And then the fall.......

[Amy R Lynn]

Well.... it's been a week since I told my GF about Amy. She went camping with some friends over the weekend and had some time to think about it. She told me tonight that its a deal breaker. Its not something that she would be comfortable with. Its not that she isn't accepting, but she just isn't attracted to that. With that being a part of who I am, there is a part that she isn't attracted to. She said that she still would like to be friends with me, and not being friends would be a tragedy. She even said that she would like to go out as friends while I'm dressed sometime. So.... at least I still have a friend.

While I'm glad that I have gotten that part out of the way early. I'm still really feeling down and critical of myself. I knew that this was one of the possible outcomes. better now than later. Its just so damned depressing having something like this be the straw that broke the camels back. She said she likes everything else about me. That didn't make this any easier....

Every guy in the world would be ok if his girl put on a pair of jeans, a flannel shirt, ball cap, and no makeup. She could look manly as she wanted to. We would be ok with that. In a lot of cases that would even be considered sexy, but a dude in a dress is just a freak. Its such a double standard. Wish it wasn't so.... Preaching to the choir. I know.

I'm a little upset about this, but glad that it wasn't after we were married (no offense to anyone who is married and trying to come out!) Or a year down the road. She did tell me that she was glad I told her so early on. I'm not sure where to go with this.... Don't worry I'm not thinking of doing anything dumb. I'm not that upset or emotional, but still a little upset about it all. :drink::drink::drink:

I know there are women out there that can accept me. I just wonder if I'll ever find one before I'm old and decrepit. Maybe I'm suppossed to be alone...

[UNDERDRESSER]

Man that sucks. Feel bad for you. I still think you did the right thing. When you can face it, maybe arange one of those "dress up dates" let her see you in your "female" persona, maybe she'll see it isn't the freak show she fears?

Not suggesting you keep hope alive for that, but, it could happen.

My friend and i have actually moved onto something more, not telling you that to make you feel bad, or jealous, but just to say, there are girls who don't get turned off when they see your panties!

[Nataliebabe]

So sorry to hear that things didnt work out Amy. Good on ya for being honest with her! There are plenty of fish in the sea. Someday the right one will come along. The "friend" thing is sometimes tough to do. I was once told, "Always try to make at least on friend wherever you go".

[jessicapaige]

Every guy in the world would be ok if his girl put on a pair of jeans, a flannel shirt, ball cap, and no makeup. She could look manly as she wanted to. We would be ok with that. In a lot of cases that would even be considered sexy, but a dude in a dress is just a freak. Its such a double standard. Wish it wasn't so.... Preaching to the choir. I know.


It really is quite the double standard... maybe we should all move to Thailand where every style is celebrated.

I'm sorry to hear things went that way for you. It sounds like you have the best attitude anyone could expect at a time like this... and you're far from old and decrepit.

[molly1985]

At least she said she can still be friends with you. If I read this right, she did mention that she wanted to see you in your womens clothes? Maybe that will turn things around, who knows. You did the right thing though. Anything is possible if you put your mind too it. Dont be so upset about it. You gotta remember though that she still wants to be friends, you never lost your friendship with her. Sorry it didnt work out the way we all hope for though. Take care.

[Michelle V]

Curse the friends, pretty sure she brought it up to her friends and got a bunch of opinions that influenced her decision. I would defenetly take her up on going out with Amy, it may be hard for your male side but great for Amy, who knows maybe she will come around and enjoy all of you, if not at least you will have a friend to go out with, win win situation from where I'm standing

[Bree Wagner]

Amy,

I'm sorry to hear that it didn't end up the way you were hoping but it sounds like you're handling it really well. Even though it didn't work out having a friend and ally can be invaluable. You'll find someone right soon enough.

Good luck!

-Bree

[docrobbysherry]

Amy, u have a wonderful attitude about this! Many guys would beg, hang around, drive the girl crazy just because she wants to remain friends! However, u clearly see what she means. It's over! And, she's just being nice! I know folks that have gone from being friends to lovers, but NEVER the other way around!

Here's something u MAY NOT KNOW! I'll bet your dressing WASN'T the deal breaker! Rather, it was the straw that broke the camel's back. As u so aptly stated! Meaning there were LOT'S of other issues that worried her BEFORE she found out about your CDing!

When it's not rite, it's simply NOT RITE! And, no amount of unilateral effort by ONE PARTY in a relationship will make it work!

U and her BOTH seem very mature! I think you'll go on to have happy, successful lives! Keep in touch with her! See if I'm rite!?

[Amy R Lynn]

Yeah, its not the end of the world. I plan on taking her up on the offer of going out with Amy sometime. I think it would be fun! But its still very disappointing.. I can't help that I'm not overly happy about the end result. But I appreciate her honesty. At least she thought it over, and considered it. she didn't just run away sreaming when I told her.

And actually, she didn't tell any of her friends.

[Amy Fakley]

I'm so sorry to hear this, it's gotta be a tough thing to take.
As others have said (and I'm sure I won't be the last) ... it's for the best ... you'll find one that loves both sides of you and it will be wonderful for you both in ways this one never could have been. Hang in there ... and don't have to many drinks LOL (hangover's a biatch!) :)

[max]

And actually, she didn't tell any of her friends.

You know that how? She told you? :D

Sorry but the timing of this just screams differently.

