).

All I can say is "thank god for the internet". Youngsters these days ... bet they hardly ever seriously consider demonic possession ... all they gotta do is hit google up on their iPhones, LOL :-)

[SuzanneS]

I think I did, but had no idea until I got on the internet for the first time back in July of '99. It's amazing how much information is out there that is available when you use just the right words... Miss Vicki Rene is the first site I came across way back when..... I was in awe of all the pretty women that I tried to be like, but thought I'd never be. I had no idea that there was so many others out there. Her site gave me a little bit of confidence that maybe someday that I could look as good as the pictures that I'd seen. Wow....just sitting here thinking about it amazes me that I've been working on it only this long....I'm not perfect, but I've come a long way, baby. :)

Suzanne

[NathalieX66]

I started out with my sister's clothes when I was 6 or 7 in secret , got infatuated with them ever since. I sepnt my teen and college years wanting and wishing i could dress like girl. I dressed in secret.

I lived near a club that did trans night every wednesday...never attended because I thought people from near I worked would be there. Wrong.

Nowadays I'm open and out of the closet.

[Silmaril]

I absolutely thought I was the only one. During my teens, I was deeply ashamed of this awful, perverse thing that gave me such pleasure. I was aware of the idea of cross-dressing, but it was always something to be laughed at, like Harvey Korman on the Carol Burnett Show. No "real" cross-dressing.

The first thing I ever formally read confirming it's existence was in a textbook for a psychology course in college ...*abnormal* psychology, sadly enough. I still remember the sick feeling in my stomach as I read ahead one day in class, finding a section on sexual dysfunction. It described cross-dressing as a fetish, and featured a garish picture of someone in over-the-top drag. It painted a bleak picture, suggesting cross-dressers would have a hard time fitting in to society. It was very upsetting. I know now how limited an understanding there was at the time.

When the Internet was finally out of its fledgling stages, I found more evidence that I was not alone, but again, it was a near miss. It was a site focused on guys who wanted to be feminized into being maids. There was a lot of dominance and spanking. I don't mean to look down on that; if that's what you're into and no one is getting hurt (other than perhaps a solid spanking), I say do what makes you happy. But that wasn't my deal, so again it was actually rather upsetting.

After years of self torture believing I was some kind of perverted freak, all evidence that I wasn't alone led me to believe that my "sisters" were either dysfunctional sexual deviants or were dying to be spanked for being such naughty maids.

...which was still pretty much like being alone. I was a boy who really wanted nothing more than to be a really pretty girl; there seemed to be no evidence of anyone like me out there.

One day, I found a site that described "the rainbow of cross-dressing," which listed the fascinating continuum that I see discussed here so often; everything from casual fetishists at one end to men who might undergo surgery to become a full-time woman. It's the first thing I remember seeing that gave me hope that there must be others out there who fit into those categories, so there must be *some* people in my exact part of the rainbow.

The first solid confirmation I ever found of that was when I found this very site years and years ago.

[Lorileah]

I never thought i was the only one but I did think it was a bad thing to be. The interwebs has shown me that isn't true

[Marcia Blue]

I was aware of Drag Queens and Female Impersonators, when I was younger. I figured that they did it for the money. I really did not know about crossdressers until 1996, when I started cruising the Internet.

I really was relieved to find that I was not alone, in my fem feelings and urges to dress.

I ventured around the net a lot, discovering crossdressing sites. I followed DeeDee Crossmore, till she stopped updating her website. Read about Tri-Ess, and stumbled on the Joe Bates Saga. I never joined a forum till I found this one.

[Barbara Ella]

As i grew up, matured, and became a senior citizen on medicare, I knew about transvestites, Ru Paul, Christine Jorgensen, et al, but not being a crossdresser until 65, I did not give them a negative thought, they were just part of life, but not mine.

