She said it's a fetish.

[Madam Rose]

Ok my aunt's bff said that. Even though I tried to tell her it's not but she wont listen. I was wondering if anybody else had this told to them? I tried to tell her I just ;love the clothes but she wouldn't listen. O And a drunk hillbilly said to ''let it go'' I would look better in wrangler jeans and white T-Shirt. I told him sorry the HEE HAW look isn't my style.


P.S I'M new and please to meet you all.

[Sophia Claire]

welcome to the forums! Everybody here is really nice.

My mother told me that any man who wears women's clothing "must be trolling for dick." In a crowded restaurant. Having met the girls that I've dated and having caught me doing the no pants dance with at least two. I went out with a girl who was down with it, but only as a fetish. Does that count?

[katie_barns]

Welcome

For some it is a Fetish. For others, it is who that are period. There is also a thousand things in between. My wife said that when she frist found out. I think that people that only want to see the person they expect from us think that way.

[TeresaL]

Yep, I've had a shrink tell me that. He was partially correct.

The key is what is done with the cross dressing. Culmination in pleasuring yourself generally means it is a fetish. I don't know if saying the "M" word is permissible, but you get the picture.

[Madam Rose]

Welcome

For some it is a Fetish. For others, it is who that are period. There is also a thousand things in between. My wife said that when she frist found out. I think that people that only want to see the person they expect from us think that way.

I agrre my granny who loves me beyond words thinks I'm under stress but I don't wish to argue with her. I respect her waaaaay to much.

[JessicaVal]

I've been told that it is just a fetish, and also told it was just a phase. Ironically, I think it was both at the time. It has been said many times that this is a spectrum, but I'd go farther and say there are a number if spectrums. The fetish/sexual aspect is one, gender identity is one, sexual preference is one, and there are others. I think all people of all parts of the LGBT community and humanity as a whole are somewhere on these spectrums.

I think this is one if our greatest strengths, and one of the greatest confusions we fight against. People judge us for dozens if reasons. Ignoring, for a moment, the fact that people shouldn't judge...we seem to be routinely judged for reasons that aren't true. Anti-gay people judge straight crossdressers, men who like to wear heels are accused of being imasculated, and don't even start on the complications of trans people.

Welcome, btw! Glad to meet you!

[reb.femme]

The key is what is done with the cross dressing. Culmination in pleasuring yourself generally means it is a fetish. I don't know if saying the "M" word is permissible, but you get the picture.

Hey, I'm into self abuse in any guise.........my whole life is a fetish then :heehee:
Seriously though, it was initially, but things have definitely settled since I began to dress fully as much as possible.

Rebecca x

[NicoleScott]

How would she know? Your crossdressing may or may not be fetish-driven. But this I believe: for those whose crossdressing is fetish-driven, they know it.

[Eryn]

Webster says a fetish is:


an object or bodily part whose real or fantasized presence is psychologically necessary for sexual gratification and that is an object of fixation to the extent that it may interfere with complete sexual expression

So, if you need to be dressed for complete sexual gratification then you have a fetish. Otherwise, you do not.

Dressing as I do (as a normal 50ish woman) is not sexually gratifying for me. It is a compulsion, but has no sexual component.

[NicoleScott]

Eryn, I'm not going to argue with Webster (how did that cute little kid have time to write a dictionary?), but not all sources insist that the object is required, just that the object can bring about sexual arousal. Also, having a fetish doesn't necessarily have to interfere with a "normal" sex life; in fact, fetishes can enhance bedroom activity.
But, like most other things, out of control isn't a good thing.
It seems that those who don't dress for sexual pleasure never fail to mention that, as if someone might think they do, absent the disclaimer. It ain't leprosy.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Eryn, I'm not going to argue with Webster (how did that cute little kid have time to write a dictionary?),.

Hi Nicole, Now that was really funny I almost fell off my chair laughing.

[Eryn]

Eryn, I'm not going to argue with Webster

Actually, you should be arguing with me because I interpreted the definition wrong. Note the word "may" that I passed over.

Still, I think that most crossdressers over the age of (20, 30, 40, pick one) derive little or no sexual gratification from dressing.

[Stephanie47]

Rose, there's a plus side here! These people know you are a cross dresser and the hill billies haven't shotgunned you to death.

[JessicaVal]

I'm kinda glad she hasn't been shot gunned at all! Let alone to death...

:-p

[Diana Bain]

Ok so here's my take....and it's not my words...."what were once vices. Are now habits "

[docrobbysherry]

I'm just curious, Rose. If you're a "newbie" how do u KNOW you you're NOT a fetish dresser?
Especially since the definition of what that is is not set in stone?

