So confused

[Sarah27]

I feel so alone, I only have my family who ignores me as I am and noone else. I go to work every day then go to my room at my parents house at age 27 and pretty much lock the door unless I need to interact with them. I sit around and watch movies that i've seen a hundred times and play games that I don't feel like playing till I drink too much dressed as a girl with makeup on sometimes and fall asleep, then wake up, clean everything up leave no evidence, lock everything up, even though I've told my whole family everything and go to work pretending everything's ok, wishing I was a girl all day jealous of all the girls I see dressed the way I wish I could, knowing that i'm plagued by this hell knowing that I can never be one of them but I am one of them in mind. Honestly my choices are to maintain this cycle of hell and trying not to think and being completely and utterly alone, or I change and know that most of the world will look at me with disgust and hate and I will probably feel worse and more self aware of how wrong everything is to the public. My need for approval may be sufficed by the few souls that understand and are sympathetic to my cause, but the majority of people that I seek approval from will not understand at all. So I have no choices, and am perpetually stuck in this purgatory of life where just living a normal life as a human being would be heaven. If only the public could understand what i'm going through, and have been for 27 years. I have considered suicide many times in the past but have never even come close to trying because I don't want anyone's pity, and I don't want to die no matter what because i'm athiest and I believe that there's nothing after death, except maybe through science somehow there is reincarnation, but being born into what I currently mentally am into a physical form after this life is about a 3 percent chance, and most likely my memories will not be intact. So the only reason I don't contemplate suicide is because I don't want to cease to exist, and the hope that there may be in the future some way to be immortal, transfer consciousness, avatars, etc... It is the reason I went to college for 5 years for physics and engineering so I could maybe find an answer one day. But now I've fallen into the pits of purgatory and cannot move.

[May(be)]

I'd be surprised if most of is on this forum haven't felt the same way you do at one point our another. I know that I, myself, have fallen into the depths of despair only to climb back out again and start anew. I don't think you've even begun to deal with this party of yourself. Something has got to give!

You need to get out of the house en femme. You need to find a local support group. Talk to you parents, a friend, someone you can find and confide in.

Mostly, though, realize that there's no shame in being who you are and the only person you have to please when you look in the mirror is yourself. As an athiest,, why aren't you making the most out of these cards you have been dealt? Is being whatever you are inside really worse than being whatever you really are? This life you have now is really a non-life and far too many of our kindhave lost this battle.

There's nothing wrong with you, this is just the condition of your life. Time to accept it and just MOVE ON with life! It can be so good! There is no shame. In fact, many people will admire your courage and meet you with kindness. You'll see.

[natacsha]

Uh oh...theres an engineer in the house!! Lol it's all a numbers game to you. That said, it's only a matter of time now before things start to work out for you. You've been knocking on doors for 27 years you say?? I think your overdue for an opening. If I could pose a question Sarah, do you really think that living full time as a girl is gonna change everything thats making you unhappy now? My point is, if youre not happy as a male how are you gonna be happy as a girl? You are what you are in either skin. Temporarily your sadness will be relieved because im sure a huge part of your depression and suicidal thoughts stem from not being able to be yourself, believe me when I say I know the feeling all too well and I still go through it daily but you have to try to make the best of whatever situation your in and if it's so bad you contemplate suicide then change your surroundings. And if you aren't actually suicidal because the cosmos hasn't revealed it's guarantee of an afterlife, I would highly begin to consider saving every penny towards cryogenics so you don't need to leave this place til your given a plan for where you go next. Put me down for one...hopefully a pink planet with pink clouds, pink water and....well...I think you get the point (feel free to join me lol) Just keep pursuing/pushing/pressing/persevering... Things normally don't just work themselves out by themselves, sometimes, physically putting the equation on paper allows you to see the details you may otherwise have overlooked. Hope this helps sweetheart. Message me if u wanna talk xoxoxo

[Diversity]

Hi Sarah,
After reading your post, I feel you need to get a grip on things. What you think about, you bring about. Don't be so down on yourself or on the world around you. You can't change the world, but you can change yourself. Step up and grab the bull by the horns. Take charge of your life and don't let anyone run it for you. You know how you are feeling and you know what you want to be, so may I suggest that you take the next step toward achieving your goal? Once you set a goal and start striving to achieve it, I believe the misery you are feeling will go away. If your family ignores you, perhaps you should move out and start a whole new life and surround yourself with people who will accept you for who you are.
You have proven yourself to be an intelligent and determined individual through your degrees. You can succeed. Take the first step, and know this forum will support you along the way. Good luck!
Di