However, when I put on that first pair of panties 11 months ago, I immediately entered a world of one as i wondered why i would do this, and want to do it over and over. I had never heard the term crossdresser. And when I googled transvestite etc, I knew i was not like any of them as the plethora of porn sites that came up really made me feel alone as it looked like this was all there was available.

Fortunately i found this site two months after starting dressing, and it gave me such a sense of relief to see others like me engaging in this activity called crossdressing. So yes, I did feel alone and confused for a short time, but boy did the girls here set me straight.

Barbara

[docrobbysherry]

For over 10 years I dressed alone in a complete vacuum! Thot there MUST be other dressers but was also pretty sure they weren't like me!

Nearly 5 years ago I came out online here. And, found I WAS RITE!

[bridget thronton]

Until I started looking on the Internet several years ago I had no idea there were so many girls like me

[Cynthia Anne]

I too knew I was the only one until in my teens when I read about Christene Jorgensten! Growing up in the cornfields didn't give much light on what was going on around the world!

[sterling12]

BTI....(Before The Internet,) we were isolated and it was very rare to even hear about another crossdresser, let alone know one. As a kid coming of age in The Sixties, let me explain how I found out there were "others."

Part of being a teenage male back then involved a time-honored tradition of trying to lay your hands on some Porn! About the only way to obtain that Porn aside from the classic "mag exchange," usually provided by A Friend's Older Brother, was a trip to The Absolute Sleaziest Part of Town to find what was then called "A Dirty Book Store." IF you were brave enough to go that far, get past the greasy guy behind The Counter, and actually look at The Mag Titles before making your selection; tucked away might be a couple of "masterpieces" entitled things like "Guys in Gowns," or "Drag World." Now taking it a step further, you then had to be completely fearless (or desperate) enough to go up to The Counter and plunk down an enormous sum of money for one of those Rags. Joanie was desperate enough!

Once you got it home, safely tucked into your bedroom, you got to see guys in evening gowns in very heavy makeup, posing in front of a strange Mardi Gras painting at some guy's apartment in Greenwich Village. Apparently, all other Transvestites lived in N.Y.C., they all worked at The 82/23/8hundred and 99th Club, and they adored "big strong men with muscles and lots of money!"

Wasn't much, but it was a Start! Found an Ad for Rose Lee's Shop in Chicago, and that led me on another adventure and a Road Trip to The Windy City. I have related that story in a previous Posting, and it's not germaine to our current discussion.

So, to answer your question? For us "Old Birds." "Yes, we felt alone, we felt isolated, and not sure that anybody was out there who was like us." Not being A Drag Queen from New York City, I still wasn't sure if anybody was a kid who liked to wear panties and stockings.. Eventually if you were persistent enough, you did find others, but trust me; it sure wasn't easy!

Peace and Love, Joanie

[BRANDYJ]

When I started at age 10 or so, I felt very strongly that I must be the only boy in the world like me. Even though I had heard about Christine Jorgensen, I didn't associate what she did with my dressing like a girl. I don't remember when finally figured ot out that I was not alone, but I bet I was in my late teens, 17 or so. I also did not associate the comics that dressed on movies with what I did. But that first year was filled with real worry that there was something wrong with me.

[Beverley Sims]

I was the only one till I discovered "things" on the internet.:)
The rest is history and contained in the previous 14 posts.

[Jolene Robertson]

Katie, I always used to think that all crossdressers were Drag Queens. I lived in a fairly small town and although I'm sure there were others they were either in the closet or pulled it off quite well. It wasn't until I retired and to spend a little more time on the net and found this site that I realized how many of us there are, and I'm sure there are a whole lot more that are still lost and feeling as guilty as I used to. I hope they find us, this place has helped me so much in coming to terms with myself. Sorry for going on so long.
In answer to your original question (YES).

Hugs
Jolene

[Cheryl T]

I felt that way from about the age of 8 till I was 18. At that point I could go into the adult bookstores (no internet then). That's where I found videos and magazines and realized that there were others like me.

