WELL??? Can we talk about it?

[Frédérique]

I have finally told someone. Gah! The feeling, is....it's like I've dumped a huge weight off my shoulders. I've got someone to talk to about it. Someone who can crack jokes about it at my expense. ( gentle ones, just giggly sort of teasing between friends ) Someone who I can bounce ideas off, in a face to face environment, explore what it means to me, brainstorm about why.

The thread by UNDERDRESSER reminds me that I’ve been meaning to write about my sister. I told her I was a crossdresser back in October, 2010 (oh, the GOOD old days!), and I wrote a thread-starting post about it at the time. Well, why not? I rarely get a chance to tell someone, a loved one in this case, that I’m not on the same page with the rest of humanity. Yup, your little brother is a crossdresser, has been for a long time, and here’s the female clothing to prove it! That’s how it all went down, on a bright autumn day nearly two years ago, but what has happened since then?

Not much, I’m afraid. I get the feeling that my emotional disclosure was neither welcome nor well-received, although I expected at least a little feedback in the form of brainstorming. Surely my sister, who loves me despite all my faults, would be intrigued by my secret life – after all, she is responsible for dipping me into culture I would have never seen, let alone experienced, as a young boy growing up in her shadow. Thanks to her my “education” about homosexuality was delivered in giant leaps of awareness, and crossdressing (transgendered behavior, if you will) came along for the ride. I can thank my sister for instilling me with healthy curiosity about the human condition, and leading by example in terms of tolerance, acceptance, and non-bias…

No doubt about it, my sister created a blank canvas for me, ripe for blessed experimentation, although she was unaware what her creation (me) was up to. She was (is) emotional, so I became more and more emotional, and thus less male. She made her own clothes, so I was privy to all sorts of feminine, beautiful things during my formative years. In fact, she created a climate of beauty where there was none, and I breathed in the heady fragrance. Little by little, I moved towards the moment when I would cross the line and express myself as a girl, at least in appearance. I can thank my sister for paving the way, or for covering the hard pavement with flower petals – my eventual crossdressing was a foregone conclusion in this pretty environment, but I kept it all a secret from my best friend, mentor, confidant, and…yes…oldest sister…

Thanks to crossdressers.com and my ongoing excursions into writing about the thing I love, it was somewhat inevitable that I would tell my sister about my passion one fine day. We have lived together in the same house for the past six years, talking about all sorts of things, so I kept thinking about WHEN, not IF, I would spill the beans. I would get mysterious packages in the mail, and she would ask me about them – I couldn’t tell her it was my new dress! I would disappear for hours, writing my little passionate blurbs on this site, only to reappear without an adequate explanation. I would sneak out the back door for a CD excursion into the prairie, dressing up just out of sight as I always did back in the day. Sigh. I HAD to tell her at some point – this is the perfect house to be dressed up 24/7, and a deviant paradise was waiting for me…

I finally DID tell her about my crossdressing, which I have already documented, and she was kinda surprised, to say the least. Being a male, and not transgendered in any way, I don’t seem like I could possibly be a crossdresser. I like this duality, but it works against me – I don’t think my sister quite believes the depth of my passion when it comes to crossdressing. “I’ve done it ALL, everything you can think of,” I proclaimed, and she seemed to blanch. Instantly I became aware of the gulf between those who dress against their gender, and those who just aren’t comfortable with it. I offered no explanation, indeed genuine explanation is impossible, at least when it comes to crossdressing. Now what? I suppose a huge weight was off my shoulders, but I didn’t feel all that relieved…

She doesn’t really want to talk about it, and I don’t bring up the subject of crossdressing. It’s just the way it used to be, which may help to explain why I champion secrecy as often as I can. Just like at other times, and other disclosures, I lost some of the magic I feel by being a crossdresser. I would rather be upstairs, out of sight, dressing up for me alone and not subjecting my precious feelings to scrutiny. My sister is one of those females who feel men should dress a certain way, in fact she expounds on the subject repeatedly. Non-drag crossdressing is, to her, beyond the pale, and she cannot quite “square” the idea of her little brother being queer in some way. I’ve showed her some of my favorite CD clothes, and I’ve showed her my writings, along with this site – she has seen Frédérique in situ, but the silence is deafening. Maybe she’s in denial. Or she can’t quite believe how far I have deviated from the masculine norm. To all appearances, I seem normal...

