dsmth
08-07-2012, 11:09 AM
Oh. My. God. I don't know what's gotten into me but I had the most amazing experience last night. I'm posting this message because I HAVE to share it! I have to at least try to put into words some fraction of "what happened". It may have only been one late evening that lasted a few hours at most but it was as if time behaved differently. There was more time. More time for more things to happen within an "hour".
This is not something that I do. I have never done this before (the going out "like this" part). It was dark - late twilight - and the weather was warm. I put on some lip gloss. I put on a casual dress, black capri leggings, flats, feather earrings, beach-ware type necklace, and a long flowing light blue scarf. Then I got my bike out and opened my backyard fence gate. I rode through the lane-way and onto the streets. I couldn't believe I was doing this although I had dreamed about it before. I decided to ride to a nearby beach. I locked my bike there and walked through the sand to the pebbles and rocks by the water. Waves were crashing on the shoreline. A pleasant breeze was blowing from the lake. The sky was clear but full of stars. I keep remembering and thinking about the stars against the perfectly clear black nighttime sky. I saw and heard in the mid-distance that there was some kind of beach party playing electronic music. It was too dark and far enough away so I was unable to see any of the people there. But not so far away that I didn't feel like I was a part of it almost. I sat on a rock by the waves and listened to the bass beats for a while. I saw there were many small, white tents glowing red and blue from some kind of party lighting. I noticed, also, not too far from me there were others enjoying the beach, although I don't think that they noticed me (or cared if they did -- not that it was likely that they would have noticed that there was a crossdresser in their midst). (This was not a desserted beach but it did FEEL very private to me -- due to the cover of darkness physically but emotionally too, of course, since my feelings were of my own that nobody else was/is privileged to -- but it was as though I was aware of the many different subjective and separate moments occurring to others as well as myself. I had enough "privacy". Just enough of the privacy that I needed whilst still being in the public -- but I was prepared for anything -- well, sort of). It was quite uniquely magical! It was as if there was a cause/effect relationship to the act of my doing this "unlikely" thing and the world responding with better and better, if slightly improbable, sights, sounds, environments. The probability of events otherwise seemed to be "off" (Like my doing this action caused other improbable but positive - mostly* - things to occur). *I feel that I should explain "mostly". But that's kind of another separate story and ties into the fact that there was more time for more events than is usually the case to occur in a given hour... Anyways that isn't important.
Eventually I put on my iPhone ear buds and started to play a song from Crash Vegas' album Red Earth. I went to an empty lifeguard stand in the sand, just a few steps away from the waves and held onto it (so that I wouldn't fall down with too much excitement). Facing the water, I danced while looking to the starry sky, dark lake and the white froth of the still visible lightly crashing waves. I just couldn't stop myself from dancing like I've never danced before! It was an "out of this world" (sorry for the cliche) experience let me tell you.
I feel that these words are not doing proper justice to the moment I had. I would love to make a movie about this night ... Something that would better capture the feelings. Something... so that I won't forget all of the details. It was that important to me. And every detail DID matter. It was like the universe was saying "good for you". Reality was shifted. I mean, as you can maybe tell from the details I did remember to write down, it was a night to remember even without the crossdressing part. The fact that such a night can EXIST makes me shake at the memory of it! And it is still bringing tears to my eyes.
Wow.
This is not something that I do. I have never done this before (the going out "like this" part). It was dark - late twilight - and the weather was warm. I put on some lip gloss. I put on a casual dress, black capri leggings, flats, feather earrings, beach-ware type necklace, and a long flowing light blue scarf. Then I got my bike out and opened my backyard fence gate. I rode through the lane-way and onto the streets. I couldn't believe I was doing this although I had dreamed about it before. I decided to ride to a nearby beach. I locked my bike there and walked through the sand to the pebbles and rocks by the water. Waves were crashing on the shoreline. A pleasant breeze was blowing from the lake. The sky was clear but full of stars. I keep remembering and thinking about the stars against the perfectly clear black nighttime sky. I saw and heard in the mid-distance that there was some kind of beach party playing electronic music. It was too dark and far enough away so I was unable to see any of the people there. But not so far away that I didn't feel like I was a part of it almost. I sat on a rock by the waves and listened to the bass beats for a while. I saw there were many small, white tents glowing red and blue from some kind of party lighting. I noticed, also, not too far from me there were others enjoying the beach, although I don't think that they noticed me (or cared if they did -- not that it was likely that they would have noticed that there was a crossdresser in their midst). (This was not a desserted beach but it did FEEL very private to me -- due to the cover of darkness physically but emotionally too, of course, since my feelings were of my own that nobody else was/is privileged to -- but it was as though I was aware of the many different subjective and separate moments occurring to others as well as myself. I had enough "privacy". Just enough of the privacy that I needed whilst still being in the public -- but I was prepared for anything -- well, sort of). It was quite uniquely magical! It was as if there was a cause/effect relationship to the act of my doing this "unlikely" thing and the world responding with better and better, if slightly improbable, sights, sounds, environments. The probability of events otherwise seemed to be "off" (Like my doing this action caused other improbable but positive - mostly* - things to occur). *I feel that I should explain "mostly". But that's kind of another separate story and ties into the fact that there was more time for more events than is usually the case to occur in a given hour... Anyways that isn't important.
Eventually I put on my iPhone ear buds and started to play a song from Crash Vegas' album Red Earth. I went to an empty lifeguard stand in the sand, just a few steps away from the waves and held onto it (so that I wouldn't fall down with too much excitement). Facing the water, I danced while looking to the starry sky, dark lake and the white froth of the still visible lightly crashing waves. I just couldn't stop myself from dancing like I've never danced before! It was an "out of this world" (sorry for the cliche) experience let me tell you.
I feel that these words are not doing proper justice to the moment I had. I would love to make a movie about this night ... Something that would better capture the feelings. Something... so that I won't forget all of the details. It was that important to me. And every detail DID matter. It was like the universe was saying "good for you". Reality was shifted. I mean, as you can maybe tell from the details I did remember to write down, it was a night to remember even without the crossdressing part. The fact that such a night can EXIST makes me shake at the memory of it! And it is still bringing tears to my eyes.
Wow.