[Amy R Lynn]

Amy, u have a wonderful attitude about this! Many guys would beg, hang around, drive the girl crazy just because she wants to remain friends!

I always love your insight Sherry! I have always had the mindset that I don't want to force or convince a girl to be with me. I want her to be with me because that's what she wants. I have seen so many people beg and plead to try and keep someone with them. It really just makes it so much harder for both of them.

I agree, it just wasn't meant to be. There were other things that just weren't going to work as well. It does make me sad, but I'll be ok.

[Amy R Lynn]

You know that how? She told you? :D

Sorry but the timing of this just screams differently.

Agreed. I told her that I was suprised that she didn't tell any of her friends. but either way.... The friends that she was camping with were a bunch of gay men. If anyone could understand they would have! LOL

[Cynthia Anne]

Amy I feel for you! I hope there is some relationship left for you two! But remember someone must accept you for who you are for it to be true love! The best to you girl! Hugs!

[Kyndrie]

I'm sorry to hear that. I agree that there has to be women out there who would be accepting of your desires. Tomorrow is another day. :)

[kellycan27]

It really is quite the double standard... maybe we should all move to Thailand where every style is celebrated.

I'm sorry to hear things went that way for you. It sounds like you have the best attitude anyone could expect at a time like this... and you're far from old and decrepit.

Sad as it may be... it's not a double standard, but rather a personal choice and a personal preference. I applaud the OP for giving his g/f the right to choose up front as to what she may or may not have been comfortable with in an SO.

[bridget thronton]

You did the right thing - it would be awful to have to hide that part of you

[KlaireLarnia]

Every guy in the world would be ok if his girl put on a pair of jeans, a flannel shirt, ball cap, and no makeup. She could look manly as she wanted to. We would be ok with that. In a lot of cases that would even be considered sexy, but a dude in a dress is just a freak. Its such a double standard. Wish it wasn't so.... Preaching to the choir. I know.

Sorry to cast a negative aspect but if it was a case of wearing female clothes she may have been able to handle that. That would be the equivalent of her wearing your clothes which you rightly say would not be an issue. But you (by all accounts) present as a female and act accordingly. I think that is where her issue may have laid. It is not double standards, but just that you (and I am not criticising you here) have taken it a step beyond just wearing female clothes to wanting to appear and act female. That could be her issue, not the dressing.

I know a lot of people won't like me for saying that, but it what I think and it is worth considering.

[RachelPortugal]

Sorry to cast a negative aspect but if it was a case of wearing female clothes she may have been able to handle that. That would be the equivalent of her wearing your clothes which you rightly say would not be an issue. But you (by all accounts) present as a female and act accordingly. I think that is where her issue may have laid. It is not double standards, but just that you (and I am not criticising you here) have taken it a step beyond just wearing female clothes to wanting to appear and act female. That could be her issue, not the dressing.

I know a lot of people won't like me for saying that, but it what I think and it is worth considering.

I tend to agree with Klaire here.

Although this does pose the question as to what is the difference between "just crossdressing" and "presenting as female". I know that my wife initially expressed concern about wigs and breastforms, but accepted that it was only an extension to wearing female clothes and that I had no desire to transition.

Amy, as your now ex-girlfriend is still happy to go out with you as girls together, she may well in time see the extent to which you intend to take your crossdressing and who knows, romance may blossom again when she gets to know the other side of you.

[Sandra]

Every guy in the world would be ok if his girl put on a pair of jeans, a flannel shirt, ball cap, and no makeup. She could look manly as she wanted to.


But....she would not be trying to present as a male, she wouldn't be packing to try and create a bugle, or have facial hair or have a binder to cover her boobs. You on the other hand are presenting as a woman.

I am sorry that this has happened, but better now than years down the line for both of you.

[Jenniferathome]

If there is any silver lining here, it is that you did the right thing. I had this discussion with my wife and her comment was that coming out really early in a relationship, while the most fair, also comes at a time when the woman has the least vested in the relationship. It makes it easier to bail out just to avoid the hassle of dealing with it. Remember there are women out there who can handle this. Keep looking.

[May(be)]

From what I've heard (from legends and lore), going to a gay club en femme attracts lots of female attention... the good kind, I mean. Maybe you can meet that new person dressed so that it isn't even an issue from the first moment of the relationship. That is to say, unless she expects you to present female all the time, and you don't, and then she is like "What happened to dressing as a woman? I don't want a man who isn't a woman!"

You know what? Relationships are really hard!

[Marlana]

Amy, maybe you just need to connect as friends and she can see that she could love all of you. Sometimes it has to work backwards.

[Raychel]

Sorry to hear that she see's this as a deal breaker. But you are wise to get this out in the open now, Before you have built a life together and then find this out, How many time haveyou heard about people that have been married for years and ended up divorced over this.

So congrats to you for taking the right steps. even is she isn't "The One"
the right one will come along. :hugs:

[Amy R Lynn]

Sorry to cast a negative aspect but if it was a case of wearing female clothes she may have been able to handle that. That would be the equivalent of her wearing your clothes which you rightly say would not be an issue. But you (by all accounts) present as a female and act accordingly. I think that is where her issue may have laid. It is not double standards, but just that you (and I am not criticising you here) have taken it a step beyond just wearing female clothes to wanting to appear and act female. That could be her issue, not the dressing.