[Anita_2]

Sorry I am new hire but I also have the same doubt about stockings (I like to wear it) but may be for me that it is in one part fetish and in total CD??

[Marlana]

For some it is a fetish. For others, it's a journey to find who they really are. For me, it's a journey to see if I am who I think I am. My parents are old school. They will say it's ok to be whatever you want, but willl turn around and say it's just wrong. Men are supposed to be men, and women are to be women. Republicans...sheeesh, don't even get me started. Anyway, only you can decide what it is. Go for it though!

[NicoleScott]

.....I think that most crossdressers over the age of (20, 30, 40, pick one) derive little or no sexual gratification from dressing.

I suspect you're right, and I would tend to pick the higher number of years, maybe even higher than 40. But who knows? If there are crossdressing men driven solely by their particular fetishes, I would think that their numbers would be hard to determine, and would derive little in the way of support on this forum which seems to me is becoming more and more geared to feminine identity type crossdressers rather than pleasure dressers.
Many crossdressers say that their dressing once had a sexual component to it, but in later years it diminished and sometimes disappeared completely. When we're young, it seems that everything is sexual, as the hormone floodgates are wide open.
There are crossdressers who always identify as men, but just like to dress up occasionally, and don't have that internal feminine identity. Without that feminine identity, what's left to drive the dressing except sexual arousal (OK, some dress for comfort, they say).
I would expect fetish-driven crossdressers, who dress in private, never go out, don't try to pass, etc. have little reason to seek forum support, and their numbers would be hard to determine. But I think there are lots of them.

[kimdl93]

It really doesn't matter what someone else says. They don't define you..you do.

[Anita_2]

It really doesn't matter what someone else says. They don't define you..you do.

That is right you also answered my post with similar question and thank you for that. But I think the reason why we are asking for opinion on other on this forum is to change minds and idea with people which are similar to us and that is good also is good that forum as this exist.

[TeresaL]

Addendum. DSM V
Check out the part about what it is accompanied by:

...cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.

http://www.dsm5.org/ProposedRevisions/Pages/proposedrevision.aspx?rid=189#

[Rachel Morley]

People that won't listen to how it is for you personally, and say that "it's a fetish" or tell you to ''let it go'' are either being arrogant (by assuming that they know better than the person who's doing it) or they really just don't understand you at all and so apply the tired old "standard response" of saying whatever they've been lead to believe by popular opinion in society and the media.

For many crossdressers, dressing has nothing to do with sexual gratification, it can even lead to a destroyed marriage, or a lost career, or restructured family relationships. That's a pretty high price to pay for something that is supposed to be just a fetish. Do you think people would knowing allow all of that to happen if it was "only a fetish". The truth is it's not a fetish for most people, it's deeply rooted in our personalities. There are many different places on the gender identity scale, and many of us lie somewhere between all-male and all-female.

[NicoleScott]

Rachel (#23, just above), I agree completely. There are many crossdressers who are driven by their fetishes, and there are many whose femininity is "deeply rooted in our personalities". But even if it is fetish driven, it's not "just a fetish", and expecting a pleasure dresser to "let it go" is like telling a feminine identity dresser to "let it go".
People can have an academic understanding of different aspects of crossdressing without have the personal understanding. I don't have a deeply rooted internal feminine personality, but I have a personal understanding of the pleasures of dressing driven by fetishes.

[Dawn cd]

Personally, I believe that there's always a thread of sexuality in our gender presentation. Sexuality has to do with the way we relate to others—even a polite hello to a man or woman has a sexual element. This doesn't mean it's erotic, but it's sexual. Sexuality is a source of energy and doesn't disappear when we're 30 or 50 or 90. So, while crossdressing may not be "just a fetish," it certainly has a sexual dimension, and I say thank God for it.

[sterling12]

A favorite theme of some people in The Psych World, and others with money-making ministries to finance. If it's a fetish, then it's curable! Either by therapy or by prayer. But the important part is that you accept their premise. That way, they can have influence, and concurrently drain your bank account.

All people have "preferences," certain clothing, a certain look in a partner, a style of car, etc. etc.. A "True Fetish" by definition is some object that is necessary to achieve sexual completion. If you HAVE to have The Panties to "get off," then it's a Fetish!

A simple rule for living, "always question the other person's motive." Especially, when they offer insistant advise or guidance. "Is there some "pay off" for that person? Do they have "An Agenda" that is easy to recognize?" Then, the object of their efforts is aimed at YOU. They want you to become their victim, or their dupe! It ain't easy to live independently, to think for ourselves; but it sure beats being someone else's little slave, always responding to what they want you to do.

