Full-Time with Kids?

[JessicaVal]

Probably a very charged and opinionated topic, so please, PLEASE keep it friendly and factual if possible.

I am at a point where I am trying to decide what to do wih my life. I want a family and to have kids but I don't know how well that mixes with my desires to be femme. I don't plan on marrying a man and adopting, ideally I'd find the woman who is ok marrying a full time TS/CD.

Such a couple could have and raise kids, but two mommies? Thoughts, opinions? Any good studies on this (or lesbian couples raising kids)?

[docrobbysherry]

What's your hurry, Jessica? What makes u think your READY to commit to marriage, much less have kids? An even longer, much more difficult commitment? R u certain your ready for the financial, physical, and emotional requirements of a family? 50+% of marriages fail. Why won't yours? Especially since u r so young! Remember, males don't have to worry about the ticking clock like females!

After high school I watched friend after friend have accidental kids, marry, suffer financially and mentally with wives that weren't ready for all of that either. Eventually, they all divorced and raised dual home kids "together". It put ME off both marriage and kids until I found the "perfect woman" in my 40's.(Guys, I strongly recommend waiting until age 40+!) I decided I was ready emotionally and financially for a child with her a few years later. The marriage to my perfect woman didn't last. But, I've never regretted having my daughter. I've never thot of her as holding me back, a burden, or even a commitment! But, I certainly would have in my 20's and 30's!

So, what's your hurry?

[JessicaVal]

A very fair question. The answer is that I am not in a hurry at all. Not to have kids anyway. I am considering the entire spectrum of gnder identify and want to peer into the looking glass on how it will affect my ability to have/raise kids someday. I don't plan on having them soon, but if I decide I want to live my life full time as a TS, will I be willing to have children and raise them with another woman, or am I confining myself to being the 'lonely Aunt Jessica'?

That depends on what's best for the children. Do same-sex parents work? In my case I would have to explain early on the Mommy is a mommy, but your other mommy is really a daddy...just to name one example.

Does that clarify better? Its three AM her and I can't sleep, so my brain and my writin may not be as connected as I think.

[noeleena]

Hi,

My first ? s are you a woman do you think like one & why do you think you wont to be one.

For many women all they wont is to have children we are wired in such a way that is for us what haveing a mate is about .

Now i said many not all women will have children for any number of reasons.

To me it sounds like you really have no idear where you are in relastion to who you are .
I never thought id ever get married, from a background i had some close as 65 years ago.

I did at age 24, was i ready in some ways in others .....no....yet I know my Mom wonted me to before she passed on , we were married for just over 3 months & Mom then passed on.

We have 3 grown up adults & 9 grandkids. though we had, Jos & i had many ups & downs we survied ... just...married .for 35 years coming up & been to gether 37 years,

Im glad we got married im more than glad we had our children when we did, & of cause through that some lovely grandkids,
If you have read about my self then youll know im intersexed a bit different of cause just that mix of male / female yea it works , so after all said a done , im a very happy woman who can not wish for more.

well one thing.......

Would i, had i been able to i would loved to have had my own child, only a woman knows what that means. & more than just disapointing not being able to ,

It makes little difference because it depends on the person in who they are in bringing up a child if your not paternal then you wont.. ill just say one thing im very glad ....i never.... had a father. family background.

other than that im a pretty rounded person.

...noeleena...

[JessicaVal]

Hello, Noeleena!

It wasn't my intention to really make this about my specific situation, but that's ok, I suppose.

I am not a woman, I was born male. I personally don't hold to the 'woman trapped in a male body' concept. I used to think that, but I've realized that I am a different mix of male and female than those that are traditionally one or the other. I am, at this stage, nothing more or less than a crossdresser. I feel more comfortable alone while dressed, and in fact I have been told it may be a comfort thing (like a safety blanket) by my sister (l ong story).

I do not think I want SRS to become a full woman with the ability to have sex as one. I think I would be happy with anything in between here (crossdresser) and there, even to the point of facial feminization surgery and breast development (probably through hormones, but augmentation isn't out of the question). I know my life-long dream is to be happily married and to raise a family, though I've always thought of it as being my genetics and me as the dad. I am 27, and yes, I have plenty of time. However, I'm not going to go get FFS or BA or start hormones unless I know I want to be Aunt Jessica, and Mom. I am deeply attracted to other women, emotionally and physically, and only sexually attracted to men. For those and other spiritual reasons I do not want a husband...I want a wife.

