Is your wife or SO more comfortable with the term "transgendered"...

[Leslie Langford]

...as opposed to the word "crossdresser"?

I've found that I've been using the term "transgendered" more often lately in relation to myself when this topic comes up in discussions with my wife, and she seems to be more receptive in talking about my crossdressing when this happens. This is not a ploy on my part, as I am truly beginning to see myself as transgendered as opposed to just being a crossdresser, and that my crossdressing is simply a physical manifestation of that. But the bonus has been that my wife seems to be more comfortable in seeing me in those terms.

Probably that is due to the fact that the concept of "crossdressing" still implies a measure of fetishism in many peoples' eyes, although not as much as the term "transvestite" which sounds far more clinical. It may also have to do with the media's current fascination with our community, and it seems that you can hardly turn on the television, tune into a talk show, or open up a newspaper without some article or segment dealing with transgenderism appearing there. Lately, the big topic seems to be transgendered children, and how the more progressive parents of such children are allowing them freely express their emerging gender identities without forcing them into one role or another until they have sorted themselves out.

This increasing visibility of our community and the generally positive reporting on related topics by the media has undoubtedly helped a great deal in how my wife now regards me. She is becoming increasingly open to talking about my crossdressing within this context, and no longer seems to react so negatively towards it.

Are any others here seeing a similar pattern with their wives or SO's who were once adamantly in DADT mode?

[KellyJameson]

I have found personally and with others that referring to yourself as transgendered helps in the understanding that this is who you are and not what you do.

Many people think crossdressing is a choice so than try to stop it but it is the expression of ones own natural energies you were born with so when it is suppressed the person is oppressed or oppressing themselves.(repression)

There are many ways to express this energy but if the person is going to feel alive this emotional energy must be lived or you become/stay sick and each must be given the freedom to experiment with self discovery and the expression of their true self which is only found through experimentation using your life as the object of the experiment.

When it comes down to it, everything is a problem of the sexes oppressing each other to meet there own needs so in essence stealing each others freedom to increase their own and calling it compromise but it is not a compromise if it is coerced, only one person submitting to anothers will.

In some sense all people are transgendered and this is unrealized to the degree they have not allowed the full expression of themselves because of the social expectations they are trying to, or forced to meet for physical and pyschological survival.

Women have more freedom than men in this regards so are more transgendered than men but it is not recognized as such because it is excepted as "normal"

When all people are free to be who they really are (express their natural energies) than the word transgendered will lose its meaning.

For men they lose certain freedoms because of what they give up in their subconscious pursuit of sex so as they age they gain back this lost freedom to than move toward the natural expression of their energies and find the balance that they lost when they moved into adulthood but had in childhood which can be felt as the longing to go back to simpler times.

Sex is an energy that can be in conflict with the natural energy you were born with and places you at war with yourself when it is contradictory to the body you are born into.

In my opinion everyone is transgendered to some degree and crossdressing is an expression of this to the degree you are.

Crossdressing is what you "do" to be who you "are" and to not allow it is a form of oppression.

[Beverley Sims]

The way I have related to people over the years I have felt that I am transgendered.
I err on the side of caution and call myself a cross dresser. I comfortably interact with transgendered people and give them advice from my perspective.
Possibly male mode. Although was on female hormones 20 years ago and went through the mood swings and roundabouts , or was it roller coasters?
I do relate to some of their problems. My wife is still not completely accepting but we have not had an argument based on anything other than tv programs or which route to take to the supermarket. So maybe I stay CD until I get more proof of something in the genes. Or is that Jeans?:)

[Marleena]

Leslie it seems to be that anymore "crossdresser" seems to create a negative image of a person. That's just what I believe kind of like "transvestite" falling out of favor with people. Maybe transgender doesn't seem as intimidating to people because of the LGBT affiliation (just thinking out loud here).

