Fighting the urge

[Lorileah]

to purge.

I won't do that, I have too much invested but this has been a "wall" weekend. We all have them, the time when you suddenly say "why the heck do I do this?" Life could be so much easier to walk away.

But we can't. The hard part is living the double life. Having to "be" someone sometimes just "because".

The question always arises "why do you do this?" Like we choose to be ostracized get those side long glances and even the pretend acceptance. Why would anyone choose to be a part of a minority. If you had the choice would you not go with the flow? Yeah we love the roller coaster ride. How we are riding high one day, then crashing to earth the next. I take it with the territory.

But this has been a week where (and it isn't only the TG part...it is a myriad of of "life things" like finding out your good friend has cancer and the reality that you are now alone for sure because the house sold and your last physical link to the one you love is now gone.

So remind me again, Why the H*ll do we do this?

[erica12b]

We like it we have fun doing it, and it is part of us, it drives us nut, and makes us do stupid things , we can not stop, being human so get over it or just put yor toys away for now , maybe in a week or a month you will want to come out and play again . There the mothering side of erica has said her thoughts and thats that .


How many times have you helped me when i was down, now its my turn ,

[NathalieX66]

Lorileah,

Can't

Won't

Will not.

I am what I am......it will never go away.

Peace & love, darling.
Hugs,
Nathalie

[erica12b]

Someone told me once that if your going the hit a wall with your head, eather have a hard head, or find a soft spot on the wall, was the best advice i ever got , that and where to buy stock for aspirin , i was taking, hope that helps dear,


I just pop in out of the blue and spout old quotes , after never looking in for months, ill just shut up now and go back to my chair ( in the closet ) and there is no room for you in here, so dont ask ok

[Jane-C]

Hi

I purged once in a big way, had a girlfriend at the time that knew about Jane but wasn’t exactly thrilled by her. So I packed up all my stuff into 2 large boxes and forced them into the wheelie bins at the flats we were staying in at the time. Girlfriend long gone but what I miss most was a Penny Lane (from London) red stretch dress with black fishnet sleeves. That was about 10 years ago and I still kick myself for getting rid of that dress. :( I have told myself that if I ever feel the need to purge again I’ll pack everything up but put it into storage somewhere.



Jane

[Persephone]

Lorileah,

I can see where the pain and stress of what is going on in your life can make you question yourself. Right now I too have a dear friend who is undergoing treatment for cancer and her mother passed away yesterday.

But you are one of the women I look up to around here. I always enjoy your posts and look forward to them. Rain, even hard rain and hail, sometimes falls in our lives but we need to find ways to cry, to howl, to deal with our pain without hurting ourselves.

We do this because it is in our core, it is a vital part of who we are, and most often it makes us better, not worse, stronger, not weaker, and often more caring, not less so. It may be that our essential womanhood, our feminine side, is what makes the difficulties seem more intense, but we need to be woman enough to deal with them.

Please consider storing your stuff rather than "purging." If you feel the same way in 30 or 60 or 90 days you can always purge then.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[Cynthia Anne]

I hate that wall as much as anyone! I have patched it many of times! Might as well move on and enjoy life as much as possible because some things were meant to be! Hugs!

[Shari]

For what it's worth, I just went through a similar time.
This morning the problems are pretty much behind me and I'm once again dressed in my fineries and loving the feelings it gives me.
Time does heal.
Go slow and don't do anything rash.

[Jolene Robertson]

Lorileah, You have been an inspiration to many of us (all be it without really knowing it). I'm sorry to hear about your friend. You are a strong person and will come out the other end just fine, keep your chin up. We all do this because it is who we are and know we can't change it, it makes us complete and at peace with the world.
One of mt favorite sayings "if want to hear God laugh, just tell him your plans".

Hugs
Jolene

[Georgia Rose]

We do it and keep doing it because it is a vital part of who we are. Sorry to hear about your friend. I've just had a bit of a big downer at work but that pales into insignificance when someones life is at risk. Hang in there and it will turn out ok. Disaster only happens when we make rash decisions that are not aligned with our long-term best interest.