This leaves me with the choices of never going full-time and having children normally, going full time and having to raise children with two Moms, or going full-time and never having kids(hardly a choice). In the end the most important thing in my life are my kids, and if having two Moms is going to cause problems, I want to know what they are and if they can be handled/worked through without hurting the children.

[noeleena]

Hi,

Thanks for your reply .

Haveing two Mom's is not an issue i see , I have two women friends , & both Jos & i & our 9 y 7 m Dejarn, grandaughter have stayed with them many times one has a grown up young man about 17 .1/2 now, & another boy oh dear he'd be about 6 . & has been brought up by his mother & other woman friend we'v known the wee chape since he was born & i never saw any probs or issues. his Mom is very careing & just so lovely very very child loveing,

Can i say & i know many trans wont agree .


I know im different so this is not about transpeople this is about being who you are, & not haveing any regrets of not haveing a family i know what many will say its more importaint to be them selfs thats okay,

yet to be alone not have family around you not see your kids grow up & then not to have grandkids i dont know of anything worse, i really dont.

Dont look back & say what could have been because youll miss out on so so much.

Just find your self a lovely woman one who cares & do have children. spend time with them you know its only for a few short years, may be 16 to 17. & then they are off,

our Kaylyn has 4 little ratbags not really they are just young kids .two boys two girl's

Kaylyn is close to us as family hey we have our dare i say it Father daughter days & yes Jos as well we both know what she's like yet ...>>>>>SHE IS OUR DAUGHTER<<<<<<

Dejarn the older one is so very very close to me yea she spent so much time with us & more with me going camping meeting lots of people did lot of trav. she's my child she is so my daughter i could never have. with out her id be lost.
She really does mean so much to me.

Thats what' family is about just please dont miss out .........

I was one of the fortunate ones that was born both male & female that ment i could give to Jos what was needed for Jos & i to have children yet still be female from birth. Yes i live as a woman & you know what 's so neat im still our kids Father. & can be called a grandfather. you know iv got it both ways. .

Now youll know why im one happy person. & family is a part of my happyness.

We had our children starting from a year after we were married. 37 years ago.of cause that does bring a sadness my Mom never saw our kids,

The bright note is all of our family are healthy & we get on pretty well.

...noeleena...

[JessicaVal]

No, thank you! I really appreciate the help you've offered over the last few hours! You've given me some things to think about and an example of kids with two moms who aren't screwed up. At some point while they are growing up someone will ask who their dad is, and we would have to say, 'Well, mommy Jessica is." But it's nice thinking that it's at least plausible.

I will, of course want to read a lot more and talk to a lot of people about it, but thank you very much!

[Cynthia Anne]

I see nothing wrong with the idea of two ''mommies'' raising kids! I personally know a lisbian couple who did and there kids grew up just fine!

[ronda]

i had my son at age 16 my daughter at age 18 i have never regreted having them at that age i love my childern the same today as i did when they were born we had a lot of fun i was young enough to do what a lot of older fathers could no longer do. yea we did not have a lot of money and i worked my a** off to support them so age should not enter into it and there is nothing wrong with having to mommies

[Thera Home]

A very fair question. The answer is that I am not in a hurry at all. Not to have kids anyway. I am considering the entire spectrum of gnder identify and want to peer into the looking glass on how it will affect my ability to have/raise kids someday.

That depends on what's best for the children.


Hello Jessica
My suggestion.... Raise them ..OLD SCHOOL


What's your hurry, Jessica? What makes u think your READY to commit to marriage, much less have kids?

I agree, having and raising a family is harsh, hardcore and highly stressful(sounds like our jobs already) but the rewards are beyond imagination. Are you ready to sacrifice yourself for someone which means giving up what you enjoy most?
Its a commitment and if you still feel wet behind the ears you may as well wait.
I was 25 when I got married and I thought I have seen it all and knew all....not


Thera

P.S. the kiddos are really funny sometimes:heehee:

[JessicaVal]

I appreciate the responses and advice everyone has been offering, but I think I may have somehow mislead the the topic and the original question.