I know a lot of people won't like me for saying that, but it what I think and it is worth considering.

I for one like that you were willing to put that out there. I agree with you! It is not the same. I was venting a bit. It really doesn't even have anything to do with why she broke up with me. It is more because she can't see herself being with a woman. But I still think there is a double standard here. Imagine a guy wearing a dress who wasn't trying to pass. It wouldn't go well for the poor fella. In fact it wouldn't be very safe either.

[jenny76]

I'm in a similar situation, and as much as it can be a relief and essential to get it out of the way, its not always easy either. But I'm learning how important it is to be honest with a SO as early as possible. I think its awesome if you take her up on her offer, and I hope it works out. Even friendships can be a big thing, maybe a great thing..

[Amy R Lynn]

From what I've heard (from legends and lore), going to a gay club en femme attracts lots of female attention... the good kind, I mean. Maybe you can meet that new person dressed so that it isn't even an issue from the first moment of the relationship. That is to say, unless she expects you to present female all the time, and you don't, and then she is like "What happened to dressing as a woman? I don't want a man who isn't a woman!"

You know what? Relationships are really hard!

That is a good point too. Maybe meeting a girl while out en femm could be a great way to find someone who is accepting. But like you said there could be catches there too! As if dating wasn't already complicated, then we have this piece that most guys don't. LOL Somehow we'll figure it out though.

[kimdl93]

Amy, add my voice to the chorus - I'm sorry that this hasn't particular relationship didn't go as you'd hoped, but I applaud your honesty and openness and really I applaud hers. She didn't run screaming away. Just expressed her feelings. I would definitely take advantage of her offer and spend some time with her as friends. On the one hand, it may not change her perspective on you, but you'll continue to builld another kind of bond with her. A lifetime friend is worth having in and of itself. And you may also have the opportunity to build a network of friends that see you as Amy. Best of luck!

[becky77]

I feel for you, telling my so was the hardest thing I ever did. It was also early in our relationship and she still chose to marry me. She still has her problems with it but I am lucky.
All I can say is that Amy forms part of your personality and someone will love you for that, just not this time.

Good luck.

[JeanneF]

Every guy in the world would be ok if his girl put on a pair of jeans, a flannel shirt, ball cap, and no makeup. She could look manly as she wanted to. We would be ok with that. In a lot of cases that would even be considered sexy, but a dude in a dress is just a freak. Its such a double standard. Wish it wasn't so.... Preaching to the choir. I know.

I'm not trying to nitpick, but I just wanted to comment on this statement, since it's a common complaint on this board.

It's not the same. If my wife wears a pair of my (boy) jeans or a t-shirt, she's not calling herself "Steve" and talking about it on a message board.

If a woman chooses to look manly. then she does catch a lot of flack. As any butch lesbian or transman. They get just as much shit as we do, maybe more because they are more willing to present themselves in public where too many CDs choose to stay at home in the closet.

[KarenCDFL]

Hi Amy,

I applaud you for being honest your your friend. You have saved yourself possibly a lifetime of grief.

I told my now wife of 17 years, 3 months after we met and luckily it all worked out but if it had not, I don't know if we would have stayed together.

[Nicole Erin]

Agreed. I told her that I was suprised that she didn't tell any of her friends. but either way.... The friends that she was camping with were a bunch of gay men. If anyone could understand they would have! LOL

Sounds like you had a (hag who hangs around gay men) on your hands. Those type of women are bad news. Gay men (and lesbians for that matter) are seldom our allies. Just cause they call it "GLBT" does not mean they openly accept us, just less likely to get violent with us. I guess assuming we are allies with GLB would be the same as assuming that any two minority groups are allied just cause they are both minority. If someone is gay or lesbian it is one thing but when they are all about the so-called community, they act way different.

Be glad you are not with her. Sure the breaking up sucks but that will soon pass.
With the whole "we can still be friends" you know well that is BS. We all have heard or used that line since at least middle school. It is a weird way of saying, "I know I may be crushing your heart here but i don't want to have to deal with any ramifications".

[Stephanie47]

If there is any silver lining here, it is that you did the right thing. I had this discussion with my wife and her comment was that coming out really early in a relationship, while the most fair, also comes at a time when the woman has the least vested in the relationship. It makes it easier to bail out just to avoid the hassle of dealing with it. Remember there are women out there who can handle this. Keep looking.

I am completely in agreement with your wife's viewpoint. However, it seems the more a wife has invested in a marriage, the more likely the wife is to at least accept that part of her man. Now, I do NOT means she actively engages in his cross dressing, but, she knows this is only a small part of her husband. My wife and I are into a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" marriage. We got past the hurdle of discovery/revelation. I know her baggage and faults. She knows mine. No one is perfect. And, I do NOT throw my cross dressing in her face. I do NOT push the issue by intruding into her personal space.

When a young woman in a new relationship finds out her boyfriend is a cross dresser, one of the reasons for bailing out is her fear that acceptance is a reflection on her. What will her family and friends think about her? Not just what she feels about him!