[Raychel]

I am so sorry for your troubled times, We all go thru them, It can be very difficult. It is all a part of this thing we call life. Do the best to make today a happy day. nd for me part of making me happy is dressing in womens clothes. That is the way i is, The wall that frustrate me the wall that frustrates me the most is really the closet door.

I hope and pray your days get better soon. :hugs:

[Jennifer Cox]

Sorry to hear about your friend Lori.

Why do we do this? You said it yourself - we have to and we can't walkaway. Would make life so much easier if we could, although perhaps less 'interesting'.

Like others have said, if you feel the need to purge, then just pack your stuff away somewhere. It's too damn expensive replacing it all again when the 'Pink Fog' returns.

:hugs: Jen x

[Marleena]

Life can seem like a big test at times Lorileah. Sorry to hear about your friend and the home. I'm sure you'll pass the test with friends you have here and in the real world. I enjoy reading about your stories while you're out. You have inspired many others with your strength and courage. Just chill for a while and things will become clearer. Being TG makes us question ourselves during times of stress. I know you enjoy being a girl. :)

[Cheryl T]

We do it because it's WHO we are....

[Kaz]

Hi Lorileah,

Just adding my support too. Sorry you are going through some hard times; I've been there too and whenever I've been down you've been an inspiration to me. We know why we do it really and we know the pull will come back. Sounds like you need some breathing space. :hugs:

[cassandra54]

Hell, if I looked as good as you, I wouldn't question it, but I think I know what you mean. I work pretty hard in my job and some days, the energy just isn't there to do much of anything after work. Some nights and weekends, there are things to do that I can only do in guy mode. And life and it's challenges always get in the way. And yeah, I think about why I am doing this. I think of all the money and time I spent and think of what I could have done with either.

I have to work hard at it sometimes. To come home from work, get showered and dressed sometimes takes a big effort, and sometimes I don't see the point. But when I do get dressed, I feel better.

It's not always this magical feeling. It's not always full makeup a dress and hose. But I think part of being my female self part-time is just experiencing life as a woman in a normal way. Real women don't always dress like they're going out for the evening. Sometimes it's just shorts and a tank top, yoga pants, but it's always at least nice and enjoyable when I get to that point.

As far as being someone "just because", I don't feel that way. I enjoy my guy life and everything it has to offer, even though I know I am not the "alpha male", I just enjoy being who I am. And I always know that if I don't get to dress one day, because something comes up or I'm too tired, there's always tomorrow.

Keep on keeping on Lorileah, because it seems like you are "out' to a lot more people than I am. For me, so far it's just my SO.

[Kate Simmons]

It's really a part of who we are and how we express that. I know how you are feeling as I've recently put it on the shelf myself. I have a new GG GF and while I have told her all about it and she has no problem with it, I'm wanting to experience the relationship feeling as a man does. It has stirred up all kinds of physiological effects as well. She is not telling me not to do it but I'm choosing not to. This will show me what I am really made of, however. Take care my friend.:)

[PretzelGirl]

I think the question should be "Why we don't do it". Life has its twists and turns. You have thoughts of loved ones that you can no longer physically hold. That is likely a stronger internal feeling than what we do. So you take time away from everything else and mentally hold her once again. Sometimes our friends are ill and need our support. That easily is more important than what we do. So it isn't about why we do this but just realizing there is more to life and there are many things that are more important. When things settle down and the time is right, this takes its place at or near the top of the list again.

:bh:

[Annaliese2010]

Kinda outta boredom? IDK...usually too much work & time for me to lately. So I don't.

[Beverley Sims]

The urge to purge generally is what I think you are talking about.
Your rollerc oaster is on the down at the moment and you need a lift to get it up.
Big things , your friend, the house going all help a depressed state.
Cancer is a mean thing and so cruel all around.
I hope the prognosis for your friend is good and the house link should repair itself after time.
Have a look around, take a deep breath and say it could be worse it could be raining.
Look for the sunshine tomorrow Lorileah and pick all the positives that will come your way.
All the best,
Beverley

[TeresaL]

I asked my GP several years ago, and he told me that he was born with asthma.

