Pardon the interruption, but I have something serious to discuss. No, really.

[Loretta]

I found out today that my father occasionally has days when he feels extremely suicidal.
He's been disabled for around 6 years now, and he suffers from PTSD. Out of respect for his wishes, I won't discuss what he saw, that which gave him PTSD in the first place.
However, due to his access to pain and psych meds, he's claimed multiple times that he just felt like ending it all. Here's where crossdressing plays in- You see, he wasn't really there that much for me or my brother when we were kids, but not for lack of trying. He worked multiple jobs up until he became disabled. He just wasn't at home that much.
One of the reasons that he is suicidal is because he feels like a ****-up. Not just as a person, but as a father. He said to me that he believes the reason I crossdress is because he just wasn't around, and I ended up identifying with my mom more. He said that every time he sees me dressed up, or just in a pair of high heels, it tears him up inside, because he feels like it's his fault.
He's accepting as all get-out, but it makes him feel uncomfortable. I've tried on multiple occasions to reassure him that it was not his fault in the slightest that I crossdress, but he is adamant in his beliefs.
My crossdressing is adding to his grief, and it's putting his life in danger. Due to this, I feel as though I should stop. But I just don't know what to do.
What should I do? Crossdressing is part of who I am, part of my life.

[KlaireLarnia]

I feel very sorry for you and your dad. While I can't understand or hope to understand what your father has gone through, I hope he is getting some sort of counselling for it as that will help him work his way through the pain. And perhaps part of it will be to discuss what you do and help him come to realise that his not being there (probably) had little impact on it but it does not change the fact that you are his loving and caring son and what you wear does not and will not change that.

Personally if I was in your position I would not dress around him (if you do/did before) and make him see you as he wants and needs to see you. But I would suggest he speak to his counsellor about it when he is ready - or perhaps you can approach the counsellor directly and mention it to them so they can work it into his sessions if they feel it appropriate or helpful.

As long as you take the time to remind him that regardless of everything you are his son, you love him and always will, and if the subject comes up remind him that it was not his fault in anyway you started to dress (and perhaps try and explain what drove you to it if you can) - you have done all you can. You cannot cure or fix your dad's problems or view, all you can do is try and help him understand and hope he will see the truth himself one day.

[noeleena]

Hi,

I realise this can happen for some men i allso know what its like not haveing a father,

How close are you with him as a person as to the father side id say not much will he listen to you as a friend change the role of Father to friend,

I allso know a lot about suicide from being with Jos my self & others & some iv worked with,

There is some help there for those who have P T S D. & if you wish to,,,, email me,,,,, ill help in what ever way i can ,

Its not something you can just cast off its more deep seated than that.yet with help we may not compleatly over come it yet we can live with it till it does not rule us compleatly,

...noeleena...

[Brenda79135]

I am sorry to hear about your father. It sounds like your dad was a very active man in his youth. Holding down 2 jobs takes a bit of time. Now that he doesn't do that anymore, he has time the think. Time to think may not be a good thing. He is dwelling on the past of things that he should have done. Things that he should have done different. Without being active, he is starting to think he is useless and becoming a burden to the family. You did not say what his disability is. If he is still mobile, maybe you could get him to do projects around the house. Get him to voluteer repairing thing at the local goodwill. This will give him something to do and a purpose in life. As for the dressing around him, I don't have a clue what to do. You say he accepts that you dress and blames himself for it. Maybe tone it down while around him. Wearing womens casual (ie jeans, shirt without forms, and flats instead of heels) might be better suited while aound him. Most of all, keep him talking. He has anactive mind and needs to stay on task with something other than lonely time alone.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Loretta, Have you talked with a minister see if you can get your father to go with you.

