Repressed memories bringing up new questions

[Darla]

Okay - so I'm solidly a Crossdresser and proud of it. I love feeling girly, blah blah. But recently i've started examining some childhood memories and I'm a little scared by what I've come to find - especially in light of many other experiences posted here.

Some of the most vivid memories are me lying in my bed, maybe 7-8 years old begging god to make me a girl. I wanted so badly to wake up in the morning with a vagina, with all the things associated. I wished night after night that magically i could change genders and be what I wanted in my heart.

I knew I never could (boy do I wish I grew up a few decades later) but now I'm feeling like maybe there's something to these memories. Is it possible to be a repressed transsexual? Is this the first step?

Thanks
Darla

[Serana]

This is kinda tricky to answer but I'll give it a try.

From my childhood memories and experiences, I was very much the same, begging god to make me into a girl overnight and such. Being 20 now, I pretty much regressed the whole thoughts in my early teen years, but they reignited later on.
It could very much be that it's repressed feelings that are only seeming to make sense now, but it depends many factors, I feel.

Personally, I don't think I could judge it and say "yes it was" or "no it wasn't" because it certainly doesn't work like that, but I could say that certainly it may very well be the first step in your questioning your gender identity, but on the flip side it could just be you reading into your memories and wondering a bit ^^;.

There's more to it, and a lot of it (in my personal opinion) is down to personal feelings. In some ways it can be the first step. Perhaps it's the time when you sit yourself down and ask the questions like "Am I happy as I am now?" and "If I could would I change what I am?". The definitions that we see on the net are just generalizations of the whole thing, and as we are all unique, it means we'll perceive it differently.

Certainly take the chance to sit and think about feelings, if you're happy with yourself, body etc. If this doesn't work sometimes just asking those who are in that 'boat' can always help too, and perhaps piece more things together.

I hope this comes as a little bit of help to you, or maybe a garbled mess XD
Though I'd say I'm not sure if best to speak with me or with others depending on ages and such, and situations. I do hope to have shedded some light through my own personal experience on the 'deciding' matter.

Seri-chan~

[Beverley Sims]

I had similar feelings when I was young.
As I was a 98 pound weakling and looked good as a girl when I was 18 I had a group of girls as friends.
I was told I was not developing as I should as I did not shave till I was 20.
I was given a regimen of female hormones when I was 19 and this resulted in me growing nubby teenage breasts and developing aureolas.
I liked this part and the girls arranged a couple of dates with boys. I enjoyed their company and we had a few intimate evenings .
They did not know that I was a boy... Nothing like that. They did get to feel inside my blouse and I responded.
All I am saying here is it changed my mindset and I really felt good for about six months, dressing most of the time.
Dressed as a boy most thought I was a girl or at least a lesbian. I had a husky not deep voice.
The hormones were withdrawn, the testosterone kicked in, the voice deepened and I started to grow stubble and shave. I lost the interest in male company also.
I will take a kiss on the cheek but that's about all.
I am happily married with 2 children now, but if I had been born twenty years later I would have kept on the hormones I am sure.

[Darla]

Thanks for the replys - I do this kInd of plays into my questioning - and it's in no way garbled Serana. My head feels that way most days! But I try to fit it into context and it all seems to fit. I too was a 98 pound weakling, although I tried to compensate, I found a lot of solace I being a girl more than a boy. Just wished I was dating enough to have put forth the concept of me actually accepting that fact and trusting in my parents to help. But Beverly - if I had had that experience today I bet I wouldn't be on this forum at all - i'd be too busy living my life post SRS. What an unusual turn of events.

But as far as a choice - which is what it comes down to (and as I'm much older than I feel like I should be to make this decision) I feel like my ship has sailed, and I'd vie up too much. But I do have a serious case of the what ifs. I bet I would have really rocked as a transwoman!

