I want to "come out"

[susancheerleader]

After five year or so, of cross dressing, and trying to hide it from everyone, I want to "come out" officially to someone.
I am sick of becoming terrified whenever I hear a car that sounds like it is coming up to my driveway. I am sick of wearing long pants in public to hide my shaved legs. I am sick of running to hide anything when I know company is coming to my house.
Although I have been caught and sited by my neighbors (They never say anything to me about it, but I heard one neighbor comment to his father about me wearing a dress and his father said "maybe he is gay." None the less, we still get along well enough.) Other then them, no one else really (officially) knows I like to dress.
So, to those who have come out to their family members. How did you go about it? How did they react? If it was positive, do you feel comfortable dressing wehn they come around? If it was negative, has it effected your relationship with them?
My mom and sisters are all I have. I would hate to ruin my relationships with them all over this.

[Nikki A.]

I still haven't told my family after all these years. However I have come out to some friends and joined groups that help me explore this side of me. It is a tough call but you know your family best and use your judgement. Just remember what is let out of the bag can't be put in again.

[~Joanne~]

Just remember what is let out of the bag can't be put in again.

This is solid advice right here. I would give it a lot of really deep thought first. You know your family and friends better than we would so only you would have an idea on how they may or may not react.

[susancheerleader]

That is a solid point!
I think my good friends "might" take it okay. It may creep them out a little, but they will be okay. I think a couple suspect it any way.
My mother, I am not sure of. But I lean to her no doing well if I told her.
One of my sisters will be okay with it.
The other, may have a problem with it.
My father. No way.

[Erina]

I told my sister on the first august.
I wanted her to see me in a slight different more true light.
Before I told her I asked my therapist. My still greatest fear is to appear weird or to be feared. It sure would have hurt if she had given me a look as if I wasn't sain. His response was that if she was such a smart and open minded person as I described her, she wouldn't give any bad response. He told me that knowing this fact would change the way she saw me. It hasn't affected our relation in any significant ways at all so far, I don't want her to get too involved it's just nice knowing that she knows so that I don't feel so alone knowing. Our relation is so far exactly as it always been. She know me better than enybody else, this just add an detail.
I told her when we were out jogging, she wanted to know how I felt. I was given a chance to try explain and to make her understand, that I am grateful of.
Understandable that your neighbors think that you are gay. There is alot of predicted sentences. The best way to make someone understand might be to explain.

Just one experience. Think that if your friends is open minded and knows you, you will be alright. But I know that a great level of honesty in a badly chosen moment can make people uncomfortable. You really don't need to make a huge deal of it if you tell them

[Missy]

most of my family knows and they just go on like it is an every day thing
when they come over to our house I do not hide anything
when I go out with my wife i do tone it down a lot
some of the family members have bought me stuff
or gone shopping with me

[kimdl93]

It seems to me you have a relatively easy task at hand. Some of neighbors are already aware that you CD and it doesn't matter if they speculate about your sexuality, since you get along well enough. You know your family as better than anyone. . Am I correct in assuming that you live with your mother and sisters? Its possible that they may have any inklings about you already. Mothers usually know and sisters can be pretty perceptive too.

I came out first to my younger sister many years ago. She was totally supportive even if she didn't at the time fully understand (neither did I). And my mom knew but really didn't feel the need to comment on it. I told my GF when we started getting serious and after asking the usual questions she became a solid and accepting supporter. And more recently, I came out to my youngest stepdaugher (in her early 20s) she was very cool with it, has seen me dressed a number of times and even introduced me to one of her male friends.

I wouldnt assume that youll harm relationships. Think about who they are, their attitudes towards others and most importantly, their attitudes about you. Then, approach one or more of them and begin the conversation (not while dressed). Be honest, open and always considerate. My guess is that you'll have an even stronger bond with them afterward.

[Stephanie47]

Once the Genie is out of the lamp, you cannot put her back. If you are seeking a way for self expression and to satisfy a need to feel free, there are alternatives. Is it really necessary to reveal yourself to very close friends and relative, you may act negatively-forever? Is it necessary to lose friendships? What will the effect be on your employment?

I can understand the fear of being dressed when someone comes calling. I can understand the reluctance of subjecting yourself to public scorn and ridicule.

Maybe, there are alternatives. Is it possible to find a support group? Or a social group with similar interests? In Maine? In Boston? Venturing out at Halloween totally en femme out of town?

Sometimes our expectations exceed the actual event. Sometimes testing the waters with a toe is better than jumping in the pool.

[Kelli Ca]

That's the big question and one that needs to be thought through, if you really have your heart set on doing it I would do it slowly, only you know how mom and sis will react what are their feelings on similar issues? Are there indicators they are against it? Are you closer to one of your fam membere then any others? Small steps take it easy you'll be fine. Good luck keep us posted

[Lorileah]

Just some considerations:
First are you ashamed of who you are? If yes then you have get over that before you tell anyone. Because some one will try and make you less than you are. If you are ashamed that will be easy and you will run and hida again.

Next, what is worse; living a lie, running and hiding every time the bell rings, keeping your opinion to yourself when someone puts another person down because they are different because YOU are different and you don't want to be put down. Or taking the risk that people will actually support you. In truth most the time nothing will change from your friends and family.

Then you have to consider, why would your family not support you? Were you raised in a family where they put others down? Where they considered themselves superior to others in some way? Where they didn't live the credo that the whole world is one big family and you should accept others for what they are not what they can do for you.

Would people who love you not love you anymore just because you wear clothing that is different? Then they really don't love you, they love what you present.

Can you live the rest of your life worried and scared?

