Wife considering who to tell

[Sarah Doepner]

This was totally out of the blue. The other da my wife started a conversation on who in the family she would consider telling about my crossdressing. It was a list of those who she believed would be most understanding and supportive. She didn't say it needed to be done or that she was planning to do it, but understands that some day it may be the right thing to do.

To say the least, I was surprised. I'm also kind of pleased she is thinking along these lines because I agree with her that we may do it one of these days. I'm not pushing for it and it actually makes me a little nervous right now. I think it's still a secret, but my adult children have the run of the house when we are away and it may be common knowledge by now, I just don't know. It would make some parts of life simpler but I'm sure there will be unexpected consequences as well. But that's life, isn't it?

[katie_barns]

Who to tell is always a good question. My wife doesn't want anyone to know. So I respect her wishes. Even if she did want others to know. I feel it is my secret to tell not hers. Something you might want to keep in mind. Just saying.

[kimdl93]

I think its really a constructive conversation. At some point - if your kids don't know already - they may stumble upon the reality of your cross dressing. Same with friends. Its probably better that the new come out in a controlled and well-thought out manner, rahter than by accident.

[~Joanne~]

The question I have is, is it right for her to be deciding if it is told or not? I understand that there is communication between the two of you, which is absolutely GREAT, but in the end shouldn't the choice be yours? Maybe agreed upon by BOTH of you? From what I have read here, your a bit unsure about it and a lot more thought and talk needs to take place even though this isn't happening today. JMO

[NicoleScott]

I would think that it is your decision to make, not hers alone. Better yet, a joint decision.
But once you tell, you no longer control who knows. The cat's out of the bag.
But if you're ready for this, throw caution to the wind.

[Beverley Sims]

It would eventually be a well considered joint choice, but it needs your approval.
Consider it is something your wife knows in confidence.

[Alice B]

Since all of our family knows I'm not sure it would be an issue. I'm sure she has told a few of her friends, but don't know which ones. I'm sure it is no one she works with and I've seen no difference when around some of her very close friends. Thus I don't worry about it.

[Eryn]

As long as nobody gets told until you _both_ agree that they should be told, everything is fine!

I certainly wouldn't take the step of telling anyone without my wife on board! She will be affected by the fallout just as much as I am.

[docrobbysherry]

I haven't met your wife, Sarah. But, I ALREADY LIKE HER!

[Sara Jessica]

Sarah, you seem so at ease with yourself that I'd assume the entire world knew. Regardless, it's a decision to be made together and I'm sure she has given it a lot of thought.

[StephanieJ]

My wife recently "outed" me to several mutual friends without my consent. Everyone she told was surprisingly accepting, but I was majorly embarrassed and hurt that she would do that without even talking to me first.

On her side of the story, she claims that she needed support in her struggle to find acceptance, thus it was her right to talk to whoever she wanted about that.

Even though I was hurt by her actions, I can certainly see both sides. My advice would be to have an open conversation early on and make a list of people that that might be safe to talk to.

[Eryn]

Even though I was hurt by her actions, I can certainly see both sides. My advice would be to have an open conversation early on and make a list of people that that might be safe to talk to.

Good advice, Stephanie.

Your wife definitely overstepped the bounds. Yes, she might have needed to talk to someone, but that doesn't preclude talking to you first.

[lingerieLiz]

My wife told her friends which are ours. I couple may have told their husbands, but we all have remained friends.

[Rachel Morley]

She didn't say it needed to be done or that she was planning to do it, but understands that some day it may be the right thing to do.


I'm not pushing for it and it actually makes me a little nervous right now. ..... It would make some parts of life simpler but I'm sure there will be unexpected consequences as well. But that's life, isn't it?
This is very similar to how it was for me. My wife initially kept it to just between us, but after a little while she was wanting to tell her non-trans aware BFF, her sister, and her son. This did make me nervous at first because you never know who the people she tells, will in turn tell. There may be consequences down the line (or so I thought) .. but happily in my case my step son is totally cool with it, he told his buddies (without asking me) yet they are ok with it, or that's to say when they come over to our house they don't treat me any differently. My wife's sister was excited about it! .. when she found out and wanted to see me dressed. My point is, I think it's normal for some wives to want to share important news with people they care about. It's not all bad and in fact it can be quite good, for example there is no more "cloak and dagger stuff" going on in our house anymore and we no longer have to sneek in and out when we want to go out.