[donnalee]

One thing you can do is spend time with him, talk to him about things he has an interest in and what you are interested in (perhaps later on). Try not to dress around him and to keep him interested in other things. PTSD is one disability, if there is a physical one as well, try to interest him in doing things which are a bit of a stretch for him but not too much beyond reality. The more he is engaged, the less he will worry and not have time to sulk about his condition.
He must love you and the rest of your family very much to have worked so hard for you; he needs respect and attention. As far as the medications go, your best bet is to put a weeks worth of meds into a weekly pillbox (2X a day is the best configuration) available at any drug store and secure the rest (a small pistol safe is probably the best; check midwayusa.com for prices). Make sure the safe is bolted to a wall or floor for security.

[Karren H]

Thats nonsense.... that would be like blaming myself because my son is gay....... your father needs to seek professional help.... now!

[kimdl93]

Of course, he didn't cause you to be the way you are...its most likely of biological origin, something nature decided long ago. Of course, he's adamant in his beliefs. That may well be part of his PTSD. I doubt that stopping your CDing will have any impact on your father's problems. Unless he is able to get back to work, he'll probably continue to be plagued by feelings of inadequacy. In my opinion, the only thing you can do is offer your unconditional love and support. And if your presence en femme arrouses issues for him, then maybe its time to find another living situation for yourself. Visit him en drab...when the opportunity presents itself, but don't constrict your life.

I'm assuming your father is receiving professional help. If not, he must.

[Voulez-Vous]

My crossdressing is adding to his grief, and it's putting his life in danger. Due to this, I feel as though I should stop. But I just don't know what to do.

This isn't rocket science. I'm sure you can figure out what to do.

[Prissy Linda]

Thats nonsense.... that would be like blaming myself because my son is gay....... your father needs to seek professional help.... now!

I agree with Karren, get him some help. You don't need to put yourself on some sort of guilt trip.

[Flent]

I hope that your father finds joy in life and I hope he realizes how blessed he is to have your love and support. But know that even if the worst does happen, it's not your fault. You are not putting his life in danger; he is a grown man and he alone is responsible for his actions. Right now he's viewing his past through a lens of regret, stress, trauma, sadness. People with PTSD often do feel that they are at fault somehow, that they should have done something to prevent what happened, even if such thoughts are entirely without basis in reality. It may be he's transferring some of these guilty feelings to you, but your crossdressing is not the only thing on his mind. You're focusing on it maybe because it seems like the one thing within your control, but the problem is deeper. I agree with others about not dressing around him if you can avoid it, but changing yourself is not enough to fix him.

It sounds like he's had a formal diagnosis and is on medication. Have you spoken with his doctors about his being suicidal? He may need some adjustment with what he's taking. You may want to speak with a therapist yourself to find the best ways to support him emotionally and respond to his talk about suicide.

[5150 Girl]

So, have you shown him the evidence (online, or in books or somthing) that GBLT issue are genetic, and not a product of envernment?

[RachelRoxx]

This sucks. Can I ask how old your father is? I know sometime older people when things are hard the get a "well im old and might as well end it" mentality. Which isnt good. My father wasnt around a lot when i was younger and i definitely think it had something to do with my dressing. Whether you realise it or not im sure it did for you too. But he needs to understand all fathers make mistakes and it DOES NOT MAKE THEM AT FAULT! We are human beings and we will make mistakes, just re assure him that its not his fault. Much respect to him for working multiple jobs to suppoort your family. And yea I would definitely avoid him seeing you dressed. And it may sound kind of harsh ansd i dont mean to be but you shouldnt stop if it makes you happy. Also Im not sure what he does in his free time and you said hes on pain meds but idle hands equal depression, at least for me. He should find some hobbies or something. If im not doing anything i start thinking too much and get miserable. So I go out and fish, play guitar, play video games, anything to keep my mind busy. Hope it all works out for you babe. Kisses.

[Dawn cd]

If the PTSD event occurred in the course of military service, your father may be eligible for VA counseling, or if it was part of a domestic tragedy, there may be civilian resources (Red Cross, etc) open to him. But clearly anyone who speaks of suicide is in need of counseling. It is unfair of him to lay his condition on you. You are NOT to blame here. However, when he expresses pain over your dressing, he is telling you that he needs help. If he won't seek it himself, at least make sure he has the number of the local suicide prevention hotline.

