natacsha
08-11-2012, 01:21 AM
It feels like it's been forever and I have been through sooo much in the past couple months. In some ways, this site and the people on it served as the catalyst for the events in my life that have since past. The confidence I got and the advice from those who are honest and decent gave me the courage I needed to take steps I have only dreamt for years. I guess the fact that I had the house to myself for an entire month (which just ended today, btw) only further my beliefs towards the idea that this is all starting to come together as though it is meant to be. I feel as though I am and have in been in such a state of self examination and discovery of myself, it's almost as though I reach a point of epiphany once sometimes twice in a day. While some of it is comforting to know and I realize more and more who I am, I also find myself in a state of depression as though I am saying goodbye to a part of me I have learned to be for 33 years. But all the while, with the true acceptance of my closest of friends and learning more and more of how being a female comes too naturally for me for even my friends to understand only makes it more comforting knowing that if I do decide to make that jump, I will have the support of those closest to me. My parents may be the deal breaker...if there is one. My Dad just came back from Europe today after nearly a month and my Mom will be back in about 2 weeks. I shaved my body during that month. Something I have been waiting ever so patiently to do. I answer the door in shorts and a tee shirt. Helping him with his luggage, I notice he takes notice to my hairless body. he says nothing. He knows of my dressing for 15+ years, caught me once back then, thought it was over.......and as of the past few months he and my mom have noticed it picking back up.
I'm waiting on my Mom to get back to tell them that there is a lot more to dressing up than what they think. It's eating me up daily and I know my Dad isn't gonna approach me about it willingly even though it's obvious. He can live in denial like that. I cannot. And my Mom probably won't have too big of an issue with me but I'm not certain of that. Knowing and understanding what it truly means and feels to be transgendered is the easiest thing to feel and the hardest thing to understand. But I get it now. This month has really been a time for me to really reflect on what it truly feels like to live as a girl for weeks at a time, going out, sleeping, waking up talking to people, meeting people, it's all too much. I get that the experience is not going to continue like this forever and that it will die down and become "normal" or whatever. That's why I'm not jumping to any rash decisions but to actually know now what I have always wanted to for all those years and not only met but exceeded expectations?? Oh, and I hyped it up for many years always telling myself, "when i get the chance to have a good month to myself, no relationship, no family, nothing. just a month to be myself. the things I always wanted to do during the day but couldn't, exploring being around people, and more? I can only wait for the day/month" Well it came and it did not disappoint.
Overall, the best thing I could've done was come out to myself and share with my friends what they never knew. I opened up by telling them I'm tg and bi. I left it at that and let them absorb it I don't force it on them, don't talk about it unless they inquire but it's ok to let them know that they can ask anything they want. If you force it on some people they will repel...letting them know is shocking enough. After about 2 months, every one of my friends ended up coming up to me at some point or another and began asking questions. It's all in how you tell people. Anderson Cooper was asked about 2 years ago if he was gay. he did not respond to the question. Thus leaving people to assume he was but never truly knowing for sure. But the seed was planted. Just a month ago or so, he came out and said he was gay. I didn't see a single surprised look or shock on anyone's face. Not saying anyone is gay or bi or what not, the point is how you tell people about CDing is as important as the response you may get.
I just wanted to let my friends and everyone know that I wouldn't just leave here without saying goodbye and I'm not leaving so this isn't goodbye. Actually, it's hello. again. but it's different this time. a lot different. I have superhuman powers now. Thanks as always for reading my long posts. :battingeyelashes:
I'm waiting on my Mom to get back to tell them that there is a lot more to dressing up than what they think. It's eating me up daily and I know my Dad isn't gonna approach me about it willingly even though it's obvious. He can live in denial like that. I cannot. And my Mom probably won't have too big of an issue with me but I'm not certain of that. Knowing and understanding what it truly means and feels to be transgendered is the easiest thing to feel and the hardest thing to understand. But I get it now. This month has really been a time for me to really reflect on what it truly feels like to live as a girl for weeks at a time, going out, sleeping, waking up talking to people, meeting people, it's all too much. I get that the experience is not going to continue like this forever and that it will die down and become "normal" or whatever. That's why I'm not jumping to any rash decisions but to actually know now what I have always wanted to for all those years and not only met but exceeded expectations?? Oh, and I hyped it up for many years always telling myself, "when i get the chance to have a good month to myself, no relationship, no family, nothing. just a month to be myself. the things I always wanted to do during the day but couldn't, exploring being around people, and more? I can only wait for the day/month" Well it came and it did not disappoint.
Overall, the best thing I could've done was come out to myself and share with my friends what they never knew. I opened up by telling them I'm tg and bi. I left it at that and let them absorb it I don't force it on them, don't talk about it unless they inquire but it's ok to let them know that they can ask anything they want. If you force it on some people they will repel...letting them know is shocking enough. After about 2 months, every one of my friends ended up coming up to me at some point or another and began asking questions. It's all in how you tell people. Anderson Cooper was asked about 2 years ago if he was gay. he did not respond to the question. Thus leaving people to assume he was but never truly knowing for sure. But the seed was planted. Just a month ago or so, he came out and said he was gay. I didn't see a single surprised look or shock on anyone's face. Not saying anyone is gay or bi or what not, the point is how you tell people about CDing is as important as the response you may get.
I just wanted to let my friends and everyone know that I wouldn't just leave here without saying goodbye and I'm not leaving so this isn't goodbye. Actually, it's hello. again. but it's different this time. a lot different. I have superhuman powers now. Thanks as always for reading my long posts. :battingeyelashes: