WTF am I doing?

[Cheyenne Skye]

I had my appointment with my therapist this week and he gave me the letter for HRT. He said he also noted it in my records so the medical doctor at the clinic would know when I go to see him in two weeks. I've been thinking about this since then. And my intellect is screaming at me: THIS IS CRAZY AND STUPID!!!! Am I really going to do this? I've know since I was young that I wasn't like the other boys, but am I really more female? I currently present female pretty much all the time outside of work ( though I do have long hair and long painted acrylic nails on 24/7). When I go out presenting femme, I feel more comfortable in my skin. Like I'm not hiding anymore. In past situations, I feel that I over thought things and ended up not making the best decision because I didn't go with my first instinct. And this is probably going to be the most important decision in my life. So should I follow my emotions or try and think this through (I'm liable to talk myself out of doing it)?

I just needed to get this off my chest. Once I do this there is little chance of going back. So far I haven't made any physical changes that can't be undone. Have any of you felt this way when you started hormones?

[Bree-asaurus]

No.... I would always wait and wait and wait until things got really bad that it was glaringly obvious what I had to do... but that's just me and my stupid fears running my life and decisions...

[Anne2345]

WTF are you doing??!! Really?!! That's your question??!! LOLOLOL!!! And please, please, please do not confuse my laughter as even the slightest slight of slights towards you . . . .

I'm just saying that I completely understand, and I get it. WTF are any of us doing? The answer is, ultimately, in the end easy - we are doing what we have to do to make our lives work. We can't survive our status quo, it does not work for us. We have to push forward, face our fears, and attempt to make the most of our lot in life, to the extent we can.

So go ahead in a positive, self-fullfilling manner with hormones! You can stop at any time. Try it out, do what you believe is necessary. If you do not, you will always be left wondering . . . .

[Traci Elizabeth]

Until you know "what you are doing," don't do anything involving transition. You do not seem to be ready.

[Marissa]

I know you are making a post to ask us, but really..you have to ask yourself..and you have.. look at your life story..if it fits..and therepist..and you..agree..then its what needs to be.. of course..anytime that YOU think its not..stop..smell the roses..and see what is it that you really want or need.. and go with it.. its ok to question..but the question can only be answered by you...good luck on your venture towards happiness..in whatever mode that suits you.. :)

[kimdl93]

Just get started and see how you feel. You can back off if it doesn't feel right.

[Stephanie-L]

I have to say, what you are thinking is perfectly normal. Since you appear to be a rational thinking adult, you are considering the potential, both good and bad, of this major step. I would be more worried if you had no reservations about this. I am not saying that our sisters here who went whole hog and had no anxiety over starting hormones are wrong, just that most of us do have to consider what we are losing as well as what we are gaining. You just have to decide if the gain is enough to be worth the loss. I suspect that for most of us, there was not really much of a question, but that lingering doubt is still there. You have thought about this for a long time, and have had therapy, so you have made reasonable steps. Now you have to sit down, sort things out in your head, make a decision, and go with it, the waffling is what drives you nuts. The good thing is, that even if you do try hormones, you have a couple of months before the effects become permanent, so if you find they aren't for you, you can quit. You will probably find that they are just what you needed, I know I did, and I quit having those doubts about a month in, of course YMMV. The big thing is, don't let fear run your life. Acknowledge it, deal with it, many fears are quite reasonable things, but keep it in it's place. Best of luck to you and I hope you find the peace that I have.................Stephanie

[Inna]

Hon, as we have been born into this realm of a world of matter and reason, we also have intrinsically connection with the spiritual, non of this material world, infinite consciousness of the entire universe and place of no place and time where time is not.

We are always torn between these two worlds, however, seems that our entire life's are consumed with trying to combine both into one cohesive SELF. And hence our own struggle between soul and mind, and especially for us, ambassadors of disconnect :)

What you hear in your heart is the voice of truth, as I have been walking this path I know for the fact that it ALWAYS tells it like it is and never strays from this path, however, mind has a tendency to try to take over with its logical jargon, often proven by latest science to have simply nothing to do with logical calculation but it makes everything it comes out with SEEM logical, and that is its purpose, to make assumptions which then in fact make sense of the world around us.

My own experience proves that this mind sees everything with eyes yet we remain blind if not for our hearts, and as I have spoken before, "I WAS BLIND AND NOW I CAN SEE" and believe me I am furthest from religion yet find spirituality true and the only way to proceed in life.

Seek TRUTH, once within truth love starts to flow, love as the language of the universe, pure, and containing all the wisdom, once these two, truth and love become fulfilled, HAPPINESS! A state of truth and love combined, not some mere place nor state of mind but condition, of fully embracing your own truth, that spoken in your heart and love which by now fulfills your spirit.