[Barbara Ella]

When I started dressing 11 months ago, i was a crossdresser because i was merely wearing female clothing, and had no idea why. I believe this helped confuse my wife and add to the undertainty of what this meant for the future.

I have since realized, as I learned more about us, and about myself, that it is really transgendered for me. As the wife gradually opens back up, this will be the conversation as to who I am, where I am, and where I might go.

Like Marleena, i am thinking that I am a middle pather. There is more to my female that wants/needs certain things that I cannot give her in my present situation. Was i born a woman in a man's body, no. Do I feel like I have a woman within, very much so.

Barbara

[bridget thronton]

No sure about spouse, but I have become more comfortable in thinking of myself as being transgendered

[BLUE ORCHID]

My wife's not comfortable with any of it.

[Frédérique]

I've found that I've been using the term "transgendered" more often lately in relation to myself when this topic comes up in discussions with my wife, and she seems to be more receptive in talking about my crossdressing when this happens. This is not a ploy on my part, as I am truly beginning to see myself as transgendered as opposed to just being a crossdresser, and that my crossdressing is simply a physical manifestation of that. But the bonus has been that my wife seems to be more comfortable in seeing me in those terms.

I'm not married, nor do I have a SO, but...

IMHO, using the word transgendered, whether or not such usage is justified, neatly deflects attention away from something that REQUIRES attention. This is just another example of how modern language has become bloodless, a technique employed to make “queer” sound less queer. Can any outsider truly understand what transgendered means, or refers to? If it helps to put your wife or SO at ease, I suppose substituting one word for another has some merit, but I think you’re only sweeping your “self” under the rug, and temporarily at that…

By my definition, if you’re truly transgendered you’re on a one-way journey from one gender to the other (look up the prefix “trans-“ if you don’t believe me). Under those circumstances, how can your wife feel BETTER about things? You are implying that you are eventually not going to be male anymore, thus forever changing the dynamic of your heterosexual marriage or relationship – I don’t know about YOU, but if I were your SO I would certainly have cause for concern, making me worry about the future, or where this is all leading. Crossdresser seems benign by comparison….

Transgendered sounds pretty clinical (and scary) to me, but if everyone insists that the chosen term has taken on new meaning in our community, and thus is an accurate description for all crossdressers, who am I to protest? I’d rather just crossdress, thank you. I’m old enough to remember a time when language was not used to cloud important issues and keep them out of sight and out of mind forever. Let’s be accurate and direct, especially with ourselves. IMHO, the word transgender confuses and does not clarify – definitions under our “umbrella” are debated endlessly, which only underlines the inadequacy of our chosen modern terminology...
:straightface:

[Monicamaryjay]

Let me see.....I crossdress in order to express my femininity or "transform" my gender. It doesn't make me a female but it gets me closer to that side of the gender spectrum.

What I end up with is........ a transgendered person....... in my eyes.

I suppose that makes me a "transgenderer".

I think I prefer that term over "crossdressing" which does not indicate any reason for the behaviour.

[Davena Doll]

I do not talk to my wife to often about this stuff, she does not like it for the most part. I dont think the word transgendered would make a diff. I know what word she does not like and that is *******. I told her I was going to get a boob job and be a *******. She said she would devorse me if I did. So now Im just stuck being a run of the mill crossdresser, darn.

[Michelle (Oz)]

I'm also in the category of don't talk about the [crossdressing, transgender, or anything like it]. I think about myself as transgendered.

[noeleena]

Hi,

None of the above ,Jos accepts im intersexed, so no issues , we'v been down that road of what happened what changed. why. . for me to Jos its what we doing or where we going , shoping & seeing our daughter & her 4 kids, & may meet with friends while shoping,

& kaylyn & hers gave me a lovely made really neat in a leather pattern chest it will sit on the bedroom suit of draws for my jewery & rings & what nots, Jos of cause its choc'es so yes the birthday gift,'s & of cause we had a nice day together,

...noeleena...