Anyway, the subject rarely comes up in daily conversation. She has half-jokingly offered to make me a dress (she’s an expert seamstress), but I’m constantly weighing the pros and cons of being 100% ME in our delicate sibling dynamic – we aren’t getting any younger, and there are more serious issues at hand than my penchant for crossdressing. I get the feeling that being “out” any more than I am now will make her uncomfortable, but any conversation along those lines is increasingly stillborn. I love my sister, we are bound together by circumstance, and I don’t wish to cause her any discomfort. In many ways, I have to BE male for her sake at times, and it is a sacrifice I must make. I mention my “famous” closet, and she smiles knowingly (and nervously). It goes no further than that, which means I’m sandbagging my “self” for protection. The way I see it, I am responsible not only for my own happiness, but for my sister’s happiness as well. She loves me exactly as I am, which is one of the many blessings that I count on a daily basis...

Many years ago, when I was a young boy, my sister could’ve very easily dressed me up like a girl, but she didn’t. This haunts me, but it may explain why being “out” to her leaves me feeling dislocated and lonely, subsumed in a male presence I must put forth for her sake. In short, I’m glad I “came out,” but I wish I hadn’t...

You don’t really know me, and I don’t know you, but do you think I should increase my crossdressing visibility, or push the issue, at the expense of making my sister...uncomfortable?
:idontknow:

[Being Paige]

Wow, I am not sure if I could tell anyone in my family! I have two brothers though! I sometimes wish I had a sister, possibly to confide in but now I wouldn't know if that would be the right thing to do after reading your story. I guess if I were you and after telling my sister I would have to have another chat with her so that I knew what she was feeling ecspecialy after such a long period of silence you have gone through. I hope that you and your sister will have that chat.

[Amy Fakley]

Frédérique, I look forward to reading your posts, because they are so thoughtful and well written. You seem to be a very deep person.

When people live in close quarters ... even close family members, there's a delicate negotiation. To get along, everyone needs their defined spaces, and there's always a give and take as those boundaries shift over time. Maybe this is too obvious ... but ... could it be that she's just trying to give you the space you need?

Maybe she doesn't want to talk about it because it such an obviously personal and sensitive part of your nature, and she doesn't want to intrude? Maybe it just makes her uncomfortable, which is understandable I'd say. Maybe you have all the acceptance you need from her (and that she is willing to give?).

Personally speaking, I wouldn't increase CD visibility to her. You've already come out to her, and if she had something more to say about it, I'm sure she would 'eh? If you press those boundaries it may damage your relationship with your sister. You still have to live with her in the morning either way.

[Gaby2]

The thread by UNDERDRESSER reminds me that I’ve been meaning to write about my sister...
...we aren’t getting any younger, and there are more serious issues at hand than my penchant for crossdressing...
... I love my sister, we are bound together by circumstance, and I don’t wish to cause her any discomfort...
You don’t really know me, and I don’t know you, but do you think I should increase my crossdressing visibility, or push the issue, at the expense of making my sister...uncomfortable?
:idontknow:
That's an amazing "passionate blurb", Freddy, and very revealing.
Thankyou for your trust - I have at times wondered about your sister, who you often mention.

My experience tells me that it's primarily best to concentrate on your own needs and wishes. You continue to feel a need to share more of "what you love" with your sister, although she hasn't reacted to your coming-out as positively as you had hoped.
Indeed, you sense an element of rejection (in my humble opinion).

It might be worthwhile admitting your (?)disappointment to her and simply ask her about her feelings since you came out to her.
Maybe she has her own needs and wishes as your sister, which may or may not have anything to do with your CDing, and which may disturb communication between both of you?

Your formidable writing and self-assured style of writing can be overwhelming - at least it overwhelmes me at times and (like today) has now and again left me awestruck.
This gives you a certain aura of authority, whether you want that or not.
That might be the case in everyday-life with your sister too.

