How should I tell my wife???

[prasaghes]

Ok ladies,

I've been secretly cd for 4 years now and married to my wife for only 6 months..... Have no ideas how to come clean with her in hopes she excepts me and maybe will even help me. How should I approach her??:(

[heatherdress]

It's not possible to offer specific ideas for you to use to inform your new wife without knowing a lot more information about her, you, how open and intimate you are with each other, your ages, your beliefs, how you communicate and many other important pieces of information. Seems odd that you feel that you must tell he now, after 6 months of marriage. Why didn't you share your secret before your wedding. If you did not feel comfortable telling her last year, what has changed? Why do you feel you need her "help"? Seems like you should start with a good therapist. Not because you crossdress. But to understand yourself better and to communicate more effectively.

[marny]

Heatherdress put it very nicely. something so important to you should have been exposed to the person that is making such a deep commitment with you.
the good news is you both must be young, so either you'll deal with it and live happily ever after, or you'll deal with it another way and learn from your mistakes, wounds heal.

[outhiking]

There are some great posts on here about sharing with loved ones and a lot of advice. There's probably no one way to tell someone, but in the end I've found that honesty works best. However, be sure that she wants to know. My wife would rather I'd kept it all to myself. Good luck and be sure to check the forum for feedback.

[danielle.cd]

you dont need to be bashed over the head , just informed so u waited , ok , well if uv been with her for a while, she probably knows something is going on , just not what , mine told me that after i told her about me dressing , further more i didnt just dress in front of her untill she was ready to see me dressed , i let her ceriosity get the best of her so when i did she would be more open to it, she was relived that i wasnt cheating and that i didnt want anyone else to know besides her and this site
now depending on how your marriage is going and how open she is she may just say cool let me help (every dressers dream ) or i dont want nothing to do with it , but be ready to answer alot of questions about yourself and always answer honestly if u dont they will come up down the road and u will regret that u didnt say the truth . its not always the end of a marriage explain your needs if want to welcome her here to the many resorces there are about us cders and to the spouses

[Jenniferathome]

See my signature link to read what I did

[Eryn]

There are a lot of references on this site about how to tell one's wife or SO. I think that the best final approach is the direct one. "Dear, I have something that has been bothering me and I think that we need to talk about it."

Make sure that you have several hours of free time to talk.

Hugs, Eryn

[Anita_2]

Well I am new hire and I can not answer on question to all but I can share with you all my experience about that. On the beginning I told her that I am in interest about stockings and tights – in short time she accepted that by condition that she can wear it when she like :) (I think if women accept stockings and tights it is good because it is really lingerie ) - later I added a few things more and at last the total CD. Hope this will help you.

[Vickie_CDTV]

If you are going to tell her, save some potential pain and do it before you have children together.

[Beverley Sims]

Sift though all the replies here read other posts where suggested and find a suitable time to tell her, sooner than later.

[BLUE ORCHID]

This is something that you should address as soon as possible you know your wife better than we do.
Be prepaired for a lot of questions this could go either way.

[STACY B]

Do it the same way we all did it ???? >>>> Hey Baby Guess What ?? No Just Guess ,,,lol,,,,, Naaaaaaaaa jus kidding ,,, Like I always tell them an all the chix here disagree with me ,,But I say take her shopping an act Real interested an that way you can test the waters if she picks up on your fasination with clothes or shoes ,, Just drop some hints an see .

[Karren H]

If I had to do it over again I'd dress up and pop out of the closet.... its quick and you'll know if she likes it or not real fast... none of this baby step crap... that just wastes precious time..... the end results is usually the same... she's going to love it or kick your ass to the curb....

[Michelle (Oz)]

If I had to do it over again I'd dress up and pop out of the closet.... its quick and you'll know if she likes it or not real fast... none of this baby step crap... that just wastes precious time..... the end results is usually the same... she's going to love it or kick your ass to the curb....

My ass was about kicked to the curb without popping out of the closset dressed!! Whatever the extent of your preparation and your approach, understand the possible consequences and prepare for the possibility of rejection.

Sorry, but my recent experience is still front of mind.

[Amy Fakley]

Well ... I'm the last one to give advice on how because I haven't told my wife yet either.