Geeeeee, I hope all this will make some sense of the otherwise senseless world, all my love hon, Inna

[Marleena]

Cheyenne since you got your letter you must identify as TS. Even based on your post I would suspect that. I assume you have GID and HRT will help immensely in most cases. You can always stop the HRT within the first few months if it's not for you. Changes should be reversible that early on in the game. It's a big step and I can understand your concern.

[CharleneT]

w a i t . . .


...............

[KellyJameson]

I'm not sure the intellect can answer the question because our intellect is not really us but an aspect or part of us (and a small part at that) so we "think" the intellect is
us but there is everything that lies under this that really is the true "us"

Whatever you "think" is not really you but the result of you so thinking comes after not before the truth of you and it is difficult to use thinking to find this "you"

It is not something you can think your way to but must feel your way to so it is intuitive (holistic) in that you experinence it with your whole body and mind not
intellectual where you approach it like a puzzel that can be solved.

Pain and pleasure involve the whole self and so the truth is found in understanding pain.

Pain comes from many sources and so it is difficult to trace back to its original beginning but the pain of gender dysphoria is unique in that it comes because you were born one way but forced to live another so it is there from the very beginning.

It is your primal (prime) energy that you were born with and when you live contrary to it you suffer because you are trying to bend (change) yourself into that
which expresses the opposite energy of who you are because you have been told to do this in a million countless ways but your mind has forgotten the event but carries the pain of failure.

if your primal energy is feminine this comes from the structure of your mind and it cannot be changed only ignored (suppressed) but with consequences because
you are not being you which causes pain and you are trying to not be you which causes pain so you become trapped between to forms of pain, one of rejecting the truth and the other of trying to make the false true.

Because you were born this way (this energy) it becomes difficult to identify the pain of being contrary to its expression but we are designed to escape pain so you would live as if you were trying to escape something (pain) without knowing what it was you were trying to escape from.

Life is lived frantically and peace is found through avoidance or fantasy.

When we cannot escape pain we become anxious so experience anxiety (fear of pain more pain)

You are having intellectual anxiety that you may be making a mistake but to find the truth you must "remember" by going back to the source and experience of the pain that brought you to the place you are.

Feel (remember) what you are trying to escape by how you have suffered.

The suffering is where the truth lives.

Have you always experienced life as if you are in opposition to it because you are the opposite of what the world thinks you are so expects of you?

Have you felt like you are an alien (outsider) from another world because no one seems like you ?

Do you always feel as if you stand outside of everything and are not included and even if you were invited you would not know how to be you and still be able
to join in.

Does sex seem somewhat strange in that maybe you are able to be sexual but yet relate to it in a way that seems different than others, particularly men?

Do you like being around children to young to "think' gender so you feel you can be you in that there is acceptance because of their innocence?

Are you maternal not in fantasy but fact, do you feel that pull toward newborn life regardless of whether it is human or not? (You feel the vulnerability of new life)

These are examples from my own life that you may or may not be able to relate to because each person is unique but I offer them in that you may see similarities to your own life.

Follow your pain truthfully and you will have the answers you seek.

Take your time until you are sure.

[Cheyenne Skye]

I have to say, what you are thinking is perfectly normal. Since you appear to be a rational thinking adult, you are considering the potential, both good and bad, of this major step. I would be more worried if you had no reservations about this. I am not saying that our sisters here who went whole hog and had no anxiety over starting hormones are wrong, just that most of us do have to consider what we are losing as well as what we are gaining. You just have to decide if the gain is enough to be worth the loss. I suspect that for most of us, there was not really much of a question, but that lingering doubt is still there. You have thought about this for a long time, and have had therapy, so you have made reasonable steps. Now you have to sit down, sort things out in your head, make a decision, and go with it, the waffling is what drives you nuts. The good thing is, that even if you do try hormones, you have a couple of months before the effects become permanent, so if you find they aren't for you, you can quit. You will probably find that they are just what you needed, I know I did, and I quit having those doubts about a month in, of course YMMV. The big thing is, don't let fear run your life. Acknowledge it, deal with it, many fears are quite reasonable things, but keep it in it's place. Best of luck to you and I hope you find the peace that I have.................Stephanie


I think that's what I'm getting at. If I sat down and made a list of the positive and negative possible outcomes and try to decide based on that, I would probably, as you said, waffle back and forth and be stuck in limbo scared that I could make the wrong decision. So if I make my decision based on feeling and not "logic" then yes, I would dive headfirst into transition. But it is such a big decision, not to be taken lightly that it seems foolish to only rely on emotion. Kind of like jumping in the river without checking to see how deep it is first.

[Kaz]

I am not sure how old you are Cheyenne... this may be an issue. Transitioning early will lead to better outcomes, BUT, people may have not had enough life experience to inform the decision... this is the paradox that most medics (well, the professional ones) play with. Keep talking on the site and slow down. The TS people will give you a good heads up on this, the CD/TS people (e.g. me) will give you the other side, and you will get a whole lot more from the rest of our community!

