hard to start the conversation with mom...

[sandra-leigh]

I am visiting my mother; a week already, a bit more than a week to go.

I told my I was transgender a few years ago and she was okay with it then. I also visited her two years ago, at which time she was flustered at my clothing presentation (which was notably more conservative than I wear back home, and didn't include any dresses or skirts in her presence); she asked me then why I couldn't do my gender exploration while I continued to be male. She also saw me a year ago when I visited with my sister, but did not raise the topic at that time.

I have not told her that I have been on hormones for 18+ months. I haven't hinted about that on the phone at all. I didn't even tell my sister until about 10 days ago and my sister is the supportive one. When I saw them last year I'd been on hormones about 5 months.

I expected that my mother would Make A Face when she saw me in the airport, but she didn't. She also hasn't said anything about my bust development (just under an A cup, relative to a 40 band size.) She didn't say anything about my buying more earrings today (that part doesn't seem to bother her.)

She did, this time around, ask an intrusive question about my bathing habits, so I know she's still Mom :heehee: And she thinks I should get my hair cut short (bottom of the ears is her traditional "But you would look so much better!" trigger.)

I don't know why, but I'm having trouble raising the whole trans issue with her, let alone saying that I've been taking hormones. Though at the moment, I'm kinda feeling like "Why bother raising it at all?"

I get along fairly well with my mother, so it isn't that. I just sort of feel like I don't have much to say on the topic.

I don't have much planned with respect to further transition. I've been on hormones for a while. I didn't have all that much body hair to start with and most of it has gone away on the hormones. The laser (2 sessions so far) is doing wonders on taking out the annoying beard / neck hairs that had not already turned white and even the white hair growth has slowed a lot. I will have the sort of time available that I would need to work on voice; I'm not sure yet if I'll do that or not. Name change is still hovering in my mind, but not as much as it was this spring.

With these various things already accomplished, and others feeling somewhat indefinite, I just don't have much to say.

What is new for me? This: that I've started to tell companies that their list of honorifics are not applicable to me, especially not "Mr". And just this evening, I backed out of registering for downloading some technical information because the form asked for gender "male" or "female" (and I'm trying to contact the organization to fix their broken interface.) Still, that frustration isn't one that comes to mind as being worth triggering a discussion with my mother...

:sigh:

And in two days I get to meet with My Friends Back Home, and it's about time to tell them I'm transgender. To get it over with, so I can stop avoiding them. I'm still predicting that one of them is going to be pretty uncomfortable about it; that another will think it is interesting; and that the third will probably drop me without really caring either way (I've become boring to him.)

[Barbara Ella]

Sounds like you already have your mind made up about what to do with your Mom. Sometimes, at a given moment, it is just not worth it to make an educational point where it really wont advance you standing. Kiss your mom, hug her, and let her be. When you are avoiding friends, it is time to clue them in and let the chips fall.

I wish you the best of luck with Mom and friends.

Barbara

[noeleena]

Hi,

My Mom passed away 37 years ago. & my so called father 11 years ago. any ways ,

Some times it can be hard to talk with family , that i know from where i am theres 16 of us , As to others i told them long before any changes would take place so that there would be no surprise's & really it went very well.

Family is of cause a different matter as your too close to much a part of them more so with Mum's what they see & accept is who they gave birth to & regardless what transpires later on you are still the same even if there is some form of accepting ,

Looking at what your saying is of cause youv got to a point of well this is it what more can you say.

(( hey Mom im a woman just you never knew that when i was born.))

You know the way things are going youd be best to talk about every thing else & leave the subject matter alone,

I may be wrong here is your Mom regressing back in to her past & that is whats she is seeing you know some times this happens with those who are older,

I have a friend over in Tas, Austraila whos Mom is like this i spent 6 days with them just gone , the memory starts going as is in this case the short term . so going over things that happened long ago.

I just treated her as Mom. she's so lovely , when i go back over ill see her, as she get's worse ill notise it more,

From your pic i see what she means as to hair, any way just a few thoughts , some times there is no easy way around this,

...noeleena...

[sandra-leigh]

I still haven't decided about telling my mother. For example, if she bugs me again about getting my hair cut, I could get annoyed enough to remind her that this is what is appropriate for me.

My mother is not regressing or living in the past -- but her idea of what is "best for me" isn't the same as mine.

I did get a little surprised. I did not put my panties in the first load of wash she did while I was here, as I didn't want to be to provoke anything. Yesterday, though, she had to do another load for unexpected reasons, and I put my panties in then, as I was running out (and I haven't had an opportunity to go shopping.) The surprise was that she just went ahead and cleaned them without comment at all. (Well, so far.)

Friends... I had dinner with them tonight. One of them stopped by to drive me there; I told him on the way. As I expected it was no problem for him. The other two didn't mention anything at all, including when one of them drove me home and we talked for a bit.

Interestingly (to me), I was once more the catalyst for bring friends together after a long time of not seeing each other, and they will again start seeing each other more often, at least until they drift away again. This is a pattern I identified at least 25 years ago, from even before I "moved away", that I had noticed that somehow I was the one holding our group together. Which feels very strange to me. (There are also connections to larger patterns in my life but the words to explain are not flowing at this time.)

[whowhatwhen]

Did you end up talking to her about it?

[kimdl93]

I haven't a clue whatmyoumshoud do with your mom. I think if it seems important enough you'll find a time an method of expressing what she probably already has guessed.