[Claire Cook]

Katie,

Omigosh, yes. I grew up in a conservative family, was very naive about sex and gender, and for years thought I was the only one who cd'd. Men who cd'd in movies and TV (Some Like it Hot aside) made fun of women, which I found disgusting. I think it was reading Jan Morris' wonderful biography (Conundrum) that made me aware of TG issues. It really wasn't until the Internet, and sites like this and PinkEssence, that I realized how many of us there are. Truly a revelation for me.

[UNDERDRESSER]

I thought I was the only one who did what I did, ( got turned on by wearing girls underwear ) then i realized there were other similar people out there, ( those strange, confusing ads in the back of magazines, TV? why are they talking about television? Ohhhhhhh.... ) I knew about Danny la Rue, ( The Rue Paul of his generation ) Didn't think I wanted to do that, so i thought the others were all wierdos and freaks. Am I wierdo? A freak? Am I gay?

Looking back on it, very confusing and somewhat damaging period of my life. really only recently starting to come out of that, so much happier now. Thanks to all of you for your part in that!

[KarenCDFL]

What a great posting!

I started dressing at 3 or 4 in my mom's stockings and such.

I thought I was alone till I got a Compuserve account when I was in my late teens and found the CIS TG Forums.

It opened opened whole new world for me.

And the rest is history!

[tifftg]

Joanie captured my youth, fears and struggles so well. I also remember Prodigy and AOL were the beginnings of reaching out to others. The doors to the world are wide open compared to the 70's and 80's and that is a great thing.

[Debra Russell]

I just thought I was a sexual pervert - even if it was just girls clothes, and tried to overcome it, thought it was all from the devil that was back in the 50's. Don't remember feeling guilty though - just didn't want to get caught, and yes kudos to those who paved the way back then and the internet. This site is a tremendous resource..................Debra

[BillieJoEllen]

Before I got into CDing trouble at age 15 I heard about Christine Jorgensen and a sailor that became a woman. I also heard of a man that appeard in our uptown department store fully dressed as a woman. I was at a police picnic party and the officers really had a field day with that one. I was full of amazement and wonder that there was another someone that dressed in women's clothes (never heard the word transvestite or crossdresser at that time). At least I knew I wasn't the only one in the world that did that.

Once I was given my sentence by the judge for my CDing indiscretion I found out that there were many others like me in my therapy sessions. I just didn't know where to look to find them. I did find some magazines in an adult store that featured CDers. Then about 1998 I came upon the internet and I joined some chat rooms. At last I felt connected and tons upon tons of guilt cascaded away from me.

I sincerely thank you all for being a part of my relatively 'new world'.

[yamicd]

Oh yes. when I began at 12 or so I thought there must be something wrong with me for feeling so good in womens clothing and lingerie. It wasnt untill years later that I found out there were others in the world like me. It took the internet for me to really see I wasn't alone in my feelings and was surprised to see how many others were into so many differant styles..

Dianne

[suzy1]

I never new there were others like me although I had seen a documentary on T.V. about a C.D.er but he was a bit weird to say the least.
But I never worried about it. I just enjoyed my feminine side.

What really opened my eyes only three years ago was finding this forum. It’s been said many times how great this forum is but I am going to say it again.
I found all you lot here, you’re all wonderful and you’re all like me! [Well not exactly like me but you know what I meen]

I wonder sometimes how many C.D.ers find this site and it transforms there opinion of themselves and gets rid of there negative feelings they have about there dressing.

[Michaela42]

Katigal, the full story is rather long (and probably pretty boring), but if you are interested (or anyone is) feel free to PM me.

But yes, I felt as if I was the only one in a way. It was not until I worked up the courage to look up "men wearing women's clothing" in a medical encyclopedia at the local library that I learned that I was not alone. And the answer, like the media portrayals of crossdressers at the time (mid to late 80's) was not very comforting. I can only imagine how far I could have gone had the internet been available to me back then.