Tell who you can tell, those who you can trust and those who love you for who you are. Your life has a finite time. Regrets are hard. Don't regret what you have done, it makes you who you are. Regret that which you didn't do because it may have changed the world. Those who care about you matter, those that matter won't care.

[Tracii G]

I have two adult daughters and I don't plan on telling them.
Some close friends know and that is as far as I want to take it.
I understand the feeling of having to tell your secret but think about it would it really help you?
Join a Trans support group they will understand and help you deal with it.

[Persephone]

You are the only one who knows your own family and who has observed their reactions in other circumstances; how they have accepted other challenges to their original ideas, etc. So only you can really assess their probable reactions.

But you did ask how some of us did it.

I am an out-and-about crossdressers. At this point in my life, more people probably know about me than don't. The freedom it has offered has changed my life. Lorileah expressed it very well -- no more living a lie, running and hiding.

I told my spouse before we were married. I told my son when he was about 12 years old.

Most of our relatives live out of town and aren't very likely to run into me so we haven't told many of them.

As my life began to unfold a few years ago we began to tell our friends. Our general proceedure was to invite each couple out to dinner individually and to tell them. We may have lost one "friend" and created a bit of distance with one couple (we still get together but it seems less often although they have some valid other reasons for that). Otherwise our friends have stuck by us. Many have no particular desire to see me en femme, but we explained to them that we were giving them a "heads up" because we didn't want them surprised by potential gossip nor by running into me at a restaurant or religious services or some other venue.

When we started to do that our son, who lives out of town, decided that he would be more comfortable if he could feel free to discuss my crossdressing with his friends, so, with our permission, he told most of his friends.

We developed many new relationships as well. Because I was now out-and-about I began to meet people as Barbara (my real name, I use Persephone here because Barbara was already taken). I started to make friends through new associations with women's groups, the gym, my congregation's ladies auxillary, and other activities.

And I made friends with some great folks here on crossdressers.com. We frequently meet and go out to dinner, plays, movies, museums, and other places.

As others have said, you can't put the Genie back in the bottle, so you have to consider carefully. But it has brought incredible peace and harmony to my life and I'm glad I've done it.

I wish you the best.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[Beverley Sims]

A diverse group of replies here that may further confuse you.
I would start by coming out to the neighbor who has seen you dressed.
The rest of your family?
I can only say you may have to bite the bullet there.
Do you need to come out to any one?
Find a support group and gain strength through them first.
They would be your first confidantes and it would be easier to see how to test the waters after that.

[susancheerleader]

Wow. I really am happy reading your post about this. It gives me inspiration that this could work out.
I am very torn. Perhaps with more fear that I am perhaps going to become someone some of my family and friends are ashamed of. As noted, I think my closest friends will be okay, and at least ONE of my sisters probably will be okay with it. I don't have many close friends to spare.
My family has always been close to me, and each other. BUT!!!! They also don't talk about things they don't like. So it is hard to tell how they feel about Cross dressers, and I will have to carefully probe them before I let them know I am one.

[Cynthia Anne]

All of my friends and family know about me! Some accept it some don't! They all know how I will be dressed if they want to see me! You can sure find out who your friends are by dressing full time! Hugs!

[Sarah Doepner]

Susan, I'd recommend you make sure you have support in place before you branch out. While we can offer counsel and support here it would probably be a good idea to have someone local you could call or visit with as well. If you are not yet in a support group or if you haven't met any other crossdressers in your area that may be a good first step. My 'sisters' locally have helped me a lot, even though some of them may read this and wonder how and what they've done. Just knowing they are there and understand gives me a boost that helps me as I negotiate my way through this maze. When the time comes for me to come out to some of my family and friends, I know I'll still have someone to go to if I am rejected or criticized.

[Jorja]

As the others have said, there are many things to consider before you come out. I would urge you to consider the things mentioned in the above post very carefully. If and when you decide you can live with the consequences of coming out to another person then open that door and step out gracefully as only you can.

[susancheerleader]

Thanks for your valuable thoughts about this.
I don't want to rush into this. It would be nice to get it over with, but I will take it slow and easy. I can't afford to loose those that are close to me over my cross dressing. So, I will figure out who and when to come out to, or if I even do. I will say that I just don't want to keep living in fear of being "found out" and running to change if I hear or see a car pull into my driveway. I may be wrong, but perhaps I can start being who I am without fear of being "found out.

[rocketscientist]

Hi Susan. Some very good replies here. I especially liked Lorileah's reply. I consider her like our resident crossdressing Yoda!:heehee:. But, I digress. While most replies have offered possibilities and speculation, not many have addressed the actual how. I came out to my sister awhile back. If you search my post history you can find my thread. Since I live in a different state(but near), I first sent her a message that I had something important to tell her. That way it would be harder for me to chicken out! Then later, through IM, I sent her a picture of me dressed and asked her if she recognized the girl in the picture. She didn't get it at first, then she said "It kind of looks like you"! Then I said "It is me, I'm TG!". Then, after a lot of confusion and carrying on, I calmed down and tried to answer any questions she had. And there will be questions. First one will probably be.........So, are you gay? Just answer honestly and the best you can. Sometimes it can be tough to provide answers that even we don't have. As others have said, only you have any idea how anyone you come out to might react. And as far as being someone your family is ashamed of, are they ashamed of you already? Why would they be ashamed of you if they were aware of your dressing? Your still the same person. They just know a little more about you. When you do come out to someone, OWN IT! It's not a perversion and your not a criminal. Do NOT ever feel, or let someone else make you feel ashamed for doing something that comes naturally to you and makes you happy. Hope this helps you in some way. If you wanna chat, send me a PM. Hugs, Tonya:battingeyelashes: