Scared

[LisaMallon]

Ok, for me the clock is ticking down. Sometime In Sept I will be starting hormones.

Now I am not scared about the physical effects, I can manage them and many are what I really want.

I'm not scared about the emotional effects. I want to be integrated (my term) emotionally, instead of being this cripple I am.

I am not scared about "3 buckets" of crying. I have a lot to cry about, I all ready cry often, so what is another bucket.

I am scared about my intellectual mind. My mind is everything to me. It is who I am. My presentation to the world, my understanding of the world, my defence against the world, my friend that protects me. Protects my fragile emotions, that defeats my depressions, that makes sure I eat and exercise. That looks after my dog, my lovely Jo the Kelpie. That got me Jo, because IT knew I needed someone to love and care for .. and as long as I looked after them then I would look after me .. which normally I am very bad at.

Yes, my 'tick .. tick' computer in my head that never, ever rests that sees so many things that no one ever understands.

What if I lose it?

[Aprilrain]

whatever we fear losing we usually lose only to find we never really had it anyway ; )

[Jorja]

Mental changes will occur. However, I have yet to find anyone who has completely lost their intellect. It might even improve. So what if this did happen? Would you not find a way to carry on and make life the best it could possibly be? Worst comes to worst, you could always bleach you hair blond and be an airhead bimbo. ;)

[jenny76]

I'm new to thinking about all this, but I think your trying to make yourself happier and a more complete person, and thats honorable. Many people don't have the guts to go so far. For me, I think the feeling of not being comfortable often affects me mentally and emotionally, so that should be A #1.

[LeaP]

I am scared about my intellectual mind. My mind is everything to me. It is who I am. My presentation to the world, my understanding of the world, my defence against the world, my friend that protects me. Protects my fragile emotions, that defeats my depressions, ...

What if I lose it?

I sympathize with the concern as I've always viewed my mind the same way. As capable as I am in some ways, however, I've also discovered how much my mind has betrayed me. Had I not retreated into my mind, had I ever developed any emotional intelligence instead of running away from people and myself, I would have been better off and dealing with gender issues (and many others) earlier in life. If HRT brings balance at the expense at the expense of a couple of IQ points, terrific.

[ReineD]

Worst comes to worst, you could always bleach you hair blond and be an airhead bimbo. ;)

Hmm. From my perspective, any mental changes that result from HRT would tend to increase IQ and not decrease it. lol

[Marleena]

Lisa this might help: http://transhealth.vch.ca/resources/library/tcpdocs/consumer/hormones-MTF.pdf

Taken from the information here: What won't change

Hormone therapy won’t make you into
somebody else.
Many people experience positive emotional changes with hormone
therapy. But you’ll likely find, after the excitement wears off and you’ve
incorporated the changes into your day-to-day life, that if you were shy
you’re still shy, if you didn’t like your laugh you still don’t, and you’re still
afraid of spiders. Whatever things you think of as your strengths and
weaknesses will still be there. Hopefully, you will be happier, and that is
good for anyone. Hormone therapy may help you to be more accepting of
yourself. But if you are expecting that all your problems will pass away,
and that everything is going to be easy emotionally and socially from here
on in, you’re probably going to be disappointed.
This extends to mental health concerns as well. Trans people who were
depressed because of gender dysphoria may find that taking hormones
greatly alleviates their depression. However, if you have depression
caused by biological factors, the stresses of transphobia or unresolved
personal issues, you may still be depressed after you start hormones.
Likewise, if you are having problems with drugs or alcohol, hormones
will not necessarily get rid of those problems.


Oh and if you didn't like chocolate or pickles before you just might decide they're awesome!:heehee:

[sandra-leigh]

Hmm. From my perspective, any mental changes that result from HRT would tend to increase IQ and not decrease it. lol

Yes, even if only from losing the distraction of gender intruding on thoughts so much.

I won't lie and say that everything was intellectually fine for me while I was on HRT. I went through long spells where I was quite unable to work on my most complicated tasks. Yet during the same time I become recognized as being "world class" in a field, which involved a tremendous amount of learning and problem-solving on my part. It is far from clear that the dis-ability on the very complicated tasks was due to HRT: I was under a very high load of stress at work that was contributing strongly to depression; one of the problems with depression is that (as my doctor put it), depression "takes your edge off" -- that is, makes it difficult to perform the very complicated. (The stress load at work was high enough and lasted long enough to have serious mental and physical consequences for a number of my more stable co-workers, so blaming HRT for my reactions would not be justifiable.)