[Tara D. Rose]

I felt very lost and so alone when growing up with my crossdressing. I was so different from the other boys in school. I was bullied a lot. I was beaten dailey by my Father. Years later though, I picked up a copy of Transformations magazine. I learned a lot with that magazine, but I realised that most in that mag was not like me though. And with that being the only source available to me at that time, I foolishly thought that I may be something other that what I thought I was. So I lived in secret for many years. Though the internet has been around for years now, it wasn't until just about three years ago I started searching the internet and found so many others like me, plus having gone to SCC for the last two years, has taught me so much now. I have now accepted myself and no longer live in shame. I used to think that I would take my secret to my grave, but now things are quite different. Never in a lifetime did I ever think I could even live if anyone knew or found out this horrible thing that I am.........lol
But now my wife knows, my ex wife knows all, she was told everything after I became married to my current wife. Together we even told an ex girlfriend and she was okay with it and said it wouldn't have been a problem had she known. And just about a month ago, I told my youngest brother, and to my surprise he was so very cool with it. I have had about 4 talks with him about it and he is so accepting. But I leave it at that for now. So I don't feel so alone anymore.
I wish so much that there had been the internet for me when I was 15 years old though.
Love & Respect.....Tara

[Samantha Jane]

I knew absolutely nothing about crossdressers, when I discovered the thrill of womens clothing. I was an only child 7 or 8 years old and the internet was years away. So no sisters clothes to try on, only my mothers clothes, as well as slopping around in her shoes. I was a latch key kid, so it made it possible for me try her clothing on, without getting caught. I remember feeling a huge guilt trying them on (although they we really far to big for me). I did get caught in a sense, my mother was a very tidy person and she knew I had been through her draws and wardrobe on many occassions, I just could not help myself. I was told off for being nosey or some such thing and then the subject was dropped, why I cannot remeber. I used to think why me, why am I like this, I must be some sort of weirdo. It was few years later, when I learned the truth and discovered I was not alone in my feelings.

[Suramya2010]

Oh yes. when I began at 12 or so I thought there must be something wrong with me for feeling so good in womens clothing and lingerie. It wasnt untill years later that I found out there were others in the world like me. It took the internet for me to really see I wasn't alone in my feelings and was surprised to see how many others were into so many differant styles..

Dianne

Yes, this is similar to my story. :straightface:

When I rewind back the memories, maybe I had noticed about one person before the Internet. He always liked to play female roles in any stage drama in the school/village. :battingeyelashes: But in those days I didn't really feel that way about it.

[Samantha_Smile]

From the first day I tried it untill about 13 years later when I found this place.


Cheers for that!

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Katie, Way back in the old days I thoughe I was the only one that ever did this.

[Julie Gaum]

Given it much thought but please give an old CD the benefit of the doubt: this is not for self-promotion but to let the above writers know that there is a whole chaper providing the history of this subject called "Myths, Misconceptions and Therapists Without a Clue" found in my recently published book and now slowly being converted to blogs. It does put your comments into perspective and was created to help those still in doubt.
Julie

[JenniferR771]

Oh yes. Of course i thought I was the only one. I also remember a couple Donahue afternoon talk shows discussing the idea. My husband wears a dress. And also a few Geraldo shows"Guess which is the real woman".
I remember reading Penthouse "Variations" carefully for the occasional story about cding. Later I read Alex Comfort's "The Joy of Sex" and found a page or two. I dropped by the library, but found almost nothing, ( it was probably considered porn). The library had the book, "Mrs Doubtfire". and I also read a few paragraphs in Dr Ruth. Years later I discovered porn mags, and then began to read "fictionmania" at the library computer. When I got online--a whole world opened up, wow!

[Vickie_CDTV]

I didn't per se, because there was at least some small (very small) amount of accurate information available in the media at the time; I remember seeing a number of shows like Donahue about TVism growing up.