But then again, I don't really know you.
I do like you though and wish you and your sister all the best!!!
:) Gaby

[Barbara Ella]

I don't really know you, and you do not know me. But by the fact that you write so brilliantly about yourself and your thoughts, I do have some insights. Your lovely sister does not need an increased CD presence in terms of visibility. She might love, however, to have some intellectual insight into you and your life. I know very much less about your sister, but she must love you very much. I don't know if she loves to talk with you, sometimes activities like being a seamstress are a sign of being "into" the work, and not wanting to recognize the outside world, or not knowing just how to deal with it. And your revelation is one of those things that can unbalance a world that was perfect (just ask my wife). I feel that after time to process, and two years may be enough time, there is a desire to talk, but not the methodology to bring up the topic for discussion. If she offered to make you a dress, that could be her only way to open a conversation with you, and it isn't really about the dress, it is about you, who you are, what you like etc.

Use this as your in to her inner circle and talk.

Again, I really dont know you, so these are just my somewhat uninformed opinions.

Barbara

[Marlana]

My sister is a lesbian, and if were to tell anyone, it would be her. Unfortuneately, her partner is one of these proud to be lesbian types. If she found out, she would have no problem outing me to anyone she could, however, she can't cOme out to her one remaining senile parent. So I can't take the chance that she might find out. My sister has this stupid thing that not telling her would be like lying to her. That's my story.

[TGMarla]

Well, you know your sister and your situation best. It's difficult to give advice like that when we don't experience the relationship like you do. Follow your heart, but watch your head.

It's kind of parallel to my relationship with my wife. It all makes her uncomfortable, and she really doesn't want it in her life. I respect her wishes, and I've learned to be content with what I have when it comes to my needs to crossdress. I don't expose her to it, and she doesn't talk to me about it. Since I love her and respect her, I abide by her wishes and my own wishes. I don't crossdress around her, but I enjoy it quite often when the opportunity arises.

[Cynthia Anne]

I think the person you need to ask is YOUR sister! It's hard for some to understand but sometimes being blunt IS the best way!
btw. Another masterpiece you have written! Hugs!

[Allisa]

Freddy,if I may,I have three older sisters,one I have lost,one that passed,I think that our sisters see us as a male, the little brother,to alter that image may be too great of a deviance from that image.It is great that you can at least tell of your femme self,I could not even think of telling of my other self,I think acceptance would not be possible and even after all these years of sibling love.So I keep my CDing private and distant from my family.To break that image of brother,uncle and son;yes my mother is still with us at age 90;would be upseting,even though it would lift that burden from my shoulders.I hope in some way this helps with your situation.
Lisa.

[Flent]

When I was younger, someone close to me told me that he was a crossdresser. I was accepting but didn't say much, just asked a few questions and expressed encouragement. I never saw him dressed when we were together, but he showed me photos later online. I remember feeling confused and slightly uncomfortable. It seemed like a window into something private that didn't include me, some sort of secret double life. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to say about it. My response was probably something like, 'oh, that's very pretty. Err... read any good books lately?'

Your sister knows you're a private person. It sounds like you didn't really tell her much about your feelings about crossdressing. The discomfort may just be confusion about it, not knowing what she's supposed to do with this information. She may not know what you want from her. It's obvious she hasn't rejected you. It may be making her even more uncomfortable because you haven't talked about it enough.

You should take her up on the offer to make a dress, it might have been a hint of acceptance.

[Sapphire]

It has been my experience that coming out as transgendered to a friend or loved one is highly problematic. Never have I found the experience joyful.

Exceptional complexity, especially in relationships, is something that as humans we try best to avoid, and often we need to make a much greater effort to perceive ourselves as we are perceived by others.

In the context of the brother who wishes to present as a sister, perhaps we should consider a well known optical illusion – that of a silhouette that can be viewed as an elegant woman or an ugly witch: it is impossible to view the illusion and not see one image or the other – never can both be seen simultaneously. This illusion points to a feature of our humanity that may be close the core of what makes the experience of being transgendered so difficult to deal with.

Nor is it all that hard to conceive of thought experiments where the tables are turned and we are the ones who do the rejecting - as we tend to place a very high value on consistency and adherence to conventions that have won social acceptance.

There are, I am convinced, solutions that can be made work – but unrealistic expectations of others are not among them. We did not choose to be wired as we are – but neither did others.