[DebbieL]

Well.... it's been a week since I told my GF about Amy. She went camping with some friends over the weekend and had some time to think about it. She told me tonight that its a deal breaker. Its not something that she would be comfortable with. Its not that she isn't accepting, but she just isn't attracted to that. With that being a part of who I am, there is a part that she isn't attracted to. She said that she still would like to be friends with me, and not being friends would be a tragedy. She even said that she would like to go out as friends while I'm dressed sometime. So.... at least I still have a friend.

The good part is that, if she has discussed it with her friends, you may have a network of women friends who may be fixing you up with a woman who is bisexual, someone who will LOVE that you are transgendered, and will celebrate BOTH your man and your woman, or may even want to support you in transition if that's where you ultimately want to go. This is something you might want to think about for yourself. Do you want to only cross-dress around the house, be able to pass in public, only go clubbing, or be able to live full time as a woman? If you are completely honest with yourself now, you won't have to get wrapped up in the complications of denial and deception later on. A good approach is to write down, using pen and paper, your ideal week or at least an ideal week-end. Include your time at work, getting ready to go out to something basic like dinner and shopping, and going to a club or social event. The reason you want to do it with a pen and paper is that you have to focus more intently for a longer time, when you are done, you can see how you feel emotionally as you write different sections.

You might also consider making some public appearances, and listening for feedback from other women, including beauty tips and make-up advice, as well as coaching on posture, voice, vocabulary, and if possible, just listen to how women talk to each other, and what they talk about. Some women will want nothing to do with you, others will want to get to know you as a friend, especially if you acknowledge and compliment them, making them feel good about themselves. You also want to observe the less glamorous and less beautiful women, because they have mastered strategies that help them compete with women who are naturally beautiful and/or focus on beauty and depend primarily on looks to get what they want.


While I'm glad that I have gotten that part out of the way early. I'm still really feeling down and critical of myself. I knew that this was one of the possible outcomes. better now than later. Its just so damned depressing having something like this be the straw that broke the camels back. She said she likes everything else about me. That didn't make this any easier....

Actually, it was probably an unavoidable outcome, since you had not shared Amy with others prior to sharing with your GF. Very often transgenders who are still keeping their feminine side secret will attempt to protect their secret by acting more masculine and by trying to avoid being viewed as feminine. Often this is because we grew up with violence as children, and were assumed to be gay in high school and college, and subjected to "don't ask, don't tell" in the workplace.


Every guy in the world would be ok if his girl put on a pair of jeans, a flannel shirt, ball cap, and no makeup. She could look manly as she wanted to. We would be ok with that. In a lot of cases that would even be considered sexy, but a dude in a dress is just a freak. Its such a double standard. Wish it wasn't so.... Preaching to the choir. I know.

This is a good thing to point out when people ask why you have to look like a woman. I remember growing up at a time when the girls were required to wear dresses or skirts to school, and girls wearing pants was actually forbidden. The length of the skirts was also regulated, with limits on how short and long a skirt could be. In the winter, they had to wear thick wooly tights, and in the summer, working women were not required to wear sheer hosiery. In school, the girls could wear hose or socks, but were not allowed to go without one or the other.

Women's liberation has given women far more freedom and far more options at every level than those available to men. In many ways, this is the one thing that remains in limiting women's rights, and improving pay parity. Women have lots of different options, but men still have fewer options. It's not only in how we are required to dress, but there are also social pressures to be the primary provider of resources, the primary income earner, and to be the protector. Boys and young men are still encouraged to be more violent, to be more directly competitive and to think in "I must win, you must lose" terms, and to always think in terms of ranking and status. Some of this is natural behavior instinctive to male mammals. On the other hand, as we become more civilized and live in more densely populated cities, there is a shift from the focus on strength, violence, and physical competition to intellect, cooperation, teaming for success, and empowerment and enablement. Even within the military, the needs of the battle has shifted from ordering hordes of men to march into nests of machine guns - into certain death, to intelligence, observation, target identification, and then making very precise and accurate strikes, often using remotely piloted drones.

Even the skills of infantry has shifted from running into the field where everyone is out to kill you and everyone you see is a target, to distinguishing hostile versus neutral or friendly targets, high tech targets, and functioning as a team focused on hurting or killing as few people as possible, and only those who are actual and immediate threats.

Perhaps the growth of the TG community and the increase in number of out transgenders and transsexuals is a natural "evolution" of humanity and of men, having more males who are less violent - which society associates with femininity. Some of the medical and biological research has shown that as population densities increase, or natural stress levels are increased - there is a decrease in aggression and more aggressive males are often rejected. In studies of rats, they found that as densities increased the more aggressive males were driven away or even killed by groups threatened by the would-be "Alpha" males.


I'm a little upset about this, but glad that it wasn't after we were married (no offense to anyone who is married and trying to come out!) Or a year down the road. She did tell me that she was glad I told her so early on. I'm not sure where to go with this.... Don't worry I'm not thinking of doing anything dumb. I'm not that upset or emotional, but still a little upset about it all. :drink::drink::drink:

Many of us turn to booze, or drugs, to numb the pain. In my own case, I would even drink myself into black-outs and during the black-outs my feminine personality would come out. Sometimes she was a ****, other times a b**ch with a nasty mouth and way too much attitude. Some of the memories didn't come back until I learned to meditate and I had embraced my feminine. Today, that feminine side has a name - Debbie. Debbie has been part of my life for 50 years, and while sober, I could "keep her under control", but when drunk, stoned, and high on other prescription and recreational drugs, Debbie would take control - and fight like hell to make sure that I could not just stuff her back into the closet. When she went into b**ch mode, it was often crazy and potentially self-destructive - as if Debbie was saying "If you won't let me out, I'll have somebody kill you".


