Stuck and going nowhere fast!!!!

[Kerigirl2009]

So tomorrow is my eighteen year anniversary and my wife and I are going to go kayaking together which is going to be so relaxing and fun (last time I tipped over)

Well anyway I still truly LOVE my wife and would so love it if she could accept Keri as a part of me, but I know she won't. This makes me very sad.

Recently, well a couple months ago I ordered hormones, because I know in my mind and soul I am suppose to be a woman. I know I should have consulted a doctor (but I am being stupid) I did do alot of research before I ordered and so far I have not noticed any side effects other than one, I AM A HAPPIER almost all the time. It has been noticed by a few people that I work with. I also feel much calmer but I still do get anxious over some work issues though.

My wife found out about the hormones and needless to say she was not happy about it. She asked me if I needed them and I said no. BUT I wanted them. I stopped taking them for a few days, however I went back to them and I am still taking them.

I am so wanting to come clean with my wife about this but I know that I have already messed with her mind. I know she does not want me to do this, but I almost feel like it is a need, and maybe it will bring me to where I should be. I know I am not being fair to her.

What should I do?????? Stay true to the woman I love, or become closer to the woman that I know lives inside me?

I have not gone so far that its a permenant change to my body but I think I could in a heartbeat......

Just confused about my life and a bit sad (could be the hormones)

Oh And if I continue I will go see a doctor.

[Bree-asaurus]

It's up to you to figure out what's more important. Whether aligning your body with your mind is a want or a need may change over time too.

But... communication and respect are paramount in a relationship. You need to love the other person for who they are, not who you want them to be. You also need to be able to communicate, express yourself and listen to your partner. If one partner forces the other to hide part of who they are, both partners are living a lie. Things to think about...

But only you know what you need to do.

[LeaP]

Deal now or deal later ... but you WILL be discussing this. Eventually the effects of the hormones will be obvious.

You love your wife? Talk to her. This isn't a conflict in your head anymore. You are taking action with the hormones, it affects her life, and she has a right to know.

[Marleena]

Keri you need to be careful here. Hormones = transition. Transition will end a marriage in most cases. It is the breaking point for most women. Start talking with her and think this out real well.

Good luck!

[Inna]

I dont think there are dual truths, such as staying true to your wife OR to your self, if you shall remain in bondage, living a lie, you shall be lying to you as well as your wife. TRUTH is only one and should be lived as one. But there are never guarantees that such truth will bring only joy, in fact I can guarantee that you will experience more pain then ever however, such unconditional embrace of the truth will bring love within which you will find solstice.

What ever you do, do not play pica-boo with hormones, if you had researched and gained knowledge, you would know that starting hormones and then stopping for a while to yet start again will play havoc on your metabolic health. Stick with it or stop it but do not go on and then off and then on again. Make a commitment, and truly was your answer to your wife really honest when you said that yo don't need hormones...........I know this is really difficult but the truth will win sooner or later, and the sooner the better.

[Traci Elizabeth]

Well so far everyone has given solid advise. I would add that "if" you love your wife, then you have "no choice" than to sit her down and tell her the truth and nothing but the truth. Not partial truths. Not Some truth while knowingly holding other truths from her.

You can not say in one breath that you love your wife when in the next breath you are doing things behind her back, concealing things, and in a way lying to her. That is not love. Relationships are based on honesty and you should be able to sit down with her and talk openly and honestly.

I am not saying that this is an easy choice. I was faced with the exact same situation as you. I have a very loving wife and adult daughter to whom I am very close too, and the hardest thing I have ever done in my life was to sit both of them down (my wife first) and tell them the truth and nothing but the whole truth.

Our conversation lasted for hours and hours. We were both crying uncontrollably. At first my wife blamed herself and wondered what she did wrong for me to make this decision. At first she was in shock, then denial, then anger, then remorse, then finally wanted to sit down more to talk about this and what all I was feeling and why I had to make this decision. Of course there was so much more than what I have written but I think you get the jest.

Because our love had a very strong foundation and we both knew we were "soul mates" my wife began to accept a little at a time. As the days, weeks, and months past, my wife became my number 1 supporter of my transition. It took THREE YEARS for my wife to come to me and say, "Traci, I truly understand why you have to have SRS and will support you every step of the way.

It is true that my situation is not the norm, BUT it does happen and I am not the only gal on here who's wife has excepted and embraced. I can honestly say to you that my wife's and my love have only grown deeper during my transition to the point that my wife and I renewed our wedding vows as two females.

If you want to talk more about this send me a PM. If you make the decision to tell your wife the truth, and if your wife needs to talk to another woman who was faced with this, then I am sure my wife would be willing to talk to your wife. But that is down the road because you have to first decide if you are going to continue deceiving your wife or not.

I, nor anyone here, can make that decision for you. You have to search your heart and soul and if you are a religious man, seek guidance from God. He certainly guided me.