[a1stephie]

This is a really interesting topic, one I've been mulling over myself of late. A while ago I started a thread on when/how/if to tell kids if you have them. One thing that came out of it was something that has stuck with me now and I think it applies the same if you tell your own kids or close friends - basically, once it's out, it's out. You cannot seriously expect anyone to keep a secret that juicy, that gossip/OMG worthy amongst anyone really. I have considered this - if my wife was to tell any of our friends, with my consent or otherwise, I could not expect them to keep it a secret. Not that I think she would do it without my consent other than by pure accident, but you can guarantee, it will come out.

I'm with Rachel Morley on it - wives do need to talk, to sound off about things like this with trusted friends. While I am not 100% ready to be outed, I think I would be alright with it if my wife had the need, or already told, one of her close friends. As Rachel said, you can be less cloak and dagger, and as time goes on I am getting more and more tired of this charade.

Sarah, I hope that it works out well for you if the time does indeed come for her to tell someone. If you are OK with this, there are a lot of positives as well as some flak damage, that will come with it.

[bridget thronton]

Your decisions who to tell and when (I suspect your adult children might need to be first)

[Missy]

could be worst
plan a family reunion and have you show up as your fem self with forms and skirt or dress then all family would know
just a thought of what could be
LOL

[Sarah Doepner]

Thanks for all the comments. My wife has been the one with the most concerns about sharing this. I think the main reason is because her very elderly parents like me so much and she wouldn't want them to ever not feel that way. She also recognizes that it's a big part of who I am and that I need to nurture it a little more than I can with all the secrecy. While she isn't ready to share right now, I feel comfortable with the list she built. She has been listening to them talk and reading their facebook posts and doing her intelligence gathering. Along with her due dilligence it seems that she is looking at this as a team effort where both of us have to agree and have veto power, and I can't ask for more than that.

I figured it would probably never happen, intentionally and her comments kind of surprised me. It's probably going to take me a little time to wrap my head around the possibility of actually doing something that I've said I wanted to do. Eventually I'll have to walk the walk (backwards and in heels?), not just talk the talk. Always new and interesting challenges in this life aren't there?

[Stephanie47]

I think you said it plainly in your opening post, "I'm sure there would be unexpected consequences." Maybe, you and your wife need to create a list of the positive and negative consequences of your revelation.

[JeanneF]

When I first disclosed everything to my wife (she was just my girlfriend at the time), she absolutely needed to talk about it with someone. She didn't want to tell anyone in her family, but with my permission she told two of her best friends; one female and one gay male. For her, it was extremely important to have someone that she could confide the issue with so that she could come to terms with things and make sure that she was making the right choice to continue the relationship.

Recently she disclosed to me that my willingness to let her talk about it with her friends was a major part of her being able to come to terms. To her, it meant that I wasn't ashamed of who I am. That made her more willing to look at it objectively. If I would have been terrified of the risk of people knowing my "big, bad secret", then she would have been more likely to look at it in a negative light.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Sarah, That's an interesting question to think about.

[BRANDYJ]

My SO has told a very select few friends. She is a very private person just as I am. Well, OK, I'm not as private as she is. But the question of who to tell has never come up between us.
However, if she felt a need or desire to tell someone, I'd trust her judgement completely. I know she would have had a good reason to tell or she wouldn't tell.

[wanagione]

My wife doesn't want me to tell anyone and then one day she calls me and tells me to text over some of my pictures because she told a friend of hers. I was floored. I thought it was ok, and it is, but I also though that it is my story to tell. I went and spoke to her friend a couple of days later. We had a great conversation and she even gave me some of her clothes.

[May(be)]

This thread is relevant to my current situation. My wife needs someone to talk to about my crossdressing in order to cope, which I understand, and she brought up that she would like to make her brother her confidant. We are telling her brother this weekend. He is straight and puts forward a macho facade, but we know he is actually very sensitive. He does theater and grew up with two older sisters. Since going to college and becoming an adult, however, he has tried relating to me by telling me about his "weight lifting and beer and fraternities and beer and lacrosse and beer and abercrombie and fitch and beer! YEAH! HIGH FIVE!!". I humor him, but I know it is only a facade. I think he only does this because I am typically reserved and quiet and he doesn't know, really, how to relate to me so he assumes I am the strong, silent type of dude. Not so much. I just spend so much time in my head thinking about my gender confusion.

Hopefully telling him will help her and will also help my relationship with him. Hopefully it will help him as well, because he hasn't always been a macho jerk. This is only a recent development and is clearly a cover up for some deep crisis about what it means to be a man in today's society. I hope this expands his world.