Tell The BFF to push that garbage on somebody else. Do it nicely, but do it! The funny outcome? In the future, She will likely give you more respect.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Rachel Morley]

But even if it is fetish driven, it's not "just a fetish", and expecting a pleasure dresser to "let it go" is like telling a feminine identity dresser to "let it go".
Absolutely ... I didn't mean to imply that being a fetish crossdresser is any less credible than a feminine identity dresser. Sorry if it came over that way.

[NicoleScott]

No, Rachel, I didn't take it that way - that you implied anything. I was referring to those who don't (because they can't) understand crossdressing, whether fetish or identity based, like the OP's aunt's bff. It's easy to tell someone to "let it go" when you're not the one who has to let it go. It just doesn't work that way.

[Rachel Morley]

No, Rachel, I didn't take it that way - that you implied anything. I was referring to those who don't (because they can't) understand crossdressing, whether fetish or identity based, like the OP's aunt's bff. It's easy to tell someone to "let it go" when you're not the one who has to let it go. It just doesn't work that way.
I totally agree. We're on the same page ... I especially like your sentence: "It's easy to tell someone to "let it go" when you're not the one who has to let it go".

[Madam Rose]

I'm just curious, Rose. If you're a "newbie" how do u KNOW you you're NOT a fetish dresser?
Especially since the definition of what that is is not set in stone?
First thank you Stephanie for saying that. Second is for you Miss, I know I'm not a fetish because I do not get off on wearing a dress and I only love women. I have always wanted to wear girl clothes since I was a teen. i do hope you understand.

[Anita_2]

A some time ago I was talking with one girl which is my friend, I like her she is real intelligent woman and she has graduated sociology. So I told her about my “fetish” that I like sex(with girls I have no interest in boys) in stockings. She asked me “Can you have sex and without stockings?” I answered “yes I like sex” than she told me “That what you wish is cool I would like to see you in stockings but if you can enjoy in sex only in stockings than you are in trouble.” Well since today I have not found better definition for that question. So much from me.

[April_Ligeia]

There are a lot of good points in this thread. I wonder,though, if it is a fetish or isn't, what is the difference? If they are accepting, maybe it's because they think it's "just a fetish."

[Ally 2112]

I think it can be what ever makes you happy sexual ,fetish, compulsion ,need ,compfort ,release or all the above ? :)

[josee]

There is nothing wrong with dressing in feminine attire whether you do it as a fetish, or you feel more comfortable that way or if it helps you express or get in touch with your own femininity or as part of your gender expression.
Like Iggy said "I'm not ashamed to dress like a woman, cause I don't think it's shameful to be a woman"
Whatever your reason is, whether you just like the clothes or because you are a woman it's OK.

http://feministing.com/files/2012/02/Picture-4.png

[ReineD]

Here's the dictionary.com definition of fetish:

Fetish

fet·ish   [fet-ish, fee-tish] noun
1. an object regarded with awe as being the embodiment or habitation of a potent spirit or as having magical potency.
2. any object, idea, etc., eliciting unquestioning reverence, respect, or devotion: to make a fetish of high grades.
3. Psychology - any object or nongenital part of the body that causes a habitual erotic response or fixation.

There are CDers who do have a fixation on the clothing or "the look" (#2) to the point of seemingly having shopping compulsions, so this could be what your aunt meant. We've had threads here from members who describe the sheer volume of makeup, clothing, shoes, jewelry they own, way more than they'll ever wear, or who are in awe and place a great deal of importance on all their feminine possessions and being fashionable, or who can't go to the store without buying something and who catalog everything and can't bear to part with anything, almost like hoarding. This is not a fetish in the sexual sense. And there are avid collectors of many items to the point of excess: trains, baseball cards, coins, memorabilia. Are all these collections fetish as well? It's hard to say. lol But, there is something that is outside the norm (IMO) when such a high degree of importance is placed on any collection of objects to the point where it supplants other things. I have an aunt who collects dolls and I suppose that most people would consider this harmless ... except her family members whose own personal spaces are being crowded out.

I'm not saying that you are hoarding clothes, just offering an alternative definition for fetish.

[NicoleScott]

3. Psychology - any object or nongenital part of the body that causes a habitual erotic response or fixation.

....there are avid collectors of many items to the point of excess: trains, baseball cards, coins, memorabilia. Are all these collections fetish as well?


No, maybe obsessive-compulsive issues, but not fetish. It's not how many you have, how much you spend, or how often you shop. It's whether or not one of those objects causes an erotic response. If adding to your salt-shaker collection causes sexual arousal, you may have a salt-shaker fetish. If not, you don't.

