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View Full Version : comming out, Help........



andrea1979
11-18-2005, 10:31 AM
I would like to come out to my fokes before i start going to see a counsellor but i'm having real problems finding a way to tell them, i can't find a good moment to break it to them. it has been sugested that i write them a letter, but even that is proving diffficult. has anybody done the letter thing, who could send me a copy that i could look at to help me start to write one.

any help would be good....

Sophie_A
11-18-2005, 10:36 AM
Dont do it by letter, its something you need to all talk about, if you send a letter, you will still have to face them one day. When people can see you talking they will be able to tell from your face and body language the passion and anguish that this causes you. You might be surprised how supportive they are.

MandyTS
11-18-2005, 10:46 AM
Oh wow coming out... how to begin.

Well first coming out is about overcoming fear, then finding acceptance. First I would not just jump in and say, hey mom, dad I want to be a girl (as my parents put it) but see a counciler and lay hints. I started asking tough questions about my growing up (I am intersexed) and that eventually lead to what I called the reverse talk, first my mom, then my dad, outside, 2 hours each, a little cry, a little answering questions etc. Your parents will probably be in shock, that is normal. My dad got angry, he punched a hole in the door. My mom was better, but her standpoint was religion.

You need to be ready with answers, and those come from not just yourself but a therapist. Understand how the brain works, try and pin point where things could have went wrong. Be sure to mention over a over that this is not your fault. Learn to accept yourself if you want others to accept you also. Confidence is the key to that, comfort with talking about it will come with time but just getting started is another way.

I like writting (shoot I am writing a book about this), but I did not choose writing as my media to come out. I hate waiting for a response and talking is much more personal, expecially if you are living at home. I can send you the letter I wrote, but it is over 15 pages single spaced typed.

I know you are going through a tough time. You seem young and life is long. Evaluate your options, once you ring the bell you can never really take it back.

Good Luck, will be thinking about you,
Mandy

DonnaT
11-18-2005, 10:47 AM
I agree, a face-to-face is the best way.

When I came out to my mom I was showing her photos I had on my camara (displaying them on the television), and one was of me enfemme. She didn't recognize me and asked, "Who's that?" I replied, "Me" She had to look from it to me several times to see it.

Stlalice
11-18-2005, 11:49 AM
May I suggest that you hold off on telling your folks until after you have seen your therapist a few times and that you discuss the matter with your therapist first? These people deal with family issues all the time and his/her help and guidance may well make a huge difference in how it goes. This is one place where you will truly only have one chance to do it right so take your time and work as much as possible out beforehand. Remember - in this instance the best surprise is no surprise at all.

Julie
11-18-2005, 12:42 PM
Andrea,

The girls here have given you some good advice. If you want to tell your parents first in order that the "why do you want to see a counselor" question will have been answered then I suggest you start by telling them you are having some difficulties. You know your parents and yourself better than anyone so how it goes from there you'd have to decide. But if you let them know you're struggling I'm sure they would want to help. You're their child and there's no stronger bond than parent-child. Trust in that.

Kim E
11-18-2005, 01:00 PM
Hi Andrea ~
Like some others have mentioned, I'm more inclined to do the 'face to face' approach. Allows you to calmly and honestly put your cards on the table, so to speak. It allows dialogue and opens the lines of communication, right then. Communication is a vital key to resolving any issue between people. Your parents will be able to see you, as honest and respectful towards them.

Only you know your parents and the best way to tell them. Which ever way you choose I wish you well.

Hugs ~ Kim

Chloe new transition
11-18-2005, 06:13 PM
Howdy Andrea,

Don't go the letter option sweety, do it face to face, even if that is the most daunting thing you'll ever do in your life!

I'd wait till you've spoken to your counsellor first a few times, this way you have yourself all centred and settled in the processes you're going through. Use their advise on how best to break it to your family, ask everyone you can, read the websites out there that tell of others trials and tribulations along their Transitional path.

This is exactly what I'm doing right now as I'm also a newbie to the process.

I haven't actually made this step as yet with any family or friends, but I think I'll be one of the lucky ones, cause at age 14 when I told my Mum I was gay, she replied that she had always known! Then proceeded to hug me! My suspicions are that she won't be surprised about this either, and will still accept me for who I am, not what I am. But my Mum's a left over hippie with the bestest of ideals in regard of life, not exactly your soccer Mom type!

My boyfriend of the last 12 years knows and is fully supportive of my journey ahead. He has seen this aspect of myself intensify over time, peaking every couple of years and me driving it down and repressing it. This last time around though, we sat down and spoke about why I kept denying something that meant so much to me being whole, turns out it all came from my lack of belief in myself.

Whatever you choose to do Andrea, know that there are plenty of folks here who have huge hearts, and lives rich with experience and wisdom to share.

You are never alone sweetness.

andrea1979
11-19-2005, 07:21 AM
thank you for the input, I will still tell them face to face, but i will probably send a letter also, as i do find it easier to explain things in writing and i can also put some informaation in it as well to help them understand. this is the hardest thing i will ever do , i just want to get it right as there will be no second chances to do it again.

VickySTG
11-19-2005, 08:02 AM
Girl no letter no letter. If you need printed support download info off the net. You know like fact sheets.

Marlena Dahlstrom
11-19-2005, 10:22 PM
thank you for the input, I will still tell them face to face, but i will probably send a letter also

A letter is a good way to collect your thoughts and you can have it to read from if you get too nervous during the face-to-face.

Rachel_740
11-20-2005, 11:29 AM
I would like to come out to my fokes before i start going to see a counsellor but i'm having real problems finding a way to tell them, i can't find a good moment to break it to them. it has been sugested that i write them a letter, but even that is proving diffficult. has anybody done the letter thing, who could send me a copy that i could look at to help me start to write one.

any help would be good....

Andrea,

When I told my parents I considered the letter or phone call but I felt that not only were these im-personal ways of saying such an important and life changing (for everyone) thing, that I had to do it in person. That way I also got to see their faces to guage the reaction from that as welll as the verbal reaction.

I paved the way by telling my brother first. That was the hardest because I'd never admitted it to anyone and I've always kept my secret very well hidden. I went to tell him probably 4 or 5 times before I did and chickened out. When I did tell him I just blurted it out. He was ok with it, which obviously gave me more confidence to tell Mum and Dad (but I needed to tell them anyway, regardless of my brothers reaction).

When it came time to tell Mum and Dad, as I've always been much closer to Mum and find her easier to talk to I told her first, alone in the kitchen. Her reaction was immediately that it's my life to live as I want. From there I HAD to tell Dad because it wouldn't be fair to let Mum do it. I'd already committed myself by telling Mum, so when he came in from the garden I told him. He was slightly hesitant but then came out with pretty much the same line as Mum. Bear in mind also that Dad is well into his 80's and Mum is approaching her 80's, so it's not an age thing if someone doesn't accept you.

I've not looked back since.

Hope you have as much luck as me :thumbsup: .

Anne