I've been married 15 years, but I was in such denial about who I was ... I had such a myopic, hyper-compartmentalized view of what I was doing that I couldn't see the forest for the trees ... I didn't truly realize that there was something I needed to tell her until the past 3 years or so.

There's a lot to consider before coming out. Others have given me this advice here, and I think it's spot-on, so I'll pass it along: get right with yourself first. Maybe see a therapist first if you think you need to, but ... understand what this is to you as completely as you can before you have the talk. Literally someone else told me this very thing on a different thread like two days ago, and it has struck me as the most right answer I've ever heard so far.

I will say this. Married 6 months ... in my experience this is the "negotiation" phase of the relationship still. You're both still learning what it means to be married to each other. Things that are established in that early phase are hard to change later ... and I'm not just talking about dressing. How finances are handled, how big decisions are made ... who is going to do the laundry & the dishes ... these patterns are established early, and in my experience, harder and harder to change as time goes on.

so for what it's worth ... I wish I'd had the knowledge of self at 6 months into my marriage to be able to come clean at that stage. It beats having to do it 14 1/2 years later, believe me. But be ready first.

[prasaghes]

Thankyou so much ladies.... With your help I've decided to come clean with her, but I think its best for me to take baby steps with her...... I'll first start with stockings our panties perhaps than slowly but surely work my way tocompletely cd in front of her. Hopefully someday she can attend a cd comity with me........... So ladies whats do you think?:)

[Kerigirl2009]

Oh no. This is a OMG moment
If you tell her she could accept it and deal with it but not like it out to others

She could really find it exciting and this may open new doors for both of you

She could absolutely freak out about it, call ll you a bunch of unpleasants and slam the door in your face

These are all possibilities, but remember she is your best friend, lover, and ultimately your wife. Once you tell her be prepared to crush her total image of you and realize that you may feel better because you lifted this huge weight off your shoulders but some of that weight was only transferred to her. be ready for a rocky couple months. But if you feel that she will be accepting tell her. if she is truly in love with you she can love you still. I wish you the best.
My only advice is to talk with her alone and make sure you have plenty of free time to discuss anything she wants to discuss with you. I chose to discuss my coming out when we went on a family vacation. Lets just say the ride home was very quiet. Godd luck with your decision

[kimdl93]

IMHO you don't have a choice in this matter. You either tell her or she'll find out. Or you'll be one of the lucky few who hide successfully for years...and drive yourself nuts with paranoia. I'd argue in favor of coming out to her on your own terms and timetable.

But first be prepared. Do your secondary research here - there are lots of good posts on the kinds of questions wives will ask. And do your own primary research to get a good handle on your wife's attitudes, how she responds to gender diversity as a general concept. Then script yourself so that you can express yourself clearly and maintain your composure if the conversation goes in a bad direction. If it does, don't be afraid to ask for a time out if things are getting out of hand, and simply ask to postpone until you've both calmed down. The worst thing you and she can do is to let emotions take control. You could both end up saying things you don't mean.

[Stephanie47]

Amen. to that! I see you're twenty-three. You and your wife are still young and in the getting to really know each other stage of married life. Do not take an early acceptance from her as a final solution to your problem. Like anyone, she will probably take some time to absorb this cross dressing bombshell. This is something more than the guy leaves his dirty socks on the floor.


If you are going to tell her, save some potential pain and do it before you have children together.

[prasaghes]

Thankyou so much hun

[Princess_Andria]

I totally agree with stacey b and i have written advice posts on my blog for things like this. Any time i've gone the direct route it always has ended bad for me so i chose other technique, droppings hints or using humor has a great advantage. Telling her directly leaves no escape route IMO shes either cool with it and your good, or shes not and its all over. Dropping the hints and using humour gives you plenty of escapes and allows you to test her reaction to things. If shes like WTF? then you know right? at the end of the day you were just joking, no hamr no foul.