[STACY B]

:notlistening::notlistening: Get up an go out the door an go fishing or do something ,,,Dont sweat all this crap ,,Get your mind off it for a while . But for gods sakes dont do nothing CRAZY ,,, Wayyyyyyy to much invested to go overboard an PURGE ! :naughty:naughty

[Contessa]

Lori

I sense that there maybe a disturbance in the force. I wouldn't want you to go away and sounds like no one else here does either. We all are sorry about your friend, but others have had cancer and beaten it too. We would miss Lorileah, and wonder where she has gone. I (we) only know Lorileah. I don't know the guy person who would be there in your place.

I have found that once you turn this on, you can't turn it off. I am not going to try cause it will lead to depression and that is not a good place to be either. Sorry what will I do, we, I will miss you and how will I find out how your friend is doing. I am sad Lori, purging has not changed anything for anyone of us. If any of you are thinking of trying this then don't tell me I am quite sensitive as a girl might be. I can't tlk about this anymore. Don't go Lori.

Tess

[Jonianne]

Lorileah, you know what I am finding out now that it's been over a year since my Angel passed? The first year everything was surreal, kind of dreamstate. Now my grief sometimes feels deeper. Not as often, but much deeper in my missing her. I know she can never be replaced and I know things can never be the same. That really hits home going into my second year. I know the loss you have had and the suffering of others in your life are overwhelming, numbing out anything but the pain you feel.

But, I believe life makes a way, no matter what. Hang in there friend and just keep sharing your heart, knowing that there are still mountain tops in your life that will make it all worthwhile when you finally get out of the valley of depression.

[ArleneRaquel]

I believe that we do it because its in our DNA. At this stage of my life purging is out of the question.

Hugs@Lorileah

[Sarah Doepner]

At times, life sucks. Don't know why but it does. At times life is nothing but joy. Don't know why that happens either. I don't think I earned either one of those things but I am convinced that both the good times and bad times are something that I pass through. Most of the time I pass through it looking like a guy, but sometimes I make the journey looking as pretty as I can. Sometimes it turns out that what happens has something to do with my crossdressing, but it takes a little time to sort out what really has happened.

My only suggestion Lori, is to be patient. I only know you through this site, but from what I've seen you deserve to be happy and need the opportunity to experience life with a bit of a feminine emphasis. We care about you and it looks like we are all in this together. Take a deep breath, sort out the problems, help your friend the best you can and keep moving. While other people may close doors on us, it doesn't seem to be a good idea to close doors and eliminate our own options just because the negative seems to be the trend.

[KaTanya]

Lori, it looks like you're combining three different stresses into one big Gordian Knot. Maybe taking a step back and going into guy mode for a week or two would simplify things so you can better focus. Besides, purging would simply waste time that would be better spent with your friend.

[StarrOfDelite]

There's an old joke which goes something like this. The Philosophy Professor put only one question on the final exam which simply asked, "Why?" The most brilliant student in the class looked at the question and thought about it for an hour until, just before he had to hand his test booklet to the preceptor, wrote, "Because." The final grade was A+.

If you want to know why to fight the urge, think of the practical aspects. The dollars you'll need to replace everything you purge sometime in the next year when the pink fog reappears.

[Lorileah]

Thank you all. I knew I had lots of friends here and you all came out to show it.

All this is just (I Think) the emotional dam bursting. I am sort of tired of driving the bus if you know what I mean. I want someone else to be in control for awhile. Learning that some people say one thing and do another is the worst.

I'll be OK, then you all will be sorry when I come back with a vengeance :) This weekend was a catharsis. An epiphany. And to answer my question (after crying myself to sleep last night) I do it because I like who I am. If others don't that seems to be their problem.

:hugs: everyone

[Thera Home]

The question always arises "why do you do this?" Like we choose to be ostracized get those side long glances and even the pretend acceptance. Why would anyone choose to be a part of a minority.

So remind me again, Why the H*ll do we do this?