Stop! Engage! Listen! Inwardly absorb! Re-engage and debate the issues! Only then do you make the right decisions.... unless you want to hit the 'am I lucky' button!:)

[Cheyenne Skye]

I am not sure how old you are Cheyenne... this may be an issue. Transitioning early will lead to better outcomes, BUT, people may have not had enough life experience to inform the decision... this is the paradox that most medics (well, the professional ones) play with. Keep talking on the site and slow down. The TS people will give you a good heads up on this, the CD/TS people (e.g. me) will give you the other side, and you will get a whole lot more from the rest of our community!

Stop! Engage! Listen! Inwardly absorb! Re-engage and debate the issues! Only then do you make the right decisions.... unless you want to hit the 'am I lucky' button!:)

I am in my early 40's. I read a lot more than I post here. And I occasionally go to a local support group.

[Diversity]

I would not go ahead with HRT if I was not 100% sure. Delaying costs you nothing and gives you time to sort all your intellectual and emotional feelings out. Dig deep within and don't rush your decision. Good luck!
Di

[morgan51]

A very dear friend told me don't do any more than you have too. That has been sage advice You will know in your heart when and if its time. Hugs Sis

[danielleb]

I think that's what I'm getting at. If I sat down and made a list of the positive and negative possible outcomes and try to decide based on that, I would probably, as you said, waffle back and forth and be stuck in limbo scared that I could make the wrong decision. So if I make my decision based on feeling and not "logic" then yes, I would dive headfirst into transition. But it is such a big decision, not to be taken lightly that it seems foolish to only rely on emotion. Kind of like jumping in the river without checking to see how deep it is first.

And that sums up why there is such a thing as "late transitioners." :D

I think to me it was this simple: rational brain = male brain / emotional brain = female brain

At some point I had to sit back and see what the rational brain has been doing for me my whole life and where it has left me. I had that moment after taking my first set of pills (the spiro hit me and made me weak and woozy the first time), that I started to think what am I doing, I can't possibly keep this up and go on like this for the course of my life. But after that minute I realized that was my rational brain trying to get in the way again, I said so long and have to stick with the emotional one for this decision! :)

[Kathi Lake]

Will you be better off if you transition? I don't mean "more confortable in your own skin" or anything like that. I mean, how will transitioning improve your life?

Will you have a better job?

Will you have a better social life?

Will you have a better spiritual life?

As others have said, if transitioning isn't an imperative need, then by all means, simmer down. Some of the changes that hormones will make are irreversible. If you do decide to stop or go back, well, let's just say a man with a rack is a bit of an oddity. :)

So, logic or emotion - it doesn't matter. If you're unsure, that tells me that your therapist is either a hack, or really doesn't care about your wellbeing if he is just handing out HRT letters to whoever walks in the door with, "Ya know, I've always thought of myself as a girl . . ."

Wait.

Kathi

[LeaP]

And that sums up why there is such a thing as "late transitioners." :D

I think to me it was this simple: rational brain = male brain / emotional brain = female brain


I completely reject the sexism in this comment. What I can accept is that some people bury or deny their emotions as a coping mechanism. That's certainly true for me. So it's not so much that rational equals male as it is that you begin making decisions based on only a portion of your capabilities. Or, as it is so often put, we become disconnected.

What happens in turn is that the explanations and justifications that you build up around your life aren't validated in real world, full relationships. They are rational air castles, spun by someone who is not only disconnected from other people, but disconnected from oneself.

Many of the most rational, rigorous thinkers in my life are women.

[elizabethamy]

what if you took a teensy dose to see if that would calm the GID beast but wouldn't commit you to full-on feminization? What do folks think of that plan for someone like Cheyenne?

[LeaP]

what if you took a teensy dose to see if that would calm the GID beast but wouldn't commit you to full-on feminization? What do folks think of that plan for someone like Cheyenne?

Tough one to answer.

My therapist has patients who do exactly that and she sees it as a good solution for some. My physician, similarly, has trans patients doing the same thing, but she regards the benefit as "only" psychological - by which she means the small doses aren't really addressing a need of the brain but are providing a placebo effect. As a result, she's not particularly supportive of the idea.

[melissaK]

Really?

Nike time. Just do it.

At 38 I didn't. 20 years later - I've worked my you know what off to stay sane and have a decent life. On the surface I'm doing great. About 1mm down I'm a mess. Plenty of counseling receipts to prove it. My wife knows and transition is a deal breaker, and she's as stuck as I am. And to stay sane I am HRT for the last 5 years. Yes I'm a 40b. I rationalized my way to this fence straddling position. And I am not alone. Kindred souls haunt these boards, past and present. And I suspect most of us would say the same thing.

Nike time.