I know there are women out there that can accept me. I just wonder if I'll ever find one before I'm old and decrepit. Maybe I'm suppossed to be alone...

There are women out there who will not only just accept you, but would be THRILLED to be able to have someone they can share their own fantasies of feminizing a man with. Many women get very frustrated with men who are too masculine or have their masculinity threatened any time she even starts to take control. If you are willing to be more feminine and let her take more control, she might actually be more than happy to let you be her girl-friend, and may even ask you to take on feminine roles in terms of housework, finances, and even in the bedroom. If you are willing to go along for the ride, you may find yourself in a wonderfully happy relationship.

One thing to consider is that you may want to be open to a wide variety of women, rather than only the most feminine and "beautiful". Often, women who are "tom-boys" or are bisexual are more open to a femme boyfriend and lover. She may also be more inclined to dress "situation appropriate", but with a focus on comfort. She might wear flats, even casual wear to work and social events, then get hot and creative and sexy in the bedroom. At the same time, if she wants to take you out in femme mode, she might want to swap gender roles - with her being the boy, the protector, and the one in control.

To a typical "man's man" who has no transgender leanings - this would be a huge threat and even repulsive. To a transgender, someone who has learned to appreciate the pleasures of being sensitive, vulnerable, and being seduced - a woman who can take control, or can take turns being in control can be incredibly exciting.

[Alice B]

Like everone else I'm sorry to hear about what happened to you. But, I commend you on both the fact that you were upfront with her and how you have accepted the outcome. It is not easy, but far better in the long run. The right woman will come along. Take her up on going out together and if she is sincere about doing this with you a good friend will be made.

[sometimes_miss]

Every guy in the world would be ok if his girl put on a pair of jeans, a flannel shirt, ball cap, and no makeup. She could look manly as she wanted to. We would be ok with that. In a lot of cases that would even be considered sexy, but a dude in a dress is just a freak. Its such a double standard.
It's not a double standard; women who wear what is typical male clothing as you mentioned usually aren't trying to appear as men. They wear that clothing because it's more appropriate for what they're doing, as opposed to us, who are trying to appear as women.
Women wear jeans and flannel shirts in such a way that it's very clear that they are women, and there are 'male type' clothing made that is cut for a female figure. Just as there are kilts which are basically skirts, which are designed for a male figure, so if you want the proper analogy, wear a fancy scottish outfit with a kilt; but that won't give you the self image of a female that you want.
And as far as the old 'women's clothes are more comfortable than mens' are', argument, it's false. Ask any woman how comfortable bras and corsets, high heels are. A man's fine suit with well made shoes that fit are VERY comfortable, but lots of crossdressers don't get the feeling they want from ANY men's clothes, so they think female clothes feel better, at least from an emotional point of view.

[JamieG]

Amy, I am so sorry to hear of this. This is probably of little comfort, but this is not the first-time an SO has flip-flopped on CDing. When I first told my wife, she was completely cool with it and suggested we go out with me en femme, the next morning she was yelling and threatening divorce. Since then we have had ups and down: sometimes she's very supportive other times we have a huge fight about it. I can say that you did the right thing by telling her now, the one thing that still nags at my wife is that I waited over a year after marriage to come out to her. Note, this is not meant to be a slam on SOs. There is a great thread called something like "Now I like it, now I don't" which explains the phenomenon from a GG's perspective.

With you ex, I suggest that you continue to be friendly, but don't make yourself too available. If your relationship was truly strong, she may find herself missing you and be willing to come back and reach some compromise on the CDing. I would also caution you against getting to wrapped up in the Pink Fog bandwagon just because no one is holding you back. Take care of yourself, first and foremost, but do so deliberately and not recklessly. After a sufficient cooling off period, dive back into the dating pool. I can tell from your posts that you are a kind and thoughtful person. Any woman would be lucky to have you.

[katie_barns]

I understand the double standard. GG's have a lot more freedom that we do. One of my wife's issues is she says she wants a man's man, not a girly man. Yet she prefers to wear jeans and tee's, very little makeup and probably only owns 1 dress. I did make the mistake of saying once, I wanted a girly girl. It got ugly after that, but we did compromise.
I am sorry that she can't accept you as you are. Please don't fret. There is someone for everyone. You will find her.

[EllieOPKS]

I think it would make good sense that you dress up on the first date with any girl you find appealing. That way if she is not accepting you don't take the chance of building a friendship and connection to the girl. Not to sound mean but when I read your post, it gave me the impression that dressing up was more important than a relationship with this girl.

[PretzelGirl]

I feel you did the right thing Amy, whether it feels that way right now or not. In the long run, you may be glad you took this approach. But rather than repeat everyone, I just wanted to give you this. :hugs:

[Amy R Lynn]

Sounds like you had a (hag who hangs around gay men) on your hands. Those type of women are bad news. Gay men (and lesbians for that matter) are seldom our allies. Just cause they call it "GLBT" does not mean they openly accept us, just less likely to get violent with us. I guess assuming we are allies with GLB would be the same as assuming that any two minority groups are allied just cause they are both minority. If someone is gay or lesbian it is one thing but when they are all about the so-called community, they act way different.