[Beverley Sims]

Don't cut off your nose to spite your face.
Do not tell her any more, keep her guessing.

[Marleena]

You should take her up on the offer to make a dress, it might have been a hint of acceptance.

I agree with this. It just MIGHT open the door a crack further. Anytime you tell somebody about this side of you it leaves you vulnerable. We never truly know how they will react. So far you've met silence so pick out some nice fabric and ask her to make you a dress like she offered. Then you will know your answer.

[daarleane]

I would take her up on her offer to make me a dress. It provides an opportunity to talk about it. Go shopping with her "in drab" for the pattern and the fabric. Reassure her that you are still her brother and will always love her and will be there for her no matter what you are wearing.

[Frédérique]

I appreciate the responses! I didn’t know whether to submit the OP or not – I like being mysterious, you know...:doh:


It might be worthwhile admitting your (?) disappointment to her and simply ask her about her feelings since you came out to her. Maybe she has her own needs and wishes as your sister, which may or may not have anything to do with your CDing, and which may disturb communication between both of you?

Hi Gaby! That’s good advice. The problem is, I feel that crossdressing is an interesting, very rare thing, but most “other” people don’t – I want to talk about it, which may explain why I’m on this board in the first place, but one-on-one actual conversation with another sympathetic person has eluded me. I do get the feeling that communication along the lines I yearn for may disrupt the excellent relationship I have with my sister. She and I are standing on a branch that we’re slowly sawing off behind us (it’s a long story), and I don’t want to add any more confusion into the mix. In my mind, it’s important that she at least knows I’m a crossdresser, and we can carry on as before…


It's kind of parallel to my relationship with my wife. It all makes her uncomfortable, and she really doesn't want it in her life. I respect her wishes, and I've learned to be content with what I have when it comes to my needs to crossdress. I don't expose her to it, and she doesn't talk to me about it. Since I love her and respect her, I abide by her wishes and my own wishes. I don't crossdress around her, but I enjoy it quite often when the opportunity arises.

Even though I’m not married, and I don’t have a SO, at least I can see what others are up against by experiencing my little tale of disappointment. When my sister is away (a rare event these days), I take the opportunity to dress up all day long, upstairs and down – I just don’t feel comfortable dressing in her presence, but I at least put forth a less-than-masculine presence in drab. I’ve also learned to be content with what I have – I’m not really “going” anywhere with all this, so I just create my own personal “space” for crossdressing pleasure…

BTW, right after I submitted the OP, my sister and I got into a little discussion about the word (term) transgendered, something I couldn’t even bring up if I wasn’t “out.” She agrees with my interpretation/dissection, so we are on the same wavelength at least!
:)


Your sister knows you're a private person. It sounds like you didn't really tell her much about your feelings about crossdressing.

I can slip in a comment at times, but crossdressing is not really a subject that is easy to talk about. I see that tell-tale “I have no information about this” look that comes over someone’s face, and it tends to kill enthusiasm at a glance. Not being as masculine as the next guy can be accepted or tolerated to a certain degree, but dressing in female clothing, especially when you have no transgendered reason to do so, is very hard to explain or justify. It would be immensely difficult to look in someone’s eyes and tell them my feelings about crossdressing – do I even know them myself, or can I express them properly? It’s frustrating...

[NicoleScott]

She doesn’t really want to talk about it, and I don’t bring up the subject of crossdressing. It’s just the way it used to be, which may help to explain why I champion secrecy as often as I can.

When I read your post, especially the quoted passage, I didn't think about siblings, but about wives (and SO's, but there's a big difference). Some crossdressers demand nothing short of full acceptance and participation - mere tolerance is not enough. The women didn't marry a guy to be her dress-up-and-go-out-girlfriend, they wanted a husband. Wives may understand the CDers need to dress up, but don't want to talk about it, see it, or participate in it. If that's the way it is, we are wise to keep it out of their faces, appreciate the tolerance, and leave the door open for any possible leanings toward acceptance.
Nice post, as usual.

[Michelle (Oz)]

The way I see it, I am responsible not only for my own happiness, but for my sister’s happiness as well. She loves me exactly as I am, which is one of the many blessings that I count on a daily basis...



