newbie needs advice

[Amy Fakley]

I joined this site something like 3 weeks ago, and these three weeks have brought the sharpest focus imaginable to bear on things hidden beneath my surface for a lifetime.

Helped along by some unfortunate health issues that also brought a different sort of clarity, I sort of came to terms with myself around a year ago ... in as much as a lightbulb went off and I realized "holy crap ... I didn't invent this, and I'm not just doing it for kicks ... I'm a closeted CD (and actually maybe even TS), and I've been in denial my entire life". In that moment, it felt like such a relief: that I'd finally gotten some clarity on this fuzzy, persistent, hidden corner of my mind that's been with me since forever.

Knowing I'm not the only one, I decided to start coming out online ... to dip my toe into this world and see if I fit in.

93 posts later ... damn, did I ever.

It's been so exhilarating to meet so many wonderful, accepting people who get this. I've also learned so much about what's likely ahead ... coming out to my wife, trying to keep my family together, trying not to mess up my daughter's heads in the process ... friends knowing, neighbors finding out, getting outed at work ... the list is endless.

It's like one of those moments watching a storm front roll in off the horizon. I know that sh*t's coming ... there's no way I'll be able to hide this forever and there's no way I can give it up (if I could have stopped, I'm sure one of my previous eleventybillion attempts at walking away would have worked).

Sooner or later that storm's going to hit ... Ladies, I just ... gawd ... I don't even know where to go from here. I'm kinda scared, and I have no idea what do to about it.

I know I can't be the first n00b around here who's got stressed and had feelings like this.

What did you guys do? Offhand, I imagine I should find a councilor or therapist, but ... where I live that's like literally a stone's throw from talking to a pastor ... I cannot believe I would find an accepting ear in this town ... though I can drive ... but I have no idea where to even begin finding someone like that.

Any suggestions on "disaster preparedness" as it were ... I know this stuff is coming, and I want to be able to do it right when the time comes.

[Amy R Lynn]

Wow, it does sound like you have come a long way. It sounds like most of the people that matter to you already know. What else could be coming? From the sounds of it, you have most of the hardest parts out of the way. Coming out is a big step.

I'm about as new as you to all of this. However, I found a therapist right when this urge ramped up and I couldn't ignore it. I wanted to make sure that I didn't loose my head in all of this. So I most certainly understand your anxiety. I recomend talking to that counselor, or therapist. Even if you can only do it over the phone. That is better than nothing, and could help give you some guidance to avert any pending disasters.

[Amy Fakley]

Wow, it does sound like you have come a long way. It sounds like most of the people that matter to you already know. What else could be coming? From the sounds of it, you have most of the hardest parts out of the way. Coming out is a big step.

I feel that I may have somehow given you the wrong impression (LOL) ... [-]most[/-] all of the people that matter to me in my life (with the exception of you wonderful ladies) don't know.

it's the coming out to them and everything else that's keeping me up at this hour tonight :-)

[Barbara Ella]

M, you have come a very long in a very short time. that particular combination definitely makes the impending storm seem much closer and impending than it is. Oh, it is there, and it is coming, but you need to relax and take a few deep breaths, and take some time to figure out where you are right now, without doing anything more. More than anything, this will help relieve the internal stress you are building within yourself. You are right to have the feelings, but the feeling that something needs to be done right away dont need to be uppermost in your mind.

Until you find out exactly who and where you are right now, the future cannot be planned. You need to make sure you are familiar with the skin you are in. Keep on dressing, just dont add pressure about doing new things. Get totally into who you are make sure you are comfortable, then begin to think about what could develop. Don't jump ahead of yourself.

Keep an open mind for a therapist, even if it means traveling a bit every so often

Barbara

[Amy R Lynn]

Whoops, yeah I did read that wrong. Now this makes complete sense to me. Yeah, the coming out part is a battle! First off slow down sister! I have come out to a couple people. A really good GG friend, a TS friend who I have known my whole life, and my GF. That's it (excluding you all, and my therapist). I came out to them because I knew they would benefit me(Amy). You have to ask yourself, why do you need them to know. If you are going the transition route, then that would be one thing to consider. You won't be able to hide that. If you are in the CD club house then I would think you have no need to tell the world. This is another thing that a therapist could help guide you on.

As for the rest, take it one step at a time. I highly recomend a therapist. Better sooner than later.

And of course this wonderful group of ladies are always here to help you!

Not sure if this is the answer you are looking for, but its the best I can give ya. I hope you find peace with yourself.

[Davena Doll]

Wooooooe mfakley. cool your jets. 93 post in three weeks that might be a reckard. as for "disaster prepareddness" just buy more heels you will be good.

[Ann Thomas]

Yeah take it slowly, because you really don't know yet where your body is leading you (like you said). Honestly, I was in a small town, nowhere to turn to, just had to fumble around on my own. Maybe that's why it took me sooooo long?

Ann

[Dana7]

You know, M, it sounds to me like you're really just wanting to unload your feelings, those feelings that have been pent up for a long time inside of you and those thoughts you have played out in your little closet are just dying to be spilled out to an understanding soul. That would explain the 93 posts you've made in the short time you've been on this site. But you have wisely realized that your true relationships go deeper than the online friends you have shared with and you are searching for validation of unconditional love and acceptance that comes from a 3D, face to face encounter with a human being.

Those kinds of relationships, unlike the online, more safe and anonymous ones, require one thing, because they are truly personal. That is RISK. You have to use your judgment to decide when and where to risk coming out to a person, in the hope of finding that unconditional love and acceptance from a real person who really knows you. And when you find that love and acceptance, you will find a great relief from these pent-up desires for sharing your secret inner thoughts and feelings. But, on the other hand, with a real, face-to-face encounter with a person who really knows you, you also risk rejection. That is a very real possibility. Judgmental attitudes abound and so this is my advice:

Test the waters. Go to someone you can see is fairly accepting of people's faults. You can tell by the way they talk about other people. If they are critical of others, they will be critical of you. But if they are accepting and caring, then it is likely that this is the way they will treat you.