[Kerigirl2009]

Thank you for readung this and giving me your two cents. I really do love my wife and I am tired of hurting her because of what I need. I have been throwing things at her ever since I told her about me. It took me a long time to finally accept that I was a crossdresser. I never really thought I would go beyond a crossdresser. But I have. My issues are I know now that I am transgendered to the point that I would give almost anything to be true to myself, however I also am a father of four and I am suppose to be there for them also, and how can I be there for them if I am starting a new life. I really want the best of both worlds

I want to be Keri and I want to be a part of my family still too. Life is so short and so hard when you have tough choices to make that affect everyone you know. I want it all. I need to be me.

I know I am such a happier individual when I am just being me and enjoying life. I think that if I was to be true and honest to myself that I would be a better person to be around and I could be closer to everyone because I would not worry so much about being found out and what could happen. My wife thinks the opposite as she does not want anyone to know Keri. So I know if my decision is to transisition 100% my family life will change dramatically and I really want that to remain unchanged, except I would like to feel closer to everyone.
I don't know, I just don't know. Someday I might be ready for that really difficult conversation

[Inna]

Keri, some day you will hear an internal voice say: NO MORE HIDING! listen to it, and you will know what to do. You really have answered your question your self, as you put it in the last post, YES, to be true and whole means to share your true love with your loved ones and the rest of the world.

All the love, Inna

[LeaP]

Well so far everyone has given solid advise. I would add that "if" you love your wife, then you have "no choice" than to sit her down and tell her the truth and nothing but the truth. Not partial truths. Not Some truth while knowingly holding other truths from her.

...

I am not saying that this is an easy choice. I was faced with the exact same situation as you. I have a very loving wife and adult daughter to whom I am very close too, and the hardest thing I have ever done in my life was to sit both of them down (my wife first) and tell them the truth and nothing but the whole truth.

...

What a terrific response (and story), Traci.

I can only add my limited experience in coming out to my wife. It was indeed incredibly difficult, and I avoided conversations on gender like the plague for the longest time, as they were intensely uncomfortable. I would start to freeze internally if the slightest hint of the topic was broached. When we finally did start talking, my wife was devastated - for her, for us, and for me. Upset, angry, loss, blame, and much more than I will describe now. It has taken months for some of this to dissipate. We are able to talk pretty freely at this point. And we are closer.

I obviously don't how where things will end, but I do know this - most people cannot sustain a state of permanent anger and pain. If there is genuine love, there is at least a possibility of not just a good ending to the story, but something better than what was already there.

[JohnH]

You certainly cannot hide the effects of hormones from your wife. In my case I was fortunate enough that my wife suggested that I go on M2F hormones. Right now I wear bras and when I run I have to wear a sports bra. My wife sometimes calls me "titty boy" but it's in fun.

There are two conditions she wants me to abide by:
1. Keep my male name.
2. Continue to talk in my deep masculine voice.

My relation with my wife has grown deeper.

My wife even kidded me about going to a place in New Mexico to get SRS - so even that would be permitted! However, I have no desire at this time for that operation.

I will also say that hiding crossdressing articles is a terrible thing.

John

[kimdl93]

Keri, I think you should tell your wife the truth about the hormones. You should explain that you feel much happier and at ease while you're taking them. And tell her that you wish to see a physician about getting a legal prescription.

But also emphasize that this is not a permanent physical change, simply a way to get your mind and body more in balance.

[Aprilrain]

Someday I might be ready for that really difficult conversation

it goes without saying that you can not have your cake and eat it too! "Someday" will be here before you know it if you continue taking hormones, especially if you are taking the proper dose of anti androgen and estrogen.

[david]

hi kerigirl 2009 if i were you i would first off all embrace the fact that you have had the conviction to tell your wife how you feel inside i/e that you feel more feminine than male.Along time ago i had to do just that when i told her i was convinced she would never accept this news that the man she married was in fact a woman in a male body.Iwas fortunate that she accepted that if this was how i felt then we would go with it provided that i should go to a gender clinic to find out if what i felt inside was in fact possible .This was verified as she was told that in fact i was a trans woman and that feminine hormones would be prescribed to aid the change in my thinking and body.Result both of us are now living in better harmony she buys me suitable clothes /skirts underwear ect.But with regards to your wife continue to give her all the love she deserves and be true to yourself and live with what you are inside a woman and be happy. davinax

[Diane Elizabeth]

Ask yourself what is more important- Your relationship with the spouse you love or your desire to be a woman. Its a tough decision. No one, not even a therapist should tell you what to do. Unfortunately it is all on you to say. To hide it is only to delay the problems. Communicate with your wife. "Now or later" as Lea said.
We are hear to give you a shoulder to lean on if you want. Good luck.

[Nigella]

Kerigirl, you have some difficult choices to make. Ultimately YOU are the one who needs to make sure that you are comfortable with your life, no matter how that turns out.

You certainly need to discuss things with your SO, hormones do have a way of showing themselves, something you will not be able to hide forever. Personally, I would prefer the pain and hurt now, rather than later. You may be lucky and be able to have your cake and eat it, but that is something that is rare. I think the longer you leave the talk, the more painful it will be for everyone concerned.

I certainly do not envy you, but I certainly hope that you achieve the best you can for you.

[Traci Elizabeth]

BTW, keep us posted on this issue.