Barbra P
08-18-2012, 11:05 AM
Early this year (January or February) I saw a photo of myself and realized that I don’t present as well as I thought I did. The photo really did a number on my confidence and I pretty much stopped going out enfemme, except in the yard.
My Therapist and I have had a number of discussions about why I was so impacted by the photo and I still can’t tell her why. Maybe vanity, I don’t know. In June she said she hoped that I would gain enough confidence to come to once again of our sessions enfemme. I thought about it in July but decided against going enfemme.
My August session was on the 9th, at 11:00 am and for a good two weeks prior I ponder going enfemme. It really wasn’t until the morning of the 9th that I made up my mind. Well maybe the evening of the 8th because I re-painted my toes – not a total commitment because I have pretty much worn polish full time on my toes for over a year, but the polish is easily hidden if circumstances call for it. Anyway, I decided for sure in the morning and shaved and started putting on my makeup. I had recently found a skort that I really like in this hot weather and decided on that, along with a nice print blouse (pinks and purples) that my Daughter gave me for Christmas. My age and a knee replacement pretty much rule out heels, and I didn’t think heels would be appropriate so I went with Turquoise colored sandals.
The Medical Center is always crowed with a number of people sitting around in the lobby, then there is the crowded Pharmacy and a Family Practice waiting room, both with glass walls. Well I didn’t have much trouble with the lobby, heart beat somewhat elevated as I walked to the elevators. Got off the elevator on the third floor (Psychiatric Dept), walked around the corner and there were two people in line waiting to check in; the man gave me a quick glance and I didn’t detect any change in facial expression – guess he didn’t find me particularly attractive or worthy of a longer look. Check-in was no problem, never is for the Psychiatric Dept but when I walked down the hall and turned the corner into waiting area 3, it was crowded, and I immediately thought “Oh bleep”. Well I still had few minutes till my appointment time and I’d had a cup of coffee before leaving the house and I didn’t think I could make it through a full hour session and my plans were to visit the restroom anyway. But getting to the restroom (gender-neutral) I had to walk through the narrow waiting area – more a hallway with chairs against the walls. I hoped that some of the people would get called and when I came out the area would be less populated – not the case. I selected one of two vacant seats and sat down, and upon glancing around it did appear that I was attracting any untoward attention. I only had a few minutes to wait before Kelly open the door looked around and announced “Barbra, you can come in now.”
It was a pleasant hour, and it bolstered my confidence quite a bit. Leaving I had no apprehension at all stepping out of the elevator and walking through the lobby. Walking through the parking the people I passed merely smiled, friendly smiles, no frowns, no looks of puzzlement.
Waiting now for next week, my Daughter (she and her two children live with us) starts the fall semester at SDSU and that means the grandkids will be at daycare – this last week they were home. The grandkids (6 and 7) don’t have a problem with Barbra and probably like Barbra better than my male self – Barbra is easier going and doesn’t discipline as much. The heat and humidity has been oppressive this past week and unfortunately next week looks like pretty much of the same but then I don't plan on doing anything too strenuous just take it easy and enjoy being Barbra.
My Therapist and I have had a number of discussions about why I was so impacted by the photo and I still can’t tell her why. Maybe vanity, I don’t know. In June she said she hoped that I would gain enough confidence to come to once again of our sessions enfemme. I thought about it in July but decided against going enfemme.
My August session was on the 9th, at 11:00 am and for a good two weeks prior I ponder going enfemme. It really wasn’t until the morning of the 9th that I made up my mind. Well maybe the evening of the 8th because I re-painted my toes – not a total commitment because I have pretty much worn polish full time on my toes for over a year, but the polish is easily hidden if circumstances call for it. Anyway, I decided for sure in the morning and shaved and started putting on my makeup. I had recently found a skort that I really like in this hot weather and decided on that, along with a nice print blouse (pinks and purples) that my Daughter gave me for Christmas. My age and a knee replacement pretty much rule out heels, and I didn’t think heels would be appropriate so I went with Turquoise colored sandals.
The Medical Center is always crowed with a number of people sitting around in the lobby, then there is the crowded Pharmacy and a Family Practice waiting room, both with glass walls. Well I didn’t have much trouble with the lobby, heart beat somewhat elevated as I walked to the elevators. Got off the elevator on the third floor (Psychiatric Dept), walked around the corner and there were two people in line waiting to check in; the man gave me a quick glance and I didn’t detect any change in facial expression – guess he didn’t find me particularly attractive or worthy of a longer look. Check-in was no problem, never is for the Psychiatric Dept but when I walked down the hall and turned the corner into waiting area 3, it was crowded, and I immediately thought “Oh bleep”. Well I still had few minutes till my appointment time and I’d had a cup of coffee before leaving the house and I didn’t think I could make it through a full hour session and my plans were to visit the restroom anyway. But getting to the restroom (gender-neutral) I had to walk through the narrow waiting area – more a hallway with chairs against the walls. I hoped that some of the people would get called and when I came out the area would be less populated – not the case. I selected one of two vacant seats and sat down, and upon glancing around it did appear that I was attracting any untoward attention. I only had a few minutes to wait before Kelly open the door looked around and announced “Barbra, you can come in now.”
It was a pleasant hour, and it bolstered my confidence quite a bit. Leaving I had no apprehension at all stepping out of the elevator and walking through the lobby. Walking through the parking the people I passed merely smiled, friendly smiles, no frowns, no looks of puzzlement.
Waiting now for next week, my Daughter (she and her two children live with us) starts the fall semester at SDSU and that means the grandkids will be at daycare – this last week they were home. The grandkids (6 and 7) don’t have a problem with Barbra and probably like Barbra better than my male self – Barbra is easier going and doesn’t discipline as much. The heat and humidity has been oppressive this past week and unfortunately next week looks like pretty much of the same but then I don't plan on doing anything too strenuous just take it easy and enjoy being Barbra.