[Jorja]

Hmm. From my perspective, any mental changes that result from HRT would tend to increase IQ and not decrease it. lol

I was refering to my own blond hair. :)

[CharleneT]

Hmm. From my perspective, any mental changes that result from HRT would tend to increase IQ and not decrease it. lol

:D

:heehee:

:lol:

:lol2:

:rofl:

:jumping:

:thumbup::thumbup:

:iagree:

[elizabethamy]

I too have been proud of my mind most of my life but GID has brought so much anxiety that my "edge" has been eroded by it; I would think HRT would reduce the anxiety at least enough to slow down the craziness...if I ever go on HRT that is my first and fondest hope. If I end up a silly blonde from it, (!) I hope I'm a happy one!

elizabethamy

[stefan37]

I have been suffering from anxiety for a few years, and at times so severe I would get headaches and a pit in my stomach. The second day after starting estrogen any anxiety I felt seemed to short circuit and I would get relief. About 4-5 days later my anxiety completely disappeared. I own my own company and we went through and extremely stressful time between customer deadlines and employee difficulties. I handled all of it and any difficulties with a clear head, no anger and absolutely no anxiety.
I attribute the positive effect estrogen had on my mind. The thing that struck me was I experienced no anxiety without any mental impairment as I would have with drugs or alcohol. ( been alcohol and drug free since Christmas.).
My experience so far has been nothing short of amazing as far as the mental energy I have and my abilities to analyze
things and formulate solutions to them. My rage at the world has been muted and I have had several people say to me they have never seen me so happy. I have not experienced any degradation of mental ability. I have been on estrogen for about 8 weeks to date. My wife who by the way is not so happy about my starting hormones has commented that she does see a difference in my personality for the better. Hormones for me have been positive, kinda wish I had stared earlier in life.

[Traci Elizabeth]

Mental changes will occur. However, I have yet to find anyone who has completely lost their intellect.

TrAnSition were the circle cried in tomorrow and kan of Ajax wha-terd my kat 4 breakfast nite then hair away from the book found conjustion yesterday!


I don't think I lost any intellegencia but how was she two know the track after London fingernail.

[Jorja]

TrAnSition were the circle cried in tomorrow and kan of Ajax wha-terd my kat 4 breakfast nite then hair away from the book found conjustion yesterday!


I don't think I lost any intellegencia but how was she two know the track after London fingernail.

:doh:Oh boy, there is one in every crowd! :tongueout

[Inna]

ehhhhhhhh, computer shmooter, once you have crossed to the womanhood........no computers are needed, we find thing without GPS, we know things without reading about them, we see into our boyfriends mind and know way better then he himself, what he needs.........................

[Bree-asaurus]

Umm... I don't think HRT is gonna change how smart you are. Is this fear born of an idea that men are smarter than women??? I'm lost.

I'm a programmer and 2 years of HRT hasn't lessened my technical abilities... and I actually remembered more than I thought from my years of college math courses when I tutored a friend of mine.

I always have been a ditz, but HRT had nothing to do with that :P

And as for going crazy... I dunno... you gotta be a little nuts to survive this journey!

[Aprilrain]

we see into our boyfriends mind and know way better then he himself, what he needs.........................

that's actually true..........:heehee:

[Bree-asaurus]

that's actually true..........:heehee:

lol... yeah I'm with you on that one! I swear my boyfriend is still 7 years old sometimes...

---

Me: Go take a shower so you can go to bed, it's already late

BF: I don't wanna go to bed

Me: You have work tomorrow

BF: I don't wanna go to work

Me: But you have to and if you stay up you're going to be too tired

BF: I know...

And then he goes and makes funny faces and plays in front of the mirror for 15 minutes before he takes a shower...

[Barbara Ella]

My mind got me my career (certainly not my personality...). Over the past few years i have felt it become fuzzed a bit, mainly through a lack of focus. Over the past few months I have begun to understand where that was coming from as I now know that there was someone else in there, and now I know just how strong she really is. Can only feel that HRT would alleviate the confusion over who is in control. I now feel that she is, but there is so much male in there still belching out at times that it embarrasses me, and I am trying to change that. Doubt it would alter the intellect, but feel that some estrogen, and a whole lot less testosterone would let my mind concentrate better on the important things.

Have a feeling that is what you will find Lisa, and good luck on your journey.

Barbara

[sandra-leigh]

Over the past few years i have felt it become fuzzed a bit, mainly through a lack of focus.