[sandra-leigh]

I still haven't said anything. I'm right here visiting her, and I live 1000 miles away, so It's My Chance, but it doesn't seem to be happening. The visit is going well enough, not strained. I don't know why I'm not saying anything.

For example I bought a dress yesterday, but showing it to my mother... urk! Yet, in theory I should feel comfortable enough to do that...

[Diane Elizabeth]

I had trouble telling my mother too. I ended up reflecting on my childhood and remeniencing about things and how I felt. When it came time to fess up to the purpose of it all I stumbled and froze. I then went to Plan B. I left my mother a letter on her table to read and went to work. She called and left a msg saying that "we need to talk". After work I stopped over at her place and we talked. She accepted everything I said and even told me that my sisters would be okay with it. That I wasn't getting kicked out or rejected by my family. A couple of days later I was back over at her place and my sisters were there. We hugged and cried a lot over everything. So, I worried myself over it to the point it was killing me for nothing. After that "coming out" to others was so much easier. My son is still struggling with the concept but his SO is working on him.

I can't tell you what works best in your case. But, we are here for you. Good luck.

[Allsteamedup]

Dear Sandra-Leigh,
We seem to have been here for a long time!

It might be a lot easier to help if you could say what your ideal outcome would be.

Your mother may well have an understanding of transgender, but to her generation, not being one thing or the other might be very confusing. Do you have a clear picture of what you are trying to present her with?

If you were a parent yourself you might have a clearer thought as to where any misunderstanding or disappointment might arrive for your mother. As your parent she wants you to be happy, not put yourself needlessly in any danger nor contempt, and to go on living your life successfully. She does not need to be part of discussing your purchases! nor your choices. It would also be helpful if you could show some affection and appreciation of her role during your visit.

If your sister and she have any queries about anything they have noticed during your visit make it plain that everything is open to discussion. And tell them how much you love them before you leave!

Your friends are your friends because you have shared history. Offer them the opportunity to be part of your ongoing life; but if they feel confusion about who you are becoming at least be understanding and give them a clue as to how your friendship might proceed. Playing guessing games with everyone is just not honest.

[Traci Elizabeth]

Sandra, I am somewhat surprised at you posting this thread as you or I are not "spring chickens" anymore or newbies. I would have thought that these kind of issues would have been resolved years ago. It appears that you are perpetuating the same facade making yourself gender neutral this trip as you have in the past.

My experience is that continuing to mask the truth about yourself to family is only delaying the inevitable and will be harder to deal with by family wondering why you put up a facade for so long. You need to address this in a way that works best for you.

What worked best for me was to just let it all out at once and from that point live my life as "I" wanted to, not what others expected me to. Remember the old saying that, "the truth will set you free"? It's true! Trust me on that one. The years of anxiety, fear, and secrecy just instantly stops and your life becomes so much less stressful.

Rise up out of the ashes Sandra and be the Phoenix you were meant to be.

[sandra-leigh]

We argued this afternoon about my depression, "how do you know that the anti-depressant is helping" (which is not something you can be absolutely sure of, as you can't exactly set yourself up with control studies, one copy of you living the life with the meds and one copy of you living without them...) And had I gotten this and that and the other checked... I got kinda defensive and went literal. Eventually the discussion got easier, but I didn't feel I could face up to questions about how I knew that HRT wasn't making my depression worse, etc...

Sigh. And I go home tomorrow, and I haven't managed to say anything about gender this visit...

[tara t]

We argued this afternoon about my depression, "how do you know that the anti-depressant is helping" (which is not something you can be absolutely sure of, as you can't exactly set yourself up with control studies, one copy of you living the life with the meds and one copy of you living without them...) And had I gotten this and that and the other checked... I got kinda defensive and went literal. Eventually the discussion got easier, but I didn't feel I could face up to questions about how I knew that HRT wasn't making my depression worse, etc...

Sigh. And I go home tomorrow, and I haven't managed to say anything about gender this visit...
now sure if i actually have 20 years left but i have been getting a bit of strentht up recently by reading that signature of yours .mainly the first bit . thanks .

[sandra-leigh]

I'm not sure how I did it, but I did manage to start a conversation, and did manage to convey that I had been medically tested and found to be transgender, and managed to at least say that I lived my life "in between" and not as a male.

Of course she raised questions, tried to imply that maybe it was chemical sensitivities instead (they run in our family), that I should be tested for wheat sensitivity... later, wondered what she'd done wrong while she was pregnant... reactions not uncommon, I gather.

I think I got something through, but I don't know quite how much. I at least got through the idea that there was a biochemical basis for this in my case (that idea is easier for her to process than that it "just is", helps reassure her that I'm not just mistaking myself.)

[LeaP]

...

Of course she raised questions, tried to imply that maybe it was chemical sensitivities instead (they run in our family), that I should be tested for wheat sensitivity...

That damn wheat! It turns people into transsexuals!

God, if I had only liked rye growing up! :rofl:

I'm sure it was a heartfelt comment, but you have to admit its pretty funny.

Congratulations for getting it out in the end. Tough stuff.

[Jorja]

Congratulations, you have done the near impossible task of telling her. That has been holding you back. Now she knows and you will not have that hanging over you. Now get on with your life the way you see fit.

[sandra-leigh]

Oh, there's still a lot left yet!

I managed to avoid actually saying "hormones", and when she asked me whether my levels had been tested, I said they were normal (which they were for a biological male when I started HRT.)

I wasn't ready to get as far as to say words like "transition" (even as it applies to me.) Or to discuss possibilities like voice training or name change...

At the moment, I would consider it a success if she realized that I have Good Reason for having long hair.