Coping with the Bad Days

[Anna M]

How do you cope with the "ugly days", when the only thing going through your head is how ugly you are? (Yes, my brain has an entire chant it goes through. Complete with thrash-metal backup music. *sigh*)

Not even my stupidly-childish super-girly pink glitter nail polish is helping this time. :(

Fortunately, these Ugly episodes usually only last a day or so, but when they hit... I become utterly non-functional. So I'm looking for ideas on possible coping strategies.

Anna May

[Bree-asaurus]

Stay away from mirrors and try to focus on something else.

I'm prone to sleeping, watching lots of TV and drinking lots of alcohol. You didn't say you were asking for GOOD coping solutions :P

[Melody Moore]

Stay away from Mirrors as Bree said and try and focus on something else.

No matter who you are and what you look like, we are a beautiful and a very special people with
something special we can give to other people. True beauty is something that comes from within
and it can be found in each and everyone of us. And it is easier to feel beautiful as a person if you
can do something to help you feel good about yourself. Some people like to go for a walk and just
appreciate the beauty in nature & the world around us and others like to help others so they feel
better about themselves. The important thing to focus on is doing things that make you feel happy
and there are many things you can do like this to get out of those dark places & what happens next
is completely up to you and what steps you take to turn that all around.

[Andie Elisabeth]

Right now we have hot days here so I eat ice cream, lots of ice cream.

[Aprilrain]

i sleep when i'm depressed

[KellyJameson]

I always go into any negative thoughts to find their source.

Ugly is a form of rejection in that you are repelled by something that you think is ugly and you reject it. This could be in you or you or another person or anything in
your world but the result is the same, going through life always from a place of rejection.

Ugly is the label but rejection is the emotion.

Understanding the emotion (rejection) is really what you want to be working toward.

Rejection is learned partly from the pain of being rejected so when we reject ourselves we are continuing what others have done or are doing to us.

You must reject what you have learned (reject the cruelty) instead of continuing to do what you have been taught (accept the past abuse)

It is impossible to ever enjoy beauty until you let go of the label ugly so you do not experience the emotion of rejection. No one who has rejection in them will ever be
perfect enough to discover the beauty that "is' them.

It is a trap between labels and emotion so you must stop labeling to than move beyond the emotion of rejection.

Discover where the label came from and you discover the source of the rejection.

Being a woman and being beautiful are not interdependant,they are separate and mutually exclusive and it is very easy to be a ugly beautiful woman.

This is a universal experience that gender dysphoria makes worse.

[Bree-asaurus]

Being a woman and being beautiful are not interdependant,they are separate and mutually exclusive and it is very easy to be a ugly beautiful woman.

I thought she was using the term 'ugly' as another way of saying 'looking like a man.'

Being an ugly woman isn't nearly as crushing as looking like a man trying to look like a woman.

[LeaP]

i sleep when i'm depressed

God, someone else like me! I can sleep 12, 14, 16 or more hours when things are bad. The worse it gets, the more I sleep. Curl up and sssllleeeeeppp.

[Traci Elizabeth]

Well there's always tomorrow! I bet there is not one woman on here that has not looked in the mirror and thought that they were ugly a time or two or more. I also bet there is not a single GF that has not felt the same.

[Jorja]

Ugly? Who's ugly? Just cause your hair is a mess and drool has run down your chin doesn't mean your ugly. Just cause the mirror hides doesn't mean your ugly. If your really feeling ugly, go hangout at a Wal-Mart for an hour. That should change you mind. Go and work an hour or two with people that are disfigured due to birth defects or fire or something of the like. They are some of the most beautiful people in the world. Let them show you how beautiful you really are. Most of all, stop feeling sorry for yourself. Smile and enjoy the world around you.

[LisaMallon]

How do you cope with the "ugly days", when the only thing going through your head is how ugly you are?

Since I feel ugly nearly all the time, my case is about coping with it every day. I just 'sigh' when I see (for example) pictures of Melissa.
Funny thing the mind, in my case I am totally non-objective about my looks. One of the reasons why I go to an image consultant, to get some objective feedback, because I can't judge myself.
I'm probably not as bad as I think I am (maybe I'm worse :straightface:).

So it might be the same for you, maybe you are really not that ugly, could be just your perception, someone else's could be quite different.

This applies to every woman. I have had partners in the past who have gone all tizzy about (eg) having a bad hair day .. and frankly I could not see any difference in their hair. But that was how they felt at the time.