[Jorja]

Darla, I don't know about repressed memories being a sign you might be transsexual. I do know that many people never connected those memories to anything for years. One day boom, the desire to be femme is to great to resist. I think instead of looking to the past for answers you need to look to the present. How do you feel about it today? Do you want/need to become a woman? It is never too late to act on your feelings or desires. Sure, if your older hormones may not work as well but they can still be a benefit mentally for you. You can still dress the part and enjoy everything femme. You can still be the woman you are. BTW, we have a 93 year old about 6 months into transition in one of my support groups. ;)

[Serana]

I think perhaps some of the best advice anybody could really offer is, "what do you want out of life?" really. I agree with you Jorja that there shouldn't be a time limit on when you can transition, especially with the 'modern era' and more and more people coming out as trans and making the changes to their life to go with what they want.

But I suppose a lot of it has to take into account personal factors, like life, anything that transitioning could affect too. If you feel it's mutually beneficial to your life to do so, and that it won't affect your life completely adversely in ways you'd like then I don't see why it's not worth maybe looking deeper into it and deciding on whether or no the transition should go ahead. Lol, I can't say I did that in the best way at first, so I feel perhaps this advice comes with 'some' experience behind it.

I think all in all what it comes down to is how great the desire becomes, and if it becomes more a burden to bear, this need, over time, then maybe that's when things like taking the next few steps should be taken. The fact that you cross-dress can perhaps only make it a little easier for you if you did decide to take those steps.

Either way, I wish you happiness :D

Seri-chan~

[kimdl93]

Your comment suggests that there's a slippery slope...allow one thought and the others will necessarily follow. If it puts you at eas, a lot of us have had similar moments. Its difficult to take one childhood fantasy and extrapolate to your present circumstances. Maybe you had or continue to have some idealized notions of womanhood. That childhood wish may reflect that idealization.

The larger question is how you feel about yourself today. Not what you might do in an ideal or magical world, but today. Do you feel that you are a woman confined to a mans body and do you find that intolerable? To me, that's the definition of a transsexual. If its something less than that, you're likely to be a transgendered person...someone with feminine attributes and interests, but OK with your current gender and lifestyle. For transgendered people, its a matter of degree. For a truly TS person, there's not question.

[Aprilrain]

Do you feel that you are a woman confined to a mans body and do you find that intolerable? To me, that's the definition of a transsexual.

This is a very limiting definition of what a TS is. I have never felt like a "woman trapped in a mans body" in fact i find the notion absurd. It's clear to me that i should have been a woman but I'm not, at least not in the traditional sense. Instead I'm a TS woman.

I have to agree with the intolerable part. I DO think that matters, if you find your situation intolerable then its time to do something about it. Transition may or may not be the answer. In spite of all of the hemming and hawing that goes on around here about therapy I personally think its the best and safest way to come to terms with ones transsexuality and find an acceptable solution to the problem.

[melissaK]

Repressed memories happens to some of us. The theory is it is the minds way to cope with a bad, emotionally overpowering event that you are powerless to change and are forced to accept. The conscious mind deletes the memory triggers for the event. Often once a person's mind learns this coping trick they will use it again in their life when awful events occur.

But, the supressed memories and emotions are there in the subconscious mind and if a person is mature enough and has improved their coping skills enough, they can figure out the blank spots in their memories (events you really ought to remember but don't); or recall events that you have no associated feeling with (when you really should have memories of being really upset and crying). Then they can revisit the memories leading into or from the blank spot and recall the actual event, and work through the associated emotions and move on. Sometimes our subconscious just seems to push the suppressed event or feelings into conscious thoughts. And, because your mind seems to be hiding things from you, and revealing fragments of past memories, you can becomes real unsure of everything you think you remember. There are a few web sites that focus on the issues associated with this.

And can tran issues rank up there as emotionally traumatic enough for the mind to repress them, sure.

I might be someone who has struggled with the problems of a mind adept at repressing emotionally upsetting moments. ;^) I too highly recommend counselling in getting things straight.

hugs,

'lissa

[Melody Moore]

Repressed memories are no confirmation of anything and as MelissaK points out, in theory is it is the minds way
to cope with a bad, emotionally overpowering event that you are powerless to change and are forced to accept.