Dear Lorileah
You are not part of a minority,but part of this family and all of us become one. Without you we will be missing some important internal part which will make this family ill. We need to focus on moving forward but knowing whats right and wrong before we make our choices.
We need you here to LIVE with us sister. :hugs:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XfnpWNHAHVs

Thera

[Allisa]

Seems you had the answer all along,sometimes the bad things in life only strenghten our resolve.Your comeback is anticipated with baited breath.Best wishes, Lisa.

[Bootsiegalore]

I was to that point last week! I had the urge but suppressed it! Now today I could not wait to dress up again! Up at 5 dressed and working on the computer. I do a LOT of CAD so here I am watching tv and making drawings DRESSED! YAY.

[Bootsiegalore]

Lorileah,

I am what I am......Nathalie

Just Like Popeye! Ak Ak Ak Ak!

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Lorileah, Be careful that you don't talk yourself into something that you will be sorry for.

[GaleWarning]

All this is just (I Think) the emotional dam bursting. I am sort of tired of driving the bus if you know what I mean. I want someone else to be in control for awhile. Learning that some people say one thing and do another is the worst.

I'll be OK

Lori, I feel for your sense of being alone ~ not having a home will do this!
You hint at some sort of duplicity ~ this, too, will add to your sense of separation.

You have a job which you love and somewhere to sleep, even if you do not own it. You have clothes to wear and money to buy food.

You do have friends!

Of course you will be OK. You are exceptional and are sufficiently aware to know that less is more.

Enjoy this time of uncertainty ~ without fear ~ realise that you are lonely but never alone. Inner strength will come to the fore.

Resist the urge to gather any encumberances.

:rose2:

[SuzieLod]

It may not be the best of situations, we may want to rebel once in a while, bit

its is who we are

so acceptance is the anme of the game for me

[joni3b]

hi I am new to xding & have struggled a bit with it but I just feel so good dressed

[Julie Martin]

It's really a part of who we are and how we express that. I know how you are feeling as I've recently put it on the shelf myself. I have a new GG GF and while I have told her all about it and she has no problem with it, I'm wanting to experience the relationship feeling as a man does. It has stirred up all kinds of physiological effects as well. She is not telling me not to do it but I'm choosing not to. This will show me what I am really made of, however. Take care my friend.:)

This struck a chord. The dressing is infrequent for me. I last dressed in March, and all the girl stuff is in storage an hour away, by choice. I can't tell you what a relief it's been to have the monkey off my back, and to just be a man. I know it's not popular, but I've found that for me the urge can be suppressed by understanding and will power. Everyone's different. It's always been on-again off-again for me, but right now there are too many other things that I value much more, and CD-ing has no place in my life. I hope everyone is able to find the balance that works for them, and that they can be at peace with.

[Lorileah]

hi I am new to xding & have struggled a bit with it but I just feel so good dressed

Welcome. And watch out for the blonde with the biting tongue
<------

[jillleanne]

Lorileah, I have always enjoyed reading your views on various topics. I can appreciate what you say and my thoughts go out to you. I also know you know full well, the answer to your question but may want to hear others thoughts. We were born with a unique gift and to deny ourselves that gift would be wrong. It's simply a part of ourselves as individuals and as you know, everyone is individual. Being able to express our fem side, being able to accept our fem side, and being able to share our fem side are all parts of who we are. Should we try to change who we are or should we try to change those that think we are not?

[Barbara Ella]

Lorileah, I am glad that you have made it through the weekend. You know how you did it, and you will continue to do it.

our self is the worst person to have any kind of meaningful conversation with when it concerns why we do anything, dress, not dress, purge, not purge. That is the wonderful aspect of the outstanding girls here, they are the best sounding board when we have these questions, and hit the wall.

That damnable WALL. No one knows when it will come, but everyone knows it will. We all know that we will punch, or attempt to punch, holes in the wall. The question is whether it is drywall or masonry. Either way we will keep punching because that is our nature. Sometimes we need to know when to stop punching those holes and mentally regroup. Crying to sleep is a great mental catharsis, as your mind keeps working without you knowing and adding to the worry. It is terrible to get into that position, but often it is the best thing. Been there, done that.