[thewife/soon2bex]

From a GG perspective, please think before you put little hints. For my H these little hints that he "gave" over the years was just excuses he found to not tell me. If he didn't like my reaction to something this was his excuse to keep his secret. Unfortunatly, for us it was over 20 yrs and he never did tell. I was forced to accept through finding out on my own. He told me that he didn't tell due to the fact that respected me enough not to tell. Just remember, respect goes hand and hand with honesty. Respect and Love are two of the most important parts of any marriage and when you loose either one, it is not replaceable. Good luck and love her, cherish her and realize that she will have emotions to deal with. Give her the time to face everything. Let her know you love her enough to give her all of you. Just my thoughts.

[kristinacd55]

See my signature link to read what I did

Take a looksie at Jennifer's link if you haven't already.....THAT's the way to handle it. DON'T do it the way I did with the wife finding out after 32 years!

[kimdl93]

I totally agree with stacey b and i have written advice posts on my blog for things like this. Any time i've gone the direct route it always has ended bad for me so i chose other technique, droppings hints or using humor has a great advantage. Telling her directly leaves no escape route IMO shes either cool with it and your good, or shes not and its all over. Dropping the hints and using humour gives you plenty of escapes and allows you to test her reaction to things. If shes like WTF? then you know right? at the end of the day you were just joking, no hamr no foul.

I tend to agree with thewife/soon2bex...little hints may not be taken seriously. Yes, there is a risk in being forthright, upfront and honest ...but there is also an equal or perhaps greater risk in failing to do so. I stand with the position that a planned conversation is better than being found out by accident in most cases.

[Barbara Ella]

Hints and humor have a place, but the down side is that they allow thoughts not germane to the issue to develop, and you have shown no real willingness to discuss them, and the wife will get confused and begin to buildup negative thoughts you cannot dispel.

Come clean with the fact that you are a crossdresser, just the facts, nothing but the facts. Be prepared to answer all questions honestly and forthrightly.

DO NOT, repeat DO NOT do this while dressed in any way whatsoever. PERIOD. And do not tell her you want to dress in front of her in anything. If this is to happen, it must be her idea, not yours. Nothing you do infront of her should be at your request during the initial period of a few months at least. Even if she says she wants to see you dressed do not take that as a license to dress in front of her whenever you want. Yes, dress for her that time, but wait for her invitation to dress again.

You are young, and doing this early will avoid the emotional loss a woman suffers after 41 years of marriage, like mine, and I came out to her immediately after realizing I am a crossdresser. She was totally supportive, and we did everything together, and I dressed all the time with her. It was too much too fast. We both wish we had not been so fast to try to find out what this crossdressing was all about. Her emotions are shot, and she cannot see me dressed. She supports the idea of me dressing, but never in her presence. So, even if all you can do is underdress, with an occasional pair of loafers, take it and rejoice, and continue to be her husband, and don't let your dressing take up all of your time together. All she has of you is the time you are together and she may need some male time their.

I do believe this is the best course of action, even though the possibility of a negative reaction exists. Do not delay, but prepare thoroughly.

Barbara

[giuseppina]

I agree with most of what has been said above.

Here is another link about how to tell:

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?13841-How-to-tell-your-partner&highlight=

Good luck. :hugs:

[Michelle V]

This might sound stupid but I how about watching a crossdresser movie or a show together and testing the waters. Maybe mention how amazing it is that a guy can look like a girl and wonder what it is like. My wife and I watch Ru Paul's Drag race and Drag U, she wasn't too thrill at first but saw how fun it is and even has a favorite girl (She just loves Raven) I really think that you gays made a commitment: Husband and wife during the good times and the bad times, who says being a CD has to be a bad time, maybe it is something you can enjoy as a couple. Good luck my friend.

[cathie pantyhose]

talk about it before she just finds out...it rarely works out the latter. Dont wait, you'll only torture yourself

[Jenniferathome]

I think its best for me to take baby steps with her...... I'll first start with stockings our panties perhaps than slowly but surely work my way tocompletely cd in front of her. Hopefully someday she can attend a cd comity with me........... So ladies whats do you think?:)

This is a horrible idea. Coming clean is the start. After that, SHE gets to decide what she is ready for or not ready for. Allow her to get used to this rather odd side of us at her pace alone.

[Alice B]

Up front, open and honest. And be ready to answer all her questions and concerns with total honesty.