Repressed memories are not something that is always forgotten either, for example I was fully aware all my life
I had been sexually abused. However I believe I repressed this memory where I never forgot it, I just refused to
ever tell anyone or talk about it. I have many memories relating to my feelings and thoughts about my gender as
a child that I had repressed in the exact same way where there was this awareness, but also a lot of pain if I ever
thought about it. And I never unlocked most of my repressed memories until after I started my transition. I believe
that when they started unlocking themselves I was also starting to understand myself better and why I felt so scared
of the experiences I had at the time. One of the most powerful repressed memories I ever had was from when I was
about 4 years of age and it was in my first days of going to kindergarten and I was thrust into socialising & interacting
with other children. I remember it now as clear as the day it happened. I was terrified, especially of the other boys
and what made it worse was the fact that boys was who I was being segregated with. I know I would have been happier
being with the girls, but that is not how things were meant to work. "Blue is for boys and Pink is for girls right?" I don't
ever recall any feelings where I was "trapped in the wrong body" or I knew from the age of 3 or 4 I was a girl. I call BS
on those types of statements because of thing called çhild hood amnesia & the age we start to develop gender awareness.
For all intensive purposes I was meant to be a boy & that is how I was suppose to try and fit in which was really awkward.
And this is why I always felt like an alien as a child, which got worse as I got older, stuck in no man's land between genders.

My first real signs of expressing myself as a girl started around the age of 6 when I use to put on my sister's clothes, and
by the age of 9-10 that is when I started to actually wonder and question if I was a boy or a girl? But I continued to repress
these feelings, however I never forgot them no matter how hard I tried the awareness, along with a lot of shame & guilt was
always there. And even though I was repressing my issues pretty well, I could not stop the thoughts about wanting to undergo
sex reassignment at the age of 15. And it took another 34 years to finally stop repressing these feelings because of the fear I
had about who I really was and get to the point I am at now where I am having SRS in 2 months time.

When I finally accepted myself there was lots of stuff I started to recall and finally make a lot of sense of in my life. I even
uncovered a lot of secrets about my parents and some of the drama and issues that affected them in their relationship and
how that also impacted on me. So the moral of my story is this. Accept how you are and all the painful and scary memories
or feelings you have all start to disappear and a lot more about the issues you question will finally make a lot more sense.

Good Luck. :hugs: xx

[Beverley Sims]

Reading other replies, Melody and Kindl, there is a lot of food for thought here.
Like you Darla, I suffer from the what if's and wonder what"s as well.
I am happy with my situation and would be reluctant to change direction now.
I still have my dreams and thoughts. These will not be destroyed.

[Darla]

Wow! Every wander away from a thread you created for a minute and find it filled with thoughtful replies? I really think this place is special, as are all of you.

So - I do think transitioning would pretty much wreck a good portion of my life and in answer to the burning question about my happiness I'd have to say I'm content making a little progress day by day in dressing and where my spouse's comfort zone lies. If I were single, fancy free, and probably a tad younger (judgement on myself - not others!) then I might consider what it would be like to transition. But I have to say that life is more than bearable, and just the thought of increased acceptance goes a long way. I think it was these memories that I seem to have not buried so much as ignored (thank you Melody for opening up about your experience!) that had me wondering. Yes - we change over the course of our lives, but we also stay the same. And we do make choices that compound the ease or difficulty of later choices. But it costs nothing to wander memory lane, and build an imaginary path to another future. It's like the John Lennon song...

Darla

[KellyJameson]

Hi Darla

You still have many opportunities available to you for self exploration and experience. Not many people live without regret of some kind but regret can steal your enjoyment of life in this moment by thinking about "what if" and take the
focus off what we can do about the "now".

In some sense you were fortunate that as a child you were able to pray to be changed into a girl because it showed your awareness that you were not even if that
awareness was forced on you by others so you believed what you were told instead of what you felt to be true.