Be glad you are not with her. Sure the breaking up sucks but that will soon pass.
With the whole "we can still be friends" you know well that is BS. We all have heard or used that line since at least middle school. It is a weird way of saying, "I know I may be crushing your heart here but i don't want to have to deal with any ramifications".

I can say that over the last two months I have gotten to know her quite well. Her offer of friendship seemed very sincere. She isn't the type of person that would make an offer like that just to be kind. She would have said we need to part ways and left it at that. I think that is the lawyer part in her. She is usually very direct with her intent. I agree that many people use that as the I don't want to be the bad person way of breking things off. but... I'm going to find. I plan on taking her up on her offer of friendship. Then I wil know for sure whether you are right or not. I have a feeling that you are not. But I have been warned!

As for having gay friends, I don't know how they are towards the Tranny side. I have yet to find out.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Amy, It's a much better thing that you did now rather than later.

[Amy R Lynn]

As for the double standard thing I posted. I agree that what we do is completly different. It is not the same. But there is a double standard in there. A man just wearing a dress and not trying to pass would not go over well at all. I wrote that while I was venting. It really doesn't even have a thing to do with why my GF broke things off with me.

I also agree that it was far better to tell her early on, than to wait any longer. At the least I may have a very understanding friend that could help lead me to another SO.

I'm really not looking forward to dating again anytime soon. I'm not the type that has to have someone with me. I'm good at being a loner. It is so much less complicated! So I plan on taking a break from dating for a while.

However, when I do start dating again. Should I list my status as Bisexual? I have no desire to have a relationship with a man. I (like many of you here) have had fantasies about having sex with a man. However, I don't know if I could when it came down to doing the deed! I just think I probably would have a better chance with a Bi woman who could appreciate Amy.

[heatherdress]

Amy - As bad as you might feel, you will move on and find someone else. You did the right thing and learned a lot about yourself and relationships. Don't be bitter. Enjoy being you. When you meet your next girlfirend, introduce her to you and don't get hung up on your crossdressing. Your next girlfriend should love you for who you are, not because of the clothes you wear. If she accepts your crossdressing, it will be because she cares for you and because she knows it brings you joy. Don't hide your crossdressing but don't make it more important than she would be. I doubt you will find anyone who is "attracted to your crossdressing" but you will find someone who is "attracted to you" and accepting or tolerant of your habits. Sorry you feel so bad.

[Amanda22]

You definitely handled everything correctly and admirably. If this had been me, I'd agree with her that being friends was OK, but I wouldn't pursue it. It hurts, right? It wouldn't work for me. Don't get stuck in a rut of being friends with you hoping for more. Smells like rejection. It's like a person saying they're all for halfway houses but not next door to them. So they're not in favor of them. If she supported you, this wouldn't be a deal breaker. It's easier for her to pretend her support if you're "just friends." Screw that. Move on. You WILL find what you're looking for, and it'll be better than this ever could have been.

[Flent]

Should I list my status as Bisexual?

Not unless you want to date men. You don't have to be bisexual to date bisexual women.

[Amy R Lynn]

Not unless you want to date men. You don't have to be bisexual to date bisexual women.

Very true. Point taken. Thanks

[Marie-Elise]

That sucks. But you will get over it and find what you need.

[Beverley Sims]

At least the deal breaker was earlier than later.
Take time before you look again, go out with friends and get a little of the social life before you met her.
No don't go gay, that is not you.
Strike up another relationship when you calm down.

[Amy R Lynn]

You definitely handled everything correctly and admirably. If this had been me, I'd agree with her that being friends was OK, but I wouldn't pursue it. It hurts, right? It wouldn't work for me. Don't get stuck in a rut of being friends with you hoping for more. Smells like rejection. It's like a person saying they're all for halfway houses but not next door to them. So they're not in favor of them. If she supported you, this wouldn't be a deal breaker. It's easier for her to pretend her support if you're "just friends." Screw that. Move on. You WILL find what you're looking for, and it'll be better than this ever could have been.

If I have one harsh trait about myself its that I have never given any GF a second chance. I haven't felt that the motivations of why they wanted me to give them a second chance were right. So I usually don't go back once its over. I'm not going to fall into the rut of hoping for more. I don't see that happening. Its just not me. I have been friends with my Ex's before, and its fine. I'm going to pursue the friendship. If she really didn't want to be friends I don't think it would have been an offer at all. I appreciate everyone's concern about this, but you have to remember I know her. I have my own opinion about her based on my interactions with her, and how she interacts with others. There are some women out there that would be shallow enough to use the "I'm going to be nice and dump him with the lets be friends routine". She really isn't one of those. Maybe its the lawyer in her, but she is usually very honest and direct about her intent.

Besides if she will be my friend, then I have another GG in my corner when I go out as Amy! I could always use another GG friend for Amy.

[Lee Andrews]

I for one like that you were willing to put that out there. I agree with you! It is not the same. I was venting a bit. It really doesn't even have anything to do with why she broke up with me. It is more because she can't see herself being with a woman. But I still think there is a double standard here. Imagine a guy wearing a dress who wasn't trying to pass. It wouldn't go well for the poor fella. In fact it wouldn't be very safe either.