That is a difficulty for me, lack of focus. The constant internal struggle of GID, the inward pressure outward, was, in its own way, a focus, pre-occupying, but building the molehills up into mountains and then climbing them was in its own way "doing something". And now on HRT I haven't changed that much physically but that big pressure is gone... and that leads me feeling directionless. I did not previously identify as definitely being "female" (just as definitely not being male), and now that the fires have been banked, I feel that even less. But living in the middle is hard in its own way... go forward? Go back? I don't know what I want.

Other parts of my life happen to be low on focus as well, "on hold" for various reasons.

[LisaMallon]

Thanks for all your comments and support and ideas. You may not know it but it seriously it really helps me.

I am both scared of changing and scared of not changing.
Now, we older TS people who finally come to this point, after years of avoidance, discovery, lying (to ourselves and others), running away and all the rest, have to look at how we got through our lives.

Somehow we created 'coping' (survival?) methods, as well as we could. And there are as many different ways that we coped as there are different people. All very individual.
And some didn't and are no longer here, the victims, the lost ones.

My way was through my intellect. To study, to disassociate myself, to create 'firewalls' (against others and my own feelings). Even trained myself sexually (but that is another story entirely).
So I, who grew up in that hostile time of the 60s and 70, even the 80s, survived. And too a certain extent thrived.

I always think before I act, I always think before I feel. I have honed my reflexes, my avoidance tactics to a fine art. I am so good at it.
If someone even detects something under all that . I can raise the shutters so fast it is not funny. Then razzle dazzle them to distract them (I can give instant 30 minute lectures about history, economics, science, politics, etc .. great distractions .. don't get too close, phew escaped again).

But, that real me, 'bleeds through' at times. Funny, dogs really like me, because, as a close friend said "they know you have a warm heart", they are not distracted by my razzle dazzle intellectual stuff.
And other things come through at times. I am intensely loyal to people I care about .. and yet so easily hurt.
And so I have steadily built up up and more barriers over time .. and made myself more and more miserable.

Because under it all (and I know it well because I am me) there is intense passion, and caring and love and anger (at injustice) and kindness and touchiness and cuddleness. Not that you would know it of you met me (well you might get a hint at times).

And all of this was through, quite logical, self protection.

But the terrible cost. The the lost loves it has cost, the energy it has consumed. The friends who I have pushed away (and later cried because I pushed them away).

Survival, but not life.

I just want a chance (I expect I wont succeed, but I can hope and give it my best try) to be whole. Where these things are balanced, instead of skewed.

But this is what I know, so change is scary, I can't continue this way, but I am scared of changing, but I must change.

Otherwise what are my options, do slow suicide (ie drink myself to death), run away from everyone and everything? Push everyone away (part of me wants to do that and stay in my cave with my books and computers)?

This is the hardest thing I have ever done, even harder because I don't know how it is going to turn out, even harder because I have to tear down all those walls i have created (just within myself). And the riskiest, I might lose this intellectual 'survival hole' I have created (it might be dark and damp and lonely but it is mine and I have been here for a long time so it is like a home .. and the light both attracts and scares me).

But I have to do it, come what may. But I will agonise over it and, at times, part of me will will want to go back there.

[LeaP]

Good Lord, Lisa, you could be describing me. Of course, it just as well describes many of us!

The hardest challenge of all is always ourselves. I love your description of the hole, because it is so true that we love it more than we hate it.

It does take a lot of courage to move forward without control and certainty. I've barely started doing that. It is very freeing, though.

Great post. Thank you.

[LisaMallon]

I think Lea, in all our ways, we have done it. We survived but we lost life.

My example: I love to dance. I love dancing. In my male 'simulation' I usually never danced .. well I did sometimes.

Though when I got drunk enough I'd dance and dance. I'd dance with everyone, I'd get everyone else up to dance.

I want to dance again.

[sandra-leigh]

I over-analyze, and often do not know what I feel. But, transitioning is not primarily an intellectual matter and must be lead by feelings -- even if the planning and timing and the weighing of consequences require intellect, the need and direction comes from feeling. "Listen to your feelings!" is, for some of us, a difficult thing to do. :sad:

[ColleenA]

I am scared of changing, but I must change.


Lisa, stating that you are scared by the immense, intense process ahead of you tells me that your mental faculties are and will remain just fine. If you weren't scared, I would worry about you.


I want to dance again.

I smiled for you when I read that. I expect that not only will you dance again, but you will be happily surprised at how often and how much better you will find yourself dancing.

[LisaMallon]

Thanks Colleen. Must get some good dancing shoes ...lol. And learn to smile again.