[Tracii G]

If your Dad was in the military see if you can get him into a PTSD support group at the VA or a local group that deals with it.
His not being there may have done a little to cause it but I think its more genetic that you do dress and less his fault.
Be his son and and not dress when you are around him is a good idea.
Meds tend to cause depression and feelings of uselessness so keep him busy with a hobby of some kind.
Most of all love and cherish him no matter what and take care of him.

[ColleenA]

... he feels like a ****-up. Not just as a person, but as a father. He said to me that he believes the reason I crossdress is because he just wasn't around ... he feels like it's his fault. He's accepting as all get-out, but it makes him feel uncomfortable. I've tried on multiple occasions to reassure him that it was not his fault in the slightest that I crossdress ...

While I agree with the others here who say you may need to tone down or even suspend your dressing when around him, the cat is out of the bag. He does know you crossdress. That can't be unlearned. However ...

"... he feels like it's his fault." Letting him know that you don't blame him is good, but it's not enough. You might also tell him how CDing, while not for him or for most guys, has been a good thing in your life.

Maybe it gives you a chance to be more playful and free.
Maybe it lets you express yourself in ways you might not be able to otherwise.
Maybe it allows you to tap into your emotions better than guys typically do.
Certainly it gives you a lot more flair and style in your clothing choices than most guys your age have.

He need not relate to what CDing does for you, but if he can understand that it's something you are happy with, that may help.

On another note, does your brother crossdress? If not, then he should see that there is so much more behind this part of your life than simply "because he just wasn't around."

[ReluctantDebutant]

My crossdressing is adding to his grief, and it's putting his life in danger. Due to this, I feel as though I should stop. But I just don't know what to do.
What should I do? Crossdressing is part of who I am, part of my life.

If this is the situation then yes you should stop.

[Amy R Lynn]

I am sorry to hear about your Dad and the situation he is in. My heart goes out to you and your family. This is a tough situation. As others have said, the cat is out. You can't put it back in. If it makes him uncomfortable like that I would stop dressing when he is around if you can. I wouldn't mention it to him unless he brings it up. If he brings it up, I would tell him that it makes you happy to dress. Remind him that it is something that you like, and love to do. Being a father myself (much different situation here of course) I would want my Sons to be happy. I'm sure he wants you to be happy as well. Keep reminding him that you love him, and that this is no one's fault.

Also I have to imagine that he has been seeing a therapist or counselor about the PTSD. If he has not told them about his suicidal thoughts, he should. They could really help.

Take it easy with dressing around him. Give him some room and understanding on his behalf.

[TGMarla]

First off, don't crossdress in front of him. Parents always feel like they did something wrong when confronted with something like CDing. Also tell him that you love him. Seek out his advice on some things. Make him feel wanted. Find an activity that you like to do together, and pursue it. Suicide leaves an awful hole in the lives of those who survive it when that person is gone. I know this from experience. If your father knew the wreckage he'd leave behind him in the wake of his death, he'd understand how much he means to those around him, and he'd no longer be suicidal. So talk to him, and let him know you need him around.

[heatherdress]

Sorry about your dad and your pain. There are many good recommendations already. I would also add that you should seek a good therapist for yourself. It is very difficult to see a parent in any kind of pain, regardless of the circumstances. A few visits might help your personal pain. Don't blame yourself - unnecessary guilt sucks. Do the best you can.

[ME2.0]

My advice to you is to not dress around him. As much as a right as you have to dress up, he has as much right to not have to see it.

However, you can't in one breath say that he's "accepting as all get-out" and then claim that he levels his suicidal thoughts on your crossdressing. It sounds like it's emotional blackmail. He has a mental defect that needs counseling and possibly medication. You do not have a mental defect because you crossdress. You have to talk quite frankly with him that you want him to get help for his problems, and you will not dress around him, but in return, he has to stop blaming your crosssdressing for his suicidal thoughts. If he decides some day to unfortunately hurt himself, It was his decision, and it would be unfair to blame you in any way for your decisions that doesn't effect his life in any way.