This to me is the double standard. I would love to walk out the front door wearing a skirt, T-shirt, flip flops with painted toes and a three day old beard. It is comfortable wearing a skirt on a nice summer day with no thoughts of trying to "Be" a woman.
On the other hand my beautiful wife can walk out the front door all dressed to the nines or hair thrown back in a ponytail with a touch of make-up on, old shirt of mine and a pair of my shorts because we are working in the yard, to run up to the mini-mart to get milk and no one would look at her twice.
If you are trying to present yourself as a female that is a different story. I would never like it if she tried to pass as a guy, as I jokingly try to do as a girl. That is why she rarely ever see's me fully dressed, I don't think its fair to her unless she asks for Lee to come out. Which happens very rarely.

By the way it was the right thing to do Amy. Nothing worse than keeping it hidden. I told my wife way before we married that I do this and left it up to her to decide if she wanted to continue on. Lucky for me she did. You will find that right someone that loves all of you, it's not easy but it will be easier on you in the end. Having to hide this from someone you love has to be one of the hardest things to do.

[reb.femme]

Hi Amy,

Reading the others' comments, the correct course of action IMHO is the friend route, if it is genuinely available. She doesn't want to go on, whatever her reasons and you appear to have accepted this, no matter how painful this is initially. My heart goes out to you.

Rebecca x

[Aprilrain]

It's over! And, she's just being nice! I know folks that have gone from being friends to lovers, but NEVER the other way around!

Here's something u MAY NOT KNOW! I'll bet your dressing WASN'T the deal breaker! Rather, it was the straw that broke the camel's back. As u so aptly stated! Meaning there were LOT'S of other issues that worried her BEFORE she found out about your CDing!


so true Doc, so true


And actually, she didn't tell any of her friends.

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:
yeah right!

[Rachel Rage]

Hi there I just your post and even though I'm new out here I just wanted to say I was sorry. I was with my wife for 2 years before I told her. She told me she already knew and had been wondering when I would come right out and say it. Since then we have spent what little free time we have together turning me into the woman I want to be. There are women and men out there who are very supportive it just takes some time to find them.

[Alice B]

While it won't change anything, I can understand why she took the position she did. She is a lawyer and if your dressing were to known in her professional circles it would be an embarassement for her. My wife is also an attorney and that was her major fear when I came out to her. Over time that fear has gone away as I've shown her that she has nothing to fear, but it is still there.

[Regan]

Amy

Good luck finding that woman who will accept Amy. I have the added issue that I am married with kids and my wife has told me she does not want to have anything to do with Regan. So I so not know where are marraige is going to end up but I am with a therapist and dealing with the fact that I cannot give up dressing. So sorry about the GF and take care.

Regan

[5150 Girl]

Well, it's best that you got it out of the way early in the relationship. Imagine if you had waited untill you were engagaged and she called it a deal breaker,, of what if you had gotten married? Had kids... Yes, the earlier the better.

[Miranda-E]

Its not that she isn't accepting,

thats exactly what not accepting means

She said that she still would like to be friends with me,

good luck with that.

[Emily359]

I had a similar experience with my ex. Things were great and I told her about myself early on because I didn't want things to get serious without her really knowing me. She acted like it was fine and then a week or so later, it was over. She said we were better as friends.

It's been over a year now, and I've come to think she was right about that. She's my best friend and my roommate. Things don't have to turn out badly just because two people aren't right for one another.

I've also been testing the waters on online dating sites (being completely up-front about my crossdressing) and found a bunch of girls who accept people like us. There's still hope for you to find someone who really accepts and loves you for who you are.

On a related note, the thing that hurt most about my breakup was that she hid how she felt. When she finally burst, it probably hurt so much more than if she'd just told me right away. I tend to think that it works the same way with crossdressing. If you find someone you're interested in, let her know as soon as possible. If it won't work, at least you'll know right away and things won't be as bad as if you surprise her late in the relationship. On the other hand, if she's fine with it then you've strengthened your bond with her by opening up and trusting her.

[Jacqueline Winona]

Sorry to hear about this, try not to beat yourself up too much over how it happened or why, you used your best judgment on how to react and it just didn't work out the way you wanted. Finding a SO who truly accepts CD is like winning the lottery, it isn't impossible but it's awfully hard to do.

[Amy R Lynn]

Thanks for the wordsof support everyone! I know this was the right thing to do. It had to be done. Hurt? Yes! But not hurt a bad as it would have been had I hid this for a long time and then found out that this ended my relationship with her. Much better now than later!

I plan on trying the friend route! I'm sincere about it. And if that doesn't work out, then at least I tried.

To be honest I don't really care if her friends know that I have a womanly side to me. I figure this is something that I'll have to deal with sooner or later anyway. People will find out, and not everyone will understand. Its just another step in the life that we have been given. I plan on making the best of it! Life is to short to wallow in self pitty or hate. I won't dwell on the past, that only tells me how I got to where I am. Its up to me where I go from there.

I'm sure I'll meet someone that will accept all of me. I'm not in any hurry to find them.

[RedBaron]

I for one like that you were willing to put that out there. I agree with you! It is not the same. I was venting a bit. It really doesn't even have anything to do with why she broke up with me. It is more because she can't see herself being with a woman. But I still think there is a double standard here. Imagine a guy wearing a dress who wasn't trying to pass. It wouldn't go well for the poor fella. In fact it wouldn't be very safe either.

