I'm so confused

[Sarah27]

I've know for a fact that I am a girl from the earliest memories. I am now 27 Very attractive as i'm told dark hair skinny tall. Extremely Heterosexual but I have like 2 minds up there, one thinks of a family and is very content with the thought of being in that situation of being a man in the literal sense of "normal", and then there's the resounding majority of my mind that thinks, sees, hears, anything girl and I instantly know that I should be one of them and am insanely jealous of them. I would do anything to be a real girl, but I can't, so I have to live my life as a male, but I can't. So it's like limbo.

[Beth-Lock]

I think you need a stronger reason to change gender or sex, (that is, SRS/GRS) than that you can do it and want to do it. Many can't stand to be a male, at all, and that sort of compulsion makes the issue clearer. But those are just my observations, and I refuse to offer advice since it is not my life or happiness that is in question, but yours.

[Melody Moore]

Hi Sarah,

First of all I believe that you have to completely separate your gender identity from your sexual orientations.
I too considered myself extremely heterosexual when I lived as a male and this was something of an excuse
I used to convince myself that I wasn't transsexual. But the reality is gender identity & sexual orientation are
two completely separate things although they are fluid or a continuum within themselves. I soon realised that
there are trans women who are lesbians and that is how I thought I was going to be if I did transition, however
I find that as I accept myself more as a woman I am becoming more interested in men although I know I could
never have sex with a male unless I was complete as a woman.

Like you I had this awareness that I was a female from an early age (about 9-10) but that came about as I got
older, but I knew from an early age I never felt comfortable being around groups of boys, and felt like I didn't fit
in with girls because I had the body of a boy. So I felt obligated because of the social pressures to be a 'boy'. So
I repressed all feminine expression and only exhibited it privately to myself when I dressed up secretly as a girl.

When I hit puberty that is when I had the most amount of difficulties because I was being bullied and abused
and just because I had a more soft and gentle demeanour. So then I hardened up, learnt martial arts, joined
the army and developed this really arrogant hyper-masculine personality purely as a self defence system and
a way of protecting the female soul within.

Like you I also use to have an affinity with other women that was outside the 'norms' of other males. I too use
to look at women in envy wanting to be like them, not necessarily wanting to go to bed with them. However having
said that I had testosterone ramping around my body which sent me into sexual frustration like any other male but
I was in no way 'gay'. However there was some issues with having sex with girls because I felt shameful and guilty
because of how selfish, sticky and messy sex really is for a girl when she has sex with a male. So that caused me
some impotency issues later on in life. You are lucky to be where you are now and have started to reach out for help
now and not later in life because I can tell you now it does not get any easier, in fact it gets very hard and can push
you right over the edge. I had no internet or access to help when I started to really battle with this and as a result
I have made several serious attempts to end my own life. Twice I have gone into cardiac arrest and been revived in
hospital following drug overdoses on prescription medications. Despite this I still repressed my issues and tried to go
on living complying with my birth sex but deep down I wasn't happy and was really depressed. Eventually I started
getting really sick, my immune system started crashing and my hormones went all over the place and my cortisol &
cholesterol levels went through the roof as a result of the long term suffering of living with the stress of being an
undiagnosed and untreated sex and gender diverse person. Doctors were pumping me full of anti-biotics & Cortisone,
as well as anti-depressants like Prozac, Zyban & Effexor, none of which helped me, but only served to make all my
health issues so much worse. Some of these drugs actually elevated my cortisol & cholesterol levels making me a
lot worse. I broke out with severe eczema (ulcers) and edema (swelling caused by fluid in the lower extremities like
the lower legs, ankles & feet). I had lots of pain in the chest and upper abdomen so I was checked for heart problems
but was eventually diagnosed following a bad attack with Cholecystitis (Gall Stones) caused by too much cholesterol.

The way my health was before I started on hormones was telling me that my life was going to be very short if I continued
to ignore the issues that were causing me a lot of stress and driving up my cortisol & cholesterol. I said to my doctor once
I doubted I would have seen out the next 5 years, he said to me he thought I would be lucky to see out the next 18 months.

Here is the irony in the situation, all the issues I had with eczema & edema that plagued me for the past 8 years disappeared
within 6 weeks of me starting on hormone therapy. Since then my cortisol and cholesterol levels have dropped to a normal
level and overall my health and well being has improved very dramatically. I know now that my need to transition was never a
choice, something has been wrong with me from the day I was born and it took me 47 years to finally come to terms and realise
that. The best thing I did was talk to a doctor and start to find out where I can get proper help. I came out and started living
fulltime for about 6 weeks before I was started on hormone therapy on my second visit to see a specialist doctor 2 years ago.
And here I am now about to have my SRS in just 2 months time in Thailand.

The only regret I have now is not having done this years ago when I first knew I wanted to transition at the age of 15.
My life was hell because I avoided who I really was. And I really don't want to see others go through what I went through,
so go find a good psychologist (not a psychiatrist) who is experienced in gender issues and start moving forward with this
because so far you do seem to be ticking a few boxes in your short statement about your issues. Good luck I hope this helps.