It isn't fair to either of you to continue your relationship without this talk.

Just my opinions, best of luck
Staci

[Ann Thomas]

I'm a firm believer that crossdressing is at least in part, genetic. I'm transgendered, and my dad was gone much of when I was growing up. I didn't find out that he was also transgendered (crossdresser) until a month or two before his death to colon cancer. He *always* had come across to me as being very masculine. It was a huge shock to my son, to whom, when he turned 18, I explained this to him. He also had seen his grandfather as very masculine.

I, in turn came out to my son at that time as well, letting him know I had was transgendered. At that time, much less than I am now.

I had raised my son being as strong a masculine figure as I could be. During all of his growing up years he was with me all the time. I worked from home, being self-employed, with my office on the same property as the house. We had a small farm, with lots of animals. I taught him how to do rough and dirty jobs, from construction to mucking the horse stall, to cleaning the chicken coop, and even so far as to butcher chickens for food. I know plenty of 'men' who get downright squeamish at even the thought of lopping off a living chicken's head ... and well, you get the drift. Sorry to get so graphic, but I must say, I raised him to be a hard worker and not to shy away from really gross jobs. I wore a mountain man's beard and dressed like a mountain man. I fixed my own cars, owned heavy equipment. I worked on training the horse, and had more than one time where I got dragged across the fields at the end of the lead rope.

So, with all that upbringing, my son comes out to me that he, too, is a crossdresser.

So, here we have it - three generations of crossdressers, all raised differently, but with the same results.

Please, don't let your father blame himself for your crossdressing. It's truly not his fault. Make sure that he shares his feelings with professionals. Suicide is one of the most self-centered things one can ever do. I know that sounds harsh, but I have no patience for it. If he does himself in and blames your crossdressing for it, how is that going to make *you* feel for the rest of your life? And you'd have no way of communicating with him about it in the future.

Be strong!

Hugs,
Ann

[lingerieLiz]

If your dad was in the service try and get him connected with a PTSD counselor. If he feels bad about going go and talk to them by yourself and explain about your dad. If you are out it would be a good idea to tell about yourself.

You need help in this. Call a crisis hotline if need be. You can't deel with this by yourself and help your father. I've seen the damage suicide does to the family. Families don't remember the great things the person did they remember the suicide unfortunately.

Seek help now and take care.

[giuseppina]

Hello Loretta

This isn't your fault, but I agree with the others that crossdressing should be kept out of your father's sight.

Suicide is something that has to be dealt with by a mental health professional, not a member of the clergy. This isn't something you can handle yourself, and if you try, there is a significant risk you may do more harm than good.

Your father's psychiatrist should be informed of your father's suicidal inclinations. By far the best way is for your father to do this himself. There is a chance he will be involuntarily committed to a psychiatric ward due to the risk of harm to himself. This may cause him some distress, but it is for his own protection.

Mental health issues affect the entire family, not just the member with the mental health issues. This is entirely your decision, but you may find some benefit in counselling for yourself.

I wish you and your father well.

[Paulette]

Get your father to a mental health professional as soon as possible. Many times folks can be helped with medication to adjust their brain chemicals and with counseling. Your dressing was not caused by him.

[Marsha My Dear]

If I hadn't been found, I would have died when I made my suicide attempt. He's making a plea for help. No matter what you have to do, get this man some professional help right away. This isn't about you. But it is an opportunity for you to draw closer to him. The compassion you show may allow him to see you as a more complete, complicated person instead of a stereotype. Major depression is as much external as internal. Don't set up a tragic situation by not acting.

[Lee Andrews]

If you know dressing in whole or part makes him feel this way then it is time to suspend it for a while. Knowing about your cross dressing and seeing it are two different things.My wife can speak to that. As others have said he needs to go talk to his doctor before he actually does it. You will certainly become guilty if it happens because of what he has said to you. And the cycle will repeat.