Easy for GGs to be like that and a terrible trap for us TSs. After all we all have had decades of looking in the mirror at our ugly male faces and, no matter how you try, it is so difficult not too see the same face in the mirror.

I agree with everyone here ... ban mirrors.

[noeleena]

Hi,

Perception of our selfs or from others .

From our selfs we, many dont look right are we trying to measure up to a false we should look like this . or that,

from others we are not good enough any way so dont get picked to be that show person. male or female.

Yet there are many who see through this false idear & dont give a damm & accept them selfs & others as being beautiefull . looks are nice they are not all there is to the beauty of each person beauty comes in many different ways & can be seen when we open our eyes to the real beauty,

You know i harp on about my lack of useing make up, its about people & friends seeing the real who i am not just my face its the all of who i am .

...noeleena...

[LeaP]

I agree with everyone here ... ban mirrors.

If I could make one change in my therapist's office, it would be to take down the gigantic mirror on the wall, which is on the wall just opposite the sofa on which her patients sit. Fortunately, you can't see it from one corner.

[Gizmo, Debbie]

I can't remember where i saw it to post a link but it was something along the lines of "Depression is not a sign of weakness. It's a sign that you've been staying strong for too long".

The human mind is fantasic thing, capable of soo much. Every now and a again it just needs a rest though.

For me i am lucky in that i don't have a job nor do i have kids to worry about so when i get to a low point i can afford to just lie back and let it happen.

What have you got in the way of hobbies? Try finding something that can be done at a slow leasury pace, just to distract the mind a little.

Yestarday i sat playing with spreadsheets and databases cataloging my "mpeg" collection and my mp3 collection just to keep the mind occupied but a slow pace.

and a hug or two from a friend or three helps too. :hug:

[melissaK]

Sweetie, I have plenty of "bad day" tricks in my purse:

1) Hold a pity party with a sad movie and ice cream and chablis and have a good cry. ( It's pretty obvious and only my really close friends will put up with me, and my dog. My dog puts up with me. She'll do anything to lick an ice cream bowl)

2) I play the Chumbawamba song (i get knocked down, but i get up again) loud and sing along out loud. The out loud part is an important part of counsellong and it works in a sing along context. Very therapeutic and can give a quick lift;(or, since you're blue over your looks, maybe that essay popularized by Baz Luhrman as the Sunscreen Song might work as a read along - "do not read beauty magazines they will only make you feel ugly; you are not as fat as you think you are, . . . )

3) I google search a charity to make a $20.00 donation to. The act of sorting through tear jerking web pages of people who got dealt waaaay worse cards than me always sets me straight; (Wheelchair Mission; doctors without borders; himalayan Cataract Mission; etc)

4) it doesn't sound like you're in this camp, but if its serious I go see my counselor - I tettered on the edge once and now I reach out before the view over the edge gets too good. Sure it costs money, but if I'm dead the money won't help me then.

5) I post about it under the mental health section or any section on this Forum - it makes me organize my thoughts and feeling and I feel better. (You've already done this! You are brilliant!!! And see - you feel better already! :-) )

6) I go volunteer at my senior center. My wife volunteered at a Street Teens project. Your towns homeless shelter or food bank would do. Every town has one. Like someone else said, most of these folks will be so far worse off than you you'll feel better.

7) I go watch a funny movie or stand up comic DVD. The opposite of the pity party and way less obvious. Just get a good laugh and enjoy the endorphins that come with laughing;

8) I call an old friend out of the blue. It takes me back to a time where I only remember the good and have forgotten the bad, and it always helps.

But be careful. Temporary fixes usually mean I'm leaving some emotional need unresolved. And if I don't figure it out, depression can return. Thus, I like the suggestions from others to figure out the emotions you're feeling, and if youre feeling "not pretty," to try to understand rejection and self esteem issues.

I also liked the idea that depression comes from being strong too long. Sometimes a good rest is in order as many have noted. A good rest can help my subconscious process and sometimes my conscious mind has "aha" moments after waking.

Hugs
'lissa

[Kristy_K]

I wish I could sleep when I was depress. Heck I wish I could sleep pass 5 five or 6 hours.

I have found since I transitioned that ugliness is only skin deep. The real beauty comes from within one's self.

A positive attitude may not always help the problem but it sure can upset other people..

[pamela_a]

So you don't look like a barbie doll or model? Too bad. Get over it. Quit thinking like a man picturing a woman. I feel confident saying the vast majority of women don't like how they look. Just because they're not super models do they doubt they are a woman?