Serious hugs,
'lissa

[MarieTS]

My personal belief is to hold off until you know for sure. It (HRT) should feel like you are putting anesthetic on a painful sore, because that is what untreated GID is: painful. HRT and transitioning are my cure. If you have to ask yourself "why am I doing this?", then the "pain" isn't bad enough to require treatment. HRT needs to be something you not only want, but truly need. Hold off unless you are truly ready, wanting, and needing.

[LisaMallon]

If I sat down and made a list of the positive and negative possible outcomes and try to decide based on that, I would probably, as you said, waffle back and forth and be stuck in limbo scared that I could make the wrong decision. So if I make my decision based on feeling and not "logic" then yes, I would dive headfirst into transition.

Welcome to the club. Virtually my position as well. I came to that point in my early 40's then 'waffled' my way out of it. Ran away to be more exact.
Now I'm 55 and starting and I so regret those lost years. And boy did I make many lists, over and over again.

I have (partially but not entirely as per some of my other posts)) reconciled my intellect to all this, mainly because I am simply not happy following the 'rational' path any longer (if I ever was).
What to do? 'Rationally' be miserable until death?

So give it a try. If after 3 months you feel a bit more complete, keep going to 6 months ... and so on. This varies from person to person of course, but permanent changes seem to be in the 9-18 months tange .. but talk to your doctor about it. Might even be an idea to have some sperm frozen, just in case.
In the end, you have gone this far and that tells you something.

On a lighter point, is there something in the water? Seems to be a lot of girls just starting HRT about now.

[Cheyenne Skye]

I NEED to know if this is the right thing to do. And the only way to find out is to try it. I figure that either I'll feel more "right" or wrong before the physical effects become permanent. So after a month or two, I can decide if I should continue or not. But it's such a scary thing to think about doing. I don't want to make the wrong decision, but I also don't want to die thinking about what could have been. Like the old saying goes: you don't regret the things you've done as much as the things you didn't do.

[Bree-asaurus]

I NEED to know if this is the right thing to do. And the only way to find out is to try it. I figure that either I'll feel more "right" or wrong before the physical effects become permanent. So after a month or two, I can decide if I should continue or not. But it's such a scary thing to think about doing. I don't want to make the wrong decision, but I also don't want to die thinking about what could have been. Like the old saying goes: you don't regret the things you've done as much as the things you didn't do.

Well, HRT is one of those things that it either makes you feel better, or you hate how it makes you feel. Two months isn't going to hurt you in the long run.

[Kathi Lake]

I NEED to know if this is the right thing to do.And only you can answer that question. You, your therapist, and enough time to be sure. Until you're sure, don't start hormones. You can't just take womanhood out for a test drive. This is not a 'try it before you buy it' kinda thing.

Look, there's plenty of us that were never "Like the other boys." That doesn't mean you are a transsexual. If you are unsure, stop! There is much more to being a woman than the changes in brain chemistry a few months of hormones will give you. Until you know for sure, don't go flailing about, hoping that this change will lead to the perfect, beautiful life.

Kathi

[Jorja]

Until you know for sure, don't go flailing about, hoping that this change will lead to the perfect, beautiful life.

Kathi

There is no such thing as "the perfect, beautiful life". Life is what YOU make it. You can just give up and life will really suck or you can give it your all and make life great. You need to sit down and make some big decisions in your life Cheyenne Skye. Only you can make these decisions. A good thearpist that is experienced in TG/TS issues can help you sort it all out.

[Thera Home]

And my intellect is screaming at me: THIS IS CRAZY AND STUPID!!!! Am I really going to do this?

Hi Cheyenne
After reading your post, I suspect that youre moving a little fast on this. The FOG has clouded your vision and your mind I believe. May need to purge and get a straight answer on this before moving forward(just a thought)

Thera

[kristinacd55]

Cheyenne, it's good that you're questioning this. Make sure you're comfortable with HRT before you take that big leap. I've thought about that and going all the way too, but always come back to the fact that I'm comfortable going out, enjoying myself and then ok with being drab again.....for now anyway! Who knows what the future will bring? The present is where you're at NOW. :)

[Chloe Renee]

When I started seeing my therapist I was running towards the "golden ticket" with all my strength. Once I received my HRT letter I had similar thoughts; OMG what if this is not right for me? I scheduled a endo appointment 3 weeks out so I could cancel if needed. My next therapy session I used a big chunk talking about just these thoughts, in the end I went through with my appointment.
The opinion of my therapist was "everything is reversible for the first couple months; everybody feels scared and unsure of them selves when they are stepping out of their safe zone. Only you will know if it is right for you and you only will find out if you try."
My personal experience has been good thus far despite work still sucking and my SO on the edge of divorce. I am happier getting up in the morning and being me, I regret waiting as long as I did. But like everything YMMV take care :)