[RachelPortugal]

My wife is happy with the terms crossdresser or transvestite as they describe what I do. She does not really like the term "transgendered" because, much the same as Frederique has stated, it implies transition, a route which I have assured her is one that I do not intend to go along.

[linda allen]

Is your wife or SO more comfortable with the term "transgendered"...
...as opposed to the word "crossdresser"?

I don't believe they are the same thing. To me, a "crossdresser" is an otherwise normal person who enjoys wearing clothes and accessories intended for the other gender. Usually, this is a male dressing as a female.

"Transgendered" implies that the person actually feels he (or she) was born in the wrong body for his or her mind and would change genders if possible.

While I think it would be great to experience being a female for a couple of weeks, if I rubbed a bottle and a Genie popped out and offered to permanently turn me into a female, I would decline.

I identify as a "crossdresser". When the subject comes up between me and my wife, it's "crossdresser".

[Cheryl T]

I don't know what "term" she's more comfortable with. We never discussed it and she just calls me Cheryl.

[linda allen]

I don't know what "term" she's more comfortable with. We never discussed it and she just calls me Cheryl.

I'm trying to get my wife to call me by a female version of my male name (not Linda). I'm not going to ask her to, I want it to come from her. I have mentioned that "X"'s closet was getting pretty full but so far she either didn't pick up on it or is uncomfortable with it. I'll wait.

[Beverley Sims]

I'm trying to get my wife to call me by a female version of my male name (not Linda). I'm not going to ask her to, I want it to come from her. I have mentioned that "X"'s closet was getting pretty full but so far she either didn't pick up on it or is uncomfortable with it. I'll wait.

Good way to go Linda, I would even mention "X"'s closet even less. She may have picked up on it and is playing the waiting game too.
Just keep doing what you do and push the boundaries ever so slightly.:)

[kimdl93]

Yes, my wife does seem to prefer the term "transgendered". I suppose, as you say, it carries less baggage associated with other terms and in a sense describes the inner forces and identity that motivate dressing.

[Tina B.]

Funny, I used to call myself a transvestite, but that carried a lot of baggage, so I became a crossdresser, now I find out that has now become less desirable to be called than to call myself transgendered. No matter what we call ourselves, someone is going to change it, into a negative.
As far as Transgendered being the same as someone that was born in the wrong body, no, I don't think so, that's a Transsexual. Trans is not to change, but means to cross, as in trans continental railroad, and things like that. When you transgress, you cross that line, you don't change it.
As I see it, if you are dressing for fun, because you just like doing it, maybe your are just a crossdresser, but if you are compelled to dress, and can't not dress even if you don 't want to change genders, you are transgendered. Why else would you be driven to it to the point of suffering depression, and everything else that pushes us to dress? So you can call me a crossdresser, or a transvestite, or just Transgendered, I'm all of those things, and it's still just a small part of who and what I am, so it's not important what you call it. Oh, and to the question, of the day, wife has no more interest in it now that I call myself transgendered, than when I used either of the other two names. But then my clothes never have bothered her anyway.
Tina B.

[heatherdress]

My wife does not use labels or names. She encourages and supports me CDing, enjoys her other female friend. She actually started the experience for me by prompting me to buy a pair of high heels when she realized I liked her to wear hers. Communications between us is what is important, not labels.

[Stephanie47]

Amen, call it whatever you want, it ain't going to convince wives. Transvestite or cross dresser seems to infer wearing women's clothing. That's weird enough for most women. Transgender seems to infer crossing over from male to female. "Trans" is a prefix for 'across.' Does multi gender work? Heck, I don't know what to call it. If you can converse with your wife about your desires, just state what you feel. The problem with a label is there is no true definition.