People see what you project and if you project doubt they see that and question everything about you. Women don't doubt they're women so why do you?

Go do something useful and quit feeling sorry for yourself.

[LisaMallon]

I can't remember where i saw it to post a link but it was something along the lines of "Depression is not a sign of weakness. It's a sign that you've been staying strong for too long".
:hug:

That's a great point. There is depression and depression and I'm not a fan of pills, except for perhaps a very short term crisis.

One form is simply (you are so right) mental and emotional exhaustion. I'm one of these people that is 'great in a storm". When everything turns to custard and panic or paralysis sets in with others I stay right on top of things. Organise, prioritise, sort out, etc, etc. Coping with high stress things is a forte of mine ... but .... there is a time limit to how long you can keep it up. Eventually you crash and burn. Nothing wrong with that, because others who have different makeups can now take up the burden now that the immediate crisis is over, while you crawl off and recover.

For me that recovery time feels like a sort of low level depression, but it is actually just healing and recovery time.

Trouble is some other people become dependent on you to handle it all .. all the time. So when you do eventually crash then they get disappointed in you!!! With my ex I remember at times literally begging her to take up some of the slack because I was heading for a burn out and knew I couldn't keep going at that pace for much longer. And of course the longer you push on the worse the hit and the longer the recovery time.
You can then get to actual depression rather than just a period of exhaustion and recovery. And then need months to recover.

So my advice, to myself as much as anyone else, is that transitioning is incredibly stressful. So regular 'time outs', 'being nice to yourself' , etc, periods are absolutely necessary. And if you feel tired then just blob out.
A lot of us, including myself, are really hard on ourselves. Sometimes you just need to stop and rest.


... and wine and chocolate of course.

[josee]

Three words: Chocolate, Prozac and Red Wine. Oh sorry that's more than three words but you get the idea.
You are not ugly. You are a beautiful butterfly:-)

[Aprilrain]

So you don't look like a barbie doll or model? Too bad. Get over it. Quit thinking like a man picturing a woman. I feel confident saying the vast majority of women don't like how they look. Just because they're not super models do they doubt they are a woman?

People see what you project and if you project doubt they see that and question everything about you. Women don't doubt they're women so why do you?

Go do something useful and quit feeling sorry for yourself.

How bitchy and unhelpful.....

[Kristy_K]

How bitchy and unhelpful.....

I would have disagree because the sooner you can accept yourself for who you are as a person the sooner you can start to enjoy life and be yourself. After all if you think about it. Life is so short. I myself don't have a lot going for me except a positive attitude about myself as a person and it seems to be doing a great job for me so far... Because of my attitude my transition has been unbelievable in some peoples eyes..

At least that is what many of my friends tell me....... And that was also before my FSS surgery....

Sometimes the true does hurts but I am sure what Pam said wasn't meant to hurt but instead to help the person to face the the facts of life so they can start to enjoy it. Once again life is so short.... Why screw it up by feeling sorry for yourself when in the long run it won't do you any good anyway. Most people don't like to be around a negative person.

After one year into my transition I don't know a lot but I have learn a few things....

[Inna]

Best Idea ever if I may say so my self is: "POST YOUR POST AT THE TRANS FORUM"...........but such point is rather mute since I believe you already know about it.

It darn works well.........................:-)

[Anna M]

Thank you all for your kind words and advice! Just as a note, ass-kicking has its place, but is not really what I was looking for here, more of a 'get myself past the really down times and try to swing my mood back to something manageable'. These episodes always feel (in the moment) like they'll never go away, so I was looking for ways to remind myself that it's short-term and I'll swing back to (my version of) "normal" soon enough. Most days I'm more "ugh, my body, but hey, I can still work with its strengths"; Ugly Days are all about teenagerish Nobody Loves Me melodrama and curling up in a ball in the bedroom and hating on myself and not believing that anybody will every take me or my transness seriously, along with a boatload of dysmorphia and dysphoria and feeling fat (even though I objectively know that 165lbs is perfectly reasonable for a 5'11" body) and ugly and "I'll never pass" and etc et al et depressed nauseam.

But today I put my hair in a vaguely feminine style and went out with my SO for a drink before my 2-week vacation in Chicago starts. And that vacation will include some femme time, if only in the privacy of my hotel room and/or my best friends' place. [They are "in the know".] Whee!