Incidentally, I was flipping around YouTube the other day and found an old Donahue show about TVism (with JoAnn Roberts of LadyLike magazine, TG Forum etc.), which is one I remember seeing as a kid. If anyone is interested, just search for "Donahue crossdressers" on YouTube. I hope others show up there, if any other copies exist out there in peoples' collections.

[JaytoJillian]

Like many of you, it was the internet that really blew the lid off of my desire to crossdress.

[Amanda_P]

It has been many years that I have been doing this and just didn't think there was so many of us out here. If they had the internet when I was young I believe I wouldn't be in the closet still. I could have been able to show I'm not the only one and not be afraid to tell anybody.

[Teri Ray]

Put me in the camp of thinking I was the square peg in a round hole world. Not until my teens did I hear of others who had some form of gender identiy issues. I neve understood that there were so many others who shared simialr feelings and thoughts until I became part of the internet. It was amazing to find others.

[michellecd9999]

Since there was not internet when I started, I thought that the only reason to crossdress was if you were gay or just doing it for something like a Halloween, party, skit, etc where it was not tied to the sexual excitement. I knew I was NOT gay so I was very confused as to why I liked the feel and look of women's clothing on me and why it stirred such sexual excitement. It also was a reason that I would feel so guilty immediately afterwards and take off the clothing as quickly as possible and swear I would not do it again, but within a few hours the desire would return. I did not really realize there were others like me until the 80' s as the internet developed and early BBS boards popped up and one could post things like we can on this board. I also spent some time in the library when I was working on my MBA (at night after work) I found some books in the library that dealt with the subject of crossdressing vs TS, TG in a clinical way. I began to understand what I was and that there were other straight, married guys that were in the same boat I was.

[krissy]

Finding this site made me feel accepted .it feels like home i can share .love this site

[rachel38]

Like a lot of you I thought I was alone . Don't know how many times I purged went on like this for 30 some years .It wasn't till the internet that I found out I wasn't alone .

[Joanne Curl]

Like most everyone else that has posted on this subject, I too felt all alone. I thought I was some kind of pervert or sexual deviate. It wasn't until college, when I took advantage of some free pyschological counseling that I was convinced that although different, I wasn't a pervert. With a nice large university library I researched and read everything I could on transvestism. There wasn't alot of information but it convinced me I wasn't alone. Then came the 80's and the world wide web. Suddenly I found lots of links to people like myself. Although I still don't share this side with many, I'm much more comfortable with being a cross dresser. And I'm am very thankful for this wonderful website and the people who are part of it. I don't feel so alone anymore.

[NathalieX66]

I was a crossdresser since somewhere between the age of 6 and 9 ....never understood the concept of gender divide, never liked it.

Later, I dressed in secret because i never got any indication that society would approve or accept. I rarely saw a crossdresser or transgender person.

Now, I have met many in my situation, at various degrees, and have found out that I am pretty typical, if not boring. No longer do I feel like the only one.

A few days ago, I was at a very crowded elbow-to-elbow Tex Mex restaurant in a sundress and my own 18 month long hair, with a very dear friend who is transitioning, and her high school friends ( a married couple...4 of us total) , and I felt very normal. No one paid attention to us. it felt good. Anyone with doubts, or questions, feel free to pm me.

[Sarah27]

When I fully realized what I was I thought I was the only one, and after many years of hearing everyone in my family making fun of anyone remotely like me I hated myself more than anything because I was brainwashed into thinking that what I was was the worst thing in the world, it took many years to rewire my brain to think correctly. And even longer to almost rewire theirs.

[Eryn]

Not only did I feel like "the only one" I also had no idea of one what!

I knew that I had an unusual interest in women's clothes and makeup, but I had no references, no Internet, and no assistance to guide me to understanding myself. Seeking counseling would have threatened my livelihood. I convinced myself that my interests were perverse and shoved them as far back in my consciousness as I could where they stayed for decades but still ate away at me.