Just take to heart the words you have received here, and know that you are loved here, and never make a decision after talking to yourself........lol

Barbara

[Noemi]

Lorileah,

Trans gender is not an act. I for one did not choose to be like this, and it might be nice to be with out Noemi. It is difficult to be trans, really. It can bend the mind.

I am going through that right now. I have young lady interested in dating me and I am reluctant to let her in. I would like some company, and she is cute and sweet, but still...I am bi at the least, and am comfortable in women's clothes. I have been there trying to be Mr Normal..and I am wearing a skirt and top etc while I write this.
She also travels in some of the same circles that I do work wise...Who will understand that I am a CD'er if she should learn this...would it hurt business?

So sorry to hear about your friend. That is difficult to see some suffer, be there for them.

I have purged almost every year..for the last four years...I am and all or nothing type. And sometimes I just want to throw Noemi aside...this foolishness..I am a man. Believe me I look at the forms and say, that is freaky deaky lets stop this now.

Plus there is the man in the mirror that has all kinds of hair growing on the wrong places...But here I am now dressing steadily for the last seven months. I am not real happy though, I am alone allot...but still I know that I am trans gender and if I push it away, I am fooling myself because I pushed nothing. There is no away. Only Noemi, I am her.

I am wishing you well and your friend and sending out positive energy to you.

You can put down your female self, throw away your wardrobe. Do what you feel like doing and follow that. It is all perfection, and is what is supposed to happen.

♥♥♥(♥)
Noemi

[Voulez-Vous]

Everyone is different. It all depends on where you personally are on the "T" spectrum. Transgender & Crossdresser are not the same. I've seen so many people say "you can't quit cd-ing, no matter what". That's simply not true. You can do whatever you want, if you want to bad enough. It may not be easy, but it is possible to quit cd-ing.

[JohnH]

Lorileah.

Maybe you simply like a little variety. Of course men are severely constrained in what they wear.

Let's see - men have a wide variety of clothes to wear for formal wear - as long as it's coat and tie along with pants.

Also they have a wide variety of shoes they can wear - as long as the heels are no higher than 3 cm (1 1/4 inches) high, and the color is black, brown, cordovan, or sometimes, white.

Also there is the tremendous variety of grooming - as long as there is no makeup.

Men have a wide variety of bottoms to wear - as long as they are pants or shorts.

All of this reminds me of Henry Ford's slogan for the Model T: "You can have any color as long as it's black".

John

[NathalieX66]

Everyone is different. It all depends on where you personally are on the "T" spectrum. Transgender & Crossdresser are not the same. I've seen so many people say "you can't quit cd-ing, no matter what". That's simply not true.

...unless you happen to be latently trans.

Some folk, late in life, start out as crossdressers, then progress into something else. It happens.

[KellyJameson]

I never experience the urge to purge in the manner you describe but I often experience an urge to purge everything in my life and have done this on more than one occasion and would even call it a theme in my life.

I will dispose of my possessions (but keep my favorite skirts), quit my job and move to another part of the country and sometimes the world just to see what will happen.

Sometimes I go back to school, change careers, take up completely different hobbies, ect.. but the goal is transformation through change, sometimes radical.

It is planting yourself in entirely different soil to see how you now will grow.

We need a measure of security in life but the risk is in pursuing security to the point we stop experiencing the mysteries of life so life than loses its flavor.

We must live expansively so we do not contract into mind numbing nothingness.

[Nichola]

We do this because it's just who we are, I don't think we can change this. The thoughts & the dressing may come & go, but it's always there.
Sorry to hear about your friend & your situation, I hope things get better for you.

[Jennifer Cox]

...unless you happen to be latently trans.

Some folk, late in life, start out as crossdressers, then progress into something else. It happens.