Freddy

Again your post is provides such great insight.

There are very strong parallels between your relationship with your sister and my relationship with my wife who abhors crossdressing. In her words 'it's a deal breaker'.

The above quote draws out for me what I must do to preserve our relationship and provides support that my effort is not in vain.

Thanks
Michelle

[Annie D]

I can't hope to begin to understand what is other people's mind but I think that we all develop a mental image of brothers, sisters, wives, husbands and children and those perceptions are deeply woven into how we care and love them. When that perception becomes tarnished or changed after years of loving them, it takes real strength and character to continue to feel the same affection for that person. I'm not saying that anyone is lacking in strength and character but I know my wife had to deal with my crossdressing in her own way, so have my children and so maybe your sister has to go through the same evolution as my family has. I realize, like you, that something has been lost between my immediate family and me and it may never be regained again. All I can say, for myself, is that I go on and not try to mend the fence that is already broken because what has happened is in the past but I need to develop a newer and hopefully better relationship with each one of them. in this way, hopefully, we can grow back together and share the love and devotion with one another that we once had.

[ReineD]

... so I kept thinking about WHEN, not IF, I would spill the beans. I would get mysterious packages in the mail, and she would ask me about them – I couldn’t tell her it was my new dress! I would disappear for hours, writing my little passionate blurbs on this site, only to reappear without an adequate explanation. I would sneak out the back door for a CD excursion into the prairie, dressing up just out of sight as I always did back in the day. Sigh. I HAD to tell her at some point – this is the perfect house to be dressed up 24/7, and a deviant paradise was waiting for me…

If your sister developed needs resulting in behaviors that made you feel uncomfortable, would you rather she keep this to herself? Or, would you try to overcome your own feelings out of love for your sister?

Would you like to be able to take a walk outside without feeling as if you must hide? Would you like your sister to acknowledge your needs, be happy with you when an exquisite dress arrives by mail, enjoy your writings on this site and possibly discuss them with you? Would you like her to understand your occasional frustration over having needs that your community feels are deviant, without feeling as if she is distasteful or judges you like everyone else?

Then you must take your earlier converstation a few steps further and let her know how you feel. And ask her how she feels about this.

:hugs:

[kimdl93]

Tough call, Freddy. There are people in my life that know and pretend its not there. There are others, such as my wife, step daughter and a few close female friends who accept me without reservation or limitation. Ultimately, all of these people made their choice about how they would respond to me as a transgendered person. And I think ultimately, your sister needs to make a choice as well. She may well be uncomfortable with the subject and may have a mental construct of you that doesn't include a skirt and heels. But, she's also an adult, and probably a pretty preceptive and intelligent one, since she's your sister. Maybe the way forward is to keep asking, to invite conversation and explain at each opportunity why its important for you to have her acceptance.

[Dana921]

I have to agree with the above advice in that you have to talk to her to find out exactly what it is that makes her uncomfortable? Not knowing about the subject and feeling like she is somehow letting you down? Not recognizing the level of importance the subject is to you?Complete repulsion or unwillingness to the idea of a man expressing such obvious feminine behaviour? Or anywhere in between / different view point?

And, I would try and make sure I was seperating her discomfort from my own so that I do not inadvertantly transfer feelings I have about the subject / relationship to her! If you go in with a foregone conclusion, then you will get exactly what you expect. I really think discussion helps all involved, they gain a better understnading as do we by them asking questions that we have to verbalize externally.

Dana

[Flent]

I can slip in a comment at times, but crossdressing is not really a subject that is easy to talk about. I see that tell-tale “I have no information about this” look that comes over someone’s face, and it tends to kill enthusiasm at a glance. Not being as masculine as the next guy can be accepted or tolerated to a certain degree, but dressing in female clothing, especially when you have no transgendered reason to do so, is very hard to explain or justify. It would be immensely difficult to look in someone’s eyes and tell them my feelings about crossdressing – do I even know them myself, or can I express them properly? It’s frustrating...

Is it your sister that's uncomfortable, or is it you?