There was enough "boy" inside the "girl" to make possible acceptance of your body so the pain was more manageable.

There is another world where the trauma is so deep to the mind from the incongruous experience of seeing a body that does not belong to you that your mind goes into a perpetual fantasyland and you remove yourself from reality so in some sense stay a child and never move into the world of adults living your life watching everyone pass you by without any understanding of why and without
any real desire to join the world of adults and this profoundly limits many of the experiences of life that are taken for granted and feels like you are crazy.

This becomes a complete denial of reality because everything in life is experienced through our bodies so it is not repression of specific memories but of all truth
which is only possible by closing your mind to everything outside you and you go inward because life is traumatic, not one specific event.

It is perpetually being on guard against anything that could point to a truth that contradicts the truth you "know" to be true.

Gender dysporia is crazy making and you sound like you have been able to escape many of the consequences.

I hope I can give you another perspective where you are able to see that instead of missing a wonderful experience you may have avoided a terrible experience.

[Traci Elizabeth]

Did you even know what a vagina was at 6 or 7 considering you are not a spring chicken anymore?

[Darla]

Ha! Traci - that's a crack up. No - I only had a vague idea of what this so-called vagina is. Being a first child with a little sister I only could go by schoolyard talk about what girls had instead. So I wanted to look like a girl - maybe sparing me the thought of changing my body at the time. I really wanted to be a ballerina though - lack of a penis would have been a prerequisite.

And Kelly - I appreciate your thoughtful response - I may have avoided the pain of extreme GID but it's a matter of degrees isn't it? I want to dress like a woman, go clubbing, wear the prettiest sequin dress and heels - but I can't as I painted myself into a corner. My only salvation is keeping the love I have and gaining acceptance and making light of a rather funny situation. Because if I can't laugh at myself I'm lost. And if my wife can't laugh with me I'm sad.

Here's to the day when expectations match reality!

Thanks for all your comments,
Darla

[Melody Moore]

Darla, I am going to be honest and straight to the point here, personally believe that if you ever had
GID at all, then the question about transition would be unavoidable, and 'severe GID' is something that
you won't be able to avoid regardless of whatever corner you think you might have painted yourself into.

From my personal experience in transition and talking to other trans girls, those of us who do transition
constantly kept having issues relating to their gender & thoughts about transitioning constantly popping
up in our lives. And no matter what detour we take, or we do to try and avoid the issue, we constantly
keep arriving back at the same point, time and time again and every time the need to transition just gets
stronger because it becomes increasingly undeniable we have severe GID and is the only answer for us.

Trust me, people with severe GID do try and avoid the issue and the results are often very tragic, I have
personally tried to take my own life a number of times, and I nearly succeeded on two of those occasions
when I successfully put myself into cardiac arrested and had to be revived by emergency staff in hospital.

I got to a point in my life where the excuses no longer were completely useless in helping me to repress my
gender issues. If I was to avoid taking my own life again, I had to finally admit to myself what was the real
problem and just get the hell on with fixing it. Sadly there was going to be some other causalities in my life
with respect to those who cannot accept it and reject me. But all that was irrelevant to me because I had
an issue that was going to eventually kill me if I didn't choose to do something about it. So no woman or love
was going to stand in the way of that because how could I love someone if I was dead? This is severe GID.

Traci, are you wondering about the thoughts about having a vagina and having it nailed to the bed by some
stud at 6 or 7 years old? LOL I don't know about anyone else, but for me personally I just wanted there to
be nothing there like how it appeared to me back then like other girls. I had no idea about the full anatomy
of the vagina then, I just knew I didn't like what I had already down there and having a penis was a constant
source of shame and embarrassment to me. So this is how it all started for me.

[LisaMallon]

I do know that many people never connected those memories to anything for years. One day boom, the desire to be femme is to great to resist. ;)

Couldn't agree more. Exactly what happened to me. When I really started to think about it seriously then I had one of those "Oh S**t" moments, when I could see a clear pattern since about 5.
Working through it with my Gender Therapist the pattern became blindingly obvious.