Ultimately, I would agree with the other comments on this thread; go slowly. Be careful about who you "spill the beans" with. Once spilled, they cannot be bottled up again...so to speak.

[Eryn]

You're walking pretty much the same path that I followed. I was lucky that I has my spouse to support me along the way.

Like others have said, once told, your secret cannot be untold. Despite the fact that I am fairly well protected in California I still have chosen not to tell my drab mode friends. There are plenty of things that I can do and friends that I can visit some distance away from my home. There is really no need for my drab mode friends to know about Eryn as long as I maintain this separation.

[heatherdress]

Slow down. Think. Enjoy. Continue to do all the things in lifw that make you - you. Grow. Experiment. Learn. But keep a balance in your life. You may not ever tell anyone your secrets. It might be more fun. Easier. But think things out first. Make this a fun self-discovery. Enjoy the adventure. Maybe you need a therapist. If you get all stressed or develop relationship problems because you are telling all your family and friends things which might be confusing to them - then you ill definately ned a therapist. But for now, use this forum, slow down, have fun and live each day the best you can.

[katie_barns]

Along with everyone else I say "slow down". Bad decision are made when you do them in a rush. One thing you will hear over and over on this site. 'Once you tell someone you can't take it back.' and sometimes they will tell others.
A therapist can help but if that's not possible, sometimes one person you trust can be an amazing relief. Right now it sounds like you are just overwhelmed with the emotions of it all. Give it time that will subside.


I was outed at work a few years back and it was actually no big deal. There was a couple asses but most that even mentioned it to me were supporive or concerned about how I was dealing with being outed. Go figure. So as far as disaster preparedness. I don't think you really need to worry about that. Just take it one day at a time.

[Danielle Gee]

I agree with almost all of the advice given above. But it's also smart to remember that ones spouse finding out is not always a disaster. Speaking for myself, my marriage has become better and stronger in every way since I spilled the beans.

One thing for sure is women hate to be lied to! So play it cool for a bit if you need time to get it together, but don't wait too long or you're just gonna make it worse.

Anyway I wiish ya good luck with your wife

Damielle

[kimdl93]

As you've anticipated, the way to deal with an impending storm is to take steps beforehand. If I were you, I would take some time to get a better handle on your own feelings, your gender identity. You mention possibly being TS. While its possible, TS represents a pretty bright line on the gender spectrum - are you genuinely unhappy in your male body? Do you NEED to live as a woman? Or is life tolerable for you as it is. If really believe you're on the TS side of the line, you definately need to seek professional counseling from someone experienced in dealing with gender ID issues. (...please check the Definitions section at the beginning of the MtF forum to see what seems to fit for you. )

Once you have some clarity on who you are, its time to talk with your wife. I think its a bad idea to start before you've got a handle on it because you might raise some major questions you're unable to answer. But start thinking about the kinds of things she'll want to know and be prepared to answer.

[Amy Fakley]

Thanks for the advice everyone.
After making that post, got some sleep and feel a thousand times better about things this morning.

Before joining this site, I had a very limited view of "this thing of ours" (lol that sounds so gangster). I'd been in the closet forever, and I had complete control ... operational security if you will. As long as I followed my self-imposed bat-man style secrecy protocols it was literally a matter of "what could possibly go wrong?" In that context, I'd managed to find a level of self-acceptance ... I was relaxed, cool with myself, and at least I didn't worry that I was a f-d up mess, or beat myself up about it anymore. I'm sure you ladies can relate :)

Sharing here, I had to sort of weaken that boundary between my closet and the world at large, so I could leak a little bit of myself out .... and it felt wonderful, but it also widened my perspective. Though I've been reading the public portion of the site for years, I guess a lot of the heavy stuff never makes it out of the private forums (for good reason). "What can possibly go wrong" went from an abstract, undefined concept to "oh crap! these are the 50 thousand ways is CAN and HAS gone wrong for people who ARE walking in your (fabulous) shoes".

I think my original post crystallized around that moment of realization ... it can all go wrong, and really it's only a matter of time.

I'm definitely going to be taking it slow.

Though I've managed to find peace within myself ... I literally have no idea how to explain this. Am I TS, or just a CD? Damn, I really don't know ... sometimes it feels like CD is all it is, and some days it feels like I'm just dancing around the edge, trying to deny the inevitable ... that eventually I will feel the need to transition. It's a dark road with no streetlights to me at this point.

I don't know where this is going and I for sure don't know how to explain it to someone else. I'm definitely not going to spill the beans to anyone until I get some of this worked out ... so yeah ... "find a therapist" is number one on my to-do list.

thank you everyone for your words of wisdom. they have not fallen on deaf ears :)

[Tracii G]

Slow down take your time with this.

[Beverley Sims]

Looking at your profile it looks like you have been doing it forever.
When you start posting here you can get on the slippery slope and advance in three weeks more than the previous three months.
Everybody has said take it slowly and now you are at the stage where you may venture out, tell someone you know and it will not be long before you take another tiny step in the CD world you live in. Read what others are doing, filter the advice offered and use the best of it to suit your situation.
A counselor, a therapist do cost money and if you think your mind is a bit skewed they can be of help.
Small town situations don't help either as gossip runs rampant on occasions.
I am wary if going the religious way, (pastor) as they may already have preconceived ideas about things that seem sexual in nature.
Leave them to marriage counseling a job they are trained for usually.
Don't scan the weather reports looking for the storm, if you do it right it may never come.:)