[Dawn cd]

Sarah, you have the power to change your life. Take it in baby steps, for instance, go out for an evening instead of staying home. If not dressed, then go out partially dressed. Start talking to people. Go to places where you must talk. It would be a good idea to look up a therapist who are professional listeners, because it's not healthy to sit alone and contemplate suicide. In the long term, you need to get out of your parents' house....but that can wait. In the short term you need more relationships.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Sarah, That's a really heavy load for someone as young as you are to be carring around.
You really need ti talk to someone that can help, you sort things out.

[JenniferR771]

Something horrible happened in my wife's family. The mother is really having a hard time. Depressed. Blames herself. Going to a support group. Some days she can barely get through the day. Cries a lot for no reason. Find your own place. Tomorrow is a new day. Fun people and fun times are ahead.

[Karren H]

I've been an engineer for 37 years and purgatory just about sums it up pretty well.... Dilbert in a dress hanging out at Walls sticky note city...... fun....

life's what YOU make of it.... not what it make of you.... now stop feeling sorry for yourself and get your ass off the couch and go out and do something.....

[docrobbysherry]

Sarah, there's some wonderful advice sitting just above my post! If u CAN'T figure out how to move ahead and learn to appreciate all the wonders that r available to u, see someone that can point them out! An experienced, qualified counselor would be a good start!

My goodness, girl! You've your ENTIRE LIFE IN FRONT OF U! And, all u have to do to make it a completely happy one is to WANT THAT! Talking about your NEXT LIFE is like talking about your LAST LIFE! Did u enjoy that one? No idea? Forget about them both!

You've got ONE LIFE FOR SURE! Don't WASTE IT!

[sometimes_miss]