Happened to me! :eek:

[elliemoss]

yeh i do find it hard to resist, especially when the urge is so prominent and i cant get it out of my head. sometimes it can be so much hassle especially when it takes up important time and hits the pocket hard but u know i wudnt change a thing. its amazingly exciting and liberating and of course sexy. u know everyone has some urge within them that they struggle with but i think always embrace it its completely normal and its not harming anyone so just do it

[Barbarainstockings]

I have crossdressed since I was 12 years old, I am now 55 I am bisexual andmust have spent 100’s buying dresses lingere etc I usually have phases lasting about 6 month when I am very femenine, but because I am not passable I get depressed with my look, and end up trying to be just a man again. Usually by throwing out my dresses etc. It never works and I am back after a few months to buying clothes again and crossdressing, I love being a woman but hate being a masculine one, I think I am beginning to come to terms after last depression I did not throw away my clothes and makeup just hid them in the loft! I know I will never change I have always been in the closet but do not have the nerve to come out and be what I am. I would love to crossdress with others but am very nervous about meeting. I have only just joined Cross dressers and hope it will enable me to come to terms with my feme side.

[Frédérique]

The question always arises "why do you do this?" Like we choose to be ostracized get those side long glances and even the pretend acceptance. Why would anyone choose to be a part of a minority. If you had the choice would you not go with the flow? Yeah we love the roller coaster ride. How we are riding high one day, then crashing to earth the next. I take it with the territory.

As well you should! It’s fun to be part of a minority, but I would be lying if I said I never desired a “normal” life with all of its pre-determined emptiness. Being ostracized and marginalized all of my life, I became comfy as a true outsider. Indeed, what am I supposed to do, scream at the Moon, or take out my failings out on anyone and everyone? I think it’s important to accept one’s lot in life and make more out of it than others may want you to, or wish you to. This crossdressing is a highly selfish enterprise, which puts me and my peers at loggerheads with those who eschew selfishness yet accept pride out of hand – there is no winning and losing in my little slice of the world, but imagination is part and parcel of my very existence. Unlike normalcy or conformity, deviancy is anything but empty…
:straightface:

[Kate T]

Lori

You do it because you like who you are. The payoff is that I also like who you are as well, for what it is worth.

Oh, and I'm not buying the "tired of driving the bus" scenario either. You know the reason your even asking yourself these questions is because you are driven to know why. You also know the answer, in your bones, even before you've asked the question. But you still have to make sure that it really is the right answer, not just a lie that someone has concocted because they were to lazy to look for the real answer.

Honestly, I don't think you will ever truly want someone telling you what to do. At the moment you are just a little tired of being the one who is expected to tell others what is the right thing to do. The paradox is, you know that the right thing to do is to help those others in doing the right thing for themselves.

You know that you will always have my support (just don't expect me to always agree!). Whatever you need just ask.

[Robinkay]

Keep your head held high thing's will get better !

[Sexyboy0423]

I'm every sorry to hear the sad news and hope that everything works out for the best in both situations ,wow I thought it was uncommon to "purge" but I gues all if us go through it I'm only 19 and I've thrown out all of my femm stuff quite a few times and after reading everyone's reply's it just makes me feel that much more comfortable to know that we're not the only ones were a strong group of sisters and united we stand in our heels flats and sandals ready to take on what ever the world throws at us

[JocelynJames]

I dressed since I was about 13 , often having only a few items at a time. I would feel guilty along the line and purge those few items but would be back in 6 months. I hid it from my first wife and finally after 5 yrs of marriage told my second wife. It was rough for a few months, but now she helps me shop and with makeup. I have not left the house en femme an she doesnt want me to get a wig because this would mean I want to be a woman. I didn't choose this, which She doesnt quite get but in due time. I still don't fully understand but it makes me feel good . I still wrestle with the thought tht she deserves a complete man . I am a total clothes shopping junkie-as long as they're women's clothes. Oh well.

[Barbarainstockings]

Although it’s sad to know others have had same problems as me with crossdressing it is great to know I am not the only one who feels like this and I am not alone!
Although I get depressed with the highs and lows, when I pull on a pair of stockings and get dolled up I feel a miliion bucks!!

[kimdl93]

You know I can't answer this for you, except to acknowlege that its something that's probably born into us...deeply embedded in the wiring of our brains or our DNA. Its not a choice....its who you are.

I also can't answer why whe have "wall" moments or weekends. I'm sure each of us does from time to time. But I can understand the triggers - like the melancholy associated with leaving a familiar home - one that you shared with a loved one. But take heart in the knowledge that the memories are always there for you.