[Beverley Sims]

Everybody else is analysing the thread here.
I say it is a therapeutic interest.:)

[ReineD]

No, maybe obsessive-compulsive issues, but not fetish. It's not how many you have, how much you spend, or how often you shop. It's whether or not one of those objects causes an erotic response. If adding to your salt-shaker collection causes sexual arousal, you may have a salt-shaker fetish. If not, you don't.

No Nicole ... the #2 definition, not #3, the things that don't cause erotic responses. Also, collecting something is fun. I collect Imari porcelain. I have 6 pieces. lol My SO collects art and she has about 12 paintings. These things appreciate in value over time. Although it's difficult to gage something like this, I'm talking about the excessive collections (or hoarding?) that spill beyond the closets to other closets and other rooms and also that don't appreciate in value, you know, like having 100 pairs of shoes and way more clothes than someone can ever wear yet still buying them. I'm also not talking about someone's walk-in closet that might be full of clothes. A lot of people have large walk-in closets.

[Billye Loves Olga]

I just recently discovered a new-to-me word, one I had never heard or seen before: Androgyny. After taking the BSRI (Bem Sex Role Inventory) I can, without a doubt, say that I am an Androgyne - a person who does not fit neatly into the typical masculine and feminine gender roles of their society. Took me a long time to find a good description of me, but it works. For those who may have never heard of either the term or the BSRI, look it up. Take the test. I did and the results were that I am very strongly masculine and equally very strongly feminine. It's very revealing. However, really enjoying both the masculine and feminine aspects of my personality can cause a lot of mental anguish as well. In any event, it goes a long way in explaining what I have felt for so many years.

[NicoleScott]

OK, Reine, I'll agree with you. But when we talk about fetishes as it relates to crossdressing, you know full well we're not talking about collecting. We're talking about being aroused by crossdressing and/or the objects we wear.

[JasmineD]

There is not one reason that explains for all the men who like to "Dress up". There is singificant number that do it as fetish and there is some literature to support it. But many other dont have fetish portion, reason can be varied ot even unclear, and some as they progress with CDing and in age or stage in life, reason evolves. I dont fault your aunt in believing it is a fetish since you will find plenty of literature if you searh that will support it. I would in your place just let it slide and carry on wiht your life.

[ReineD]

OK, Reine, I'll agree with you. But when we talk about fetishes as it relates to crossdressing, you know full well we're not talking about collecting. We're talking about being aroused by crossdressing and/or the objects we wear.


I agree, the popular definition for a fetish especially here is sexual. I was trying to point out there is a less popular, alternative definition for the same word and probably most people think of this as an obsession.

I see it as having either a sexual or a non-sexual fetish, or for some CDers it is both. Or there is no fetish/obsession for the CDers who dress in order to express who they are and they don't dress for sex nor do they have shopping compulsions nor are they obsessive about their looks.

[Gaby2]

Ok my aunt's bff said that. Even though I tried to tell her it's not but she wont listen. I was wondering if anybody else had this told to them? I tried to tell her I just ;love the clothes but she wouldn't listen. O And a drunk hillbilly said to ''let it go'' I would look better in wrangler jeans and white T-Shirt. I told him sorry the HEE HAW look isn't my style.

P.S I'M new and please to meet you all.
Pleased to meet you too, Rose!

Before emerging from my closet a few years ago, I had always feared that "people" would consider my CDing only a "fetish" that "perverted me" couldn't control, if "people" found out... in other words, I used to be afraid of a very real fetishistic aspect of my CDing and what others might think of it.
Now I know for sure, it's nobody else's business to have an opinion of what I do or don't do in my private life... but I had to come out and talk to a few (g-)friends about my CDing desires and wants in order to realise this... that was my path...

Your Aunt is certainly very important for you and that's the main reason, why her misled and seemingly uninformed opinion smarts.
Give her a little time... and more time... :)

Fetish is only one aspect of CDing - there are many others, like simply loving the cloths, and all are important.

:hugs:Gaby

[Dree Yer Ane Weird]

Used to think it was a fetish for me but then i spent 15 hours playing Skyrim while dressed en femme and thought, Nah. Turns out for me its a way to chill, I'm sure there are others out there who do it for the same reason. Though why I have to wear more clothes to chill than i do in male mode I haven't quite worked out.

[NicoleScott]

I was trying to point out there is a less popular, alternative definition for the same word and probably most people think of this as an obsession.

OK, I can see that the person who said to the OP "it's just a fetish" may have been using the non-sexual definition. I wouldn't think that person is a forum participant.