I feel so alone, I only have my family who ignores me as I am and noone else. I go to work every day then go to my room at my parents house at age 27 and pretty much lock the door unless I need to interact with them. I sit around and watch movies that i've seen a hundred times and play games that I don't feel like playing till I drink too much dressed as a girl with makeup on sometimes and fall asleep, then wake up, clean everything up leave no evidence, lock everything up, even though I've told my whole family everything and go to work pretending everything's ok, wishing I was a girl all day jealous of all the girls I see dressed the way I wish I could, knowing that i'm plagued by this hell knowing that I can never be one of them but I am one of them in mind. Honestly my choices are to maintain this cycle of hell and trying not to think and being completely and utterly alone, or I change and know that most of the world will look at me with disgust and hate and I will probably feel worse and more self aware of how wrong everything is to the public. My need for approval may be sufficed by the few souls that understand and are sympathetic to my cause, but the majority of people that I seek approval from will not understand at all. So I have no choices, and am perpetually stuck in this purgatory of life where just living a normal life as a human being would be heaven. If only the public could understand what i'm going through, and have been for 27 years. I have considered suicide many times in the past but have never even come close to trying because I don't want anyone's pity, and I don't want to die no matter what because i'm athiest and I believe that there's nothing after death, except maybe through science somehow there is reincarnation, but being born into what I currently mentally am into a physical form after this life is about a 3 percent chance, and most likely my memories will not be intact. So the only reason I don't contemplate suicide is because I don't want to cease to exist, and the hope that there may be in the future some way to be immortal, transfer consciousness, avatars, etc... It is the reason I went to college for 5 years for physics and engineering so I could maybe find an answer one day. But now I've fallen into the pits of purgatory and cannot move.
Sarah, I can sympathize with you. Supposedly 'gifted' with a genius I.Q., I always wondered if, hey, if I'm so smart, how come I can't figure out my life (I later came to realize that I.Q. tests don't measure everything, and that being able to be a human computer doesn't translate into the ability to deal with most real life problems)? But basically, what you wrote is very close to how I felt at your age. I don't know the answer; So far, no one here seems to, either. Crossdressing is such a deal breaker for nearly all women that finding a mate is all but impossible. Sure, you will find a number of guys here that have SO's that are accepting, even some who are enthusiastic about their guy dressing up as a girl, but these are the exception to the 'rule'. Some of the insights into the 'why's' of crossdressing, and how I've dealt with it are in my bio posts in the writers forum, the link is at the bottom of my post here, maybe you can read it and get an idea of how to cope with the life we have to live. Me, I only have one person in my life right now who accepts my being a crossdresser, but she's gay so is not a potential partner for me. For friends, gay women are probably your best bet, but trying to find one by just walking into a female gay bar isn't the way to do it. Keep your eyes open, and start conversations with women known to be gay, who otherwise are the type of person you'd date. She may wonder why you're interested in her since she is 'out', but if you make it clear you want to be friends for other reasons, she may be open to it. Not all gay women will befriend males; some of them either find us so repulsive, or untrustworthy, or are simply not comfortable being around us. But there are some. Also be aware, however, that since she is 'out', she may decide to out YOU because she thinks its best for you; women act impulsively, going with their feelings rather than logic, and then justify their behavior to themselves by trying to fit logical reasons for their actions and ignoring the reasons they shouldn't have done something! So be careful. Also, gay women often have straight female friends who are likely to be more accepting of alternative lifestyles, so you may find a straight female friend that way even if she makes it clear that your crossdressing is a deal breaker for her as well. But sometimes good friends is the best you can do, and 'friends with benefits' simply will never be an option. I hope this helped. Again, read my bio, there's several pages of information there that isn't appropriate for a forum thread like this one. Oh yeah, my way to deal with loneliness? Gogo dancer bars that allow lap dancing; once I make it clear that I'm not there for the 'bump and grind', but just to hold her, play with her hair, etc., the girls are usually very flexible as to what they'll allow you to do (DON'T EVER TOUCH HER BREASTS, ASS OR GENITALS!!!!!!!! Unless of course she takes you hand and places it there, which has happened to me a surprising number of times, but never on the first time I'm with her). Costs me a fortune, but gets me the physical affection I need, even if there's no sex involved, the comfort of a beautiful, affectionate girl does wonders; And at any given gogo bar, there's always at least one girl that will go home with you, again, for a price, and all the other dancers usually know who that girl is. I reconcile this behavior with this rational; I'm getting the physical affection I need; if I want sex, there are excort services that will even send a very pretty girl to my house. Cost? Well, I've been divorced, and let me tell you, it would have been cheaper to pay the dancers by the hour than what the divorce cost me. There's an upside, too, but you probably don't know this; you get to be alone when you want to; your house is your own, your time is your own, you always do what you want, when you want. You visit people you want to visit, not putting up with HER annoying family or friends.
So use your education to get a good job, and make enough money to have access to the women you need to, and pay for it 'by the hour' until you find someone for a more permanent arrangement should you decide to do so. Gogo dancers are always in it for the money, and often have a poor opinion of men who are their customers. But when they find out you're not the typical 'john', you may be treated differently. Any questions, message me here.

[Stephanie47]

Karen has given you the best advice, broken down into the basic verbiage. "Get the Hell out of Dodge!" I went back and read many of your posts. You need to break the bondage of living in a hostile environment. Get your own apartment. Cast off family and friends who are openly hostile to you. I read the post of how you mom and dad feel. That's totally disgusting.

I believe I read you were in counseling. Continue it. You need to accept yourself. Self loathing is destructive. I would be surprised if you tell me your counselor has not told you to get your own apartment.

The other issue I always see for any cross dresser, who is not a candidate for transitioning to a female, is to compartmentalize the cross dressing. There is a time and place for everything. I think every cross dresser has to realize society is not going to openly embrace a guy in a dress. Make a list of the things that need changing in your life. Start by eliminating the most stressful. Find an outlet, such as a support group, that will give you quality personal time.

[kimdl93]

Sarah, you've gotten a lot of good advice here. I would recommend that you read each and every one of these comments again, reflect on what we're all telling you, then ACT on the advice. You have the ability and the opportunity to create a life for yourself ...and put aside all that silly nonsense about any kind of future life through metaphysical or technological means. You have a life now...so start using it.

[Sarah27]

Thanks for all the advice, I appreciate it. I honestly can't function enough to implement any of this right now, but I will give it thought.