What I am hoping to find is experience, advice, or information (such as studies or reports) about how children raised by Lesbian/TG couples differ from normal nuclear families. Are there any particular challenges, disorders, increased chance of being LGBT, etc?

[giuseppina]

It isn't everyone's cup of tea, but the professional journals are excellent sources of studies of this kind.

Google scholar should be able to provide some links to peer-reviewed conference papers and journal articles with appropriate search terms.

[NathalieX66]

Are there any particular challenges, disorders, increased chance of being LGBT, etc?

Yeah.....finding a mate.

Then once you do, you end up with the same issues as many other people: staying together.

[JessicaVal]

A LOT of reading and some time later, I've come to my conclusion that there isn't conclusive evidence out there, though the studies do seem to lean towards full acceptance of same-sex/gender parents.

Thank you for the advice, and the resources! I look forward to seeing more studies come out in the future!

[Stephenie S]

There is no difference. Kids are kids. Parents are parents. Love is love.

Two guys? Two women? Women and man? It matters not. All kids need is stability and love. Maybe just love. All the naysayers out there are spewing patriarchal and religious BS.

I am a bit concerned that you don't have your own identity solidified yet. You want to transition (sort of) and be a dad? And you seem worried that your union would produce LGBT kids? It's a myth, BTW. And just what is wrong with LGBT kids? Listen, were your parents LGBT? And look at you.

Children can be the most rewarding thing in your life by far. Being a mother is an incredibly satisfying and rewarding experience. At 27, you still have this opportunity before you. But you really don't seem too interested in becoming a mother. You seem pretty stuck on being a dad. So my advice is to stick to that. Be a crossdressing dad. There is nothing wrong with that at all.

Stephie

[kimdl93]

Its certainly been done. But every situation is different. And you're getting just a little ahead of yourself. I presume you haven't got a particular woman in mind. So, the first thing to do is to start meeting women and perhaps you'll find one who is willing/perhaps even interested in a TS partner. It has happened more often than you think.

How old are your kids now? I presume you have custody...is that correct?

[Kaz]

Hi J,

There may be some studies out there but there won't be many long term studies that have a broad enough sample to be meaningless I suspect. So in terms of long term effects on the kids? Who knows?

In the UK, same sex parents are accepted nationally in principle, but by the immediate society they live in it is different. I work at a university and in my faculty we have an open, non-closeted CD who wears what she wants every day (within the realms of 'acceptable' dress code!). We have a non-discrimination policy, as indeed we do on the UK statute books. But even amongst 'enlightened' intellectuals, some people have problems with accepting this...

Extrapolate this forward and there is a big difference between same sex parenting and what you would wish for in your mind's eye.

I am with you 100%... but then I am a CD with a family and I just wish I had the courage to be 'out' to them from the start... Looking back I don't think it would have upset them at all until they went to school and then had to deal with all the other kids. Then is when you find out about local society attitudes in a way that you have never experienced them before.

Kids are amazing and have been the most rewarding part of my life... but if I put them first... I'd let Dad be a guy, not a girl... less stress for them as they grow up and build their social networks. Having said that, of course, if your kids are confident enough to big out the flak they will get in the schoolyard... they will grow up the better for it.

Sorry, no answers, just some thoughts. If I were you I would do some serious scenario planning... what if? and think through the consequences of each choice...

[arbon]

That depends on what's best for the children. Do same-sex parents work? In my case I would have to explain early on the Mommy is a mommy, but your other mommy is really a daddy...just to name one example.

.

I think they can work, my wife and I are doing it, but not always easy - everything is geared for a father and mother, husband, wife. it does set you apart as different then most of the other families and having to explain things to people that don't get it - there are issues.

But we make a good family :)

[JessicaVal]

Thanks for the advice, I really do appreciate it.

I don't think I an 'jumping the gun' so to speak. You're right, I don't have a particular woman in mind, and I'm not certain of my own identity. I consider this to be a part of the search and exploration. Having children as a woman or as a man is a serious topic and one that used to be extremely important to me. Regardless of my identity, I want to make sure I know what I am getting into before I make irreversible steps toward transition. I'm not even saying I am anywhere near starting down that road, but this is one journey where the destination is just as important as the journey itself.