I have to disagree strongly. I am a guy with a beard, wearing skirts for the last 10+ years. This is much safer than trying to look like a woman and then being "read". I am up front and don't try to deceive anybody. This has been working VERY well for me, never had a problem. I regularly get compliments from women. I now talk with women MUCH more than I ever did in drab, and have much better connections with them. I am definitely not a "poor fella", believe me, I am very happy how this works out for me.

[Amy R Lynn]

I have to disagree strongly. I am a guy with a beard, wearing skirts for the last 10+ years. This is much safer than trying to look like a woman and then being "read". I am up front and don't try to deceive anybody. This has been working VERY well for me, never had a problem. I regularly get compliments from women. I now talk with women MUCH more than I ever did in drab, and have much better connections with them. I am definitely not a "poor fella", believe me, I am very happy how this works out for me.

I stand corrected! I think that is very courageous. And from your avatar pic, you look great!

[Chickhe]

All is not lost... just be friends. Nothing says you can't be really close friends and maybe she will decide that your CDing is not that much of an issue later on... at least you have the chance to show her.

[Amy R Lynn]

I'm not going to dwell on hope, but..... that would be fantastic if it worked out that way. Only time will tell, and I totaly plan on taking her up on being friends.

[Duana]

It's over! And, she's just being nice! I know folks that have gone from being friends to lovers, but NEVER the other way around!


Really? I'm good friends with my ex wife.

[ReineD]

I'm also sorry that it didn't work out.

I'm glad you will take her up on her offer for friendship and I would also suggest that she may be a cautious sort of person. If you do end up seeing her as a friend and the two of you should go out to say, a nightclub while you're dressed, and if you still feel the sparks, I wouldn't write it off totally. But, you'll just have to see how it goes.

I hope you will keep us up to date with the developments!

I'm also curious, why would she feel as if being with you means that she would be in a relationship with a woman? I've just posted in your other thread about a dating profile and you are quite clear that you enjoy your guy side. Maybe she just doesn't understand what the CDing is about for you? Please know that many if not most GGs who've had no exposure to this community, do not really understand the difference between CDs, TGs, and TSs.

:hugs:

[Darla]

Okay - I see a lot of support for being friends - go to it! And yOu do say that you're not te type to look back. So just be her friend, she might see how cool you are, presenting either way, and have her regrets. Just do what's healthy for yourself, and if you still have feelings for her, know that you should give yourself distance if you need it. But if you can truly be her friend, you never know, there could be a connection through her and her friends that might be the ONE. And I'm not talking about her gay friends. Friends talk, and a "yeah- he's super cool, I just don't dig the dressing" could be the mating call of some hot frond of hers. Most dates I've ever gone on were "referrals". Be cool, be true and the right thing will happen.

[MsJanessa]

Darling, it's better you were upfront with her, even though its a dealbreaker, it's better than the alternative---having to sneak around to dress behind her back.

[StephanieC]

Or a year down the road.

How about 28 years down the road?

I think it is very hard to commit to a person, thinking you know that person. I'm not sure we know ourselves. And we change as we grow. I think we commit because we like what we see and see potential long-term. It's not like buying a car where you know all the basic and optional item...people are a bit more complicated.

You will find someone.

[Amy R Lynn]

I'm also sorry that it didn't work out.

I'm glad you will take her up on her offer for friendship and I would also suggest that she may be a cautious sort of person. If you do end up seeing her as a friend and the two of you should go out to say, a nightclub while you're dressed, and if you still feel the sparks, I wouldn't write it off totally. But, you'll just have to see how it goes.

I hope you will keep us up to date with the developments!

I'm also curious, why would she feel as if being with you means that she would be in a relationship with a woman? I've just posted in your other thread about a dating profile and you are quite clear that you enjoy your guy side. Maybe she just doesn't understand what the CDing is about for you? Please know that many if not most GGs who've had no exposure to this community, do not really understand the difference between CDs, TGs, and TSs.

:hugs:

I don't think that it was she thought she would be in a relationship with a woman. They way she put it, it was more the fact that she isn't attracted to women. She isn't attracted to that part of me. I suspect that this was only one part (granted a big part) of why she broke things off with me.

I agree that she is a cautious type of person. She says that she has had friends that were CD's, but I don't know that she really understood what it was all about for me. I'm hopeul that eventually she may come to understand it. However, if she doesn't then at least I have gained a friend. I plan on seeing where it goes. And you know I'll certainly keep the community posted here.

[Amy R Lynn]

While I do tend to jump to the doom and gloom when I get dumped, I know that eventually I will find someone. I just tend to get impatient. I am a very honest person. The last thing that I would want is to hide this part of me. Especially now that I have come to a level of acceptance. This is me. Its not something that I just decided to be. It is me. Always has been. It has taken me until this year to finally realize that. I don't plan on putting Amy back in hiding. That would be dishonest.

I know I'll find someone. Its just going to take time. In the mean time I just need to learn how to have fun with this. That part is still growing. I plan on leaving the house sometime soon to findout how much fun this can be. So all in good time my friends! Thank you so much for all of your support! You are a wonderful community! So grateful I found this forum.