At which point my choice was to either keep running away from it (as I had been doing for 50 years) or accept it and do something about it. That was a 'gulp' moment if there ever was.
Maybe if I was still 30 I might have kept the running thing going, but in the end I realised that I don't want to live this way any longer.

You start to get a bit more aware of your own mortality when you get older and I just don't want to die as a male (hopefully for not a long time of course). I want to enjoy being myself for as long as possible (and try not to regret to much the lost years).

[melissaK]

When I really started to think about it seriously then I had one of those "Oh S**t" moments, when I could see a clear pattern since about 5.
Working through it with my Gender Therapist the pattern became blindingly obvious.

So much of our lives starts to make sense when you look at childhood events after you admit a desire to be or act as the opposite gender. Some where along the way as kids we realize the only way to get parental and adult authority figure approval is to act like the gender they want us to act like. For some we slip into that, for others we are more forcefully pushed into it. So in the end we try to conform.

But what has happened to us is a form of abandonment, and a form of conditional love, not unconditional love. No parent is there saying "you are ok" "I love you just as you are." We were truly abandoned on this intimate issue of self identification. As kids will will do anything to win a parents approval. So we did.

Bless our parents who thought gender identification was something a person can control like not hitting your playmate. Since we can't really change the desire to be the opposite gender, that makes us pretty unstable people. Our lives end up built upon being what others want to see in us far more than most people, and our lives and relationships are constructed very far from who we really are. Abandonment issues, the desire for unconditional love, permeate my life. I think, until we declare ourselves to be transgendered, we remain unstable people.

I know when I had the "aha" moment, for me it was after I admitted I wanted to CD or OMG, admitted I wanted to be the opposite gender. Then I looked back at the moments in my childhood and saw where it was made clear to me by teachers then my parents, that I had to stop playing and acting like the girls and was told to go play with and act like the boys. From then on I was really on my own - and as I thought about my acts and behaviors after that, I could see why i did a lot of things, some out of anger, some in the search for unconditional love, some due to the fear of abandonment. All those issues have pretty old roots.

The "aha" moment of giving what I thought was a minor event, appropriate significance by examining it in hindsight, is probably not too far from having genuinely repressed memories as I found the "aha's" to be emotional moments. But I've had some truly repressed trauma memories that I ventured into to bring back and they are an emotional tour de force event, just on a grander scale.

hugs,
'lissa

[Beverley Sims]

Hindsight is such a wonderful thing.
It would be more wonderful if I could have turned my hindsight into foresight.:)

[Jorja]

Hindsight is such a wonderful thing.
It would be more wonderful if I could have turned my hindsight into foresight.:)

Turn around my dear. ;)

[Rachel Smith]

Dont mean to hijack the thread but thanks for the laugh Jorja

Hugs
Rachel

[Marleena]

Darla when I first joined here I had just accepted being TG and I wanted to help others feel good about themselves too. Early on I indentified as a CDer because that was my only outlet. It was not about the clothes or sexual but feeling "right". It wasn't long afterwards that the GID started and memories started coming back to me. You see I never felt like I fit in as a kid but didn't know what it was. I remember being in my twenties and wanting to be a girl real bad. That was before information was available on the internet. Then I got my wife pregnant, married her and helped raise a family. I buried all my thoughts at that point and did my husband and father duties while still Cding once in awhile to try and satisfy the urge.

Anyways as the GID progressed I joined a TG support group and told the TS group leader those feelings I had. She told me I was most likely TS and I freaked! I did not want to be TS and was in denial at that point. So yes I understand blocking out or repressing things as a way of getting on with your life. Now decades later the kids are grown and married and I got bit good on the a$$ by the TS bug again. You can run but you can't hide forever. However I would always recommend a gender therapist to confirm your suspicions. The Pink Fog can also sometimes lead one to believe it's more than it really is.

[Beverley Sims]

Turn around my dear. ;)

Gee! you are quick....
I will turn around when I get some time.:)