Because you've said she loves you, joked about making you a dress, has the same definition of transgendered, is a model of "tolerance, acceptance, and non-bias". She's known for years now that you crossdress and she has not rejected you. You live with her; you'd be the first to know if she were really bothered. If you want to talk about it, you will probably be the one who has to bring it up:

'This blouse is a little big on me and I was hoping you could help me take it in.'
'I'd like my bedroom to be more feminine, want to help me decorate?'
'Is that package for me? It must be my new dress!'
'I found this book/article/website that I really relate to. I'd love to hear your thoughts about it.'

Anything really, it doesn't have to be a deep discussion, just little things here and there.

[Sarah Doepner]

Anyway, the subject rarely comes up in daily conversation. She has half-jokingly offered to make me a dress (she’s an expert seamstress), but I’m constantly weighing the pros and cons of being 100% ME in our delicate sibling dynamic – we aren’t getting any younger, and there are more serious issues at hand than my penchant for crossdressing. I get the feeling that being “out” any more than I am now will make her uncomfortable, but any conversation along those lines is increasingly stillborn.

You don’t really know me, and I don’t know you, but do you think I should increase my crossdressing visibility, or push the issue, at the expense of making my sister...uncomfortable?
:idontknow:

Generally it is the unknown that makes us more uncomfortable than the known. Her 'half-joking' offer may have been an uncomfortable offer to learn a little more about your crossdressing and begin to know it via something she is familiar and comfortable with. Conversation during the construction can be about anything, if it isn't about crossdressing then it will be a continuation of your normal life and will work all the better to show that you remain the same person, but maybe a little more at ease, no longer nurturing a regret or a hidden aspect or being circumspect. Something you spent years coming to know and embrace was dumped on her in a rush and although I have no doubt you were patient and very clear in your explainations, she still has a lot of catching up to do and needs to understand how to integrate Freddie into her view of her brother. You dont' have to push the issue, but you opened the door 2 years ago and need to be a good neighbor now and invite her in for tea occasionally.

[KellyJameson]

She may fear the change that could happen if she accepts it by being open to it.

She may also feel guilt if she sees the crossdressing as a consequence (failure) of your upbringing that somehow could be her fault or reflects on a parent that she feels loyalty to.

The problem with crossdressing is partly the symbolic meaning assigned to the act of crossdressing, what it means (reasons) and what it could become if accepted.

Your sister may share many of the same trepidations as the S.Os of crossdressers here
on this forum because it could impact her life in similar ways.

Masculine power has its symbols including dress so when a male dresses as a female he is
adopting the opposite symbol of his power creating an image of being powerless and this
can be very shocking to some because it is seen as unnatural to reject ones power so the assumption is made that there must be something psychologically wrong with the person.

If a person has an enlightened relationship to power than feminine and masculine power
is seen from the outside as separate from the person not as part of the person because they
have moved beyond the need for power so it becomes a tool and not an identity.

Most people live within power by identifying with it so become confused by it, much like how we give a piece of paper (money) value which has only the value agreed to be given to it but not the actual physical value it represents, we treat the unreal as real giving meaning to something that it does not really have.

We become confused because we treat symbols as if they are real in that they represent whatever truths we assign to them but the actual truth is that truth and symbol are separate
so the truth of the clothing is only in what we assign to it.

Learn what the symbols mean to your sister and you may find a way to show her your truth
(which I think comes from your enlightenment in relationship to power) not the one she has assigned to the symbols (crossdressing) which were decided for her by the culture.

There is truth and than what she thinks is true which may or may not be the same thing.

Another way is through the study of myth and Joseph Campbell is excellant for this

[natacsha]

Hey, I know what I wanted and needed to do for myself and when I was ready I did and executed my plans and continuing to. But to each her own. Does your sister depend on your male side for strength that she relies on? I don't know your situation but you seem genuine and yet mysterious enough to leave huge blanks when trying to understand your situation beyond your beautiful words. I fear there is a bigger reason why youve held back but if there isn't then the only question I would ponder would be whether or not your well being and happiness is deeply affected by holding back? and do you feel that telling your sister will be the answer for you? is the chance worth the possible consequence? Who are you to her? I think you'll make the right choice no matter how difficult. Sometimes self sacrifice is a necessity that may benefit the both of you. if its not that serious then no sacrifice is needed and expressing yourself shouldn't hurt anyone...too badly