If my desire to wear women's clothing was restricted to nylon feminine panties, pink with little bows, I'd tell her I had a "fetish." I would tell her I was a cross dresser or transgendered. I would tell her I like the feel of women's nylon panties. The same with stockings. Why confuse her with the entire spectrum associated with cross dressing. Compare that with most of us, including me. Explaining a desire to wear a bra with fake boobs, panties, garter girdle, hosiery and high heels, a slip, a nice dress, wig and makeup is not going to be simple. Will it make everything more palatable if you call it 'transgendered?"

As far as the general public without any association with a man who likes to wear women's clothing? Well, what would you think if you were not a cross dresser?



My wife's not comfortable with any of it.

[StarrOfDelite]

I don't currently have a wife, three Ex'es should count for something tho, and have no plans for a fourth. However, I think that any cache' which the term Crossdressers had as compared to Transgenders or Transvestites disappeared in 1993 when the famous scene from Hotshots Part Deux hit the big screen.

Iraqi boat captain: "Crossdressers! Kill them all!"

Just my personal idiosyncacy, but I have to admit that I wince a bit when someone calls me a transsexual, which seems to me should be reserved for people thinking SRS.

[JamieG]

I use both the terms crossdresser and transgendered to describe myself. My wife does not have problems with either term, but once asked me if "tranny" was offensive (I told her it depends on who is saying it and how they say it). When she told her sister about me, she used the term "transgendered," and her sister got all shocked until my wife explained the difference between transgendered and transexual. After that, my sister-in-law was cool with it (note, I don't think she has a problem with transexuals per se, but she was worried what it would mean to her sister's marriage if I changed my sex).

[LilSissyStevie]

I tell her it's "just a fetish." She says, "Whatever it takes to get you interested!"

[DonnaT]

My wife seems to use transgender more than crossdresser. So I'd say yes to the question.

[Ally 2112]

I am also single but when i was married we referred to it as crossdressing or dressing up .In the end she really did not like either term .Also if i would of referred to the term transgendered or transsexual my marraige would of been over waaaaaay before it actually ended

[JeanneF]

Both my wife and I use the term transgender. I personally don't like the term "crossdresser"...to me it just conjures up images of a hairy middle-aged guy prancing around in his wife's nightie. I like the fact that it's a more clinical term, it helps with the stance that this is something with how I am wired and that I didn't choose that I like to wear dresses.

[NicoleScott]

"Transgendered" implies that the person actually feels he (or she) was born in the wrong body for his or her mind and would change genders if possible.

This sounds more like a transsexual. Look at Reine's sticky thread for definitions.

Frederique, "trans" doesn't indicate a one-way journey. It can mean cross (trans-atlantic), beyond (transcend) or change (transform). A transistor switches the flow of current back and forth, not just one way.

I can't help but notice how many members want to get away from "crossdresser" because it implies getting a sexual charge from dressing. So it's OK to wear women's clothes as long as people think it's for the "right" reason.

[Diana L]

I feel that transgendered is an umbrella term that includes crossdressers as well as transsexuals. We are just at different points on the spectrum. Personally I prefere the term used in Australia , gender diverse.

Diana

[Leslie Langford]

Thank you, ladies, for all those well-thought-out responses to my original post, and it was nice to see that so many of you share my own perception on this issue as well.

I guess my epiphany that I was more than "just" a crossdresser came when I stopped dressing privately and began to venture out into the real world as "Leslie" about 5 years ago. I discovered that I loved blending in, being treated like a real woman by others even when read, having women spontaneously engage me in conversations or complimenting me on my outfits, and having SA's practically drag (no pun intended ;)) me into fitting rooms as soon as they saw me pick out some clothes while browsing the racks of their stores. And don't even get me started on the "rush" of my first makeover by a GG make up artist and now friend (the first of many now), my first manicure, my first lingerie purchase en femme, my first wig fitting etc., etc....

No, I am quite content to remain a man physically and live as one for the most part, but there is such a pronounced feminine side to my being that I feel it cannot be described otherwise now except by the term "transgendered". The term "crossdresser" in itself just seems so inadequate at this point to explain who/what I really am.