:hugs: xx

[Sara Jessica]

I've know for a fact that I am a girl from the earliest memories. I am now 27 Very attractive as i'm told dark hair skinny tall. Extremely Heterosexual but I have like 2 minds up there, one thinks of a family and is very content with the thought of being in that situation of being a man in the literal sense of "normal", and then there's the resounding majority of my mind that thinks, sees, hears, anything girl and I instantly know that I should be one of them and am insanely jealous of them. I would do anything to be a real girl, but I can't, so I have to live my life as a male, but I can't. So it's like limbo.

Many of us are in a similar boat, having known from our earliest memories the truth behind our gender.

First of all, there are a few things you mentioned that don't seem to matter so much in the scheme of things, when considering the root issue.

1) Attractive, skinny, tall - This thing of ours doesn't pick us because of our physical attributes or lack thereof. Attractiveness may help but I've never heard of this as any kind of litmus test for transition.

2) Heterosexual - What Melody said. Totally different animal from gender.

3) "I would do anything to be a real girl, but I can't..." - I presume you are saying you'd do anything to have been born a natal female. IMHO, you have to let go of this because it's one of those things you can do NOTHING about. It's like a guy saying to his pregnant wife "I would have the baby for you if I could". It rings hollow because nothing on God's green Earth could allow that to happen.

If you are anything like me, you were born a girl. There's a reason why as a pure and innocent 4-5 year old that I knew this to be true. The self-awareness at such a young age is an amazing thing to behold and it set the table for the rest of my life, as I can imagine it did for you.

So you have to live your life as a male? Who says? I just bring it up because with the proper medical supervision, transition is a very valid path to take.

But are you like me? I have family & career to consider and have made the choice not to transition but to live my life on both sides of the gender fence, so to speak. Is it easy? Not a chance. But neither is transition. Is it ideal? Maybe, maybe not. But this is my choice and as you learn more about yourself, I hope you find the path which is best for you.

[melissaK]

Sweetie, we are all different . . . but if I was playing percentages I'd tell you based on my own life and reading about others lives here, in books, and other sites for a decade and a half - its gonna just get worse, unimaginably worse. Some form of transition is the only thing that will make you feel better. And the longer you fight it and live in Limbo, the worse it will be when you inevitably breakdown mentally and emotionally, and have to face the reality that you can't keep living as a guy and must do something about it.

These boards are full of 45-60 year old guys doing late in life MTF transitions because they just can't cope anymore. Go read the essays of Anne Vitale on her web site. A long time trans counselor she's formed her opinions over 30+ years and many hundreds of clients. She relays poignant accounts guy who had complete agonizing mental breakdowns in the middle of their lives.

If you want a metaphor - its like racing a car and not making a pit stop for a tire change because you are afraid you'll lose the lead. You keep doing laps hoping for a yellow caution. The yellow caution never comes, your tire fails in high turn and you hit the wall. It hurts like hell and costs a whole lot more.

So, don't hit the wall. Begin making plans to do something about it now. :-)

Hugs,
'lissa

[Inna]

therapy..................take twice a month............see me in 4 months!

[Kristy_K]

therapy..................take twice a month............see me in 4 months!

I would have to agree with this one.

[TeresaL]

therapy..................take twice a month............see me in 4 months!
Yes, transgender friendly. I'm kind of there too, and it hurts. Really hurt, because it is family v gender. I'm doing my best to hold on to a garden-variety CD. VA transgender care begins later this month for me. I've been dormant after a huge and long purge -- TMI for this thread, but am looking for the therapist to guide me into the most suitable direction.

I did a double take when my last therapist ask me what was I waiting on. She then reminded me that I was getting older, and I needed to get on with it, and not wait till I cross worlds. Several more years have gone past, and my head has been buried in the sand ever since.

You are living in an era with more information and freedom at your disposal. See your therapist and please don't put it off.

[prene]

therapy..................take twice a month............see me in 4 months!

I agree. That is what I have been doing and for a lot more than 4 months.

[pamela_a]

It's never a question of what do you want to do. What do you NEED to do? A good therapist will NOT have any answers for you. They will, however, have good questions. Only you can provide the answers. Then it's up to you to decide where to go from there.

[Sarah27]

I would consider transisitioning if I had a way to fully support myself. I went to a University living on my own for 5 years for Physics and Engineering, and now i'm working at a grocery store making pretty much minimum wage, living with my parents, no friends whatsoever almost no acquaintances no girlfriends absolutely no drive to do anything even as simple as read a book anymore, I never leave my house except work and going to the store. I'm completely lost but not depressed. I'm growing my hair out it's almost below my eyes now and i'm very self conscious about it at work, but when I see myself in the mirror with longer straight hair my heart explodes with happiness.

[Sarah27]

And thanks for all the support and tips btw, I saw many psychologists and psychiatrists before I lost my insurance, they helped me some but more on the side of trying to make friends but not a single one really understood much about GID. Trust me there is noone in my state that I know of that can help me. I just got insurance back through my job a few days ago planning on looking again.

[Inna]

There has to be someone specializing in Trans issues in the vicinity of 50-80 miles, except if you live on the praire in the middle of Utah desert land then maybe.
But when you search, search only for TG experienced, well experienced therapist!
Your regular family therapist will be a waist of time and money as you already know.

Good luck!